My Mom Wants To Move In With Us (Are We Enabling Her?)

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. My wife and I, we bought a home down here in Florida about four months ago, and that was about the same time that we discovered you guys as Baby Steps. I'm active duty, I'm in the military, she works from home, and we've been working pretty hard to cut down the amount of debt that we have. My mom and other family and friends, it's kind of funny like when you buy a house down in Florida, suddenly you have more friends and family than you thought you did. Very similar to Nashville. Hey, long time no talk. Right, right. And so my wife, she's so much more understanding, I think, and graceful than I am about this, but my mom basically has joked around and been like, because she's obviously working through debt and stuff that she has, but she's always been like, well, I'm just going to die with debt. I'm not really worried about paying off my debt. I'll just come down there and live with you guys. And at first I was like, oh, that's really funny. But now she's being kind of serious about it. And my wife, she has told me, we've talked about it a lot, and she's been like, I think maybe you should be a little more understanding and it's not going to be that bad if she did want to end up living with us. We have a two and a half year old little girl at home and I guess I'm trying to figure out, my question is, am I being not understanding enough? Am I being too stubborn or hardheaded by not being open to this sort of thing? No, not at all. I want you to be honest with yourself. And here's what I mean by that. There's the money part and there's the debt part, right? But you know, this is your mom. You've been with her longer than your wife has. You know what her moving in would mean for the temperature and the electricity and the angst and the whatever else in your household. The vibes. Yeah. As George and the young kids say, the vibes of the household, right? So, you know, some people will let their mom move in and it would be the greatest thing ever because they would dote on your two-year-old. You and your wife would have date nights whenever you're home. It would be awesome. And also there's mothers and fathers who would move in and they would think that you're seven again and they're going to tell you what you're going to do and when you're going to do it and why aren't you doing it like this? Your job is to take care of them and cook for them and provide for every one of their needs. While they continue to be irresponsible with any number of things. So, you know the true, here's the total cost. Financially, yes. Relationally, the impact on your marriage. And so, you know the full picture there. So, be honest with yourself about that. And the other thing I think that's kind of haunting you that you can just cut to the chase, I would, next time your mom's in town, I would take her out for coffee and say, mom are you officially asking to move in with us? Yeah. Because right now there's a lot of ambiguity and you're starting to create stories about what she means and what she says and how she's saying it. Just cut to the chase. Yeah. I think that's a really good approach and I've thought about that. The other thing I think I get. Summer gets busy fast. Between vacations, camps and travel plans, the last thing you need is another thing to manage. That is why I love Delete.me. Delete.me removes your personal information from hundreds of data broker sites that can leave you vulnerable to spammers and scammers and they keep monitoring it all year long. And honestly, it feels good knowing that someone is handling it for me. And you can get 20% off an annual plan at joindelete.me.com slash Ramsey. That's joindelete.me.com slash Ramsey. The other thing I think I get, I get kind of like worried about is I don't, I don't want my mom to die with that. And she's very comfortable with that sort of thing. And I know at the same time, because my wife and I are on the same page about this, like it's not our responsibility or obligation to make sure that, you know, all her debts and stuff are squared away and paid for. But that's, you know, that's what we're working towards in our personal life right now. And I think that she has seen how we're doing with that sort of thing. We've had the ability to pay off over $100,000 of debt in the last year, which felt really awesome. And, and I think that, you know, she's kind of like, well, if I, if I move in with you guys, you know, I won't have a mortgage and I'll just die with my debt and it'll be fine. And I don't want that for her. And my wife doesn't want that for her. So I guess that was kind of the crux of like my question today is like, if she doesn't care, then you can't impose that value system on her. Yeah. And you can't care more than she does about it. You don't need to take on that burden. Because the truth is I hope she doesn't die with the debt. And if she does, you don't need to carry that. That's not your fault. She hasn't invited you into that conversation. Right. And she's so like, she's not even, my mom has this tendency to like age herself. She's not even like elderly. She's like 55. Yeah. But is she working full time? She is. Yeah. She, she's been a nurse my entire life. God bless her. Like she's been doing it forever. And she is at the point now where she is a nurse practitioner, but she kind of like works from home type of thing. And does telehealth and like, she has a great income, but she's also not really like doing a lot about her debt situation. And so I'm trying to like remove myself from being super worried about that all the time. Cause it's, it's not my situation, but our relationship has gotten better over the years. And, and I, I obviously don't want that for her. So I guess it's just a matter of like, you know, having the conversation with her, Yeah. Well, where I've seen in this go really awry is when adult kids try to lecture their aging parents on any number of topics, especially about sex and especially about money. Like parents don't want to hear that from their kid, but I've seen people be successful. And I'm going to be honest, it's, it's a more limited success by you sit down and say, mom, are you asking to move in? And if it's true, you and your wife have talked it through. If you were to say, we would love you to move in. And, but we have a picture of what that would look like. And here's the reality of our home. We have a two-year-old and so we need some help with some childcare and some support. And we don't also have the money or the support or the time or whatever to get childcare for our kid, because you're going to need a quiet place to work from home. Like think through the logistics of that when you have that conversation and then be honest with your mom in that same conversation, mom, I have to tell you like, almost like you're a person who just came to faith, except you just came to this, this new freedom in, in finance, right? Which is me and my wife have dedicated the last year and a half of our life to not owing anybody any money. Cause we want to be free. We've paid up a hundred grand. If you and you can tell her I'm worried about your future. Cause you don't have any retirement that I know of. And if you want some skills or some tools, the ones that we're using, I would love to sit down and walk you through what we've done to change our life. And what you're doing there is you're giving her permission as a 55 year old to, which can be hard, right? It can be hard to say, I don't know how to do a thing. And it can feel extra hard to look at your kid and say, I don't know, don't know how to do a thing, but you're doing it well. Will you teach me? There's just a, there's a, there's a, I don't want to say it's a shame barrier, but you get what I'm saying? It just feels weird. Maybe if one of your officers called you and was like, Hey, you have a great marriage. Can you teach me how to talk to my wife? Like that would be an awkward thing. Right? So there's a, like a reverse power differential here. So you bridging it and saying, I got a new toolkit a year ago, and these tools are helping us build something amazing. I would love to share these tools with you if you're interested. And then beyond that, you can't force her to want to be a part of it. All you and your wife can do is say, as for our house, here's the values of our house. And one other thing I would add is pre-plan a separation conversation. And what I mean by that is have a conversation for what if this goes sideways? Cause I don't want to lose my mom and I don't want to lose a roommate. And at the same time, lose a mom. If we get to a place where it's not working out or it's uncomfortable, or your job is, is not jiving with our kid's nap schedule. Like let's have a conversation for how do we stay connected and have a great relationship and not be roommates down the road. If we get there. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.