We Keep Bailing Out Our 35-Year-Old Son

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. My son has consistently been in and out of debt. At one time, I had him come home and live with us so we could help him clear out his debt. I paid about half his debt off. And so now he's back in the same situation again. He has some relationship problems. I think he struggles with depression and anxiety. And right now, he is flat broke. He crashed his car while doing deliveries, so he doesn't have a car to make any money. And we got him through this month's rent, but we don't know how the next month's going to look and thereafter. So my question is, you know, I don't want to throw money away and not have him make any progress, but he does need help, too. He doesn't seem to be able to find help on his own. And the advice I give him, sometimes he takes, sometimes he doesn't. So it's kind of a mess. I'm not sure where to go with this. You said that he needs help. I hope. You mentioned anxiety and depression. I wonder, is he getting the mental help that he needs? The mental help that he needs? Is he seeing anybody? Is he doing anything on that side of the equation? Because the way it sounded, it kind of feels like that's kind of affecting this entire situation. I think it is. He's been to a few therapy sessions that he had to pay for himself. He doesn't have any health insurance, and so he's not able to go to those anymore. I tried to get him to seek public assistance to be able to do those things, but it just doesn't seem like he knows how to navigate the systems. He's out in California. I'm here in North Carolina, so So it's very hard to. Yeah. How old is he? 35. Oh, wow. Has this been going on his whole adult life since he graduated high school? Yes. He's been in and out of jobs. From what I understand, he's a very hard worker, but he just can't maintain a good working environment. What happens? What takes place? I think he just gets overwhelmed. He's a loner type of person, and I think he gets overwhelmed with a lot of people around him. Um, he, he's been doing, um, you know, like door Dash deliveries and it's doing pretty well at that. Um, because, you know, he's his own boss and he didn't have to interact with a lot of people. So I think that's, that's probably the way he needs to go. But I do think he has probably some, uh, he, he has a on and off relationship. Um, and, um, it's off now. And I think that contributed to a lot of things recently. I mean, I'm not sure, but a lot of what you're saying, Dan, is leading me to believe that this is not at the core a money issue. I think at the core, it sounds like more of a personal issue, more of a mental health issue. However, going back to your initial question, which is, you know, you gave him the money to pay off the debt. He's right back in. How much money did you give him the first time or that you used to pay off the debt? It was probably around Between $7,000, $8,000, something like that. And how much does he have now? He has over $10,000. $10,000. So what's his, if you could describe his lowest low, what's his lowest low been? I mean, has he been homeless? Has he been, what's that look like? Thank Lowest low is probably now he's got a very sketchy living situation. He does have shelter. but Is it dangerous? When you say sketchy, are there drugs involved? What level, if I looked into his life, what would be my synopsis? you. you It's not up to residential standards. so It's like a commercial refit that's not zoned for residential. much, Okay. Do you think there's any substances involved, or what do you think? Walter. I don't think so. Okay. If I were in your shoes, if this were my kid, I mean, this is real hard for me to say, and I'm sure George has some opinions. I think I'd be invested in. Making sure that he stays someplace livable at the very least what I hear that my concern would be is that his mental health would cause him to end up in a homelessness situation and I would I would try to help prevent that but at the same time you've got to be clear on your boundaries because I just wonder if some of this is allowing him to feel some of that pain to kind of shake him up but I also don't know. To what extent the mental side of this is going. So I say that very lightly because there may be some real things that are impending, you know, impending his ability to make good choices. Has he asked for help or is this you kind of stepping in, checking in? Well, he did ask for help and we actually, I got him on a budget about a little over a month ago. And he was doing deliveries and starting to make headway, although he wouldn't always work, maybe because he, you know, got into depression that day or something relationally happened that threw him off kilter. We were making progress, but then just recently when he wrecked his car, then, you know, that kind of sunk him. And there was no insurance? Uh, no, the, um, the wreck was his fault. And so, uh, he didn't have collision. It's just liability. Yeah. I mean, I got to tell you, Dan, the way you're describing this, and I know this is a very short call. Uh, I want to start by saying that, but when the way you're describing him, I'm not picturing a 35 year old man. It almost sounds like you're talking about somebody 18 or 16 or. I'm not getting that sense of... His growth was stunted at some point. I'm not sure what happened or, you know, was he fine through high school? Well, so we had him tested as a child, and he was never diagnosed as being on the spectrum, but he has those tendencies. Yeah. It's like socially, the soft skills aren't there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this, Dan. I wish I had a magic wand and could fix it. I'll tell you this. If you can use money to help him survive, your money cannot help him thrive. And so that would be the goal is to make sure that he isn't homeless, that he is safe, he has shelter. And as much as you can, I would put your money directly towards those things versus giving him the money. Or even mental health care, putting it directly towards that. If he can commit to going, hey, I'm going to go once a week to see this therapist locally. And see a doctor. Anything you can do to help him with his health and help him get a career, those are the two best uses of your time and money versus just trying to fund the misbehavior, clean up the debt before it comes back. That's just going to be a game of whack-a-mole. Until we can get his health and his career under control. Because right now, DoorDash, here's the problem with DoorDash. If he doesn't feel like it, he's not going to do it, and therefore no income. I would rather where there is some expectation. Dude, you've got to wake up, shower, and be there by 8 a.m., or else you lose the job. I think he needs some structure in his life right now, more than anything. So that's the part you can encourage him as a dad, if you have influence in his life, if he has friends. Think about those kinds of people. Who can talk some sense into him, be a mentor for him, be a coach for him? That's what he needs right now more than a paycheck. I wish you the best of luck. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.