Enabling the narcissist

Hi there dear guys and girls. So, today I wanted to speak on a subject that we do not like to admit, but it is something that we always do in order to keep the relationship with the narcissist alive. And it doesn't matter what kind of relationship that is, whether it's a family member, whether it's a spouse, a partner or a friend. We all do it. We are all enablers. And that's a very hard truth to deal with, but the sooner you come to terms and accept that truth, the better off you're going to be. Because we all enable the narcissist. When we are in the middle of these relationships, whether it is conscious or unconscious, it's usually unconscious behaviour, and that is why we need to bring that behaviour into consciousness. Because the more aware you are of what you are doing, the more you can take the steps needed to liberate yourself from these very destructive relationships. So, how do we enable the narcissist? You know, we tend to make a lot of excuses for them, excuses of why they are behaving badly. We could say things like, they come from a very bad and traumatised childhood, they come from a bad past, they've had difficulties with their ex-lovers, partners, they've had trouble with their children, whatever. We come up with all manner of excuses. So, in coming up with these excuses, what we are actually doing is apologising for their bad behaviour. And this not only has to do with, maybe the fact that you portray codependent tendencies, but it can also have to do with how we are raised. You know, as I've said in very many videos in the past, is that I was raised to be the nice girl all the time, to be putting myself out there for others, helping others, always putting others' needs before my own. And it wasn't that I come from a traumatised or abusive childhood, but I was raised in a Christian home where that was the good Christian thing to do, was to put everyone else's needs before my own. So I'm sure many of you can relate to that. But that is for people who have not been raised in dysfunctional homes. The same can be for people who have been raised in dysfunctional homes, who have been raised by toxic parents, or who have been in the snake pit with toxic siblings, is that you are taught to be codependent. You are taught to make excuses for the narcissist, to apologise for the narcissist. This is your normal. This is what you have grown up in. So to you, this feels very normal, even though you also know that it isn't. But you find yourself so emotionally paralysed at some point that you don't know how to break free of the cycle. So, as I said, it's making excuses for them. It's apologising for their bad behaviour. What we also do is unquestionably accept their very toxic behaviour, especially in the beginning of any relationship or friendship that we may have with them, is that we don't question their behaviour. We don't question what they say. We just accept that this is who they are. And again, this is putting their needs, putting their demands before your own. And that is always toxic, because that is never a win-win situation. The only one who is winning in that situation is the narcissist. And we end up feeling depleted, we end up feeling saddened, we end up feeling hurt. All of these emotions that we don't know how to cope with simply because we do not realise that we are enabling this toxic behaviour. So, you know, when they speak of not standing up to abuse, I remember that this was said to me very many times, and this is probably what many of you have heard, is that they say, well, if you're so unhappy in this relationship or friendship, why don't you just leave? Why do you stay in these relationships? And the thing is that outsiders do not understand that we are the object of trauma bonding, which is, you know, trauma bonding, to put it simply, is that the narcissist will manipulate you by alternatively showing bad behaviour, abusing you, then showing good behaviour, then showing special treatment to you, and they will switch between these four things, back and forth they will switch, which is what keeps you in that state of doubt. You realise that their behaviour is just not in order, you realise that it's toxic, but on the other hand, then they do good again, or then they treat you well for a short period of time, or then they show you special treatment, and then once they have reeled you back in, then they go about abusing you again. So this, in a nutshell, is trauma bonding. And this is the very reason why we cannot just up and leave. Was it that simple? You know, it was said to me very many times, or asked of me, why don't you just leave? And I really couldn't come up with an answer. I knew I wanted to leave, but I wasn't sure how, and I doubted my own perception of what I was going through to the extent of feeling paralysed. I didn't know if I could leave these relationships and friendships, because I didn't know who I was. I thought, who will I be without these people around me? They feel comfortable, and yet they don't. They're loving, and yet they aren't. So this is the dynamic that you are caught up in. This is the brain fog that we all go through. This is the doubt. This is not trusting our own perception of the whole situation. This is not trusting our own thoughts and feelings about any given situation with a toxic person. So this is how we enable. We feed into their egos, and usually, at the beginning of the relationship, we don't even know we're doing it. But when you come to that awareness, whether it is through watching this video, whether it's looking for other information on the internet, whether it's watching other videos, when you come to that awareness that you are enabling them, that is when you don't have an excuse anymore for continuing to enable them. So in many cases, in all cases, we are very delusional. We are very, very delusional when we are in these relationships, friendships, whatever kind of interaction we're caught up in with a narcissist, is that we become very delusional. And what we tell ourselves is, well, if in the case of a partner, well, once we get married, he or she will change. If I show more love and understanding, if I'm less angry at what they're doing, then they will change. If I can just get them the right help, then they will change. I've heard of this wonderful medication that they can take, and it will alter who they are. You know, this is living in a state of delusion, and this is something that we also need to break free from once we become aware. Because once we have that awareness, then we can start to liberate ourselves. So it's always, this is what every target of abuse does, and I still hear it, I've heard it, I think I counted 35 times this week, just talking to clients, is that they say, yes, but maybe I should just show a little more appreciation, maybe show some more love, maybe show some more compassion, and then they'll see me for who I truly am, and they will stop abusing me. I say to you, to any one of you who's thinking that, stop that train of thought. It's just not going to happen. It is not going to happen. You are not responsible for the toxic behavior that is being demonstrated to you through the abusive person in your life. It is not your responsibility. However, you need to take ownership of the fact that you are enabling the situation. Because as with any toxic person, as with any narcissist, when you stop enabling, that's when they have nowhere to go. They cannot function without you enabling them. And so when you stop the enabling, this is when they have to look for new supply, this is when you'll probably be given the fury, the rage, or the silent treatment, because they realize that you have turned off their supply. That is what we do as enablers. We give them supply. We turn on the full range of making them comfortable. And when we turn off that supply, when we stop enabling them, this is when they're going to have to look elsewhere. And this is when, yes, the abuse can sometimes get even worse. I remember that this was true for me when I said that first no, when I set the first boundary. I mean, there was hell to pay. The person I was in friendship with at that time, I mean, she pulled out all the stops. She went full-blown narcissistic injury on me. And, you know, this is when you realize that you, or this is confirmation that you were dealing with someone toxic. Because when you call them out on their stuff, when you set that first boundary, when you say no, they are going to go into a fit of rage or into the silent treatment. They'll give you that as well. So this is where there's confirmation that you are not dealing with a healthy, rational person. Because anyone who is overstepping your boundaries and you establish those boundaries and you communicate those boundaries to them will then be willing to look at your side of the situation and then meet you in the middle. That is what any healthy person would do. In the case of a narcissist, this just does not happen. They will be so enraged, so furious at the fact that you dare to set a boundary, that you dare to cut off their supply, that you will be met with all manner of abuse that has been turned up. They will turn up the heat on that. So we need to become aware. We need to acknowledge the fact that we can be, or that we are very delusional in these situations. Another way of being delusional example is that you feel that you are making them act this way. So what I've often heard, and I'm also guilty of saying this, is maybe I need to change the way I act. Maybe I need to adjust my life accordingly, adjust my words accordingly, adjust my personality accordingly so that I may please this person, so that I may keep this friendship, so that I may keep this relationship. We all do it. So you need to be, you know, this is why I love the truth, because the truth will ultimately set you free. The only thing is that you have to be willing to look at that truth of living in that state of delusion, of living in the state of enabling these toxic people in your life or person. So this is the only way to break the delusion, is to look at the raw truth of the situation. If someone is calling you a bitch, if someone is projecting their anger onto you, if someone is intimidating you, you know, these are all the different aspects of being at the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. If someone is doing these things to you and you are feeling hurt and saddened, if you are feeling depleted, if you feel like you don't have energy to face them every single day, that is telling you something. That is your intuition saying to you, something is up. Your intuition is telling you to free yourself from that delusion. This is how we need to trust our instincts. We need to trust our intuition, because if it feels a certain way, you can be sure that that is the way it is. And we enable even more when we deny the truth within ourselves, so that the narcissist gets to feel comfortable in their very destructive way of showing up in the world. So be truthful with yourself. And if it means that you need to talk to a friend, talk to a co-worker, talk to anyone you trust, and just relay some of your experiences. These are people who are looking at a situation objectively and they can also help to steer you in the right direction. So you need to be truthful. Be truthful with you. And stop enabling by making excuses for toxic behaviour. Stop enabling by cleaning up the mess, the destructive path that the narcissist leaves. You know, these are things we need to stop doing. We need to stop the enabling. That doesn't mean that the narcissist is going to change their behaviour, but it does mean that we free ourselves from that level of dysfunction. So, you know, what it boils down to, the simple fact is that what we allow is what is going to continue. And the narcissist knows this. They will continue to abuse you. They will continue to manipulate and intimidate you because they know that they can get away with it. So this is... It's not so much about calling them out, which is, of course, if you choose to do that, then you can do that. If you feel safe enough to do that, then go ahead and do it. But it's not only about calling them out. It's about being truthful to ourselves and loving, respecting and honouring ourselves enough to tell ourselves the truth about a situation. Because the truth, as I've said, will ultimately set you free. The truth is very liberating. And the truth is the truth. You don't need to make excuses for it. You don't need to avoid it. I know that in truth there can be a lot of pain, and this is what we're really trying to avoid. It's not so much that we don't want to see the truth. It's that we are trying to avoid the pain that comes with knowing the truth. But this is the only way to free yourself. So I hope that has helped some. Just know and check in with yourself that how are you enabling the toxic person in your life? And it doesn't matter whether it's a parent or a child or a spouse or a friend. It does not matter. But how are you contributing to this whole level of dysfunction? Be truthful about that. Are you people-pleasing too much? Are you making them feel comfortable by making yourself feel uncomfortable? Are you making excuses? Are you apologising for them? Are you covering up for them? What is it that you are doing that is keeping this dysfunctional relationship maintained? And when you're truthful with that, then you can take the next step in looking for the right help, in joining the support group that we have, in sending me an email if you'd like to do that. Whatever way you feel you need to make that next step or take the next step, then do that. But please be truthful with yourself and stop enabling toxic behaviour. Take care of yourself. I'm looking forward to speaking to you all very soon again. Bye for now.