Self-love is the antidote for narcissistic abuse

Hi there dear truth warriors and thank you for joining me once again. I'm Petra Van Dale, life coach, breathwork practitioner and advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. So today I would just like to spend some time talking about a lack of self-love and that it is so important, it is actually critical, that you offer yourself self-love when in the healing process because this is what is going to save you and this is what is going to keep you from re-entering toxic relationships and family ships and friendships. So when in a toxic relationship, when you're in this relationship with a narcissist, in whatever form that may be, again whether it's family or friendships or a romantic relationship, is that the narcissist is projecting all of their stuff onto you and you take this on at some point, you identify with their stuff and then you think that you are the toxic one and that you will never be able to heal or move on from this level of abuse. So a narcissist, for whatever reason, there is a lot that goes into that dynamic where the narcissistic personality is formed. There's so much that goes into it but that's not what this video is about. What it boils down to is that the narcissist has a deep loathing for themselves. They are empty on the inside. They simply empty shells and the way that they are feeling, what would fix that would be introspection and getting help. But instead of doing that, they just project all of this toxicity onto you and when this has been done for the longest time, when you are in the storm of narcissistic abuse, during that storm all of what they are thinking, what they are feeling is being projected onto you. So you are gradually being programmed and conditioned and then it gets to the point where the lines become so blurred between who you are as an individual and who they are. So they become so blurred that you just merge with the narcissist, with their belief system, with their thought patterns and you identify yourself with all of this stuff. So there is a lack of self-love. From the narcissist, there is no self-love whatsoever. Even though they may think they do have it and this is the way they come across, is that it's all about them. They put themselves in the spotlight. They are always on the pedestal. They are just so full of themselves. Yes, they are full of deep loathing. It has nothing to do with confidence or love and this is what we take on. We identify ourselves with this and what happens in that process is that you see that there is no equality. We can sense it, we can feel it, we see it and so what we do in an attempt to fix this is that we start pouring back into the narcissist but what we are actually pouring is our own emptiness that we have been programmed with. We take that, pour it back into them and we think that it's love but really it is a lack of self-love. So a narcissist again is not capable of introspection. They have no conscience and so they will never stop, take a moment and say, look there's obviously something going on with me. There's something that I need to fix within myself so that I can change this dynamic. What the narcissist says is, okay I've got all these feelings or maybe they don't even say that, but this is what they are demonstrating towards you. I have all of these horrible self-judgmental feelings and instead of me applying introspection and fixing that, I'm going to say that you need to fix yourself, you need to go to therapy, you need to get your head sorted out, you need to do the work and then I will feel better. This is really what it boils down to. When you're in these relationships, they can disguise it as a manner of self. Now the blaming, the shaming, the fear that they instill in you but all it comes down to is you need to fix yourself. I am not willing to look into myself, look inward and repair this. So again, you take on that identity and this is what happens to every single victim of narcissistic abuse. I went through it myself where I thought there, you know, I'm such a bad person, there is so much wrong with me. If I just pour love, I thought it was love, if I just pour this back into the narcissist, then things will be fine. I didn't realise until very many years later that it was a lack of self-love and a lack of worthiness and a lack of self-appreciation. These are the delicious things that you need to give to yourself. You have them, you have these gifts, only they have been covered, buried under layers and layers and layers of toxic programming. So again, two empty people. You and the narcissist cannot look to heal each other. It's impossible. Even looking for closure from the narcissist, you know, okay, we've broken up, the relationship has ended, let's get this closure. That's a never-ending story. You will never get that closure from the narcissist. They are not willing to give it. If they do give it, that means that they have to take responsibility, look within themselves and heal themselves and they are just not willing to do this. So when you come to that realisation, you know, when you come out of the fog, come out of the unconscious state that you have been in and you move into consciousness where you realise, hey, I've got to take inventory on myself. I have to re-evaluate the relationship that I have with myself. And once I've re-evaluated that and gotten new insights into it, that is how I can then proceed to offer myself those gifts, to open up those gifts that have been sealed for the longest time. You know, when you do not have self-love and self-appreciation, then there is no worthiness. Of course there's no worthiness. You feel unworthy. You feel that you are not worthy of receiving love, of receiving respect and kindness and compassion. And so what we do in that state is that we move outside of ourselves. We look externally to fill up the emptiness that we are feeling internally. Self-love is so important, so important. And it has everything to do with, instead of berating yourselves, which is what it's taught behaviour, we blame ourselves, we shame ourselves, we judge ourselves, we do all the terrible abusive things that the narcissist has taught us how to do. It is taught behaviour, and so if it is taught, it can also be unlearned. Self-love, you know, to take inventory on yourself is to get into a deep and honest conversation and start with the exterior. What do I like about myself? What do I love about myself? What do I appreciate about myself? It can be your hair, your eyes, parts of your body that you really appreciate. And even if you don't feel that in the beginning, it's a good place to start because your thoughts dictate your feelings. The thoughts that the narcissist programmed into your mind is what is dictating your feelings. So you cannot say I want to heal the feeling and then I'll deal with the thoughts. You have to start from the top and work your way down. So you have to start with your thoughts, becoming conscious of how it is you speak to yourself, how you perceive yourself. Start there. And you know, when you start with those thoughts, you will not believe them. When you tell yourself, when you look in the mirror and all you can see is loathing, if you can start by saying, wow, I love your eyes today, I love the way you smile, I love the way your hair looks today. Even if you don't feel it, it is a start. This is where it begins, is with that thought, the more you repeat it to yourself, the more you stop yourself in your tracks. When you are berating or judging yourself, stop in your tracks and choose a different thought. Choose a different affirmation. Choose kind words as opposed to destructive words. Be very conscious of this because the more you change the way you speak to yourself, the more your thoughts will become set in stone about yourself and this is what is going to change your feelings about yourself, the appreciation. That's just starting on the outside. But if you go internally, who am I? What do I believe about myself? Is this really true? The beliefs that I hold about myself, are they absolutely true? I can assure you that they are not. Another thing is, when we are in the process of healing, is that we often think that we have to get rid of all the negative self-talk and only look at the positive. That is not loving because that's not human. When you are a human being, as we all are, spiritual beings having this human experience, is that there is the light side and there's the dark side. There's the vulnerabilities, the strengths. You cannot have sunshine without rain. You cannot have daylight without night time. It's all duality and this is what needs to be embraced within yourself, is that there are very many aspects to you. It's not just all about the good and it's definitely not all about the negative. There needs to be a balance in all of that. So again, when you are empty, you cannot pour that into someone else. If you have an empty pitcher or an empty jug, how are you going to be able to pour a lack of content into a glass? You cannot do it. The same way, as I'm sure I've used this before, this example before, and many other people have, is that when you are in an aeroplane, you're boarding the flight, you're sitting, you're ready for takeoff, the flight attendant is going to take you through the security steps. So if there is a problem with the airplane, you're getting ready to crash, for example, is that they always say, the oxygen masks are going to come down. Do not help the person sitting next to you. First, help yourself. Secure the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then you can proceed to help the person sitting next to you. This is the same way, this applies also to self-love, is that you have to allow yourself to breathe. You have to look at yourself in a loving and kind way before you can pour all that love, that true love and true kindness into someone else. Because if you don't give that love and appreciation to yourself, how do you expect other people to give it back to you? If you cannot receive it yourself, you cannot receive it from anyone else. And this is the whole dynamic of a toxic relationship, is that you cannot appreciate yourself, and so you will just tolerate whatever toxicity the narcissist is giving you. So self-love is so important. Appreciate the fact that you have brought yourself, you have been with yourself all this time, when you have been in these toxic relationships, being abused emotionally, mentally, physically, you have always been with yourself, and you have reached a point in your life where you're still standing, even though you're feeling broken, you're still here watching this video, looking for ways to heal yourself, looking for information, looking for something that resonates with your heart. That means that you've had your back all of that time, and so you need to take a breather, stop, and give yourself that appreciation. Thank yourself for bringing yourself right up to this point in time. When you have reached that point, you can then go about making different choices for yourself. It all has to do with choice. It all has to do with decision making. You can make that decision to stop tolerating abuse, stop tolerating, what is the word I'm looking for, evil, you know, stop tolerating evil behavior towards you, destructive behavior, unkind behavior towards you. You can make that decision. I'm not going to stand for this any longer. I'm going to put myself first, prioritize my needs, my own emotional needs, look at what is important to me in life, who am I as a person, what do I want from life, what do I want for myself, and take the time to get to know yourself from a place of fullness as opposed to emptiness. Because when you can fill yourself up with all the great stuff that you have to offer, it's in there. It's not that you have to go and get it from somewhere. You have all these gifts within you. And when you start opening those presents, those gifts, start unwrapping them, that is when you are truly capable of giving those gifts to someone else with integrity, with respect, and also being open to receiving that from another person who has the same gifts that they also have unwrapped for themselves. So this also ties in to maybe the fact that you're thinking, if I have come out of this narcissistic, toxic relationship, who is going to love me? Will I ever be able to find true love? Will I ever be able to have that healthy relationship or friendship? Yes, you can. Of course you can. But the place to start is not to look externally for the love and the kindness and the respect. It is imperative that you give it to yourself first. Once you've given it to yourself, you can then share it. And when you share, you are also open to receiving. It's a process. Take the time to get to know yourself from a totally different perspective. Keep well, take care of yourself, and offer yourself radical self-care. Love to all of you. Speak to you soon.