Narcissistic Gaslighting

Hi everyone, I'm Petra Van Dale. I'm a life coach and advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. It's been a while, I think it's three, three and a half weeks, I don't know. I don't maintain a regular time for posting videos, it's just whenever I have the time and whenever I feel inspired to do a video, so please bear with me. So today gaslighting is on the menu and as you know, as so many of us have experienced, gaslighting is something that is, it's very insidious, it's insidious abuse. Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt your own perception, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions and it is done very deliberately by the narcissistic or toxic person in your life. Now gaslighting will always start off very, it will seem harmless, it will seem very innocent, it could be something as simple as, say you set a date with a toxic person, with a narcissist in your life and you have arranged to meet each other at three o'clock on Monday afternoon and you've set a place to meet each other, you go there and the toxic person hasn't shown up, they're not there and so you will get in touch with them, you will ask, well you know, where are you? I'm waiting here, we had arranged to meet Monday afternoon at three o'clock and where are you? And they will turn the script, they will flip the script on you and say, no, no, no, I said Tuesday at one that we were going to meet and this is done very deliberately because they will not take the blame or not take responsibility for maybe a misunderstanding or even deliberate crazy making, they rather turn it around, put the blame on you and tell you, you heard me wrong, you didn't get the time right, you got the days mixed up, so the blame is put on you. Now if this happens in the beginning stages, you will, you know, you will just chalk it down to it really being a misunderstanding and you won't think anything more of it and leave it at that. But when a pattern starts to form, this is what usually happens, it starts off very innocent looking, very harmless looking and then gaslighting will turn into huge fabrications, you know, it can involve very serious situations in life as well where there may be a circumstance where, you know, the narcissist may fabricate about an illness that they have or very, I can't think of an example right now, but very serious situations and they will pose it in such a way that it will make it seem as if you are, you yourself are fabricating things, that you yourself are making up things and this is very detrimental to your emotional health, your mental health, your physical health, because there comes a point where you start believing every single thing that the toxic person says to you. This is what gaslighting is. So to give an example, one of the narcissists, one of the toxic people who was a long time ago in my life, once upon a time, it seems like years ago, maybe very recent, four or five years ago, but it seems really like a lifetime ago, where I had signed up to do a course and the narcissist that I was involved with had a habit of wanting to know who I was hanging out with, who I was talking to, who my friends were, what my plans were for the weekend, for example. You know, all the stuff that in the beginning I thought, oh that's sweet, she's really interested in who I am and what I'm doing and who I'm hanging out with, but I had signed up for a course, this was several years into our friendship and it was a course on business and on coaching, those two combined, and I had signed up for it and I had told her about it, but my intuition told me at that point, don't give out too much information on what you're doing and this didn't just come about, this was something, you know, with all the stuff that had been going on in that toxic relationship, had led up to this very moment in time when I signed up for this course, all the little things that had happened, that gave me a very icky feeling. It came to this point where I thought, some things I need to keep private, I need to keep for myself, because this is my process that I'm going through with, it happened to be, with my line of work and with business at that point in time. So I went ahead and I did the course and she kept on sort of very subtly dropping hints, asking questions about the course, asked me to share my insights, asked me to share whatever they had spoken of in the course, and again I didn't want to share too much and she kept on pushing for me to share things with her and I just, I couldn't put my finger on it, I didn't want to share that much information, so I would sort of go about it in a very roundabout way, not wanting to hurt her feelings, but also not wanting to share this very personal side of me. So I just sort of brushed it aside and tried not to pay too much attention, until one evening I was sitting at home and I had my phone in my hand, I opened the phone, there was a message that came through, so I opened the phone and there was an email, clicked on the email and I opened it and there I saw a picture of myself in the setting where I'd been following this course, a picture had been taken and put on this trainer's website and the toxic person had taken that picture, copied it and sent it to me through email and said, look what I found. And you know, it might sound, someone who has never been through narcissistic abuse, this might sound crazy what I'm saying, but I got, it was like someone had stabbed me, that's the feeling I got. I noticed that I went into a light panic, I was having anxiety, I was shaking and I thought, why would you send me this picture of myself in this course? So that is how I responded, I said, oh thank you for sending the picture, but why, where did you get this picture from? And she replied with, I have my contacts. And that triggered me, that triggered me. So I, because of all the frustration that had been building up over all these years, it came bubbling out through my hands and onto the email. So I said to her, are you stalking me? Why are you so interested in what I am doing? Why do you want to know and analyze every single part of me? Why do you keep asking these questions? What's up with this picture? Why are you sending it to me? I was very frustrated, I was very hurt that I wanted to keep certain things to myself, but that she was probing too much. So needless to say, I got a ton load, I was going to say ---- load, there I've said it. I got all of this thrown onto me, that I was being paranoid, that I was seen into something that really wasn't there. I was making more of the situation that really wasn't there. These were my own thoughts, she said, and you need to analyze your own thoughts and stop dumping them on me. How dare you accuse me of stalking you? How dare you accuse me of following you and wanting to know all these things about you? How dare you? So these emails went back and forth and every time I got a reply from her, she just seemed to build on that blame game. So it got to the point where I thought, what the hell is going on here? It made me feel uncomfortable and I voiced that to her, I voiced my opinion, I said this makes me feel very uncomfortable what you have done, I don't like what you're doing, I can't really explain it, I just know that it makes me feel terrible really. And she completely denied my experience in that situation. So this is also what gaslighting is, denying the target's experience or perspective of a certain situation. So this is, you know, this is done, gaslighting is done to make you feel crazy, to make you look like someone who is blowing everything out of proportion. Excuse me, I stuttered there. This makes you look as if you are blowing things totally out of proportion. And so I got those doubts, I thought maybe I am reading too much into this, maybe it was just a friendly gesture, as she has said, it was just a friendly gesture to send you this picture of yourself in this training. But it did not feel like a friendly gesture. It felt like stalking, it felt like my life was being analysed, was being scrutinised, and I did not like that feeling. So this is what gaslighting will do to you, is that the narcissist will never take responsibility for making you feel a certain way, even if you have expressed those feelings to them. They will not take responsibility in that. They will not say, look, maybe, you know, I can understand your side, your perspective of things. I can see where this feeling is coming from. I don't like that you have attacked me on this, but I do understand it. That is a very natural and very normal way of responding to someone else's emotions and feelings. But gaslighting is designed to make you feel crazy, and it's also designed to allow the narcissist to have control over your life and certain situations in your life, and over your thoughts and over your emotions. So you will be in a constant state of doubt, doubting yourself, thinking maybe I should rephrase it, even going about apologising, which is what I also did when I received this email that I just talked about. I took a step back and I read through all the emails that I had sent again, and her responses, and I thought, oh, she might have a point. So I apologised to her. I said, look, I'm sorry, this is just my perspective. I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm sorry if I accused you of certain things. I'm terribly sorry. How can I make it up to you? And that apology was just totally ignored, was dismissed. And she went about correcting me, as a parent would do to a child, you know, just correcting. And this felt so, it just felt very ugly. I felt very uncomfortable. But again, this is what gaslighting does to you. And when you voice your opinions, when you say, when you express your feelings in these situations, then you will be called over. The toxic person will say to you, you're overreacting. You're too sensitive. You are believing your own thoughts without analysing them, and you're dumping your thoughts on me. Stop projecting. You know, that's another thing that they love saying. I know this toxic person that I was just talking about, she loved to say, stop projecting your inner world onto me, when in fact, that is what she was doing. And now I get it, you know, I'm so grateful that I have kept all those emails, because when I sometimes, I allow myself once every six, seven or eight months to read through those emails again, and it just makes more sense, because now I can actually see how I was being abused through email as well. And it just puts everything into perspective. Because whatever they put onto you and say that you are doing is really what they are doing. So it's a combination of gaslighting and projection. It's denying, you know, gaslighting is denying your feelings, is denying your right as a human being, is denying your experience. It's denying every single thing about you. And it can drive you to the point of insanity. You know, where you feel that they are right in what they're saying, that they know best. So you lose a sense of self. You just feel that you are out here, isolated, that no one gets you, that the person who is supposed to love you, the narcissist, who is supposed to cherish you, that they are not doing this. You are just left all on your own some. And this is a very dangerous state to be in. So that is why, you know, it is so important to apply self-compassion in these circumstances. And one of those self-compassion tips that I would like to share with you is, do not allow yourself to be isolated completely. Which is what the narcissist does through gaslighting. Because gaslighting is also telling you your family is no good, your friends are no good, no one has your best interests at heart. So this is something that you will also start to believe. And this causes you to then isolate from the rest of your family, from your friends. And this is exactly where the narcissist wants you. They want you isolated on your own, so that they have you all to themselves, and that they can turn up the heat on the gaslighting, on the projection, on all the other abuse that they apply in your relationship. So, maintain a state of independence. It is so important to have that sense of self. And I realise that very many of you who have been through decennia of abuse, lose total touch, you lose touch of reality, you lose that sense of self. And so it is then very difficult to maintain a state of independence. But if you can, if you have, for example, a kind neighbour, someone who is willing to listen to you, someone who is willing to go to the supermarket with you, or just hang out, have a coffee together for half an hour on a Saturday morning, that is so important that you do not lose touch of human connection. Human connection is so important. Oftentimes we are told to be self-reliant, but I do not completely agree with that, because I believe in human connection. And not human connection with just any old body, with the narcissist, but real human connection, where someone listens to you, where you can listen to them, where there is a healthy interaction. Because when you maintain that, you know, the connection between two humans or more humans through, for example, a support group as well, that is when you can also maintain your sense of reality. That is so important. So that is a very important piece of advice that I would like to leave you with, is try and maintain healthy relationships. Try and step away from the situation, instead of getting involved in the gaslighting tactics of the narcissist. Try and step back from the situation and simply observe what is going on. Because when you observe, that is when you are able to sort of steer clear of the fog. But again, when you have been in the situation for years on end, then it is very difficult to clear that fog. So that is where coaching comes in, that is where therapy comes in, that is where connecting with others comes in. Another thing is to document, another piece of advice that I would like to give you, is to document everything. When the narcissist gaslights you, it is so easy to fall into that trap. So write it down. You know, when you have a moment to yourself, write down the situation or just jot it down with a few words, so that when you read back, you can see that you are not the crazy one. That this is a tactic that is being implemented to make you feel crazy. Document every single thing. Even if it is not to use at a later date, so say for example, you are going through the court system, it might not just be for using in that court system when you are going through a court case, but it can also be to maintain your own sanity. When you have disengaged from the relationship, it is very important to be able to read back and assure yourself that you were not the crazy one. Stop blaming yourself. And I realise that is a very easy thing to say, but I know that it is also a very loving process to go through, as I have also been through myself, is that we tend, all targets tend to blame themselves for the breakdown of the relationship, for not trusting the narcissist more, for not understanding them more, for not loving them more. We take on all that blame. And blaming yourself for something that you have no control over is self-abusive. So stop doing that. Stop blaming yourself. Look at the situation with the help of a support group, for example, with the help of a good friend. If you are fortunate enough to have good people, healthy people in your life, allow yourself to see yourself through their eyes, because they are also looking at your whole situation in a very objective fashion. And that also helps to remove the self-blaming. Another or the final tip on that is to disengage. And I think I just mentioned that. Disengage from this crazy making. When you find, you know, especially when you become aware of what the narcissist is in fact doing to you, is that you can name the different tactics that they use, whether that is hoovering, whether it's projection, whether it is gaslighting. When you have those terms and you understand those terms, that's when that works to your advantage, because then you can view the situation that you are in. When you are being gaslit or gaslighted, you can view that situation and see where you do not have to engage them in that. So let them, you know, even the narcissist is entitled to their opinion. They are entitled to do whatever they want to do. But you are also entitled to step back and not get involved in their games of drama, in their mind games, in their chaos. You can just step back, even if that means becoming silent. Because what we often do when we are being gaslighted, gaslit, whatever, use whatever term fits for you. When we are experiencing that, it is so easy to start defending ourselves, to say, no, you did tell me that we were going to meet Monday afternoon at three o'clock and not Tuesday afternoon at one. You know, so you start defending yourself, you start defending the whole situation. Disengage from that, stop doing that, because that even, you're pouring more fuel onto the situation. And this is what the narcissist loves, because you are then feeding them, you are fueling them. So disengage. So, you know, just become very aware, if anything, educate yourself more on narcissistic abuse. Educate yourself on all these different terms that are used that may seem, it may seem like one ball of confusion, but when you start reading up on narcissism, when you watch videos like these on narcissism, that is when you are able to put a term, to put a label on whatever it is you are going through, and that is when the fog starts to lift. That's when you realize that you are seriously dealing with a personality disorder, and looking at it from a spiritual point of view, you are dealing with very evil energy. And when you become aware, that is when you are able to take the steps into protecting yourself, removing yourself from toxicity, and then starting on your process of healing. So, it is very important to educate yourself, and you know, sometimes I think I should stop making videos on narcissistic abuse, and focus more on the healing, but I want to create that balance, because so many of you are just becoming attuned to what you have really experienced, and so you are looking for that information on narcissistic abuse, and others of you who are in a different stage of their healing, are then looking for more healing videos. So, I want to, and I believe I am, creating the balance between the healing process, and just finding out about narcissistic abuse. So, you know, if anything, just keep educating yourself. It is so important to be able to lift that fog, and take your life and your experience in a serious fashion, and not be buried under the very, very abusive tactics of the narcissist, one of which being gaslighting. So, I hope that has helped some, you know, please keep sharing your emails, and sharing your comments here down below. If you would like to join a support group, once again, so important to find that human connection, then I am going to put the link to the closed support group that I have on Facebook, down below the video, and please feel free to join us, to share your story, to share your truth, because that is also very helpful when you are trying to come out of this very evil fog of unconsciousness. That is really what healing is. You know, if I could describe the healing process in a nutshell, I would say it is all about awareness. Becoming aware of what you have been through, becoming aware of yourself, aware of your thoughts, aware of your contribution to your own healing. That is what it is all about. Raising awareness and becoming aware. So, look forward to speaking to you all next time. Take care of yourselves. Just keep moving forward, if anything. Love to all of you.