The female narcissistic friend

Hi there dear truth warriors. Welcome back to the channel. So today I just want to spend some time talking on female friendships and then in particular narcissistic female friendships because I've had this experience with four different women in my life. It's an important topic which is not touched on very often and I have made videos on this but there's been a demand for more of these videos because people are now becoming aware of toxic friendships. There's more awareness being raised whereas before we would think well they're just a friend. I need to support them. I need to just take whatever they dish out and I still have this friendship so that's a good thing because I need friendships in my life which is all true but I don't believe in tolerating toxicity in your life especially when awareness has been raised as to what toxicity looks like and what narcissism looks like even in friendships. So of course this is a very real topic because the narcissists that we speak of you know are also someone's daughter, someone's mother, someone's neighbour, someone's friend and I am very invested in my friendships. I have two women in my life, two sisters I call them because we have known each other for so long. One of them I've known for 18 years and the other one for I think it's 13-14 years and we just have this solid bond. It's the warrior woman spirit that we share. It's that rebellious spirit that we share where we like to get to the bottom of things. We like to speak truth. We're mothers together. We support each other through divorces, through marriages, through relationships, through so many challenges in life and it just feels comfortable. It feels loving and warm and there is no question of putting on a mask when we're in each other's presence in order to make the other person feel comfortable. So we call each other out on our BS you know when when necessary and we praise each other and we hold space for each other. It is just a very warm and loving friendship that I have with these two women and I appreciate it and I value that so much. So I am very much into friendships, good healthy solid friendships and the difference between a toxic friendship and a healthy friendship is that usually, this was in my case as well, when I met these women that I've known for all these years there wasn't that instant connection. There were some things that we could that you know we had in common and it was just sort of a slow burn, a slow building of a solid friendship. It just ran its natural course and evolved into the sisterhood which is the way it should be when you're getting involved in a friendship. So I absolutely value my friendships and these two women that I just spoke of they were the ones who had my back when I was going through the toxic friendships with these other women that I often speak of in videos. They had my back, they sat and cried with me, they supported me, they are the ones who said no no no, these women are no good for you and especially one in particular. They were there, they never let me down, they were always on the back burner so to speak and that was my doing because when I got involved with these narcissistic women in a friendship I sort of let these very valuable friendships, I let them go. I didn't or not maybe not let them go but I just sort of put them on the back burner and this was because I was so invested and so mesmerized by these new friendships in my life that I forgot about the good thing that I already had. So you know this is something that we have also spoken about myself with these two very important friends in my life is that I was in such a fog, I was living in such toxicity with the toxic friendships that I forgot about what it is like to have those real, valuable, truthful, sincere friendships in one's life and it's a give and take. It is a give and take. You invest your time, your energy, your love, your commitment, your compassion into these friendships and it's given back to you. So it's a very, it's an exchange of great wholesome energy and that is what a healthy friendship looks like. But when we speak of narcissistic female friendships in this case because I'm just honing in, just speaking particularly on friendships between women because I think it's, I cannot speak for men of course, I can only speak for my friendships with regards to women, is that there's a lot of emotion involved, there's a lot of girly things involved, there's so much involved in that and so women view their friendships in a different light. When we make friends we usually make them for life and you know it's an investment on both parts and it will not feel as if you have to put any work into healthy friendship. It just evolves naturally. So the toxic friendships, you know, in the beginning it could be that the narcissistic friend is looking for companionship or maybe a better word for that is a fan base because as we know narcissistic women do not, are not capable of maintaining healthy friendships. So they look for a fan base, someone who's going to woo them, someone who's going to put them on a pedestal, someone who is not going to set boundaries, someone who is just so warm, loving, kind, soft, gentle. This is what narcissistic females look for in their targets when it comes to friendships. And we're just touching the fact that a healthy friendship just sort of it evolves naturally. It's a very slow burn but it's a very solid growth and when it comes to female friendships you'll find that there is an immediate, almost immediate connection that you feel with this narcissistic female. I remember in my case this was also true where I had met one of these female friends online. We were having a discussion on something and the conversation went back and forth. I don't even remember what the topic was but the discussion went back and forth over a period of days and at some point she sent me a message and said, I love your take on things and you have a very open mind towards certain topics. Can we meet up over coffee and just discuss certain things? And I thought, well, yep, sure. We're both in the same branch so maybe we can, you know, maybe there's a collaboration that is involved here. Maybe we can, you know, just be able to, what is the word, yeah, maybe, you know, have the other person as a sparring partner. So I agreed to meet up and she walked into the room and there was this instant, oh my goodness, I cannot even explain it. It's like a lightning bolt, you know, where you just feel this instant connection. And a few days later she said to me, I pray to Jesus for a friend like you. I pray that you would come into my life. Now isn't that something because I remember years into the friendship, years later, I was praying to Jesus to deliver me from all evil, you know, so it's very funny the way we were both praying to Jesus but on different matters. So, yeah, this is, and I felt really, I just felt special when she said that, you know, someone was praying to Jesus for me to come into their lives and then we could cultivate this beautiful friendship. So that's quite something, you know, when I think back on that and when I read through my journals again, I think, oh my goodness, I was so clueless, so clueless. And, you know, pretty early on, I would say, into the friendship is when just strange circumstances, strange circumstances set into place, very strange situations, certain comments, a certain look, especially the look, there were just very tiny things that then amounted to this big thing where I was praying to Jesus to deliver me from evil but there were all these little things that happened throughout. And, you know, just to come back to the fan base, where oftentimes these female narcissists are looking for a fan base and they will move from one friendship to the next. If they're not getting what they have or what they want in one friendship, they will move to the next and they don't find it there, they will move to the next. Because they're looking for people to admire them, to sort of carry them through life, to put up with all their BS. So they are never invested in a true friendship. It's all about having this fan base. So the one thing that I first noticed is that this friend was a victim and a shero at the same time. So she would tell stories, this was early on into the friendship, where she would tell stories about all the people who wronged her in her life, all the bad and the toxic friendships that she went through, all the toxic relationships that she went through. And she would also always put herself in the victim role, where these men, you know, the stuff that men had done to her, that men were no good, the female friends she had encountered were no good to her, and she was trying to make these friendships work and trying to make the relationships work, and none of that would work. And she would put the blame onto the other person. It was never that she was in the wrong. Now, of course, you know, we tend to do this when we're telling about bad experiences in our life. We do tend to put ourselves in the victim role. That happens sometimes. But when there's a pattern of continuously being the victim, you know, there's something up there that is just not right. I believe in owning up to the stuff that you yourself have done wrong, because that is the only way we grow as human beings and as women. So she was either the victim or she was the shero, where she rescued the drowning puppy, so to speak. She was the one who brought food to the homeless. She did this and she did that. And I was in awe of this woman. I thought, wow, this is, you know, this is a wonderful person who has come into my life. She has done so many wonderful things. And then by her falling back into the victim role, I viewed it at that point as someone being very humble. I didn't get that, that I didn't get that tactic. I just thought it was someone being humble. So I was very much invested into this friendship early on. And, you know, again, looking back in hindsight, I can just see how I think one of my clients, I believe it was Erin, who was saying, when you get into these relationships, you're very mesmerised by them. And that is the absolute truth, Erin. You are mesmerised. It's like hypnosis when you're in these friendships. You just don't realise what's going on. So, you know, it got to the point where I had to set certain boundaries, because there was just so much going on in that friendship that just did not feel right. And I think this is the most important one. When you realise that things do not feel right, that you're walking on eggshells, that you're putting on masks every time you meet up with this person, because if you are yourself, then that is going to be a problem for them. They feel uncomfortable when you are yourself. They will try and change you and turn you into someone else. This is a huge red flag. You need to be able to feel comfortable in your friendships and not feel that you have to put on this mask every single time you see them. So I'm just glancing down at my notes here. It's the silent treatment when you set the boundaries, which I noticed I had a friendship, especially with this last friend for, I think it was six years. And in the last two years, I started to become aware of the fact that I needed to set boundaries. So I would set them, but being very unsure of myself, I would set a boundary and then feel a lot of guilt for setting that boundary. For example, this friend used to call me two, three times a day. She would continuously be sending me text messages. And it got to the point where I thought, I cannot move through my day with the phone continuously going, these text messages coming in. So I got to the point where I would just refuse to take the call. And I would phone her back several hours later. And of course, that was a problem because how dare I not take her call? I needed to be on call, on demand all the time. So I said to her at some point, you know, I've got stuff to do. I'm busy. I had a young daughter at that time. There's just stuff I have to do. I'll phone you later or I'll phone you tomorrow or I'll phone you four days from now. So that was setting a boundary, but also feeling unsure of myself, which she felt she knew, you know, this is the wound that narcissists are onto. They know when you are unsure of yourself and when you don't have a lot of self-confidence. So of course, that was a problem because how dare I set a boundary with her? You know, and this led to very many silent treatments. Of course, this is just one example that I'm giving, but there are so many examples I could give of the silent treatment. It's when you do not follow their lead, when you set boundaries, when you show that you are rebellious in certain situations. And in this context, rebellious means saying, no, that's not what I want. I see things differently. This is how I view certain things. This is my opinion. And that would be a huge problem. So the silent treatment would be given. And sometimes it would be a couple of days. Other times it would be months on end. And then in those months, I would be sitting on pins and needles wondering what I had done wrong. So I remember one time after a couple of weeks silent treatment, I got on the phone and I called and I said, look, I'm just not feeling comfortable with the way we're interacting with each other. And I said, all those weeks that we didn't speak, I felt as if I was going through a grieving process. I missed you so much. And I missed our phone calls and I missed the connection that we had. And so I poured my heart out to her and her response to that was, it didn't affect me at all. I didn't feel that. I just thought you were going through another phase in your life. So very invalidating of my experiences and very arrogant in her response. This is another red flag. You know, when you say to a healthy friend, I missed you and I missed our connection. There's so much I missed about you. The healthy friend would say, I missed you too. And I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry there was a breakdown in communication. Can we just meet up for coffee and just talk about it? For example, that is a healthy response. So of course, I'm not talking about a one off here. You know what I just explained about me telling her that I was going through a grieving process, that I seriously missed her. Usually there's a pattern involved. So the silent treatment, whenever you stand up for yourself and silent treatment is given to you or you are gaslit, you know, this is this is the pattern that forms. And at some point you can be onto them because of this pattern. So become aware of the pattern. Become aware of how you feel when the silent treatment is given. Do you feel, well, OK, that's not a valuable friendship. Let's just move on. Or do you go through heartache and are you able to relay this to the friend in question? And if you can relay it and your emotions and feelings are validated, that's a healthy friendship. If you are undermined, if your experiences are invalidated, that is a toxic friendship, especially when there's a pattern. Another red flag is the pattern of emotional outbursts. And I remember this so clearly. Every time I set a boundary with this toxic friend, every time I said, sorry, I cannot talk to you right now, I've got stuff to do, or can I get back to you next week or whatever the situation was, she would then get on the phone. And this happened twice. And I was shaken to my core. She got on the phone and just let it rip. I mean, there was so much abuse in that phone call, where she threw every single derogative term at me. She raised her voice. Her voice even changed. It, I cannot explain it. It was this voice of rage, of like an entity had taken over. I didn't, if I hadn't known who was calling me, I would have thought it was someone completely different. It was just a very wicked, very high pitched shriek that I was listening to. And this went on for 20 minutes. At some point, I just held the phone and she, you know, with her screeching at me, screaming at me, that I was a fake friend. How dare I set a boundary? How dare I go through this phase in my life? And this happened several times. And, you know, I took it. I took it. I just sat there and took it. I would sometimes cry, or I would be silent. But I just took that amount of abuse, amount of abuse on the phone. That is not who I am. If someone raises their voice at me, that is not something that I would just take sitting down. That is not who I am. I, I retaliate. I react. I would say, how dare you speak to me in that tone? So you see how your true self is then sort of buried underneath all of the abuse that is thrown at you. This was, this is, I think this for me was a sort of turning point where I thought to myself, Petra, you never take this kind of abuse. You would never stand for this abuse coming from someone else. Why from this person? And that was a turning point because then I began to question the friendship, question the things that this woman had done, things that she had said, not only to me, but also about my daughter and about my other healthy friendships. So these emotional outbursts that the narcissistic friend has, they start off, you know, very infrequently and then the pace is turned up and you will again see a pattern forming there where you are not allowed to speak. You will be shut down or she will raise her voice. She will dominate the conversation. These are all huge red flags. And just in closing, I mean, there's so much more I can say about this, and I'll probably make more videos just on certain topics of narcissistic friendships. But now in closing, another thing was, with this narcissistic friend, was the weird sexual attraction. Now, I know and I've known from a very young age that I am heterosexual. I love men and period. That's it. You know, so when I speak of the weird sexual attraction, this was so strange with this toxic friend, is that there was this underlying sexual attraction. And I cannot speak for her. I don't know if that's the way she felt. But I know for me, that is the way I felt towards the end of the friendship, I would say. And I thought, what is going on here? You know, where it would just be so, so strange. We'd be sitting in the car. I remember this one particular situation where we were traveling together. We had our children with us. She had her partner with her, and she asked the partner to move to the back seat to sit with the kids. And she asked me to sit in the front seat with her in the car. And she reached out and took my hand and sort of caressed my hand. And we sat in the car holding hands for a good 20 minutes, I believe. And there was this electrifying energy that was just going back and forth. It was so weird. And not to say, of course, you know, it's just so great when you can embrace your sexuality and celebrate your sexuality. But I knew that I was heterosexual. And I thought, what is going on here? You know, it made me doubt my own sexuality. I thought, maybe I am bisexual, or maybe I'm gay. Maybe I've got this secret attraction for women, which is wonderful. I mean, you know, celebrate that. But I knew that wasn't me. So this was just, it was so weird, so strange. And I remember that my healthy friend said to me, sometimes it's like you and her are in this love relationship together. It seems from us looking in, like you two are dating each other. And I knew exactly what they meant. But I just couldn't explain it. I couldn't fathom this out. So again, in hindsight, this is the fog that you are in, where you doubt your own perception, you doubt your own sexuality, you doubt your thoughts, you doubt your essence. You doubt so many aspects of who you are as a person. And this is not right. When you have this feeling that you need to doubt and second-guess who you are, that again is a huge red flag. Because in a healthy friendship, you wouldn't have to doubt. You would just be very secure about who you are. You'd be secure about voicing your opinions, being yourself. It just feels natural, as it should be. So again, you know, these are just a few of the points that I've written down here in front of me. But there are so many. You know, if I go through old emails between these toxic friendships and myself, if I just read through all the old emails, there are so many topics I could come up with, because so many strange, weird, toxic things happen in those friendships. And I think I'm going to dive into them again. You know, just look for all those old emails which I have put into my archive, and just go through them, and then formulate certain topics that are very important to speak of when talking about narcissistic female friendships. So again, women, the female intuition is so strong. We need to stop denying that female intuition. Listen to it with regards to narcissistic friendships. Whatever your gut is telling you, this is not right, be careful, question, challenge this person. When your gut is telling you that, listen to it, because it certainly does have your best interests at heart. So, I hope that has helped for now, and please send in your topics. If you have certain questions or queries on narcissistic friendships, I'll be more than happy to answer them and make new videos on them. So, take care of yourselves for now, and speak to you all very soon. Bye for now.