The dynamics of codependency

Hi there dear guys and girls, I'm Petra, life coach and advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. I've received very many emails and you know just from speaking to clients especially of late, the question is always posed am I a codependent and I just want to share my personal take on this is that not everyone who is involved with a narcissist or has been involved with a narcissist is codependent. In some cases as also in my case there can be a gullibility, there can be a lot of people pleasing and people who don't set boundaries. This is something that I you know was accustomed to most of my life where I was very gullible. I would just take on whatever was said to me, I would never question it, I would just go with the flow and then get myself into a lot of trouble doing so oftentimes. But it's also about not setting those healthy boundaries and not honoring your own opinion and your own take on certain things. So that is the other side of people involved with narcissists. Now when we speak of the dynamics in codependency, the dynamics of codependency, it's really going back to childhood and this is often very true for adult children of narcissistic parents you know. So adult children who were raised in dysfunctional homes but not realizing at that time that it was dysfunction you know where you get to a certain age where you realize that the home that you have grown up in is not normal because you get to see homes outside of your home and that's when you see the difference between where you are brought up and what you can see at the neighbor's place, neighbor's home or at a friend's home. This is when you get to notice the difference even though I believe this also to be true that at a very young age you have you know it's that instinct where you know something's not right but of course you do not have the intelligence at that young age to verbalize what it is you're feeling and to put a label to that as well. So the dynamics of codependency is really in a nutshell it is childhood downloads. Now what do I mean by that? Every single child that is born is born with a clean slate, born with you know they're just open, it's an absolute clean book, empty pages if you will and up until the age of I believe seven, I'm not an expert on this but I believe it's between the age of five and seven, that is when our personalities are sort of set in stone and this is because from a child being clean, a clean slate, the parents then get to download information into the child's brain and when you are growing up with a narcissistic parent you are programmed and you there is data that is downloaded into your brain that usually does not work for you and this is where you are being taught, you are being programmed, you are being conditioned from a very young age to think a certain way, to be a certain way, to show up a certain way and when that intuition starts to kick in you then automatically develop a mechanism or strategy for protecting yourself. So whether that narcissistic parent, father or mother, whatever they condition you to be like is what you are going to take on as your own identity because you do not have another point of reference so you automatically take that and you are like a sponge, your brain is like a sponge and you suck up all this information. So a child, good parenting, healthy parenting, let me put it that way, is teaching the child how to have their own identity, teaching them and also encouraging them to have their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own emotions, their own opinions on certain things. It is as simple as saying what colour would you like your room painted, what kind of sweater would you like to wear, what colour pants would you like to wear, what would you like to do for your next birthday party. That is where it starts, that is healthy parenting, allowing the child to have their space to form their own opinions and therefore also form their own personality. But with a narcissistic parent this is never allowed. The parent pours into the child what they believe is right and they also believe that the child is there simply to supply them with narcissistic fuel. So the child is taught to shut up, not voice your opinion, how dare you speak to me that way, you are in this home to be of service to me and the service can show up anyway, whether it is taking care of younger siblings, whether it is doing everything that the narcissistic parent says, whatever it is, the child will take this on because at some point the fear is then instilled in the child. If you do not do as I wish, as the narcissistic parent would say, then there are consequences involved. The consequences can be beatings, they can be silent treatment, they can be the fits of rage that the parent, the narcissistic parent gets into. So the child quickly learns that it is not profitable to them to talk back to the parent and if they do talk back then that is greeted, that is met with a lot of anger, a lot of disdain, a lot of putting the child down, making the child feel like the smallest person living, making the child feel that they are unloved, which is true because the narcissistic parent always has conditions of love. They never love their children unconditionally. The child has to give in order to get and the getting is rarely non-constructive. If anything, it is very destructive. So the narcissistic parent systematically breaks down any sense of self. This is what is really going on. So that when you come to an age where you know that you do have your own thoughts and opinions, but on the other hand, this has been instilled and this has been downloaded into your brain where you are not really allowed to speak about that. You are not allowed to verbalize your opinions, your thoughts, the way you show up, your likes, your dislikes. This is the fear that is instilled in a young child and this is what carries on into adulthood. So where the dysfunction shows up in codependency is when you have the urge as an adult child of a narcissistic parent, you have the urge to control anything and anyone. And this is because this is what has been downloaded into your brain. This is what has been taught to you as a child that it's all about control. That is love. Because again, what does the narcissistic parent do? I am controlling you. So in the mind of the child, that translates as that is love. So this is what you take into your grown-up life, where your definition of love is control. And it's not only being controlled by the narcissistic partner or the narcissistic friend or the narcissistic co-worker, but it is also that you exhibit that same control and it is done in a subtle way, but not with the intention of hurting the other. It is done with the intention of gaining validation, of gaining love, of gaining support. So whatever it is that you are longing for, you are looking for externally. So there is a pattern of control going on there, but it is not a malignant pattern to justify that. Of course, when the narcissist controls you, that is very malignant. But when the codependent does it, it is because this is what they have been taught and they don't know any other way. And oftentimes you don't even know that you're doing it until it is called to your attention that you want control of the situation or person. And this often shows up when you are in a romantic relationship or a friendship where you want to control the other person by people-pleasing. If I please you, then you need to give me love. That is my definition of love. If I pretend that I don't need anyone, then I will not be abandoned. Another way could be with the codependent is where you ignore the elephant in the room. The elephant can be standing there, pink, with pink sunglasses. It is huge. It is in the middle of the room. And the codependent will choose to ignore it, walk around it, make as though it is not there. This is a strategy that is taught. It is a behaviour strategy to keep you safe. This is what is really going on. And also seeking external validation. Because the reason why codependents do this, why they seek external validation, is because they have never been taught how to have that sense of self. So there is absolutely no sense of self in the very tragic cases. So your sense of self has either been crushed, and this is usually, as with myself, when I went through the romantic narcissistic relationship, the friendships that I had with narcissists, is that my self was crushed, my self-esteem was brought to a down low, and or to a very low state. I'm sorry, I think down low means something else there. It was brought down to a very low state. But when you have been raised in this function, then there is no sense of self whatsoever. It has been totally crushed. So typically, when a codependent is asked about self, you know, what are your thoughts? What is your take on this situation? To give an example, the codependent will flip that around and start to talk about something else or someone else. And the key to neutralising this is to be open to the fact that you have a self. You do have it. It's just that you have never been taught how to access that self. And how does this show up? You know, it's something as simple as asking a codependent or you, if you yourself think that you are a codependent, by asking yourself, what is my favourite colour? You know, is it black? Is it orange? Is it green? What is my favourite colour? What is it that I will not tolerate? What is my favourite meal to eat? I think my hair looks great like this, instead of asking other people, do you think my hair looks great? You know, it's those very simple things that for the outside world may seem very simple. But for you, it is a huge task when you have no sense of self to realise what it is that you like, that you dislike, your political views, you know, your favourite meals. It can be taking the lead in any situation, taking the initiative. Maybe in a romantic relationship with a spouse, for example, you tend to take a back seat instead of taking the lead. And of course, taking the lead is again, voicing your opinions, voicing what you would have done, is voicing what you think is the best solution at a certain point in time. That is taking the lead in your own life. It's not about controlling the other by pleasing them. So you need to be open to that fact, open to the fact that there is a self. It is just buried under the opinions of your narcissistic parent, and also under the downloads of your narcissistic parent. So these behaviour strategies that codependents have learnt from an early age are designed to protect yourself from being abandoned, as I just said. And it shows up usually in two ways, where you will avoid confrontation by people pleasing, avoid the elephant in the room. So you will avoid any kind of confrontation, you will just walk on eggshells, you will people please, you will be silent instead of standing up for yourself. That is one way of doing it. And what it all boils down to is that you do not want to be abandoned. And the second way that shows up is by pretending that you do not need anyone else, pretending that you've got this, you can handle the situation, you can go through life on your own. And to use an example of that, my husband tends to do that, tends to put up this front that he does not need anyone else, that he can do it all on his own, that he doesn't need any help. Very, sometimes a very stubborn streak there. And it is, you know, at the end of the day what it boils down to is that there is a fear of abandonment. And this is for every adult child of narcissistic abuse. There is always going to be that fear of abandonment. But you can neutralise that and you can heal that by, again, being open to the fact that there is a self. It just needs to be accessed, it needs to come to the foreground, you need to download new information into your brain. Because, you know, the information that has been downloaded through your parents, your narcissistic parents, will always be there, it will always be in the background. You cannot delete that sort of information, you cannot delete those files. What you can do is put in new files, is download new files. So you are really giving yourself ground to stand on. It's about laying your own ground, laying your own foundation on which to further your life. So that it is a life of fulfilment, it is a life of less people-pleasing and more self-love, less giving and more compassion for self. That is what healing codependency is all about. It is about redefining who you are as an adult and also having compassion for the fact that you had no say, you had no control into what was downloaded into your brain at a very young age. So I think that this is a very fascinating topic, codependency, and there are so many dynamics that go into codependency and I'm going to just spread them out over several videos and bring up a subject every single time about codependency and how it shows up in your life, in your relationships, in your friendships or maybe even the lack of those relationships and friendships. If you would like a certain topic on codependency to be touched on, then please send an email or leave a comment here down below and I will focus on that more in the coming weeks and months. Having said that, of course, it's very important to also know the dynamics of narcissism and the narcissistic relationship you may be in, but I do want to create a balance in the videos. So on the one hand speaking of narcissistic behaviors and what a narcissist does and on the other hand speaking of codependency traits and how you have been conditioned to have these traits and how to heal them and how to learn to live with that and how to also sift through what is not working for you, what is toxic for you, in your behavior patterns and what is ultimately going to help you through life by replacing those toxic behaviors of feeling abandoned with good and healthy behaviors which are going to put you in a whole different chapter of your life, which are going to allow you to have those healthy relationships, to see toxicity coming from a mile off and knowing how to set those boundaries and not tolerate toxicity anymore and also learning about who you are in essence and what is it that you want from life because I believe that every single person has a purpose in life and when we have been bogged down by narcissistic abuse we lose, we get into a fog, we lose all focus and we don't know how to proceed through life because we are actually focusing on the problem of narcissistic abuse and that is what creates the stress and that is what creates the panic and that is what also keeps us emotionally paralyzed. So these are the topics that I want to focus on more and maybe a little bit less on narcissistic behaviors but ultimately I want to create the balance between those two very important topics. So please keep those emails coming and I hope this video has helped some. I just want to thank you all for the continued support of my channel or of our channel really because without you I would not have a channel. So thank you for all the new subscribers and for sharing the videos and for being part of this YouTube channel. Take care of yourselves and looking forward to speaking to you all soon. Bye for now.