Communicating your feelings & emotions to the narcissist

Hi there dear guys and girls, I'm Petra. Welcome back to the channel and thank you again to all the new subscribers and to all of you who have been on board from day one. So today I wanted to speak about when you try and communicate your feelings and your emotions to the narcissist. And this can be in any form, this can be through text, through email, through speaking to them one-on-one. You know, there is really no point in communicating your feelings and emotions. And I realize that we all have this urge, we want to tell them how we feel, we want to explain ourselves to them, describe our feelings, describe our emotions. But really what we are ultimately doing is just being given the silent treatment, we are getting anger, and our needs are not being met. When two healthy people have a conversation then, or when they're in a relationship, then both needs are met. But with the narcissist, it's all about their needs being met and it's got nothing to do with your needs being met, or your desires or your wishes being listened to and being acknowledged. So what often happens is when, you know, especially when we have been discarded, when we have left the relationship ourselves, we feel even more of an urge to want to explain our feelings and emotions. And this was also true for me with the last friendship I was in, Narcissistic Friendship, I felt the urge at some point because I had been, I had all these accusations thrown at me and very mean things were said to me, especially it was sort of taken to level 100, you know, in the last, I would say, two, maybe three months of the friendship. She really turned up the heat on the accusations and the unkind remarks and the abuse in general. So it got to a certain point where I felt that I needed to communicate how I was feeling and what my emotions were in this whole friendship towards her. So because I knew that she would always get the upper hand if I spoke to her one-on-one or if I had a telephone conversation with her, I realized that there was no point in doing it that way. So I thought, well, what I'm going to do is just sit down, write an email, get all my feelings and emotions out, tell her about this or about them, and also explain myself in certain situations. You know, this is for all targets, we feel the need to explain ourselves when really there is no need. You know, when you set a boundary and when you communicate your emotions and feelings or feelings especially, there is no need for you to explain yourself. But we always make this mistake where we feel that it is necessary to explain ourselves. So anyway, I got about sitting down and I think it took me about two hours to sit and write that email. And when I looked, when I read through it, I thought, oh, maybe that's too painful for her, I'll remove that bit. Or maybe I'm confronting her too much, so I'll remove that bit. So at the end of the day, I had cut a lot of what I had originally written. I had downsized it, so to speak. And I sent her the email. And the response to that was, I refuse to read all this text you have sent me. If you wish to discuss your text message with me or your email with me, you may phone me. And if you choose not to phone me, then I will delete your message. I am not going to read it. Well, first off, I knew, I just felt that was a lie. Of course, she'd read the email. She knew exactly what I had written in there. But you see, this is the thing. When you confront the narcissist or communicate to the narcissist about what you're feeling and about what you're thinking, this is up in their face. They do not like confrontation. So when they see that you are challenging them with things that they have said or things that they have done, they will shut down that whole conversation. And it was shut down by way of email. I did send a quick message back to her and said, I refuse to get on the phone with you and read my email to you. You can read it in your own time. And if you choose not to read it, that is also fine with me. So what this is really trying to tell us when we get these very, you know, when we pour our heart and our soul and all our emotions into trying to tell them what we are going through, this is always shut down. So again, it is the feeling of abandonment that you get, the feeling of rejection, the feeling of not being heard, which is all the stuff that you experience when you're in the relationship anyway. So when it comes to, you know, many people have asked me, should I send an email? And that is a very personal thing. Of course, it's not about should I, it's about what you personally want to do. If you feel that you want to send an email to explain yourself or to just get things off your chest, that is fine. If you want to send it, that's also fine. In hindsight, what I would suggest is that you write out the email, but don't send it. Because there is also a lot of energy that has been released when you write down your thoughts and feelings. And when you can sort of envision that you are telling the narcissist in your life or who is now out of your life about what you went through, it is also releasing energy. So all our thoughts come through our hands, onto paper, onto your iPad or computer, and you are also releasing that energy. So if anything, it is a good thing to at least get that energy out to write it down and to release it in that manner. So always write. But now I would not suggest that you send it because really there is no point in sending an email like that. There is no point in confronting them because you will not be heard, you will not have your story heard, they will not validate what you have been going through, they will not acknowledge the amount of abuse that they put you through. So there is really no point to it. And the reason why this happens, you know, if we just look at it from a scientific point of view and maybe also a logic point of view, is that when narcissists themselves have been traumatized in their youth, in their childhood, sometimes that trauma is so devastating that it shuts down their frontal lobe. Now what does the frontal lobe allow you to do? It allows you to communicate in a healthy way, in an effective way. It allows you to show empathy, it allows you to have introspection, to be able to manage your time, manage your emotions, manage your relationships, manage effective communication. I think I just said that. It also allows you to be creative and it enables you as well to have free choice. This is what the frontal lobe does. But when the narcissist has been traumatized, as I believe that most of them are at an early age, they shut down all of that. So the frontal lobe also puts them on alert. So whenever you confront them or try and communicate with them, the only thing that they are hearing or feeling is anger. Because what they're really trying to do is, the frontal lobe has been damaged through traumatic experiences and when these experiences have not been dealt with, effectively dealt with, when they have not been spoken about, when the narcissist has not submitted themselves to healing, then this causes a lot of damage. So when you confront them, their only response is to neutralize the threat. They see you as a threat when you confront them. So the only thing that is going on in their minds is, I need to neutralize this right now. And this is where this narcissistic ex-friend comes in, where she said, I refuse to read your email, you can discuss this with me, you know, that sort of thing, shuts the whole thing down. A true friend would have read the email, would have said, I am sorry for what I have subjected you to, it was maybe not my intention, I'm truly sorry that I made you feel that way, can we then discuss it and get things clear and open and heal this friendship? That is what a healthy person would do, friendship or relationship. But of course this is not what the narcissist does, because they see you as a threat, they want to neutralize that threat and that is why you are shut down, that is why you are not heard, that is why none of your feelings matter to them, none of your emotions matter to them, nothing about you matters to them. And that is a very, very hard and bitter pill to swallow, because it's a shock when you truly realize that, it is a shock to the system to come to the realization that the whole friendship or the whole relationship was all just based on a lie, that you have been used as an object in this interaction and nothing more than an object. And that is a very difficult fact to come to terms with. So the narcissist, excuse me, does not know how to meet their own needs. They suffer from very, very low self-esteem and this is why they put up this front of being superior, of being very powerful, when in actual fact that is not what is going on on the inside. They are very weak, their energy is very low, their vibrational frequency is very low. And to just bring that into perspective, I'm sure you've all witnessed where a young person or an adult for that matter, you know, big, looking very tough, a very tough-looking person will attack a little puppy, will attack a kitten, will kick, you know, kick an animal. An animal is very vulnerable, they are weak, especially tiny animals are very weak. So this is really how the narcissist views you, that you are weak, you are soft and they feel even more powerful when they can prey on someone who's weak. They regard these values as being very weak. But the truth of the matter is that you are very powerful, you have these great virtues, you are able to go through a traumatic experience and heal yourself through that experience. You are able to put things into perspective at some point, you know, when you are on your journey of healing. So the truth is that you and I are very powerful in that respect and a narcissist is very much aware of this. They know how powerful you are and when they see power they cannot handle that truth. So they will go about using their control tactics to neutralize your truth and your truth is also your power and your power is your truth. So they feel that they need to take that down because you are a threat to them, because you are so powerful. They have no control of their own self-esteem, they have no control over their own lives, they have no control about changing their negative thoughts and their negative energy into something more constructive and positive. If anything they feel that they need to use you to make them feel better about themselves. So this is really the dynamic of the relationship and that is why there is no point in communicating your feelings, your thoughts, your emotions to them because they are not, it is of no interest to them. So they recognize your power and they are scared of that truth. So they go about controlling, manipulating, intimidating and the thing with targets, with victims of abuse is that when we are in the throes of that abuse we do not feel nor do we recognize our inner power and our inner strength. Because we have been so manipulated and they have played mind games with us, made us to believe that we are nothing more than a weak vulnerable object, that we have no internal values, that we do not appreciate ourselves. This is what is often told to us, you are nothing, you are evil, you are the one who has seen things wrong, you are the one who is provoking me. So when this is said to you often enough your self-esteem is taken down to the very lowest. So you do not believe that you have that strength and power to stand up for yourself, to set boundaries, to say no. And this is where they want you. They see power. This is why they choose us as easy targets. We are nothing more than easy targets to them. And why are we easy? It's because we are always looking for the good in humanity. We are always willing to compromise. We are always willing to get into discussions. We are always willing to communicate in a healthy way. And again this is something that the narcissist sees. They see the very power. To them we are very easy targets because they know that we are giving from authenticity, we are giving from softness and love and this makes it easier for them to manipulate us. Because a narcissist will never try and manipulate or abuse someone who is at the same superior level as they are. So someone who is also very much ego-based they will not even try to abuse someone with that level of, well maybe even a level of consciousness because they know that they will never win that fight. So this is why they go for someone who is very, who has very authentic traits. But the thing is with targets we have those authentic traits but because we haven't learned certain life skills, and a life skill is setting boundaries, is learning to say no, is learning to take care of yourself on the inside and on the outside. And in some cases when we have not learned this we lose all touch of our power and so we feel that we cannot stand up to the narcissist. But nothing is further from the truth. Just know that this is their way of controlling you and you will notice that as soon as you start to communicate to them or confront them, that's what I meant to say, when you start to confront them about their bad behavior, about what they've done, what they've said, how they show up in life, this sort of, it rings a bell in their mind that you are awakening to the truth. That you know you have that internal power and you are awakening, you are tapping into that power. That is why we have the guts to confront them. And when they see this happening they realize that then their mask is starting to crumble and they will do anything in their power to maintain that mask so that it stays intact. And this is why you will not get a response from them. So again, this is the very reason why you should not even take the trouble to communicate your feelings and emotions. Write them down, yes, but don't send that email. So I hope that has helped some. Please keep your emails coming and your topics coming and I look forward to speaking to you very soon. Have a great weekend and speak to you next week. Bye for now.