Therapists who simply don’t understand the impact of narcissistic abuse

Hi there, dear guys and girls. I'm Petra. I'm a life coach and advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. So, as I've said very many times, I receive so many emails from all over the world and wonderful, beautiful, warm emails from all the survivors of narcissistic abuse. Those of you who have questions, queries, commenting on things I've said in videos, or those of you who are asking for coaching, one-to-one coaching. But there is a flip side to that as well, and that is that I get so many emails from therapists, from other coaches, psychologists, relationship counseling advisors, and the whole manner of those offering their help online or otherwise. And it's very strange that when I receive an email from a therapist, or a coach, or a psychologist with regards to the videos that I have put up in Dutch and in English, is that they are always hate mails. Now, isn't that fascinating? You would expect from a therapist, or from another coach, that there would be emails of uplifting, of learning, of wanting to work together, so there would be collaboration. This is what you would expect. But the truth is that there is a lot of bashing going on in the world of therapy and coaching. So I've received so many emails from these people who literally bash the fact that I dare go on YouTube and talk about NPD. And also because they think, they feel that most of my information is wrong. And yeah, right, so that would be all the information spread by all the survivors of narcissistic abuse. That would be wrong, all that information. So they have simply said, what it boils down to is that they say that I need to remove all the information that I spread because it is untrue. And that I am not helpful in the community. Now this is, now I can smile about it. But you know, if this had been said to me three or four years ago, when you are just coming out of a narcissistic abusive relationship, this is not helpful. That therapists and psychologists who have all these degrees and who are supposed to be very attuned and very knowledgeable of narcissistic abuse can make these kinds of statements. Because what they're actually doing when they're telling you that you need to stop judging the narcissist, when you need to stop spreading information about what narcissistic personality disorder is, is that they are really minimizing your experiences. They are making fun of your experiences. And it is not helpful whatsoever. If anything, it makes you worse, especially when you are in the beginning stages of coming out of this relationship or trying to break free from an you are suffering from complex PTSD. All these things are made worse by a therapist who simply does not get it. So what I've done is I took extracts from an email that I received from this last therapist. And she has so many titles behind her name. You know, just reading all those titles reminds me of a dictionary. It is so fascinating to me that you can have all these titles behind your name, but you still do not get it. And even more, that you do not help those of you who come with the truth of their situation and you downplay that. So I know she's watching me right now. And I would just like to say, which I have said to her in the email, is that you, dear lady, need to understand that when people come to you and they say to you, I am the victim of narcissistic abuse, you need to take them seriously. Because we do not just come up with these terms when we are sitting in the therapist's office. And when we are explaining to you what our experience has been, you need to take every single situation seriously. Because narcissistic abuse is very real. You cannot downplay that fact. So I took a few extracts from her email and I translated them. It's a Dutch woman who wrote me, the last therapist who wrote me. And she wrote me, well, I felt that it was a very nasty email. But anyway, I did respond to everything she had said in there. And the very interesting points that I thought, which she probably uses in her practice as well, and which so many other therapists may use. And this is what is very destructive to the healing of the victim, of the target. So one of the sentences, there's just a few I've written down here. One of them, the first one was, you need to stop judging the narcissist. They are just as damaged as their victims. So yes, this is true. This can be true. It's definitely true from the target's perspective, is that yes, they are a victim and they are both, they are definitely damaged. The narcissist is also damaged from whatever trauma or whatever they have been through in their lives. But then again, if you look at it from both sides, the target and the narcissist, yes, may both be damaged, but the targets do not go around abusing others in the process. It is not for them to say, I have been so traumatized by my past. I have been through so many difficult experiences in my life, so I'm going to take it out on others. That is the difference. And this therapist was trying to make out that both parties are at fault. Now, I do not believe in fault in this case. What I do believe is that both parties need to take ownership, need to take responsibility for their part in keeping up the dynamics of a toxic relationship. So on the part of the victim, the target, yes, it is about ownership to say, look, I am feeding into this illusion of a relationship or a friendship, and I need to stop feeding into that illusion and remove myself from a toxic situation. But what this therapist was in fact saying is that both of them need to take responsibility. And she said, yes, even a narcissist can take responsibility for their actions. And that just made me laugh, because if this woman, this lady had truly been in tune with the impact of narcissistic abuse, then she would realize that a narcissist never takes responsibility for their actions. It's always left up to the target. Something else she said was, the behavior patterns of the narcissist are exactly the same as the They are fear, no self-confidence, the need for love and security. Again, this may be true. This is not always true in the case of the narcissist. Yes, again, there has been trauma, and there is a lack of love, a lack of self-love, a lack of not learning boundaries, a lack of not developing emotionally. That is absolutely true. So there may be similar behavior patterns with the target and with the narcissist, but again, the target has the capability of awakening to these patterns and stopping that pattern, interrupting that pattern, whereas the narcissist never interrupts the pattern. They only interrupt the pattern long enough for them to go looking for new supply, and then the pattern starts all over again. So it is a lifelong disorder for the narcissist. Another quote, the partner needs to take responsibility for the dynamics of the relationship and not put blame on the narcissist, or they cultivate the pattern of dysfunction. Again, to some degree, this might be true, but as I just stated, it is up to the target to interrupt that pattern, to step away, to stop feeding the illusion, and to start practicing self-care on a daily basis, to break all contact, if at all possible. This is what is really going on. So it is not just the partner taking responsibility for the dynamics of the relationship. All that the partner can do, the target in this case, can take responsibility for them being there, and then remove themselves from that situation. That is all the ownership and the responsibility that you need to take. You do not need to take responsibility for what the narcissist does or says to you. You do not need to take responsibility for their abuse. You only need to take responsibility for yourself and for your own healing. When the partner looks at themselves, another quote, and the narcissist with compassion, so when the partner looks at themselves and the narcissist with compassion, the spell is broken and the relationship is repaired. I mean, seriously, this is a therapist writing, a therapist with 20-25 years of experience. No, this is not the way it works. The partner needs to have compassion for themselves. The target needs to have compassion for themselves. And it is not about looking at the narcissist with compassion and then breaking the spell of the relationship and thus repairing the relationship. I wish it was that simple. You know, if that was the truth of the matter, then we all would have gotten to that point. If anything, all we do in these toxic relationships is show the narcissist compassion and love and we succumb to their desires, to their needs, we meet their needs in the relationship. But there comes a point where you are totally bankrupt, emotionally bankrupt. So it is not up to us to say we're going to give more compassion and more love and we're going to meet even more needs of the narcissist because this is detrimental to our health. This is what is breaking us. This is what affects our whole nervous system. So any therapist who says that to you, who says you need to break the spell of the relationship and you'll see that everything will fall into place and you will end up with a beautifully healthy relationship, that is bullshit. It does not work that way. You know, and I cannot believe that there are still therapists who venture into that into those dynamics of relationship counselling when they do not have the full knowledge and the full experience of what narcissistic abuse does to a person. If they did have that full knowledge and the full experience, they would never say such things when they are doing relationship counselling. Another quote, I have another three here, is that both parties, this therapist quoted, both parties are able to heal themselves and the relationship. And no, I just answered that question. Not both parties are able to heal themselves. The target is able to heal themselves. If you are committed to your healing, if you are committed to self-care, if you are committed to examining your thoughts, your behaviour patterns, and are also committed to changing those patterns and healing yourself, yes, then you have a healthy individual. The narcissist, however, that is their purpose in life, is to not heal at all because they always put the blame onto the target. They never take responsibility. So there is no question of healing themselves and making for a healthy relationship. It is just absolutely out of the question. She concluded her email, this therapist, by saying, according to Professor of Forensic Psychiatry, and she gave his name, here in the Netherlands, there is no such thing as a narcissistic personality disorder. Wow. Wow. No such a thing as a personality disorder. Now that just, that just blows my mind when a certified therapist says this. Again, you know, on the one hand you, I can understand it because I do not believe that you can be very well educated in understanding the full impact of narcissistic abuse unless you have been through it yourself. And that is why you would make that sort of a statement. You know, what I do believe in is that therapists and coaches and psychologists do get training on how to recognize the behavior patterns of a narcissist, especially those therapists who are doing couples counseling. They need to be able to recognize what a narcissist, what kind of mind games they play, not only on their partner, but also on the therapist themselves. Yes, I do believe they need to be trained in that. But to really be able to help someone heal from the impact of narcissistic abuse, it is imperative that the therapists themselves have been through it and that they totally understand what it is that you experienced, what happened to your mind in that whole process, what happened to your feelings, what happened to your emotions, and only then can you effectively be helped out in situations like these. So I don't care, you know, I don't care for people who use the title of professor of forensic psychiatry, for example, to minimize the experience of the targets and go about giving talks and stating in textbooks that there is no such a thing as a personality disorder, and there is no such a thing as a narcissistic personality disorder. I think that is so destructive for those of us who are going through the healing and who are, you know, when someone says this, it is unvalidating your story. It is not validating your experience. So whether you're a hot shot or not, and I have all respect for those of you who have those degrees and who truly embrace their work with compassion and with integrity, I have all respect for you. But do not use those titles to minimize the experience of the targets of narcissistic abuse. And she closed her email, ended her email by saying, at least I listened to both sides of the story. I dare to say that probably this lady does not listen to both sides of the story. She listens to one side of the story in her practice, and this is probably the side of the narcissist, because whatever a victim may say to a therapist, if the narcissist is also there in couples counselling, then they will take that truth that you have told and they will twist it into some fantastic story which gets, which manipulates the therapist to believe that their story is correct and that you are the one with the problem. You, the healthy one, are the one with the problem. So I can imagine that there are so many of you, and I know that I have spoken to very many of you, who try to go to couples counselling with the narcissistic partner and that things just not did, just didn't work out because your story was twisted. Because when you are sitting in a therapist's office and the narcissist plays the victim, the narcissist puts on the waterworks, and the narcissist will twist that story, twist your truth, and manipulate the therapist into believing that they are the true victims and not the real victim sitting next to them. So I realise that very many of you have been through this, and if anything, this video was just to warn you that yes, there are wonderful, great therapists, psychologists and coaches out there, but you again need to learn to trust your intuition. When things do not feel right in a therapist's office, then you can follow that, and you are allowed to fire that therapist and say, look, the whole dynamic of this situation does not sit well with me, and I want to look for someone else who is going to help me in a more effective fashion. You have every right to do that. Don't just be gullible and go along with what a therapist has said, because you will end up being more frustrated when they choose the side of the narcissist. You will be more frustrated, more stressed out, and again the narcissist will have the upper hand, and they will be able to exhibit even more control over you. So just be warned, be very thorough when looking for a therapist, for a counsellor, or if you feel that you need to just have this one last, one last act of hope really. If you speak to your narcissistic partner and say, look, I think we need to go just one more time for couples counselling, I would advise you not to do that, because there's no point in it. The narcissist is not going to change. But if you feel that you want to do this in order to close that chapter on your life, go ahead and do it, but be very aware about who you get involved with, with regards to therapy, counselling or coaching. So I hope that has helped some. Again, please keep those emails coming. If you need to have compassion, it is definitely for yourself, and not for the person who has abused you. Thank you all again for watching. Take care of yourselves. Bye now.