Cynicism After Narcissistic Abusive Trauma

Hi everybody, welcome to this week's question answer video. My name is David. This is Damar's Coaching and I'm answering you guys' questions from the last question answer video last Monday. I do this every single Monday. Hope your weekend went well. All I ask you guys, please tell us your locations. Let us know where you're at. Just be general. I like to know. A lot of us, other, a lot of you guys like to know. So just share where you are, please, please. And other thing I ask, if you haven't already signed my petition, please consider doing so. It's a global petition for everyone. All you got to do is follow the link inside. Stop narcissistic online bullying. It's about persistent harassment until you take your life. It's the number one reason young people are taking their lives today. And I want to stop that. Okay. It doesn't infringe your freedom of speech. You're allowed to say whatever you want to anybody. It's constant, persistent harassment, attacking you and getting other people to attack you. Smear campaigns and stalking and things like this. Okay. Thank you very much for signing it. If you do, you can also share it with someone else if you want to do something else. Okay. Let's get started with the questions. They're great. There's lots of them. I'm going to try to go as fast as I can. Will, not going to read the rest of it. Will from Pennsylvania. The borderline I dated told me she treated me the way that she felt about me. What she meant was extreme hatred for no apparent reason. I tried forever to prove how good I was by helping her clean her car, dishes, et cetera. Nothing I did was ever good enough. On top of that, she slept with all my friends and co-workers and told them I was the problem. Pure insanity. I'm very, very sorry. I hope that you're healing and recovering and processing all of that. Please do it. How people treat others is how they feel about themselves. She has it backwards. Yeah. I'm going to treat you how I feel about you. Well, then she hates you. We have to accept that, don't we? When people show you they hate you and they tell you they hate you, accept it. Yeah. Not everybody's going to like you. So that's how she feels about herself. You'll see this in people, how they take care of themselves or they don't. How they can look at themselves, introspect or fail to do so. Whether I can take personal inventory, whether I can introspect, whether I can be humble, where I can look at myself and say, I did something wrong and I apologize and actually change behavior. I can be alone with myself, things like this. But the other part, you tried forever to prove how good you were, usually means our parents didn't unconditionally love us. They conditionally loved us. They gave us what we wanted and needed on conditions only. That I got good grades, that I did everything they said to do, which sucks because then they're placing importance on what you do and not do instead of how you feel. And this is the problem, okay? Just saying it's difficult. Water babe, don't know where you're from. Let us know where you guys are. Please tell us your locations, locations, locations. Absolutely, 100%. I'm a victim in my childhood. What's wrong with some humans? I've signed it. Thanks, David. I'm sorry about your story too. Thank you. I'm not sorry about my story. Once you heal from it, you value it. We don't want to ever take it back. It's like, I don't know, something that you didn't like that you did, you learned a lot from. You're a victim of bully, I'm guessing, and I'm sorry. Thank you for signing it. Let's see, locations, locations, locations. I'm just going to say it all the time. Kira Schwartz, thank you for answering the question about the planned discard. You are right. Possibly it is a blessing. I will not drown with the sinking ship, so to say. I heard about him through another person. Lovely, unhealthy way of communication, and it seems he is suddenly a complete different person. Another favorite person who takes care of him. Another life changed like a chameleon, but still feeling, still a feeling of emptiness and not seen. Nobody can fill the void ever, right? No, people don't fill voids. Because if they do, then we're saying that people are irreplaceable, and they're not. Maybe at a job, military, maybe, but not in life, not in real life, personal life. People are not replaceable, so you have to heal from that void. We can temporarily fill it with something, an activity, something we're interested in, something maybe healthy. Most people pick working out, and they haven't changed, and I understand that they may act different in the beginning. They act like they did with you in the beginning, and then they eventually act like they did with you in the middle, and in the end. If they have a personality disorder, that's what it means. They don't change. There's no chameleon or anything like that. They wear a mask that almost pretty much we all wear. They don't want that mask to fall out, and it eventually falls off because of stress, but that is who they are, and that's who they're going to be with other people. Don't worry. David, I'm from Newcastle, Australia. Dale, Dale Mickle. Hi, Dale. This video is interesting as I'm a prison officer and see the lowest of low in people. Is it taught behavior? How do we break the cycle of it? Do people learn this because it is taught to them? Yeah. Thank you for what you do. Again, I sent you a message on your last video post. My ex, BPD, CPTSD, and every mental health issue known to humans. She is the world's biggest pain in the ass. Not sure where I was going with this, but far out. I would like to have a bourbon with you sometime. All the best, mate. Thank you again for what you do. Thank you. That's great. I prefer tequila, but I'd like to have that with you too. Yeah, it's learned behavior. I mean, you're in the prison system, right? So how well is reform? Not very good, and what reform, the positive results of reform are they don't do the crime again, and the reason they don't do the crime again is because they got punished. That's why they got punished. Unchecked behavior as a child continues, doesn't it? Encouraged. If I'm not going to stop it, I'm pretty much encouraging it. Parents teach children a lot by even doing nothing. You can look at people who take other people's lives, serial killers and the S.A. word, and God, I hate that I have to talk like a freaking rape. People that do that to other people and then take their lives, it always starts small, and it starts at small crimes, and when you have that person that eventually got to this point, they often had brushes with the law. They might have gone to jail, imprisoned, but what's interesting is the people that got this far either never got caught or they got caught and never got punished, and the people that get punished, a lot of them stop and say, hey, you know, there's repercussions. I finally learned that I don't want to go back there, and hopefully they don't do it again. Not so much reforming them. I'm not saying no one does. Sure, absolutely, especially young people, especially like in gangs and stuff. They go to prison. They get reformed totally, but in reforming, you don't really change who you are as your brain gets set, and as you get older in adulthood, there's no reform, but that's what it is. It's punishment, and so this behavior can be learned and taught, yes, by a parent, but it can also not be stopped by a parent. There's no repercussions. That's the problem, and you guys have these extreme toxic people in your life, and you're trying to help them be different people, literally be different people, and so you're very patient, and you give lots of chances and stuff like this. They're just not. That's not how their brains are. That's not who they are, and if you want them to really stop, you punish them, right, so just giving them chances and chances. They're definitely going to keep doing it again. Thank you, Dale. Rory from Ohio. Hello, Rory. Thank you so much for answering my question about toxic positivity. You're welcome. I think I got it completely wrong. No, you didn't. As I was thinking, it was more like when I used to share with someone something that my husband had just done, and they would say maybe he just had a bad day or was tired, never acts like that with me, or maybe you expect too much from him, all invalidating me. I know that they were just trying to be helpful, but they weren't. Hope you had the best weekend. Thank you. I did. Hope you did, too. They're trying to be positive. They don't know what to say. They don't know how to help you, and you said it's not helpful. It's invalidating. It's frustrating. Sure, yeah, so being positive all the time doesn't always help, and with trauma, it doesn't, and the last thing, I mean, if I was just positive all the time with my clients, I wouldn't have them all the time, and the reality is life isn't positive all the time, is it, and how we feel is very, very, very important, and emotions don't just go away, so we need to express them. Thanks, Rory. Healing Family from California, hello. Thanks for your awesome thoughts always. Yes, ex-fiance is the father of my children. It's I'm loving that he's staying away. Just want your thoughts because they are the best, and your thoughts and answers have been a part of our healing. I don't even get a penny for our kids. Why do borderlines not care one bit for their children? Well, you know, not being in the child's life doesn't necessarily mean they don't care at all either. I just want to be clear about that, right? There are parents who care about their children and stay out of their children's lives because of how they feel about themselves. Remember I told you, if you kind of shame them, you can you can make that other parent stay away, and I'm not encouraging parental alienation. I'm saying if one parent is so toxic and sick and 40s and not going to change, and all he does is abuse my children, they don't need to be in my children's lives, and one way to stay keep them away from them is shaming, and a very typical pattern that happens, especially with like borderline fathers, all it takes is one major event that they miss, right? Usually like the first birthday, and they miss that. They're most likely not going to come to the second. Why? Because they didn't go to the first. I'm a bad dad, and I'm so bad, and when I think about my child, I just feel so ashamed. There's also, they can't handle stress, relationships, stuff like this. Someone who literally doesn't care about their children, doesn't attach in any way, doesn't bond with them, doesn't emotionally connect with them, okay? Why do borderlines not care one bit for their children? Well, that's a real broad brush statement. There's a lot of borderlines that care about their children, and there's a lot of borderlines that neglect and abuse their children, and neglect, and they still care, and that also doesn't mean that they actually care about the child's well-being and want to be there for their, you know, fulfill all the responsibilities. No, it's just, it's not black or white, and the reason borderlines don't connect, and because they never connected with anybody, their parents didn't emotionally connect with them, and if you don't connect with somebody, if you don't emotionally connect with someone in your childhood, then you never want it. You never do it in adulthood. The only people like us who want it in adulthood is because we emotionally connected with someone in childhood. Now we know we need it, and we want it and seek it again. If we had parents that also did not emotionally connect with us, that's where we find ourselves with toxic borderlines that do not connect with us, but we want it and need it. Obviously, we keep trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, and they don't, and it's just like our parents that we wanted to connect with, and they didn't either, and we accept that, but there is somebody we connected with, so we want it, we seek it. Make some sense? I bet some light bulbs are going off there. So yeah, many different reasons that they don't care for their children, but who knows how much they really care. You know, I bet he cares about all of this and what's going on. Probably some pretty intense emotional shame involved in this guilt and shame. How much he wants to care for the children, I don't, probably not very much. Does that help? Let me know. Thank you. Calm before the storm. Don't know where you're from. I forgot. I know you told me before, but if you don't mind sharing it again, let us know next time. Thanks. David, thank you for answering my questions and the compassion you've shown. My question for this evening, you're welcome. Concerns whether you're aware of the existence of any data that has shown, that has shown if and when borderlines ever gravitate towards those who also have personality disorders to ask, because my ex was with a man for many years who fit the criteria for sociopathy. His behaviors were so awful, and it was one of the things that shadowed my recognition for her BPD. She had obviously traumatized. I saw in her BD how much she experienced trauma in a previous relationship with a man. I'm sorry, I'm mumbling. I'm just, I don't think any of this is very important. Okay, question. You want to know how much do they gravitate towards other people with personality disorders? Immensely. Immensely. You have a borderline, they have this like lifelong best friend they do everything together with. Probably not healthy. Here's the deal. Instead of really crossing the line and the personality disorders, look at everybody that came from neglectful and abusive families. That includes us and them. So how common is it for someone like you and me who are neglected and abused to have personality disorder people in our life? Very common. How common is it for them? Extremely. Birds of a feather flock together, right? Drug addicts. Don't leave, don't get sober. They have low self-esteem and low and massive shame and low self-worth. So we only let them in our life because ours are damaged too, right? Sometimes every once in a while I'll get a person, I've had all these toxic people in my life forever, but no, I have great self-esteem and tons of self-worth. No, you don't. No, you're lacking self-awareness more than anything. Yeah. What do you think? I just wonder if there are examples in literature of anything similar. I don't know. Probably. Pretty intense stuff. If you're a writer, you might write about this stuff. It might even spark you to be a writer. It has me. Yeah. I mean, does that, do you understand that what I'm saying? We date our own emotional self-worth. If I have massive self-worth, low self-esteem problems and stuff, I'm not going to be dating somebody very healthy with high self-esteem and they're not going to date me. Look at the times that the worst toxic person came in your life. Was it an uptime or a downtime? How we feel about ourselves is who we identify with, gravitate towards. So why do I have so many toxic people in my life? Am I toxic? Well, we at least came from the same, similar place. Because I know people that have personality disorders and I had a worse childhood than they did. I never developed a personality disorder. We all have different brains. We all react differently. We all do things about this differently. I worked really hard for the person I am today. I didn't take the easy way out. So did that answer your question? Let me know. Thanks. Rory from Ohio again. Hello, Rory. Could you please talk about being more cynical after this kind of abuse? I can remember in France, having a beautiful dinner by the sea and an older couple walking by holding hands and hugging. My daughter said, oh mom, look, that's so sweet. And I responded by saying, yeah, he's probably married to someone else. Oh, harsh Rory. Do you want to change that? Start. None of that stinking thinking anymore. Stay positive. Now we say, even if we feel that way, we say toxic positivity. But I mean, there's something there maybe we need to address, Rory. But try to not, you know, the more negative we are, the more we're investing in it. Your question is, talk about being cynical after this kind of abuse. Sure, sure. Betrayal is the worst thing ever. What's the first sure way to make sure I'm never betrayed again? Never given someone an opportunity. And the best way for my brain to do that is say everybody's bad. Everybody's bad. What's going on to the world today? Oh my God. The younger generation. These kinds of things are forms of depression. I'm telling you guys, I know you guys are like, I say that, but I'm not depressed. Well, why are you saying it? Why is the world such a bad place? You better include yourself. Because this all pointing fingers out. 99% of the world is awful. Except me. Don't work. Can't everybody say that? When everything's great in your life, we don't feel that way, do we? People are beautiful. People are, oh, look at that beautiful couple. Okay. And Robon Regas, the healing family from California again. When the borderline self-sabotages and abandons us for fearing abandonment, in my case, he told me he was leaving because he felt empty, cold, stressed, confused, scared, lost, like a truck ran over him, et cetera. But then they go straight into the next partner. Are they entering that next relationship feeling the same empty, cold, lost, stressed, et cetera? It's what causes it. How about that? Yeah. Do they get burned if they walk into a fire? That's what causes feelings of emptiness, lost. That is the number one way. End relationships abruptly. Start new ones abruptly. Not healing, not grieving from the last one. Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Because these toxic relationships, both people, who knows how much of a but we both lose a sense of who we are. And then you go right into, I'm telling you, worst thing you can do. Worse than drinking, worse than drugs, probably. Just go right into another relationship. You are screwed. You're lost. You're bringing that right into it anyway. Not going to work. And the only one that person that would date you is toxic. Does that answer your question? Kira Schwartz, new question. Again, Germany, near Cologne. Thank you. Tell us where you are. Why is it that many borderlines live in a marriage or relationship over years before they switch to the dark side and seriously start with duality and discard? I read it so often. Is it stress-related or what other causes could start this? So there's probably many different factors, right? For one, we don't really know what their marriage was like. I don't care what the other person said. I don't care what they said. And I don't care what pictures or letters show. People with personality disorders do not have good relationships. Certainly, if they're abusing you, they didn't have any good relationships before that. I don't give a shit what anybody says. I know what you're saying. The common thing I hear is they're in a marriage for a long, long-ass time. And then after that, it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, people, people, people, two months, one month, three months. I get it. I get it. But you also had someone in that marriage that kept them right there. You take a borderline woman. Well, it's very common that she'll vacillate between a total toxic narcissist that controls them and a total victim that they control. And then they go back to the toxic narcissist who controls them. And then they got a victim that they can control. This relationship will probably last longer because the narcissist doesn't buy into their bullshit. They're not going to reassure them. They're not going to validate them. They're going to get them attached to them and threaten them. So they won't have as many emotional outbursts. They won't accept their total bullshit, their abuse like we did. Typically. So maybe they're married to a narcissistic man and put up with their bullshit for a while, 10 years or whatever. And then they're done with that marriage and they're unstable as shit because they just lost their marriage. They may have just lost their kids, their house income, their massive stress, massively more unstable, total failure. Biggest failure in society almost is divorce, getting fired, which they might have all of that. So yeah, they're just super more unstable and stressed. They're not healing from that loss. And they just try to fill it with new people and then just disaster, disaster, disaster. How's that? Does that work? Does that make more sense? I'll tell you what a borderline or a narcissist didn't do is have a good, nice, long relationship where they're super mellow for 15 years. And then all of a sudden they're a total monster because they got a divorce. Different, sure. But yeah, it's not night and day like that at all. Emily from South Africa, because I know. My psychologist recommended anti-psychotic medication. I don't know if it's a good idea. I can't tell you anything about it. I can't. I'm never going to go against a doctor's diagnosis. That's for sure. I'm sorry to be aware that this causes depression. Diagnosis, medications every day cause depression. Psychotic medications cause depression. Emily, you know, I can tell you that if we want someone to give us the best help that they can, we've got to do everything they tell us to do. If we want that person to be able to give us the best help that they can. That makes sense, right? Do you want me to give you the best help that I can? You know, take my suggestions. Don't not take my suggestions and say I didn't help you, right? You got to give me a chance to give you a chance. I'm not saying to do that. I'm not. Maybe this person isn't the right help. I don't know, Emily. What you can always do is get a second opinion. You can go to another doctor, have them consult with you. And afterwards, after they tell you what they think, you can tell them what your doctor thinks. You don't have to do anything, okay? No pressure, Emily. I'm sorry I can't tell you much more than that. I can't tell you if it's a good idea or to do it or not. If you want this person to give you the best help, you're going to have to do what they say and try it all, all the way. You don't have to keep trying with this person if you don't want to, though. I mean, if you don't want this person to be the person that helps you, you know. But you can always get a second opinion, okay? I'm sorry. Nobody wants to hear something like that. Hi, David. Dan from Dublin, Ireland, again. Hello, Dan. I was just reading an interesting study linking bullying and emotionally unstable borderline. I know you talk a lot about abuse committed by borderlines, but are borderlines more likely to experience bullying due to their lack of boundaries and self-esteem? Yeah. It just seems that this is a vicious cycle where the abused becomes the abuser. It is. There's nobody out there abusing tons of people that was never abused. And abusers, abusees, people who have been abused either heal from it or abuse other people. If they don't heal from it, they're abusing someone. If they're not abusing other people, probably themselves. This is a cycle. Hurt people hurt people. Children who are S.A.I.D. listed, they literally have their power, any power over their own cells and bodies ripped away from them. And 70-something percent go on to do it to children. And I've even heard them say, I felt like I finally got my power back. It's a disgusting cycle, sure is. Can I answer your question? Abuse committed by, yeah, borderlines are bullying, yeah. But don't forget, we're not that different. We came from very similar places and stuff. And we developed some mental illness and they developed some mental illness. And we may have gotten bullied and they got bullied. Totally. Yeah. Not much difference there. Marie Williams, don't know where you're from. Let us know where your locations are. Locations, locations, locations, everyone. Thank you. Hi, David. How can we deal with histrionic personality disorder who we can't get rid of? Well, you don't have to deal with that disorder unless you have it. You mean, how do I deal with a person who has histrionic personality disorder? How do we get rid of them? Very carefully, very assertively. Each scenario is different with each person. Totally different. Very different. We want to end relationships civilly, respectfully, and we want to tell them why and be very honest and give closure. But what if they're totally dangerous, right? What if, what if just calling them means they're going to abuse you on the phone, trigger you and send you into some kind of whatever? So then we can't, right? You have to be careful with histrionics because they are the believable victim, false accuser. They'll say you beat them, touched them, essayed them, all this stuff, just because you ended it. They will be, they can be very dangerous, nasty, very narcissistic histrionics are. And you shutting off that attention, they'll, they'll do some shit. So you gotta be careful. Best advice is, yeah, get away from them physically and then tell them to leave you alone. Might have to get police involved. They don't have much of a life and hate themselves. Don't want to be alone with themselves. You are a source of attention for them that they lost. But maybe you can be more specific, okay? Marie, why don't you ask me something more specific so I can help you better. Thanks. And Mimi Reese, locations, locations, locations. I swear, I think you guys actually watch the videos, right? Don't just ask a question. Mimi says, hi David, you didn't answer my question. Were you talking about Biden and Harris? And, and I'm not going to answer your question. Mimi, you might have great intentions. I don't know, but this is a setup. If you appreciate what I do here, if you get something out of this, please continue. Who cares who I voted for or if I voted at all? Who cares? Does it matter? Would it affect how you look at me and appreciate what I'm doing here? What you get out of it? Would it change that? That's too bad. If it would, there's something wrong there. If it would being, if I voted for one or the other or didn't vote for that to change, you know what I mean? Like there's some people on YouTube I enjoy. I don't want to know. It might ruin it or I just don't care. This is a setup, even if you're not meaning to, like I said, you might be genuine, but I hope whatever you can get from this, from what I do, that you still can continue. And I'm afraid that if I tell you the wrong answer, you might not be able to. So I, I try real hard. I put a lot of work in for years to make sure that this information reaches people that need it. And I'm not going to do something that, that damages that, stops that. You know, you look at other companies. How did, how's that going for Disney? To invite politics? Too bad. They should have kept making movies and TV shows, stayed in their lane, not gotten involved with cultural politics. How's it working for Budweiser? No thanks. Who cares? I don't want to know who you voted for. You can tell me why you want to know. Sure, but we'll just leave politics out of it. Thanks, Minnie. Locations, locations, locations. Guess what, guys? I'm going to ask right now that you guys give the locations. Can you ask a question? I've never asked before for eight years. I'm surprised you don't, oh, this is a good one. I'm going to close this last one. Listen to this haughty behavior right here. I'm surprised you don't see the reason why a wise person would not sign such a petition. Why don't you play devil's advocate and try to construct your own, you own reason for not signing? Okay, smartass. How about this one, since you left it wide open? Because the only thing that's obvious is that you won't sign a petition to stop people attacking others until they take their lives, until they die. Okay. I wrote, sure, because the person who calls himself wise harasses people online until they take their lives. That's the obvious. You left it wide open. Why can't you just tell me you can't sign it? You want to give me shit and you can't tell me why? Because you're so wise and the rest of us who signed it are just so stupid, aren't we? I'd love to hear your simple argument, please, because your opinion really matters. Why didn't you give it? Why just the haughtiness? Why just the attitude? Huh? This is about children killing themselves. Not serious enough for you? Huh? I hope that you're watching this and I hope you feel a little guilty. You should, or there's something wrong. I can send you story after story after story of eight-year-olds, 10-year-olds, 11-year-olds being harassed for weeks and months and years in their personal life and nobody did a thing about it and they did it. They took their lives and you're wise for not signing it, but you won't even give a reason. You're a fucking dumbass. How about that one? You're an idiot. I don't care what your opinion is. It's stupid. You had a chance to leave it and you didn't. Instead, you chose to just be a smartass. I'm impressed. Real impressive, buddy. Thanks. All right, that's it. Thank you, everybody, for your beautiful questions. Let me know what you think of my answers. If I missed your question, I'm very sorry. I'd really appreciate thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. Keep this stuff going. Spread the message. Let it go further and louder so toxic people are called out and stopped. Huh? Remember, there's only one reform that's punishment. Get called out. Punish. Thanks, guys. Love yourself first. Have a beautiful week.