How to NOT Attach & Detach From The Narcissist / Borderline

Hi, everybody. Thank you for joining me for today's video. I'm going to talk about attachment and attachments with toxic people, how not to attach to them, how to attach slower, and how to detach from toxic people, people like narcissists and borderlines, or people like narcissist borderlines. I've made a, I've talked about this a lot. I mean, I've got hundreds of videos and I've definitely covered stuff about attachment. I'm going to give you guys a couple of new suggestions here. So this is something you can do navigating daily with people that you meet. You know, and you're not going to avoid toxic people for the rest of your life. Hopefully, we won't let them in our lives again, our personal lives. This will help. I think that you guys don't pay very much attention to attachment. I don't think you guys even really, I mean, you know, I'm just, I'm assuming this, going by massive, massive experiences. You guys tell me that I've had myself with toxic people, how fast they go, right? How fast we jump right in and boom, boom, boom, boom. And we're in these tumultuous relationships for maybe years with these toxic abusers. So I think the most important thing is the beginning, the attachment process. We need to be aware of what's going on that we will attach to people. I promise you, I can get someone to attach to anybody else I want. You don't have to like them. They can smell bad and you'll still attach to them. Imagine if I put you in a little tiny office where you had to work with someone else that you can't stand. You know, think about it when we're kids, you can't get along with someone, they put you in a room together, right? Or siblings, they force you to get along and eventually you will. If I put you in an office with someone you can't stand and you don't interact with any other employees, no customers, and you work 80, 90 hours a week, you have time to go home, go to bed, come back to work, and that's about it, you will attach to this person eventually and you'll be upset if they drop down, drop dead, have a heart attack, okay? We need to be careful of attachment. It's something we have some control over, we do. And like I said, I've covered a lot of this before. I'm just gonna simply go over some ways that we attach fast and then I'll go over ways that we don't, yeah? But there's something very important to remember. As you meet people, there's two kinds when it comes to relationships, period. There's the people that attach fast and there's the people that attach slowly. What this means is there's people that want short-term relationships and there's people that want long-term relationships, right? I don't care how old you are, we have to assume we have many years left of our life. And so what's the rush, you know? There's more to a relationship than the physical things that we do. Like date and have sex and commit and get married and have children. There's emotional, emotional. And when we do these physical things, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, then what is there left to do? Because these things that we do, these milestones like marriage and children is a development, it's a progressive evolvement of your relationship. You can't do that, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. So that's been our problem, hasn't it? We attach too fast. If you guys took your time to get to know who your toxic abuser was, before you commit, isn't that the idea to take our time? I've gone over values, values have to be the same. And none of you guys, none of you guys dated somebody where values matched. So right there, we need to make sure that our values match, that takes time. Oh, they said this, they said that, they said this. Can I borrow a million dollars? I'll pay you back next week. I said it. But you won't give me money, will you? You won't give me 10 grand, five grand, a grand, thousand dollars, 500, $100. You give me $100, I'll pay you back next week. You probably will. I should know that's a bad example. People want long-term or short-term and they'll show it right away. They'll show it right away. That was a beautiful date, let's go out tomorrow night. And they call you and text you in the morning. Good morning. What are we doing? I don't know you. Attaching to strangers should be scary. It was, you ignored it. You cared more about what you thought about someone than how it made you feel. This made you nervous. This showed your red flags, but I think they're great. The ways that we attach fast, all the things you guys did is things like sex too fast. Come to my house, go to your house. Let's meet my kids. Let me meet your kids. Let's meet my family. Let's text and talk all the time, every day. Good morning, good morning, good morning. Good night, good night, good night. How was your day? Oh, good. Stop communicating only by face-to-face. Text is, I'm running a little late. I'll be there in a few minutes. That's it. That's what a text message is for guys. Not, I love you and I can't wait. What do you want to do? What's our plans for five years and 10 years from now? Oh my God. Did you know that I was traumatized when I was a kid? Text message. And that's another one. We don't talk about trauma. We don't make plans. We don't say, I love you. Even if you feel it, why are you saying it so fast? Jesus, Jesus. And what's more uncomfortable is someone you just met says, I love you. And you're like, what do you do? I love you too. That's what you guys did, isn't it? Tell people everything. Oh, I'm an open book. That is a red flag. Just to let you know, by the way, guys, all of you, because all of you are just so proud to be an open book. That's great. You're all perfect targets for psychopaths. Do you want to change that? Stop telling people shit. Stop with it. If you need to talk about something, about your past, how you feel, go to somebody that you are already familiar with, already committed to, friend, family, lover, and they're not toxic. Your values match. Then you can start telling them. So here is how we attach slowly. Real quick, we do things like, I'm not gonna talk to you for a while. You're not gonna text me. This was a great date. It's Saturday night. Let's go out on two Saturdays, a week from next Saturday. Things like this. And then I talk about power in a relationship. One can't pay for the other, even if you like it, even if you have the money, even if you don't care. You're giving them all the power and people with power are awful, especially toxic. A healthy person wouldn't accept it. It's a good test. Other ways that another person gains powers by being the victim all the time. Poor me, poor me, poor me. You're right. You don't have to do this, what normal people are doing. You don't have to because you're abused. Yeah, it's okay what you just did to me. You were abused. So no accountability, no responsibility. Now here's what I'm trying to get to. Ways that we don't attach to toxic people. Maybe you have a coworker. Maybe there's somebody you have to deal with on a daily basis, every few days. Maybe you have to drop your child off for a toxic family member or the other family. The child's parent's family has to watch them and they're toxic and you have to deal with that still for a while until you get a babysitter. Things like this. You see, you're not gonna avoid toxic people forever. Don't think that. You can keep them out of your life. So toxic people are codependent and that means they're emotionally dependent on you in relationships. Now, there's people who are codependent and they'll just use you for sex and use you for money. I get that, but it's not a real relationship, maybe. In relationships, toxic people are emotionally dependent on you. So it's extremely important to identify how people become emotionally dependent on you. Do they lose their shit all the time in front of you but they don't do it in front of other people? That's emotional dependency. You sit there and take it. Do they always feel bad and sad and they're always calling you and texting you and they're always making them feel better? Do they always have to come and complain to you and you fix things? This is codependency and it's good to identify this because it's good to know how a toxic person is dependent on you. So if you're in a relationship now and you wanna detach from somebody, understand how they're emotionally dependent on you. No emotional reaction. This is how we start to detach and this is how we keep attachment, stop attachment from people. We should go slow anyway. We do not have to emotionally react to other people, by the way. I know you guys are so proud to be empaths. What does that really mean to you? Sociopaths have empathy. So you just have this massive abundance of empathy. You just know how everybody feels and you feel the same with them. Not good, not boundaries, no emotional boundaries. Do you see how someone who's emotionally dependent on others and relies on others all the time, always looking for other people to help them feel better and then you don't do that? When someone tells you about trauma and you just say, I'm sorry, and they tell you something great and you say, that's good, that's it. No emotional reaction. You don't need to say anything else. I used to think that. I used to help customers in my 20s at jobs where I deal with customers a lot and people get intimate, even customers, they'll start telling you about their personal lives and then they'll come in and one just lost their dog and they're crying and I start crying with them. Oh God, that's so sad. And then one's all happy and excited. I get all happy, excited with them. By the end of the day, I'm completely drained. What am I doing? These are strangers. Why do I need to emotionally react to them? And I stopped doing it. Then when people had something horrible in their lives, I don't want to feel that, yuck. I just go, oh man. And don't get me wrong, still today, someone tells you something horrible and my stomach might stink a little bit, but I just say, I'm sorry. I don't want to fix it. I don't need to react for them or with them. That's sympathy. So no emotional reaction. Know who you are. Know these five parts of you, who you are. Need, want, feel, value, and believe. And try not to let people come along and change you. Don't let people come along and tell you what you need or only give you what they think you need. Don't let people tell you, you don't want that, you want this. Don't let people tell you, you don't value this, you value that, right? And don't let people come along and change how you feel and make it feel so easy. Try, try, try to have some, you know, governance over your own emotions. Stop helping people. Stop giving people money. Amazing, huh? I'd be real careful if you don't know them and you like them and you want to start this kind of relationship with them, don't start helping them and doing things for them all the time. Don't we need to do things for ourselves? And if we need help, we go ask for it? You have to ask yourself some of the things you're helping someone with, do most people can do this for themselves? Right? You need to help them get to the doctor, you need to help them pay for it, you need to help them get a job, you need to help them, no, you don't. It's gross. So, here's some of my best advice for this. This is major boundaries, okay? Major, major emotional boundaries. This will help you immensely with people that you just meet, with people that you have new relationships with, and toxic people you want to detach from and not attach to. Only talk about the present. Only talk about the present and pretty much what's in front of you. Talk about your house, talk about, you know, if you're in the house, whatever house you're in, talk about the job that you're at, talk about the weather, talk about what's going on in your city, in your country, in the world. Yeah. Don't talk about the past or the future. Stop. When I tell people this, I cry and I say, well, David, how am I going to get to know someone if I don't know their past? Are we our past? All our failures and mistakes and where we've come from and learned and changed and grow and evolved and developed, aren't we who we are today, not our past? I don't judge people for their past. Do you guys? I hope not. Because whenever you judge other people, you're judging yourself, really. And we all have a past. We all make mistakes and we've all failed, done things that didn't best say who we are. And how do we move on and grow from that if we judge other people for their past? So that's not who they are. Who are they today? That's what's important. Not what happened to them in their childhood. Not what some past boyfriend or girlfriend did to them. And we certainly aren't who we are right now about anything tomorrow or in 10 years or in 20. That's not who we are. We are who we are now. We don't judge people for the past. We hold them accountable for who they show us they are today, right? So stop talking about the past because it's not good with toxic people. It doesn't even matter if they're telling you happy, nice things. Stop talking about their children. Stop talking about when they were children. Stop talking about their family members, their experiences. Who gives a shit? I don't even know you. I don't give a shit what happened to you when you were 14. I don't care. And why are you telling me? That's toxic. Tell a therapist, oh, you're healed from it. Why are you bringing it up? Don't talk about the past. All the great things they did, all of the trauma they've been through, all these fucking people you don't know and you'll never meet and don't care. What is the point? Don't talk about the future. Oh, I want to do this. I wish I could do this. Let's get married. Let's start a business. Let's get a house together. What kind of kids do you want? Do you want boys, girls? How many kids do you want? Fuck, what are we doing? Disgusting. I dated someone years ago and after like two, three months, I ended it and she tried to get me back. Just example. And like in two, three weeks, she says, oh, I want to break up. I'm like, I didn't know we're back together. And she goes, you don't even talk about children, about having children. I said, of course I don't. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't talk about children. I just met you. I just broke up with you a month ago. What are you talking about? You're ending it, because now you're ending it because now you get to say I ended it. Yeah, because you're a fucking narcissist. But what are you talking about? We don't talk about children. That's your excuse for ending a relationship in three months, whatever it was, because we don't talk about children. That's disgusting. Even if you had your own children, I don't want to talk about them either. Why would I? That's how we attach, guys. Talk about the place we're at, talk about the music, talk about the decorations, the decor, the people around us. Isn't there something to talk about with all that? Because if you can't, you've got a real, real shitty personality. You don't have much to offer if you just have to talk about the past all the time. That's called depression, mental illness. Red flag, guys. Red flags. People just keep bringing up the past and want to talk about the future and plan, future faking, future planning. Disgusting. Is there something wrong with where we're at right now and who I am right now that you want to talk about other people and other places and other times? Here, now, me, you. I can't think of a bigger red flag, right? Oh my God, dude, when I was five years old, I was sexually molested. Oh, that's fucking great. I just want to know what you want for dessert. You'll see this, you've seen it. Please share your examples if you can remember the beginnings of your relationships with people you just met and all the shit they tell you about the past and the future. What's wrong with here and now? If I'm sitting with a girl that I just met, a woman, sorry, and I'm taking her out to dinner and she wants to talk about people I don't know and her past and shit, fun. I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't there. I don't know them. That was years ago. What are we doing? How was your dinner? You know, isn't the music lovely? Did you see the waiters, you know, booger hanging out of his nose? Ha, ha, ha, ha. What are we doing? That's it. It's simple. And if you can't, you don't have much to offer anybody, except a past that no one gives a shit about. You think people care about your past? No one does. I don't. I don't want to hear it. You're going to have to pay me to listen. Now, no planning, no trauma, no people we don't know, no events that you weren't at. You know, I mean, for someone to say, I was at ground zero at 9-11. Okay. Please don't start crying and shit. You know, I don't know you, but that's pretty significant. Bring it up. Okay, fine. You know, but just constant. Oh, my dad, hey, my dad and I went to, we went to the zoo once when I was a kid and cut himself. Oh, me and my dad went to the zoo and blah, blah, blah. What are we doing? Who gives a shit? You're going to get to know me about some shit when I was five and you were seven and it doesn't make any sense. I mean, please, please tell me why we would need to. I already brought up the one that I've heard. How do I get to know someone? Get to know them. Stop talking about irrelevant things that happened years ago with somebody else you don't know. All right. What's the advantage of that? Well, David, what if someone tells you they abuse people? Yeah, that's what toxic people do, don't they? They abuse people and then they tell the partner right away, the new partner. Hey, I abuse people, okay? Totally fucked over a lot of people and cheated and lied and I used to beat them. And yeah, that happens, doesn't it? No, we all know what happens. I was a victim. My partner cheated on me and abused me. And if you don't know them, you believe it. Now they're a victim. You trust them. You share your traumas and how we're trauma bonding. That's where it starts. A lot of people think trauma bonds start after massive trauma together. No, we're already traumatized because only two people that can get into a trauma bond have a history of trauma that's unhealed. I don't need to talk about my trauma and I don't want to listen to yours unless you pay me. Therefore, we will not trauma bond. See that? You share your traumas, I share mine and we're forming a trauma bond within hours of meeting each other. And we don't know each other. And there's nothing scarier than attaching to someone you have no idea who they are. Yeah, how would you like to give your baby to a stranger and walk off? That feels good. That's how the beginning of your relationship felt. Did you realize that? Do you remember? Did you ignore it really well to the point where you can't even remember? So I offered some new information. I hope this helps you guys. Let me know what you guys think. Please ask questions and most of all, please share your own experiences. Please, please. You guys really make the videos. Thank you. If you found this beneficial, I appreciate a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. You can hit the notification bell and see the other things I post almost daily. Thank you. Love yourself first, guys. Bye-bye.