The Borderline & Emotional Blackmail

Hi everyone, thanks for joining me for today's video. This video is about borderline personality disorder and the frantic efforts they take to avoid real or perceived abandonment. I have a playlist of borderline personality disorder, many videos there, if you wish to watch more, please do. A diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder is what I just said. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. We know that they can be maybe ruled by that fear of abandonment that they have. We know that borderline personality disorder, adults with this disorder have been victimized and they're not healed and they're still victims. They're in the state of victimhood, okay? Insecurity is what it is, okay? Insecurity, you can never reassure a person who cannot reassure themselves. We have emotional needs, we have to know how to meet those needs for ourself, then we can enter relationships and try to meet them for other people. But if I cannot meet my emotional needs myself, I then become dependent on other people to do that for me, which will never work. Try and try and try and it causes a ton of stress. So, perceived, imagined abandonment, things that will trigger, things you do that can trigger someone with borderline personality disorder and their fear of abandonment. Believe that you are leaving them. Abandonment is leaving forever, forever. Your anger is one of the biggest ones. If you notice borderline personality disorder people, if you have relationships with them, they may not care how you feel too much, but they certainly care about the emotion called anger. Anger means you're done with them, you'll leave them, you don't like them anymore. What anger is, is a very strong and powerful emotion and when directed at something, we tend to get things done. We may get hurt, we may get sad, we may be betrayed, but we're finally angry, that's when I've had enough and that's what they care about. Not so much your feelings, but what you will do. You leaving, not abandoning, just leaving. Going to work, going out, not telling them, not answering your phone, not texting them back quick enough. They can't reassure themselves. Everything's gonna be an object constancy, everything's gonna be okay. They love me, they're gonna come back. If they're not gonna ever come back, I'll still be okay. No, no, it's up to you to do all that for them. You're not doing something in a relationship that's required, you're doing something for them that they have to do themselves. Any kind of communication that stops. You get so angry, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore. Or you give them the cold shoulder silent treatment, which isn't right. Trying to hold them accountable for something they've done, right? They don't like to look at themselves, they don't like to admit what they've done wrong. Some do, some have no problem admitting what they've done wrong, or sometimes. But holding them accountable means they're not good enough and you will leave. All of this means you're leaving, you're abandoning them. Telling them you have a problem in a relationship, telling them you don't like something they do. They can't just go, okay, honey, I won't do that, because they probably can't stop doing that. Self-advancement. Anything you do that advances your own life means it's further away from them, you're abandoning them. I've used this example a lot, because I've experienced it, I've lived it. I have a promotion, I have a raise. Could be just $1, raise. You don't need me anymore. Getting healthy, therapy. And then you have external threats. Borderlines are codependent. They have codependent behaviors, that's all codependency is. And if you have a relationship with them, then you do too. I know it's hard to admit, you don't have to do it. Don't be in a relationship with a codependent, and you won't be one too. You don't get to stay independent with a codependent. No, no, no, no, no. They're dependent on you in this relationship. Real obvious words that someone that's dependent on you will say, I need you, I needed you, I need you to do this, I need you. No, we don't need a particular person. We need society, and we need relationships, and we need our emotional needs met. So some frantic efforts they will take to this perceived advantage. I'm gonna use the term SAD, an acronym. Self-afflicted end-of-life threats. Now, I want you to understand, for those of you who do not understand, who have been abused and victimized, you may not understand or know this, but I'm gonna use the word violins instead of the other one. I can't say that either, I know. We might have to, maybe we should create a new language. What falls under violins? Shouting, yelling, banging on things, and breaking something, throwing something, obviously hitting you or hitting something. Threats, threats. We take threats seriously. If you're not taking a threat serious from somebody, there's a major problem, and you're in danger. I don't care if they mean it or not, they're willing to threaten you. It's wrong, can't happen. We take them seriously. If someone threatens, SAD, self-afflicted, then we call the police. There is no other way to do it, okay? You can't control people, you aren't responsible. How would you like that person to do it? And then the police kind of say, oh, they threatened, why didn't you call us? How would you like that person to be gone forever, because they followed through with it, and you didn't do anything. You just sat there and talked to them. I hope this helps some of you understand, relieves a lot of stress and responsibility and fear. No, it's emotional blackmail. If you leave me, if you go back, if you talk to them, if you don't do this, I'm going to, okay. Here in this country, 911, police. It's a crime. They're threatening to commit a crime, and it's a violence crime. If they're threatening to do it to someone else, wouldn't you call the police? Why not them? If somebody else threatened to take their life, if somebody else threatened to take your borderline girlfriend, boyfriend's life, wouldn't you call the police? Well, then why wouldn't you call it when someone threatens to take their own? I can help them, I can stop them. They told me as long as I don't do this, they won't do it. Oh man, man, okay. They will abandon you. That's one way to deal with your fear of abandonment. Abandon first, abandon ship. You'll hear many borderlines that abandon, why? They were going to leave me. They didn't like me, they don't love me. Self-harm, I'm going to harm myself, I'm going to hurt myself. Self-sabotage, I'm going to sabotage myself. If you have a partner and you guys are on a fixed income or need money and they have a job and they say, I'm going to quit my job. What are you going to do? That'd be a pretty bad place to be in. We're living paycheck to paycheck and you're going to what? You're going to quit your job? Won't really help to just break up with them. You're screwed. I'm going to go get high. I'm going to go relapse. I'm going to go get so drunk. I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to go where I get attention from men. I'm going to go back to my ex-boyfriend. I'm going to go on the dating site where I met you. That's where you meet borderlines. Keep using them. You'll meet more. I'm going to call your job. Get you fired. I'm going to tell them this. I'm going to call your family. Tell them what you're doing to me. I'm going to go public. I'm going to go on social media. I'm going to smear campaign you. They don't say that. They'll say you're smearing them. My friend says, my therapist said, you can't do that, that I should leave you. You're no good, that you're an abuser. You don't love me anymore. You don't care about me anymore. You hate me. And you abused me. You're a narcissist, borderline's favorite. And that leaves you to defend yourself, defend yourself, defend yourself, defend yourself, until you finally do what they wanted you to do. You see, people with borderline personality disorder are very manipulative, especially the ones that say they aren't. I know. You don't have to say that down there in the comments section. I have borderline, I don't manipulate anybody. You're just not aware of it. That's a part of the disorder, exploitation. There's no such thing. Maybe you're not one then. The calling out narcissist, I've been asked recently about that, about why do borderlines, why did my borderline call me a narcissist when I'm sweet and nice, do everything for them, not a narcissist at all. You're going to hear this a lot. I mean, it's one thing to say I think someone is, but to go public and call them out and stuff like that, you're toxic. You're toxic. Anyone that does that, you're toxic, period. Anyone making videos, anyone making posts and calling people narcissists and just saying, instead of saying like narcissist this, general statements, memes, but to specify someone in the world is one, who are you to say that? Pretty entitled, you think your opinion's pretty important. Wham, victimized. They do it because their parents were probably narcissistic. They've been traumatized and abused and they're still a victim. You got to understand, we've all been victimized, yeah? I have, you have, everyone, to some degree. Are you still a victim? No, when did that stop? When they stopped, right? Not with a borderline, no. They're a victim for life and they're constantly re-traumatized by you getting a new job, by you not wanting to text them back for five minutes, for you wanting to go out with your family, for you, trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, and they're stuck in this and there's nothing you can do. They won't do it for themselves, that's the problem. They can, they may not believe so, but they choose not to, okay? And here we are trying to fill that gap of their life, not your life. You have to sacrifice, you have to numb, you have to compromise, accept, agree, and it's all about them. That's why we think they're narcissists because it's all about them, total victimhood. Don't have the time, patience, energy, too much stress to think about you and what you need and what you want. And because I suck, I know you'll leave me. So people with fear of abandonment know exactly why you will abandon them. It's how they feel about themselves. They don't care who you are. I don't care what they say. Argue if you want down below, but they don't care who you are. They're dependent on what you do. They don't care about your needs or what you want. They don't care about your values. They don't value the same thing. They don't care about your feelings because they cause you stress. And when you tell them, they don't care. Yeah, but, only because you didn't do it for me, what about me? What about my feelings? What about how I feel? What about what you did to me? You're causing me stress. If you tell someone that cares about you that you're causing me stress and they don't care, that means they don't care about you. You tell them what you need and they don't care. They don't care about you. If you tell them what you want, they don't care. They don't care about you. If they don't value the same things you value, they don't care about you. If they're arguing about something they want you to do for them, they only care what you are and what you do. It's real easy to tell when they don't emotionally connect with you. If you're not sure, it means you're neglected in childhood. Number one, you can't control people. Can we agree on that? You can't control people. The help word, you know, I just want to help them. No, you want to change them. If you want to help them be somebody else, then you don't like who they are now. And number two, we need to accept who they are. Accept who people are showing you who they are. Not what they're telling you. Not what they promise. Not what their goals are. Not what the therapist said. Who are they today? And we accept that. Okay, but we do not accept toxic, unhealthy, abusive behaviors in our life. If you want to make that a rule. I want to hear your guys' examples of things that you do to cause them to trigger their fear of abandonment, because it's going to help other people watching this video. Read the comments. They're great. And I want to know what are some of the frantic efforts you've seen people take with fear of abandonment. Both of them. Be great to know. Great to hear. I can't cover them all. I can't think of them all. And I leave some of them for you. Let me know what you guys think about this video. Ask me any questions you want. But more importantly, love yourself first. Okay, everyone? I'll see you again. Bye.