When the Narcissistic Relationship Reaches Point of NO RETURN for the Victim

Hi, everybody. Thanks for joining me today. This video is about toxic relationships and when the victim goes past the point of no return. Not sure what I'm going to call this video. The first one I came up with is when the victim of narcissistic abuse has checked out. But it's more than that, what I'm trying to talk about today. We know in a relationship that you have long enough with somebody that you're not having your needs met. That's neglectful. Neglect is abuse, by the way. So in a relationship that's abusive, toxic, whether it's someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or not, what happens is the victim, the target, tends to lose a sense of their self. We know this, yeah? You know this because you're watching this video because you've experienced this. You understand that. Losing a sense of our self. The number one symptom coming out of these relationships is self-doubt. Don't know who we are. Did I do that? Is it me? Am I the bad one? Am I sick? Am I wrong? Did I abuse them? So we lose a sense of our self, but is there a point? Because, again, we can gain our self back. So those of you who have been in narcissistic relationships, been abused, neglected, traumatized, and here you are trying to heal, it's very common for our brains to tell us we can't. We're not going to. That's not true. We can heal from everything. Okay, that does not mean we can fix every mental illness there is. I tell people that a narcissist can heal. I'm not trying to say they can't, but I'm not trying to say that a narcissist can no longer have that disorder by healing. They can still heal from the pain that caused this disorder in their childhood. Doesn't necessarily mean that they don't have the disorder any longer. Okay? So we can heal from this, and we can recover, and we gain our self back. What happens if it's too long? That's what I want to talk about today. What I've noticed is there's a point where someone can't come back, and it tends to be at least 15 to 20 years in a relationship. That's neglectful, abusive, toxic. It tends to be married with children, is what I notice the most. I'll notice that you can really see it in a dad, in a man. They lose themselves to the point where they are absolutely gone, checked out. Many of you have a parent like this. As we know, these relationships are lopsided, especially in the beginning. We will watch this. If you have a parent like this, you've experienced this over many years. There's three elements to this. One is dependency. The victim becomes dependent on the target by a pattern of instability, and then the second part, losing their self, losing a sense of self. They don't get what they need, what they want, and they don't feel good. They lose their values. Opinion means nothing. They lose their self-interest. They don't plan for the future any longer, and they reject their past. The third element is full enmeshment with the toxic person, where now their entire identity is up to the narcissist. They lose self-respect. They lose self-esteem and self-worth, all of it. They need validation and approval and acceptance by the narcissist. Completely losing their self, and their identity is completely based on the other person, decided by them. The false narrative begins. The narcissist is not bad. The narcissist is perfect, and they will project everything they don't like about themselves and can't accept about themselves onto the victim, and the victim accepts it over time. The only job is to support this false narrative. The victim's only role in life now is to keep this false narrative, that the family looks good, successful, smart, and beautiful, except one, the scapegoat. That's the only bad one, and that will be the spouse and a child. The narcissist is the leader. Where's the pants? Completely controlling. This usually is an extremely toxic, controlling narcissist. It could be histrionic and borderline. That's very narcissistic, sociopath, psychopath, for sure. But the narcissist carries, and this person will carry, toxic shame, and will never deal with it, will never look at it, will never accept it, but finds a partner that will. The narcissist can never be called out, can never be held accountable, and never be held responsible. That is all the job of the victim. Everything is the victim's fault. The narcissist is perfect. This is how a narcissist is successful. They have a partner, somebody, that will be all the bad parts of the narcissist, and will not have any of their own parts. Very close and similar to dependent personality disorder. So this begins with no security. Emotional needs are the most important thing in your life. So in a relationship, the most important thing is security, to feel secure. You won't leave me. Then a value is placed on a victim. We don't place values on people. We can value a relationship, but we don't value human beings. Okay? Now the victim has a value placed on them. That value is determined by how well the victim keeps up the false narrative, to the family, and to everyone else outside. I must be of great value to not lose the narcissist. They can no longer reassure themselves and provide security to themselves, and it's 100% dependent on the other person, on the narcissist. And this is because of complete emotional dependency. We know, right? You guys are identifying with this yourself. Say, yeah, that's me. That's the last relationship I was in. But after 10, 15, 20 years, marriage and children, and I know there's some of you like this that are watching, I'm not saying this happened to you. Because I think people that this happens to would never be here, would never be watching this video. Never. Self-care may drop, may decline. Bathing is what I've seen, most common. I've seen toxic narcissists not bathe, take bird baths, and wipe themselves. That's it. But I've seen a lot the victim. Who's completely lost their self and their identity. Do this. The narcissist constantly demeans the victim for their ego. See, the narcissist, you could think of the narcissist as not a full human being, and now they are. Because there's so many facets to us. That's why you guys say, oh, I don't know if they're evil or good. They do evil and good things. Yeah, that's called human beings. We do bad and good things, maybe not necessarily evil. But the narcissist has parts of themselves they cannot accept. They give it to the partner. The partner takes all of that, and then whatever the narcissist does that's good, I mean the victim, the narcissist takes credit for it. We are successful. The victim loses all autonomy, all privacy, all attention. You will see this. What I've seen is, and I've talked to children of these parents when they're adults, not actual children, but they were children of this, and they've seen this, and they describe it to me. I've seen pictures and everything. The father or mother was great in the beginning when you were young. They were involved in your life. They gave you, showered you with attention. They loved you. They protected you. They stuck up for you from the narcissist. And after several years, that stopped. Now dad or mom has just lost themselves. A glazed look, always stressed and worried. What the narcissist will do, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me. And the narcissist will use this and use the other parent to abuse the children, to control the children. Now, the narcissist no longer even has to do this themselves. The partner is the willing. Now dad or mom doesn't care about me. They don't stick up for me. All they care about is don't make mom angry. Don't upset dad. That's all that matters. You don't matter anymore. We know in these relationships that we lose a sense of ourself, that we can lose our life. We can lose relationships. But to watch this happen within a family is insane. And there's a point where mom and dad can't get themselves back. I believe that. I think there's a point where they go so far. They are gone. And the only possibility that can save them, if so, would probably need to be that partner completely leaves them. The narcissist leaves them or passes, gone. And I've seen this and I've seen the victim doesn't recover, doesn't recouper, recuperate, doesn't heal, doesn't accept and face what happened to them, and they continue the narrative until they die, even with the partner gone. No, your mom was great. Come on, don't say that about your mom. And then you're like, well dad, mom's not around anymore. You're gonna live your own life? Oh, no, mom wasn't like that. Just gone. Gone. Dazed. Just, no, no, your mom, I mean just a shell of a human being. Some of you may feel that way, but I'm talking literally, that their sense of self has been gone for so many years. They don't remember. And I mean, they don't remember. You'll see them. They might be a little nostalgic and try to, you know, before they're completely gone, they might, you know, go back to the, bring up some good moment, good time, and you'll see them. You'll see the look in their face and their eyes that that time was so far, far away. It's gone forever. And then eventually they won't even do that anymore. Eventually, they may not even remember. You'll bring it up and they don't even emotionally react to it anymore. They are gone. And you can't save them. We don't save people. That's not somebody that needs to be saved. That's somebody has to save themselves. Not us. We can't. And it can be so damaging afterwards, like if the relationship did end. Finally. And you're the children now, in your 40s, trying to help them. You'll see they aren't doing a very good job taking care of themselves. They may pass soon. Especially men tend to do that. Do you guys, how many of you know what I'm talking about? How many of you seen this in other people? And like again, you know, I'm not talking, I'm probably not talking about you because like I said, I don't think these people are going to go out looking for information, looking for help, watch my videos, hire me as a life coach. Never had someone like that in years. Maybe hundreds of clients that I've had. Never seen one like that. I get lots of clients. I think, you know, 40s or 50s, maybe even 60s is my most biggest age group because that's when, that's what it took, right? That long. That much destruction to finally get help. That's common. I've never seen anybody like this come to me, or in therapy, or do better. I literally think there's a point of no return. And I don't think any of you watching my videos are at that point. I don't want to create more self-doubt in you guys, okay? If you're here, I'm not talking about you. I don't think people like that would ever be here. They're gone. They're gone. And if this is someone you love, man, I never want to tell you like what to do or to get rid of people in your life, but man, just make sure you get everything you need. And if there's something that you still think you need from this person, and you're not going to get it, we need to accept that. And we need to understand what not taking care of mental illness does. Those of you not helping yourself, giving yourself the help that you need, it's damaging. Trust me. It's not just on hold or on pause for whenever you feel like doing it, whenever life is so good that you're now willing to fix mental health or be healthier. Life doesn't get really good with mental illness. Let me know if you guys know anybody like this. And you have somebody like this in your life, I'm very, very, very sorry. Because these tend to be pretty good people at one time in their life. Maybe they're not even bad now. But there's a certain accountability, guys, in a partnership. When one person's bad, failed all the time, there's a certain time where both people are responsible. And especially when both people had children. Okay? If you have a parent standing by, watching the other parent abuse, children abuse you, not doing anything, not standing up to them, not saying anything, it just continues, then they're both responsible. Period. Okay, for those of you who are mothers, you understand, right? How long can you just watch your husband just beat your children and not step in? And not call the police one time, right? I mean, there's some fault there, isn't there? I think that we need to realize that. That when somebody is too far gone, we can't change them. We can't help them. We need to help and save ourselves. And we're not going to get what we never got from that parent. Or we got a sniff of it 25 years ago. Okay? Let me know what you guys think of this video. Let me know if you know anybody like this. Maybe one of your parents. Again, I'm sorry if you do. Save yourself. Okay? And always love yourself first, guys. Okay? See you again later. If you like this video, thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, share it. You can find me at DavidDeMars.com. Thanks. Bye.