Six Signs of a Covert Narcissistic Father

Hello, I'm Garmagee and the topic for today comes from a question asking if I would outline some of the common signs, characteristics and traits of a covert narcissistic father. With narcissism what we often see is a huge sense of entitlement to being highly disagreeable. There is a constant need for attention and validation as well as a lack of empathy for other people. With narcissism what we often think of is arrogance, dominance and haughty behaviour and this would be true in the case of grandiose narcissism. But covert narcissism is different. We still see grandiosity, but it's all internalised. They believe that they are misunderstood, undervalued, put upon, they've been treated unfairly by the world and they tend to live a life of unfulfillment. They can also be highly sensitive to anything they consider to be criticism and these characteristics would be long term, consistent, persistent, pervasive, not just once in a while if you will. They're like a default setting. So some common signs of a covert narcissistic father would be first of all emotional distance. Now when the kids are small, when they're very young he can be great fun, he could be very attentive. But as they begin to grow, develop their own personalities they might need more than just fun and games. They might need more nurturing, guidance, more interaction. But he might be too busy. People with strong narcissistic traits tend to struggle with emotional closeness, which is why they often only really have surface level relationships and superficial interactions. So when the kids want him, when they need him, he has his own projects, his own worries, he has other responsibilities and not much time. Now even if he is just really watching television or scrolling through social media. Now that being said, in front of other people, in front of his kids friends, he could well be the best dad ever. He's great fun and he's attentive. It's behind closed doors he can seem disinterested and self focused. But anything he does do, well he needs praise and gratitude from the kids, from the partner, sometimes even from society at large. Now as the kids grow older they might come to him for advice or guidance or tell him about difficulties they're experiencing. Narcissistic people tend to struggle with empathy, so he might not want to know about difficult feelings or experiences. He might not understand why they're having problems, he might not know how to help. So instead he just gives superficial advice, maybe a line he heard in a movie or a television show that sounds inspirational. Or he might make up a story about how clever and brave he was when dealing with the same situation many years ago. Secondly, he uses good intentions as a way to control the kids, regardless of what age they are. Now yes he may have more experience, he may have more wisdom, but he's not necessarily offering advice or guidance. He tries to control them, their relationships, their choices, even their finances, but he'll say he's only really looking out for them. He knows best. Now if the kids question him or disagree with him, say maybe they've made their mind up, he may react as if he's being attacked personally. Number three, there's passive aggression. Now unlike a grandiose narcissist who could be overly domineering and bullying, a covert narcissist often uses unkind humour, sarcasm and guilt-tripping to have his little digs at both the kids and his partner. When it comes to both discipline and positive reinforcement, he can be inconsistent. What was fine one day is a red line the next. What was worthy of attention one day is ignored the next. Now it could be just depending on his mood, perhaps other things have his attention, or it could be just whatever gives him an easy life. Perhaps as long as the kids don't cause him grief, he won't cause them any. Now he might become angry at times, but not necessarily aggressive or violent. Rather than communicate his thoughts, his feelings, he just goes into a huff. So he guilt trips, behaves as if he's exasperated, he's just given up on a lost cause, and he withdraws. He might even express disgust. He shows the kids that they are a huge disappointment to him, especially after all that he has done for them. And as they're growing up, maybe they don't comply as easily, maybe they question more. So he might ignore them, give them the silent treatment, but show a lot of attention, affection and pride to one of the other kids, as a means of punishment. Next there are a lot of tall tales. A covert narcissistic father might lack assertiveness, even with his partner, but he tells the kids of how brave he is, how one day he maybe took on ten guys and he was the last man standing. So the kids might hear a lot of tales of bravado and heroism, but never really see any actions to back it up. The kids might even see him buckle under pressure from the partner or from other adults, whenever he's confronted. They might hear stories of how he perhaps could have been a famous sports star but hadn't have been for some terrible injury, or how he could have been a successful millionaire if the universe hadn't conspired against him. Covert narcissists tend to live a life of unfulfillment, but it's never got anything to do with their lack of effort, their lack of competency, or even their self-sabotaging behaviour. Being in a constant state of strain or victimhood is one of the ways they receive attention and sympathy from others, usually referred to as narcissistic supply. Next, the kids see a lot of self-pity and a lot of feeling unappreciated. For instance, their mother might be constantly at him to do something, maybe just pick up after himself or maybe complete a job he's left half-finished for months, but he whines to them about how mean and controlling she is. Nothing I ever do is right, there is no pleasing your mother. He is unappreciated and put upon. He may even blame the kids for his actions or indeed lack of them. So the children grow up seeing him making excuses rather than to give an account of himself. They see him blame-shift rather than accept any personal responsibility. They see him collapse into a heap whenever he gets called out. So the kids might try to do things to reassure him to lift his mood. If you will, they end up parenting him. And as the children grow up, become adults, they might not understand why they have little patience or respect for him. Next, as is common with all forms of narcissism, he might try and control and manipulate others including the children by exploiting their fear of what he thinks of them, what their mother thinks of them, what other people think of them, and he exploits their conscience. Anything that gives him leverage. Even when the children are grown up they may hear things like you're supposed to honour your parents. As if honouring means you're supposed to obey everything he says. Those adult children might hear things like, after all I've done for you, your grandad would be spinning in his grave, your mother will be so disappointed. Or, do those people in that workplace of yours know how you treat your own father? He might even play the sympathy card. You don't know how long I've got left. And he's maybe 45. So in summary, a covert narcissistic father can still be controlling and manipulative, but not necessarily in an overtly bullying and domineering way. He still has a huge sense of entitlement, but he behaves as if the world, his partner, the kids have all treated him unfairly. They have taken something from him. He can treat his children as if they owe him somehow. And in many cases children can feel as if it's their responsibility to make his life easier. Depending on where he is on that narcissistic spectrum, he might sabotage his own kids just to keep them in the same state of strain as he is. Or he might take the credit for their success, even though he had precious little to do with it. In some cases, he might just not care enough to even notice. They're just not on his radar. So there are just some of the common signs of a covert narcissistic father. And as I said, these things will be persistent and pervasive, not just occasionally. But if there's anything I've missed, anything you might like to add, please use the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations stored from these videos. But if you found this video interesting, please consider subscribing to my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching.