Ten Signs of Covert Narcissism

Hello I'm Darren Magee and the topic for today's video comes from questions asking what are the common signs of vulnerable narcissism, sometimes referred to as covert narcissism. Now grandiose narcissism, sometimes referred to as overt narcissism, is usually easier to spot. What we often see there is domineering behaviour, there's arrogance, a sense of superiority, there's haughty behaviour and being highly resistant to criticism. Vulnerable narcissism however is not always that easy to spot, at least not at first, which is why it's sometimes referred to as covert narcissism. It's more under the radar. With vulnerable narcissism, what we often see is someone who's maybe quite self-deprecating, they're insecure and they're hyper sensitive to criticism. But regardless of how the narcissism presents, what we often see is a huge sense of entitlement, there's being disagreeable, a constant need for validation and attention and lacking empathy for others. Vulnerable narcissism can be mistaken as introversion, shyness or anxiety and indeed they can feel and experience those things. There can be mixed feelings around seeking attention, the attention they desperately crave. They are excited by positive feedback, admiration and sympathy but they are also highly sensitive to negative feedback and rejection. So the following behaviours would be long term and pervasive, not just once in a while. And although many of the characteristics are similar to what we see with grandiose narcissism, how they present is different. So firstly, vulnerable narcissists tend to live a life of unfulfillment, constant strain and negative emotion. They often highlight their pain and their difficulties. Their issues are far worse and much more important than anyone else's. They experience a lot of negativity in their lives and exaggerate that negativity for either attention or to avoid responsibility. We often see self-sabotaging behaviours. Now there can be a need to be rescued but every solution that's offered will have a problem. Every goal will have an insurmountable obstacle. They also tend to sabotage those closest to them as well, just to keep them under a state of strain also. Secondly, they can be both controlling and devaluing in their relationships. Vulnerable narcissists tend to seek out relationships where they will be constantly admired, idolised but also rescued. They tend to live in a state of helplessness. They can make their partner feel special in order to get what they want but that changes very quickly once the relationship is established. They demand love, respect and constant reassurance but they don't reciprocate. They control their partners through guilt-tripping and shaming. They claim they are the ones who are neglected and abused if the partner doesn't give them what they want. Thirdly, they can feel uncomfortable in or avoid situations that are either unfamiliar to them or they feel they lack control. They can swing between feeling superior and inadequate very quickly so tend to avoid situations or people where they might feel inadequate. Their opinion of themselves can be shattered quite easily so if anyone else shows confidence, autonomy or receives positive regard from others, that can trigger a sense of inferiority and envy in them which is why we often see devaluing and self-sabotaging behaviour towards their partners, their colleagues, sometimes even their own children. Number four is blame-shifting and shaming. Now a common behaviour with narcissism is not accepting any responsibility for their own actions. They tend to project blame onto others to shift the attention away from themselves onto something or someone else. That shifts the focus of the conversation, it shifts the focus of the issue at hand. Grandiose narcissists can't be quite outspoken whenever they're projecting they may for example appear righteously indignant. With vulnerable narcissism we see different strategies. They can be quite measured, maybe even gentle as they explain why something is your fault or they could feign confusion, not understand what the problem is or indeed why it is a problem. Their victims can become exasperated, frustrated as they try to explain what is usually a quite simple concept or they can become upset, pretend that they are the victim, they are being bullied. The actual victim now feels shame over having raised the issue in the first place and having caused upset. Many times they often end up apologising. This works for the vulnerable narcissist in the sense that they receive reassurance, they also get off the hook and often just go back to doing the same things again. Number five is being highly sensitive to criticism. Now even though they may be sarcastic themselves or dismissive themselves, they can feel humiliated by any kind of feedback that doesn't validate or reassure their version of themselves. You might just see low mood, depression or just wanting the world to end. Even constructive criticism can be crushing. Narcissists tend to have a fragile sense of themselves and need others to validate and to praise them just to reinforce their sense of self-importance. Any kind of criticism can feel humiliating or even a disagreement over something trivial can feel like a crushing defeat for a vulnerable narcissist. They might become sullen. Vulnerable narcissists can come across as if they're perfectionists but what they really want is for things to work out the way they want them to. They want things to happen the way they imagine. They can become angry even if plans change suddenly. They can experience a low mood, a sense of defeat if things don't work out the way they had wanted and they rarely do. For instance they could start a new job, it is the ideal job and they're really enjoying it so long as they're new they're the center of attention. But if they start getting negative feedback they might feel as if they're being bullied or their partners might be the most amazing person in the world but it's not long before they are a disappointment for not being the version of them that they had created in their head. Number six is low self-confidence and low self-esteem. Vulnerable narcissists have a lot of insecurities. Unlike grandiose narcissists they can be quite self deprecating but usually only to a select audience that they know are going to rally around to support and to reassure them. Again unlike a grandiose narcissist they don't exaggerate their contribution to something. Instead they will exaggerate what they had to sacrifice or what a struggle it was for them. They present dilemmas to other people, things they're struggling with, terrible things that have happened to them and present terrible illnesses and injuries. They feed off the sympathy, the positive affirmation and the compliments and it's often hidden behind false humility. Number seven is a quiet sense of superiority. Now they might appear reserved, measured, even guarded. They can intellectualize or moralize to others but this is often to hide their own flaws and their own weaknesses. Because despite that sense of superiority, vulnerable narcissists actually feel inadequate whenever they compare themselves to others and this brings up intense envy. They can be envious of how others look, their jobs, their status, their confidence, even their happiness. Others don't deserve those things, they do. In friendships, relationships, families, if they can't have what you have, they don't want you to have it either. Now whenever they're envious, grandiose narcissists can openly verbalize their anger. Covert narcissists tend to be a bit more measured. They wait for their chance. What we often see there is resentment and a seething rage. Which leads me on to number eight, passive aggressiveness. Vulnerable narcissists don't necessarily like confrontation. They often communicate through third parties, a form of triangulation and they often imply rather than threaten or they use sarcasm, veiled humor, give backhanded compliments such as that would look good on you if you were a bit taller or that will look good on you whenever you lose some weight. They're also known for playing the victim and to guilt trip others rather than just talk about what's really going on. They punish by withdrawing, giving the silent treatment. They abuse through neglect, deliberately withholding things like information, resources, attention. In workplaces they might use the rules to control and manipulate. Number nine is vindictiveness. Narcissists are very easily wounded and this can lead to what's referred to as narcissistic rage. Now that wound could be something like somebody got a promotion that they felt they deserved or someone received more praise than they did or maybe someone has dumped them. They might not necessarily say anything at the time but this will fester away at them. Narcissists tend to have a long memory. They want to get some kind of revenge and even though with vulnerable narcissists that revenge might be more passive aggressive such as gossip, character assassination. There could be anonymous online stalking and harassment. They can still be quite hostile and sadistic. In fact recent research suggests that vulnerable narcissists are more prone to shame and rage than their grandiose counterparts. But what we often see is that vindictiveness is hidden behind a sense of injustice. And number 10 they can show empathy but it is a self-serving entity. They can show care and compassion towards others but it's only really for their own gain for their own reputation. They can be very helpful towards others but it's only for approval and admiration to boost their self-esteem and their self-importance. Now indicators of this could be how they might hang around after an event waiting to be praised by as many people as possible or watching how bitter and resentful they become if they don't get the praise they feel they deserve. They can abandon an act of charity at the drop of a hat if they feel they're not going to get the admiration they crave. Sometimes they might even claim they're just too nice. Others take advantage of them. But the biggest indicator I think of the self-serving empathy is regardless of how caring, selfless and compassionate they might claim to be. Hidden behind closed doors at home there are partners, there are kids, people in their lives. Their lives are in misery. They are abused and they are neglected. So that's 10 signs of vulnerable or covert narcissism. There are plenty more so as always anything I've missed please feel free to use the comment box below. Again there are some interesting conversations started around these videos. But if you find this interesting please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time thanks for watching.