What Happens When a Narcissist Can't Control Someone?

Hello I'm Darren Magee and the topic for today comes from a few questions I've had asking how do narcissistic people react whenever they meet someone they can't control, someone who won't be manipulated. So today I'm going to outline just some common situations in which a narcissist might feel a lack of control and some of the common ways in which they might react. And the following would apply to a narcissistic person in a new situation, environment or a new relationship as opposed to them having control and losing it. So if you find this video interesting please consider subscribing to my channel. So to begin with at the very core of narcissism lies a very fragile and false sense of self. There is also a huge sense of entitlement. They believe themselves to be superior, gifted, unique and believe they deserve to be seen this way by other people as well. They also believe they are entitled to special treatment. So getting what they want from others validates their sense of self. But in order to get what they want from others this often involves manipulation, coercion, bullying, guilt-tripping and so on. When they don't get what they want, when others don't see them the way they demand to be seen, well this challenges their sense of self and their need for control. That fragile sense of self feels threatened. So some situations in which a narcissistic person might feel a lack of control would be firstly their usual tactics don't work. Maybe the other person is open to listening, open to reasoning, even compromising but they will not be coerced, manipulated, bullied or guilt-tripped into compliance. Or they might want information about someone but no one will give it to them nor will they pass on messages or listen to gossip. In other words they will not be recruited as Or they could be dating someone and that person will not make them the only priority in their lives. They intend to go on seeing their friends and still seeing their family. They will not drop everything at a moment's notice just for them. Another example could be whenever someone states their boundaries but also makes it clear the consequences of crossing those boundaries and sticks to it. When that narcissistic person is moaning, complaining about how badly they're being treated, it might just be pointed out to them that they are actually just facing the consequences for their own actions that they were warned about probably more than once. In fact other people might even be pointing out to them that they are in fact responsible for their own undoing. Lastly, a narcissistic person might feel a lack of control whenever their target does not react the way they want them to, the way they expect them to, regardless of whatever buttons are being pushed. Their target is not flattered, embarrassed, doesn't become angry, doesn't become aggressive. The threats go nowhere, the gas lighting doesn't work, straw man arguments are shut down immediately and no matter what they try their target remains calm, assertive, concise and focused. So there are just some situations in which a narcissist might feel a lack of control. So how might they react? Well first of all the most obvious one is they just walk away. Many narcissistic people often view other people as either of some value to them or they're worthless. So if no one is interested in their stories, no one is impressed, people don't drop everything just for them. Maybe they just walk away, they go elsewhere. Because narcissistic people require a constant supply of attention and admiration, if they can't get that in one area from one person they might seek alternative sources of narcissistic supply. They'll go look for other people who are perhaps more easily manipulated. They begin dating someone and that person does not make them the only focus of their lives, does not idealize them enough. They might just end that relationship, they might say something to their partner like well you're just not as invested in this as I am and they just move on. But if they can't or won't move on for whatever reason, well they might just temporarily retreat or withdraw from the situation. There can be different reasons for a brief tactical withdrawal. They could be feeling shame and embarrassment over their perceived failure at not being able to maintain that facade of superiority. Or it could be just to reassess their approach and come back with different tactics. Or it could be they go looking for vulnerabilities in someone to try to exploit them in order to be able to manipulate. Remember many narcissists have had a lifetime to learn and fine-tune ways to manipulate others and they can't be resourceful in their pursuit of control. If one approach doesn't work they may adapt trying different tactics such as guilt tripping, playing the victim, using charm, good humor, even generosity. As we've often said it's worth discerning the difference between the change in a person and the change in their tactics. There's some narcissistic people where they might become more persistent and escalate their efforts whenever they encounter resistance. Sometimes this is more than just a challenge to them, their whole sense of self is at stake. They might become more aggressive and resort to more extreme tactics. Which leads me on to the second one. They might try to punish someone for not complying or colluding with them. For instance they might withhold something that somebody else wants as some kind of leverage but can't feel it a bit of a loss that person isn't bothered. Or they might use the silent treatment as some kind of punishment or manipulation but again can't feel frustrated if the other person either doesn't notice or pay attention to it. They might resort to threats but again that other person might not be that easily intimidated. Thirdly, the narcissistic person can't control someone. They might project. Narcissists often accuse others of doing the very things they do themselves. So they might accuse that person of being selfish, of not caring, lacking empathy. They might even accuse them of being controlling and manipulative. In fact they might even accuse that other person of being the narcissist. When someone resists or indeed escapes a narcissist control they typically launch a smear campaign. They spread lies, rumours, negative information to try to damage their target's reputation and to isolate them from others. But the things they accuse the target of are more often than not the very things they did themselves. Next, narcissistic people thrive on controlling and manipulating others in order to meet their own needs. So if they can't find a way to do so they can become frustrated and agitated. They see it as a challenge to their perceived superiority and might become angry, hostile or aggressive. They might lash out verbally, make threats, become vindictive, sometimes even resort to physical intimidation in extreme cases. Next, they can't get what they want. They might believe that they are being treated unfairly. So maybe they become the wounded hero making demands from the position of victimhood. All they want is fairness. However that fairness usually involves everybody else giving them what they demand. They might even bring other people into the situation to triangulate and manipulate the dynamics. They might seek validation and support from others to undermine someone else's authenticity or to create division. It's often known as divide and conquer. But their target can't feel under pressure from more than one source. Number six, when a narcissist faces repeated failures at attempting to control or dominate others, it can lead to a sense of powerlessness and this is in stark contrast to their usual grandiosity and entitlement. This can trigger feelings of depression and anxiety. Their already low and fragile self-esteem can plummet even further leading to feelings of worthlessness and despair. It can lead to a narcissistic collapse and I've made a video on narcissistic collapses previously if you want to watch that for more detail. But this can look sometimes like a shame based depression. And lastly number seven and this really depends on where someone is on that narcissistic spectrum. But being unable to control others, not getting the validation and the admiration that they want and feeling that threat to their fragile sense of self, well that can lead some narcissists to actually do a little bit of introspection. They might question their behavior and the impact it has on others as well as the impact it has on themselves. They'll actually begin to think that it's actually okay just to be a part of something they don't need to own and control everything. Sadly though with narcissism this realization is typically short-lived. Remember that very fragile and that very false sense of self. Narcissistic people generally don't like having to look at themselves. So they might become more determined to try to regain control and domination over those who resisted them. They might intensify their manipulation or try to seek revenge against the perceived threat to their self-esteem. Here we sometimes see their vindictive side. So to summarize, narcissists often seek to control and manipulate others to satisfy their own needs for admiration, validation and power. When they encounter resistance or are unable to control someone their reactions can vary. They think sometimes in many cases their need for control is often an indicator that they need others more than others need them. And the very things that they do to try to gain control tends to be the very things that push others away. Ultimately narcissism tends to be self-destructive. And I think the key to being the person who can't be controlled by a narcissist is perhaps to be the very thing that they are not. If you've ever been in a situation, an environment or a relationship with a narcissist you may have noticed that other people's authenticity is one of the things they target. But when it comes to genuine, self-aware, authentic people they tend to fail every time. So if anyone's interested in learning a little more about authenticity and how it can be effective against the manipulation of narcissistic people please let me know in the comment box below. But there are just some of the common reactions narcissistic people experience whenever they can't control someone. But as always if there's anything I haven't added, anything I've missed out, please feel free to use the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations starting these videos. But if you find this video interesting, if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching.