Why Narcissists are so Disagreeable

Hello, I'm Darren again. This is the first in a series looking at some of the common characteristics and traits of narcissism and looking at some of the motivations behind their behaviour. Now some of the common characteristics of narcissism include a sense of entitlement, there's a lack of empathy for others, there's an inflated sense of superiority and being highly resistant to criticism. There is also, which is the topic for today, being highly disagreeable. Now being disagreeable is not just about being argumentative, although that is one of the ways in which it can manifest. Many people with deeply ingrained narcissistic traits can come across as being obstinate, unmovable and frustratingly stubborn. The disagreeableness can be over almost anything, from opinions, suggestions, offers, pleas for help, even resolutions to difficulties. There's always a problem, always an issue, always an objection. And the constant disagreeableness can be exhausting for those closest to them, whether that's at home, at work, in the community, even on social media. But narcissists possess an exaggerated sense of self-worth and tend to view themselves as superior to others in various aspects of life. This can manifest as an entitlement to special treatment, an expectation of admiration and they can be dismissive towards others with differing opinions. Such behaviours contribute to their disagreeable nature. They often belittle and demean others who do not align with their inflated self-image. So today I'm going to outline some of the common examples of how narcissistic people can be disagreeable in different situations and in different relationships and I'm going to look at some of the reasons why. So some of the ways in which the disagreeableness can manifest can be first of all, by choosing an option that either isn't available or hasn't been offered. For instance, if you offer tea, they might ask for coffee. If you were to offer tea or coffee, they might ask for a glass of water. And this isn't necessarily about just expressing a preference. One of the reasons behind this could be to accept something that has been offered might feel as if they are empowering someone. And remember, sometimes they believe themselves to be special and entitled and they like giving other people what to do. Secondly, if they do have to ask for something, maybe they need assistance with something and they can't get it by manipulating or by bullying, even if their request is quite reasonable. When they ask, it can seem as if they're defeated someone. They might even ask through clenched teeth. Again, remember the sense of superiority. Narcissists struggle with humility. Asking somebody for something is acknowledging their competency and their skill set. Asking for something might mean having to acknowledge they're not as powerful or superior as they think they are. Next, some narcissistic people like to stick to rules. In fact, they often use them to control and to bully others. But sometimes narcissists might behave as if the rules don't apply to them. They think they're above the rules, the rules are unfair or they know a better way. And sometimes this can be the anti-social side of them coming out. The end justifies the means. But there can also be an impulsive side. They just act on whatever they think is a good idea in their head at that moment. They'll take the credit if it works out, but they will blame others if it feels miserable. We also see double standards here. They're an exception because they're special, but everybody else has to follow the rules, have to follow the procedures. In workplaces, a narcissistic manager might create an environment where staff not only fear making mistakes, but also fear making a good job in case the manager feels threatened somehow. They're unhelpful, unsupportive and overly critical, so the staff learn not to approach them. This gives them a sense of power and control. Now, a narcissistic person at a junior level in the workplace, well, they may be asked to do a particular task. Maybe they spend all day doing something else, something they consider to be of much more value, not actually related to their job. But when challenged, they might claim that they're being bullied. They might take out Another example of narcissistic disagreeableness is refusing every request. The curious thing is they might not necessarily have a problem helping, it's just the fact that they have been asked. They might not necessarily give an outright no, but they can create obstacles, problems and issues to avoid having to comply. For instance, if the partner asks for help with perhaps a chore or a They might respond with things like, well, what about ownership? Or is that not your responsibility? Or there could be excuses about them being too tired or too busy. In some cases, they might even actually claim they're helping someone by allowing them to struggle alone. Maybe it builds character or something. But they can also refuse things that might actually be in their own best interest. This is one of the behaviors that can really confuse and frustrate the hell out of the people For instance, if the narcissistic person were to say they maybe want or need something or, you know, for instance, they need a new coat. Well, if the partner were to say, well, it is your birthday next week, if you want to go and pick a coat, I'll pay for it and that'll be my birthday present to you. Well, it could be a sincere offer and coming from a good place. But the narcissist might refuse the offer, say no, buy me perfume or aftershave instead. Everything has to be on their terms. Many narcissistic people in relationships struggle with their partner's autonomy. Next would be objections to any kind of ideas or suggestions, or at least they might try to change something or add something just to feel as if they've contributed something or maybe feel as if they own it. Now, an example would be a place I worked in many years ago. It had a lot of different projects and a lot of different areas. And one time we were all in a meeting discussing the best way of getting information about a new service out to all of the staff in the different areas. What we decided is we would send out an email to all staff. We would make sure that managers talked about it in their team meetings and we'd put posters and leaflets in all of the staff rooms and the different projects. But there was one person who kept finding obstacles and difficulties to all of the suggestions. What if someone doesn't check their emails regularly? What if someone is on leave or off ill the day the staff meeting takes place? But in the end, her only contribution was to insist that the posters in all of the staff rooms had blue drawing pins because they were corporate colors. She even joked after the meeting, she had to find something. Another example of being disagreeable is how they never back down in arguments or disagreements. Some cases they actually brag about that as if that's some kind of admirable quality. In many cases though, it really just makes them look ridiculous and difficult to interact with. For instance, even if there is hard fact evidence against their position, they keep on arguing. If they can't attack any of the points being raised, they attack the person. They'll attack their history, their physical features, their qualities, whatever they think will discredit that person in order to So it's really got nothing to do with debate or resolution or even just learning anything new. It's about getting the other person to back down, to silence them. It's just about winning. People with very deeply ingrained narcissistic traits tend to lack insight. What they don't realize is getting the last word doesn't mean they're right or that they've won. More often than not, it just means they got the other person to shut up. Sometimes they'll even induce arguments just to feed off the drama and to frustrate others with nonsensical logic and circular reasoning. But when it comes to arguments, there are times when maybe their sense of entitlement, superiority is challenged. They might become angry. They could explode with rage or they might just see with bitterness and resentment waiting for the opportunity to strike back. This is often referred to as narcissistic rage. When their ego has been wounded, they can find it difficult to Some cases when experiencing narcissistic rage, there's no backing down or no apology from their opponent is ever going to be enough. That doesn't alleviate the narcissistic wound they feel and they can become quite antagonistic, vitriolic, vindictive, even aggressive. Lastly, whatever solution is offered, there will always be more false found just to keep the issue going. Every silver lining will have a cloud. Every goal will have obstacles and every solution will have a problem. With grandiose narcissism, it could be because they didn't think of it. With vulnerable narcissism, well, it keeps them in a state of helplessness. They reject any idea or support that might actually help. So in conclusion, what's going on with narcissists and disagreeableness? Well, they object to and reject anything that might challenge their fragile sense of self, whether that's their sense of superiority, their entitlement or whatever. The deeply ingrained traits such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, their constant need for validation and evading accountability can result in behaviors that disrupt harmony. They strain relationships and create an atmosphere of conflict. Also, they like everything to be on their terms. Narcissists don't really take well the vulnerability. In fact, they often exploit it in If they were to back down or to apologize or to accept an error or accept reality even, sometimes even just to accept that other people can be more competent than them in some areas, well, that might bring up a sense of fallibility in them, which they reject. Any resolution to an issue that doesn't involve total victory for them might also be rejected. Both parties winning might feel as if they've had to concede something. And compromise can be like failure. So they disagree, object and reject anything that might challenge their fragile sense of self and to give them a sense of control. Lastly, a narcissistic person I once knew many years ago shared with me that doing something that they were asked or accepting an offer sometimes feels as if the other person is inflicting their will on them. And to acknowledge someone else's qualities or abilities would be like giving them power. So that's a brief outline of the disagreeable nature of narcissism. Now, as always, there are many examples I could have added, please feel free to use the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations stored from these videos. But if you find this video interesting, please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.