Mother love vs. father love: understanding their strengths and liabilities

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is mother love versus father love. A lot of the issues that people face in their adult lives stem from failures in their childhood environments. And in my experience, these issues tend to look a little different depending on whether they originated in the failure or absence of the mother or of the father. So today I want to talk a little bit about this idea that mother love might somehow be different and distinct from father love and vice versa. Let's start with mother love. Mother love in its ideal state is probably the closest thing to unconditional love that you can find between two human beings. That child grew and developed inside the mother's own body and was nourished and maintained by that mother for some time afterwards. It's really a flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood kind of a thing. And I think that when a woman goes through that process and puts all that time and effort and care into forming the physical structure of a human being and delivering it into the world and nourishing it with her own milk and bonding with it at such an intimate level and over such a prolonged period of time, then she often cultivates a kind of unconditional positive regard for that child. This regard is similar to the balanced positive regard that healthy, high-functioning people feel about themselves. Like these people might fail, they might make mistakes, but that doesn't mean that they beat themselves up about it or talk down to themselves as a result. And I think these two things, mother love and healthy self-regard, are related to each other. Like when children receive this unconditional positive regard from their mothers, it allows them to feel, irrespective of their status or achievements, that they are good enough and therefore are assured of some measure of comfort and security and provision. On the other hand, when this doesn't happen, when there is no mother in the picture or when the mother is corrupted on some level, then the child can develop a mommy wound. The essence of a mommy wound is the deep and pervasive feeling that one does not deserve to exist. Abandoned either physically or emotionally by their mothers, such people have no safe haven either in the world or in their own minds. They must atone for the sin of being unlovable by their own mothers. This is why those with mommy wounds so often turn into people pleasers. They are trying to be sufficiently acceptable to merit receiving from others what they were never given by their mothers. These folks tend to be agreeable pushovers who have a knack for choosing partners who do not really love them and so often end up feeling hurt and betrayed by others after all they did for them. They don't understand why, despite all their efforts, they never seem to feel at home anywhere not in their minds, not in their bodies, and not in their relationships. But here's the thing, even in an ideal situation, even if they had a perfect mother who infused them with that unconditional positive regard, this can still create issues for people. This is because, while it might be important for children to feel that regard at certain stages of their development, no adult is entitled to that and no adult receives it. Expecting that kind of unconditional positive regard as an adult is functionally akin to moving through the world as a narcissistic child. And this is where daddy comes into the picture. If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. Father love is conditional, or at any rate more conditional than the positive regard children receive from their mothers under ideal conditions. As men, fathers are more likely to understand that people are entitled to nothing in this life. Life isn't always fair, at least not in the way that most people think about fairness. There is inequality and preference and scarcity in specifics. Not everybody wins. Not everybody lives happily ever after. A decent adulthood requires the willingness and ability to successfully compete in the game of life. The key to competing successfully in life, no matter the endeavor, is some level of skillfulness or mastery. People vary significantly in this regard. Like a child could finger paint a mess of primary colors and mom would still put it on the fridge with much oohing and aahing. On the other hand, dad might think, well this is some bullshit, and tell the kid there's some room to improve. Like you might want to work on your form there, junior. This is because father love strategically withholds approval in order not to gaslight the child into the false belief that his ---- don't stink. When it's done well, father love kind of serves as an analog for the larger society, the world that ostensibly the parents are preparing the child to enter. By making his praise and approval contingent, father love can not only contribute to the development of mastery, but also to the cultivation of discipline. Raising children without discipline is actually a form of abuse, as it functionally ensures an adulthood of failure, conflict, and unhappy relationships. As children age, the consequences inside the house must increasingly approximate the consequences outside of it. And providing unconditional positive regard to young people, irrespective of what they do or don't do, ill-prepares them for life. This is why mother love is more important in the first half of childhood, and father love is more important in the second. It must be safe to fall if children are to learn to walk. However, it must be unsafe to fail if children are to learn to succeed. By serving as representatives of the outside world, where there are winners and losers, fathers prepare children to compete successfully in that outside world after they leave the house. And hopefully they don't come back. Like no parent wants to welcome their adult child back into the house after an unsuccessful launch. However, when this doesn't happen, when there is no father in the picture, or when the father is corrupted on some level, then the child can develop a daddy wound. The essence of a daddy wound is the deep and pervasive feeling that one is a failure. When corrupted, father love can be punitive, sadistic, or even tyrannical. Such children are never praised or acknowledged despite their efforts, or even their legitimate accomplishments. This can cultivate a profound experience of hopelessness and despair, since no matter what they do, it's apparently never good enough. This causes some folks to become mired in various forms of self-sabotage, and others to become villainous in their rebellion against all kinds of authority and order. However, in most cases, those with daddy wounds are motivated by an unrelenting avarice. For money. For success. For achievement. For recognition. For praise. For attention. When they're famous, or rich, or powerful, they believe they will have finally earned the father love they were once denied. Ultimately, it doesn't work that way in reality, however, as people can't solve internal problems with external solutions. That said, even in an ideal situation, even if they had a perfect father who appropriately titrated his praise and acknowledgment to achievement, this can still create issues for people. In the absence of the unconditional positive regard of mother love, children can grow up thinking that everything must be earned and transacted, even things like love and friendship that are impossible to earn or transact. Ultimately, both wounds lead to similar outcomes, high levels of anxiety and depression, which in turn can be masked or numbed with addictions and distractions of all kinds. And of course, such folks almost always have difficult, conflictual, or unsatisfying relationships, at least while their wounds remain unhealed. And while it is possible to heal these wounds, it can take a good deal of time and effort to do so. However, I can assure you, it is worth it. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below, and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message, as it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. And anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.