The Second Hand Narcissist: Vicarious Narcissism

Hello everyone, I'm Darren again. Today's topic is looking at vicarious narcissism. Now this is a psychological phenomenon commonly seen in narcissistic families, cults, ideological movements, sometimes even workplaces, and it is something that can spread very quickly on social media. I will add the research I've looked at in the description of this video if you'd like more information. But narcissistic people tend to have a high level of self-delusion. They believe themselves to be superior and special. They have an inflated sense of self-importance, but they need others to constantly validate this fantasy version of themselves because usually there's little to nothing to back it up. Vicarious narcissism differs in the sense that their superiority and entitlement doesn't just come from them believing themselves to be special, but rather they get to feel special, powerful, important, or whatever through their association with something or someone else. Their self-worth is entirely dependent on the status, the achievements, or the public image of someone else. That could be maybe a parent, a sibling, or perhaps a cult leader. But it's someone or something they perceive to be or have been led to believe is superior, noble, righteous, or maybe has all the answers. And unlike what you'd see with narcissistic personality where they constantly seek admiration for themselves, with vicarious narcissism it's like they bask in the glory, the success, and the power of someone else, either that or maybe their perceived superiority of a group. So it's not about the individual as such, rather they get their supply through being a part of something bigger or serving someone else's ego. But it's really an unhealthy dynamic where someone only really feels good about themselves whenever others admire or are in awe of the person they follow or the group they belong to. They become enmeshed, they abandon their own ideas, their own goals to support, praise, and bolster up someone else's ego for their own sense of importance and belonging. Now as much as it can be a form of self-delusion, it can also be an insidious form of manipulation by narcissistic people in positions of power and responsibility. Narcissistic people can foster vicarious narcissism through a process known as conditioning. It's like you're special because of your association with me or when I'm powerful you're powerful, if they hurt me they hurt you and so on. And this conditioning generally takes place through a series of both positive and negative reinforcement in people and groups that narcissistic people dominate. Now in the context of a narcissistic family, vicarious narcissism can take root whenever the parents place a child's worth in the family's social status. So they might push the child to be a high achiever, that could be through sports, some kind of performance, or academics, or maybe they get them to become part of some kind of group. It gains the family attention and admiration from wider society. Perfect parents have perfect children, so they coach the child to do and say the right things that gains them admiration. They don't see the child as an individual but rather as an extension of themselves and they put pressure on the child to fulfill their need for some kind of status. So the child might only feel special whenever the parent is pleased. They feel chosen, they feel loved but not realizing that this is all about the parents, not them. Some might even grow up neglecting their own needs and identities. Even as adults, any decisions they make are based on how the parents might feel or how they might look. Another aspect could be whenever the family has a chosen one, a golden child. So they learn to bask in the golden child's glory but never to outshine them, so they play down their own qualities, achievements, and skills. They'll brag about their golden child's sibling only to receive validation through second-hand glory. Now in cults, leaders often exhibit narcissistic, sometimes even psychopathic traits and qualities. But the members view the cult leader as a superior figure who maybe has all the answers. They might even see the cult as a good thing doing good things and by aligning with the leader's ideas and vision, it's like their life gains meaning. And some members might not only gain a sense of purpose and belonging, but some members might even gain a sense of power. Narcissistic people often create a them-and-us mentality and this can foster a sense of importance, victimhood, or some kind of moral superiority within the group. And all of the members validate each other. The members can feel a sense of importance through their allegiance to the leader's brilliance, virtue, and power. So the vision and the doctrine of the cult becomes their vision, their doctrine. The leader's success is their success. If the leader is being attacked, they are being attacked. So their sense of self is tied to the perceived greatness of the leader and the collective identity. But again, often at the expense of their own individuality. Now some ideologies can also foster vicarious narcissism and on social media we can see this on a grand scale. Some follow the group, they follow the narrative, because maybe it gives them a sense of power, belonging, or identity that they might feel they lack. The movement's visibility, success, the narrative becomes their own. So their identity becomes intertwined with the collective even though belonging to the collective often involves losing sight of personal values, sometimes even losing sight of reality. But if the ideology is criticized, well it can feel like a personal attack on them at their very core. They derive their self-esteem, their purpose, and their sense of self from believing in something that they think makes them unique, special, chosen, or superior. And as I mentioned previously, they all tend to validate each other. Now with social media, other believers, the members, whatever, well they could be complete strangers, maybe live on opposite sides of the planet, but they all believe the same things, hold the same values, dress the same way, even repeat the same slogans. And they can exhibit a fierce loyalty to each other and their belief system if one of them is criticized. Again to criticize one of them might feel like a personal attack on them. And what we commonly see is like a mob mentality. They will all pile on whoever was doing the criticizing. Now one of the whistleblowers from the Nixxiom cult, Mark Vicente, has mentioned many times how he has noticed that not only in Nixxiom but in other cults and cult-like movements, whenever the leader was exposed as maybe a con artist or a criminal, there were those who would remain loyal even if that leader was found guilty in a court of law. Some of the followers refused to accept the facts. Now the same could be said for ideologies which are proven to be nonsense or maybe when a narcissistic family is being seen just as flawed as any other family. But there can be a myriad of reasons for the loyalty or the unwillingness to let go of the belief system. One of those reasons is vicarious narcissism and there can be different aspects to this. Firstly, if the person they followed was a fraud or everything they believed was false, then that would mean that they were wrong and this could cause cognitive dissonance. So the truth is rejected. To lose what they believed to find them could be crushing and one of the ways they protect their sense of self and reject reality is to maybe claim there's been some kind of conspiracy against them, maybe against their beloved leader. Those who exposed the leader or pointed out the flaws in their beliefs must have ulterior motives. As I said previously, families, cults, ideologies, any system that's being dominated by narcissistic people often has a them and us mentality. Outsiders are the enemy so the seeds of this line of defense are already planted. Also, narcissistic people tend to see the world in a low resolution, all or nothing kind of way. So if they felt special by being associated with someone or something, then rather than accept that they were wrong, had been conned or lied to or whatever, they double down, they dig their heels in, they might even go on the attack. Accepting they believed a lie would be difficult enough for anyone but for a narcissistic person it would bring up too much shame so it's everyone else who is lying. They are being persecuted, there is a plot against them or their leader is a misunderstood martyr. Now another aspect could be how they may have had a sense of power and importance and they don't want to lose that. If the leader has been caught doing something wrong, well the whole group could collapse and they might view that as their position, their status being taken away from them unfairly. They derive their whole sense of self-worth from someone or something else. To lose that would be crushing. There can also be, just generally, the rejection of reality. With their maladaptive defence mechanisms, it's like they cannot hold in their head, even for a moment, the thought of any wrongdoing or anything bad having taken place by someone else, someone that they followed, someone that they worshipped, because that might reflect on their sense of themselves. Again, it could cause cognitive dissonance and would bring up too much shame. So the facts, the reality is rejected in favour of a narrative that suits them. Next, in cults, families, ideologies, we commonly see what's known as intellectual homogeneity and this refers to a group exhibiting a lack of diversity in terms of perspectives, thoughts, ideas or beliefs. In other words, groupthink. They all think, act, speak, sometimes even dress the same way and no one questions anything. Those who do are seen as the But this can limit intellectual and cognitive reasoning. It can limit creativity and critical thinking and can lead to a stagnation in growth and learning. People just repeat phrases and slogans they've picked up or have been taught, but they can't really fully explain what those phrases mean whenever they're challenged. So to summarise, with vicarious narcissism, we can see the same kind of behaviours and characteristics that we would see with The difference being this isn't due to their sense of themselves, but rather through their connection with someone else, some group or some belief system that they believe makes them special and important. And it happens whenever someone derives their sense of self-worth not through their own qualities and accomplishments, but from their perceived status, achievements or beliefs of others. It's an unhealthy kind of dependency where someone's It usually involves them sacrificing their individuality, their independence, critical thinking for an illusion of superiority, greatness or importance. And the consequences can be devastating for a person whenever that house of cards they're dependent on comes crashing down. Breaking free can take time, work and being honest with yourself. But that's whenever people can reclaim their authenticity, their autonomy and their integrity. Now, as always, there is a lot I could have covered in this topic. If there's anything I've missed, anything you might like to add, please feel free to use the comments section or some interesting conversations start from these videos. But I do hope you found this topic to be interesting. And if you did, please consider subscribing to my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching.