Secondary supply in narcissistic friendships

Hi everyone, I'm Petra, life coach and advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. So, thank you again for all your emails, for supporting this channel, for being so lovingly communicating with me online on the support group here on YouTube. Wherever the communication comes in, I appreciate all of the emails you send and the messages you send, so thank you once again. What often comes in is questions about narcissistic friendships, toxic friendships, borderline friendships, bipolar friendships. I'm just going to stick to narcissistic friendships and toxic friendships. I don't want to get into the whole scale of personality disorders, that is not what this channel is about, so I'm just going to stick to the topics that I have information on, that I know about, that I have experienced myself. So, this often comes in is to make more videos on narcissistic friendships and I do agree because it is something that is not very often discussed and it is a huge problem because very many of us deal with toxic friendships. These friends are very obnoxious, maybe very loud, maybe always playing the victim. There's something going on and we just tend to stick to these friendships because we feel that we need to help them out, we need to save them from themselves. Whatever your motive may be, we tend to stick to these relationships a lot longer than we need to, than is healthy to. So, oftentimes in narcissistic friendships you will be a secondary supply. And just to verify those two, you have primary supply and you have secondary supply. And the primary supply provides all of the attention that the narcissist craves. So, this is usually the case when you are the spouse of a narcissistic man or woman, if you are their children, if they happen to have close ties with their family dynamic, then that is the primary supply. But the secondary supply comes usually from the friend and it is when you supply them with attention on a regular basis, so not all of the time. And the fact that you supply them with secondary supply helps them to maintain a seemingly normal existence. And now I know this was true for me because the four women that I was in friendship with all had partners. I'm just trying to think back. Yes, they all had spouses or boyfriends or partners and that was their primary supply source. Whereas, you know, when I entered those friendships, I would be targeted, of course, and emotionally abused, but not to the full extent. This only came later when there was a break with one of the friendships. She left her boyfriend or the relationship was broken up. And this is when then the cravings had to be fulfilled by me in this case. So, you will notice the difference there. If they are already receiving primary supply, then you will always be secondary. So, the thing is that the narcissistic friend interprets her emotions or her needs as emotions. So, usually the narcissistic friend, the woman, is very needy, is oftentimes plays the victim, is always looking to get that hit, is always looking to be the center of attention, always wants all the focus put onto her. And she interprets these needs as emotions, which also then you are fooled into believing that she is a very open and transparent person, that she's very vulnerable, that she opens up her heart space and talks about the stuff she's going through, the problems she's having, and this will be done ad nauseam. But this is the way you are fooled to believe that you are dealing with someone who is just going through a difficult time in their life and who needs to express their emotions. But these are not real emotions. These are needs. This is what the narcissistic friend needs is for you to fill them up all the time. This is why they are called energy vampires, because you are always feeding into them, you get the feeling that you are being drained of all your energy, being drained of all your resources. This is where the PTSD sometimes, you know, in some cases, this is where it comes in, where you just feel emotionally drained, you cannot function as a mother, as a father, you know, you cannot function in the workplace. This has got to do with the fact that they completely drain you and it has nothing to do with being vulnerable. It's simply because they have a craving, an emptiness inside them. They have very many narcissistic injuries that need to be taken care of by you. So again, you will be fooled to think that she truly cares about you, talking about the narcissistic friend at this moment. But she really gets off on being the centre of attention in her own fantasy world. You know, this is what was true for me, this is what I experienced in the four friendships that I was in, is that there is always, they had these huge fantasies about fame, about money, about taking their businesses to an extreme level where there would be an abundance of money, for example, that there would be fame involved. And with all respect, I mean, very hardworking women, but sometimes you need to realise that the kind of business that you're in and the kind of work you're doing does not equal having an exorbitant amount of money and hugely famous. It does not include all of that. But this was the fantasy and the fantasy takes away from the reality and takes away from the focus on the job at the time. So you will see that this is very often the case with female narcissistic friendships, is that they just have these outrageous fantasies. And not only about the business, it could be about a relationship, it could be about marrying into money, it could be about meeting up with a millionaire. And you know, this is something that I only realised when I came out of these friendships, is that it was all about trying to get somewhere, trying to get someone else with a lot of money. It was all money-related. Trying to score a man, trying to reel in a man who had huge amounts of money. And you will often find that when these female narcissists do manage to lure a man, a very affluent man, into a relationship, that they will bleed him dry, so to speak. They will make sure that all his money is used up, and when that money gets finished, they will discard him. So this is something that I notice as well, especially with two of them. A very, very twisted way of relating to someone. Not a solid and not a healthy foundation for getting involved with someone. If your focus is all based on money and being affluent, and that this man can provide you with all material goods, I don't believe that is right. I believe that the foundation of a healthy relationship has a totally different definition. So this is something that is also a red flag. When you realise that your narcissistic female friend is very much focused on material things, and very much focused on money, that's a huge flag. These narcissistic women call themselves friends, but they really do not understand the meaning or the definition of a friendship. Now, I believe that in a healthy friendship, it's a give-and-take situation. You respect each other, you respect each other's boundaries, you listen to the other person, you listen to them in return. There's courage involved, there's affection, there's love, there's all of these great ingredients that go into building a real and healthy and solid friendship. And this is something that a narcissistic friend does not even know of. They have no clue as to what a healthy friendship looks like. So don't be fooled. When they play the victim, when they are showing you their needs as opposed to their emotions, this is all to get secondary supply from you. It has nothing to do with a real and solid friendship. And this was something that I also realised in these friendships that I went through, is that there was very little give. There was a lot of taking, but very little giving. Especially, again, with regards to finances. This was a huge one for me, is that it seemed as if the situation was always created where I would be the one forking out the money, I would be the one picking up the tab, I would be the one investing, even if it was small amounts, investing in one of the friend's businesses. And there was very little, in fact, there was nothing given in return. And, you know, in the beginning you can write it off as, well, they're going through a difficult financial time, maybe, but when there's a pattern that forms there, you know, this is another huge red flag. What I also noticed with narcissistic friendships is that they usually, these women, have had a very bad relationship with their mother, a broken relationship. Maybe they were abandoned at a young age, maybe there just wasn't a great interaction or, you know, there was no connection between them and their mother. This is something that I did notice. And you will find that when this happens, when you come to the knowledge, when it is brought to your knowledge, that their relationships with their mothers were not healthy at all, then you will find, you know, what happens to a child who has not been given unconditional love and attention from the mother, this is just talking about the women now, is that they will have to do everything as a child, it's a mechanism they learn, is that they will have to do a whole bunch of crazy things in order to get the attention from the mother. So what do they then create within themselves is a lot of resentment, which of course is normal for any child. But this same resentment then at a later age turns into envy and jealousy. And you will find that these friends are very envious of, you know, your career, your job, the clothes you wear, the way you look, the way you interact with others. So whatever achievements that you have accomplished in your life, this is something that will be the cause for them of great envy and jealousy. And this all stems from their childhood, by them having a very disconnected relationship with their mother. So the envy is then born, and this envy is then projected onto you, where you will second guess yourself. You will think, well, maybe I shouldn't highlight all of my achievements. Maybe I should sort of downplay my role in this friendship. Maybe I shouldn't talk about my great relationship. Maybe I shouldn't speak of the great relationship that I have with my parents, or with my children. So this is where you get to the point, because you feel, and it is also demonstrated to you, that there is a lot of jealousy and envy going on, you will then start to feel a certain level of shame, and you will start to downplay everything about yourself. Again, this was true for me. I remember when I came out of the last narcissistic friendship, there was another friend, a healthy friend, who said to me, we noticed throughout that friendship that your light was becoming more dim over time. You were dimming your light, you were taking the back seat, you were not as outgoing as you used to be. And this friend also said, and we noticed it on social media as well, you know, if there was a picture taken of the two of you, you would sort of be in the background, she would be in the foreground, not literally, but just the energy that we showed in photographs, that it was very real, and it was, you know, people recognized it, those from the outside looking in. So, very much envy there. And this is something, you know, that a lot of us take on as our own. We take on the guilt, we take on the shame, we try to make the friendship work. When you get to realize that it is all projection on the part of the narcissistic female friend, everything that she, that all the emptiness that she feels inside is being projected onto you. And this is why you get to the point that you feel empty, you feel that you are worthless. You start walking on eggshells, you get maybe even panic attacks when you have set up a date with her, a meeting with her, and you're going to visit, or you've, you know, you've arranged to meet up somewhere, you will feel the anxiety and maybe even the panic. And this is something that we question throughout the friendships. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm not doing enough, maybe I'm not being enough, maybe I need to dim my light so that she can feel better. Just realize that these narcissistic women are all about maintaining their fantasy world, all about showing to the outside world that they can have a normal existence when they are involved with someone else, when they are in a relationship. And this is where it seems normal to the outside world. This was, sorry, I've just lost my train of thought there. Ah, got it again. So, this was true for me as well, is that in one of these narcissistic friendships, this person became involved with someone later on into our friendship. And the script was sort of flipped around, where I was then no longer primary supply, thank goodness. I was secondary. So on a regular basis, I would top up her cup, so to speak. And at some point, her partner and I got into a discussion about what we had noticed in the relationship with her. And we sort of, we had noticed the same things. But I had also, I came to the realization that some of the stuff that he was telling about my friend, about his girlfriend, was way over the top. And I didn't believe him in the beginning, because I thought, well, that's not how I perceive her. That's not how I see her. Yes, I've experienced very many strange things with her, and very, very hurtful things with her, but not to the extreme that you are explaining to me. So this, again, this is what I later learned, is that he, at that point, was the primary supply for her. So she turned up the heat when in relationship with him. And I was then put on the back burner, and I could top her up every now and then. So this is the dynamic, you know, when the primary supply goes, new supplies moved in, secondary supplies moved in. And another thing is that the other friends that narcissistic women have, they call them friends, but really they are acquaintances, whom they keep around to also top up, top up their plate, fill up their cup, whatever, however way you wish to describe that. They are kept around to just give toppings ups, topping ups. Sorry. So that is what they are kept for. These are acquaintances. These are not real friends. And usually you'll find with these acquaintances that they are very submissive. They will give in to all the demands, all the cravings of the narcissist. And they are kept as, you know, as little slaves, little minions to do the narcissist's dirty work. But just know that a narcissistic friend is never capable of maintaining any kind of healthy relationship. Not with their children, not with their family members, not with their spouses, and not with you as a friend. It is all just temporary. And it comes to a point where someone wakes up to it, someone becomes conscious of the dynamics of these toxic relationships and friendships. And that is when we either discard them or we will be discarded when we are not giving enough supply. So, you know, I know oftentimes I've heard, and this was the case for me, I've heard that people have said, well, the narcissistic friend in my life had a great or has a great relationship with her child or with her children. Yes, this may be true. But this is the act that they give. This is them playing this fantastic role for the outside world because really they view their children as extensions of themselves. So the children are not even treated well. So it is really impossible to maintain any kind of normalcy in a narcissistic friendship. And the best way to leave those friendships is to just give a response by being silent. Silence is a very powerful response. I made the mistake of ending the friendship by way of email, by explaining myself, by defending myself. Now, in hindsight, I would have done it differently. I would have just given her the cold shoulder and just let the friendship sort of, you know, run its own course and it would have ended eventually. But I was very clear about that I wanted to end the friendship, very clear about that. And sometimes that works. It made me feel good. I felt better by just stating very clearly that I wanted to end the friendship because of the way I was being treated. But I understand that very many of you are in the and you really are not sure how to get out. If anything, I would give the advice to say stop defending yourself, verbally defending yourself. When you are then attacked again, when envy is thrown at you, jealousy, whatever the case may be, the best response is silence and just let that friendship sort of fall apart organically. And yes, block them. Remove them from your social media. Block their numbers in your phones. You know, if you're not working together, for example, if there is nothing that is tying you together, just block them and refuse to engage them. That would be my advice to you. It's a lot easier to break up a narcissistic friendship than it is to break up a narcissistic relationship. So, I hope that has shed some light on some of your questions. Thank you again for the emails and keep them coming. And I cannot reply to everyone nowadays. There are just too many emails that come in, so I cannot reply to every single one of you. But what I will try to do is the questions that you sometimes send me in emails, I will try and answer them by way of a video. So, for now, take care of yourselves and love to all of you. Speak to you all very soon. Bye now.