Narcissists & Borderlines Have Perfect Childhoods?

Hello, everybody. Welcome to this week's question answer video. Happy Monday. Hope everyone's holidays went well. It's over now, at least if it was bad. Bad or lonely or stressful. It's over. Next year will be better if you make it. If this year went okay, if nothing horrible happened, then next year will be better in your head. Okay. 2025, it's a new year. Time to close the chapter on the old one. Let me fix my camera here. Next year is, you know, what you make it. Commit to something, invest in it, hopefully in yourself. So I answer questions every single Monday, and I encourage all of you, please, to go down below and ask anything you want. All I ask is you leave your locations, and I would hope that you will please support my petition I started, Stop Narcissistic Online Bullying. There's links right down below in the comment section and the description box. Just follow it, check it, say I support it. Everyone in the world, please. Thank you. So let's get into the questions. Joy from Kentucky. Hello, Joy. First off, I just want to thank you. You give incredible advice, and I really appreciate it. Thank you. Here's the deal. My ex only has four hours of visitation a week. It was 32 hours, but the courts cut them. He's homeless, had his car repossessed, working for now. I'm raising our son alone while dealing with my own health problems. Therapy is in place for both of us, and there's also a DVD or a DVO and an ongoing negligence case. He'll be served with divorce papers on January 10th at our next court date. If you were in my shoes, what would your parenting schedule look like? He also has a history of abandoning his older child years ago for another woman. I actually got her to talk to him again for four years, and I regret it. I want to do everything I possibly can to keep my three-year-old son safe from abuse. Trauma bonds suck. Thank you so much for all you do. Thank you, Joy. I don't know if I understand. What are you asking me? What would my parenting schedule look like? I think this is what you're asking. You know, the court's going to determine how many hours a week, right? And what usually tends to work out the best first is you communicate only through a parent app application that's made just for this, so that he doesn't have a route, a way to get to you anytime he wants through text messages, phone calls, and this way it's always documented. Okay, only when you look at the app will they be there. And the other thing is try to do a pick up, you know, instead of exchanging this child face-to-face, you can do things like drop. You take your child to school in the morning, and he picks her up, or I don't know if you said daughter. I'm sorry. I think so, your child. He picks up the child after school. You never see him. When he's done, he drops the child off at school, you know, two days, three days later, whatever that is, Monday, and you pick them up after school. This way you don't have to see him, communicate with him. I think that's what you're asking because it's so stressful to deal with him. He says the trauma bond sucks. Don't want to see him. Don't want to deal with him. You have to, court ordered. But there's ways to do it like that. If you have more specific questions, there's something, if I'm misunderstanding your question, will you please ask me again? Thank you. Good luck, Joy. And... John from South Brazil. Hello, John. In one of your Q&As, you said, some people require more reassurance than others. Fair enough. But how to discern a toxic borderline who's always insecure and require constant reassurance from someone who's normal, but also require more than usual reassurance? Thank you. Your videos have helped me getting through a BPD breakout. Thanks for telling me, John. Good question. So, some people require more reassurance than others. And we're not, before we even get to borderline, some people don't require much reassurance. They're more secure. None of this is really wrong or bad or unhealthy. It's just the way we are. It's like attachment styles. Some people like to reassure their partner often. I do. I enjoy it. Not only do I, I don't really need as much reassurance, really. I just like to give it. It feels good to really make my partner and my friends feel so secure that I love them. I'll always be there for them. I'll always have their back. Things like this feels good. Some people don't want to as much, and so this is compatibility, right? If you have someone that always needs reassurance and you get sick of doing it, maybe you guys aren't very compatible. Yeah, but when you start getting into borderline, okay, well, let me, let me just say this, actually. If someone's requiring too much reassurance from you, and you don't want to give that much, it's uncomfortable. Okay, and that's boundaries. It's uncomfortable, and we tell them, and we try to see what we're going to do about it and work it out. Some maybe meet in the middle, but I'm not telling anybody to agree to something they don't want to agree to. Maybe your partner requires too much that you want to give, and that's a problem. and so when you get into some of the BPD, they require too much for anyone, and the problem is, is you can't reassure someone that, that can't reassure themselves, and without diving super far into it, I'm just going to tell you, without trying to make sense of it all, is our biggest emotional need is security, and parents need to reassure the child all the time, unconditionally, no matter what, and that child then learns to reassure themselves, offer themselves security, and then they're ready, and only then are they ready to start new relationships with people where they can make them feel secure, and that person can make them feel secure. It's because they can make themselves feel secure in their life themselves. They just need you to do it in the relationship only. Okay, but a borderline, parents never reassured them. They can't reassure themselves at all, and they cannot enter new relationships. They can't, a borderline can't reassure someone else. Typically, most can't reassure someone else in a relationship. They're too unstable, and this person can't reassure a borderline enough because they can't reassure themselves first. Okay, so you're never going to be able to offer emotional security to someone with borderline personality disorder enough. Never. If you do for a moment, one minute later, let me know what you think, John. Thanks. Rory from Ohio. Hello, Rory. In your video, 12 Signs the Narcissist Borderline Does Not Love You, you mentioned number four, indifference. I got that for so long from him that I eventually felt the same way towards him. Will you talk more about indifference? Yeah, and I remember you asked about this before. I wrote that here. Here's some synonyms. It's a lack of interest or concern. It can be used to describe a person's attitude towards a particular matter or situation or relationship. Synonyms for indifference include apathy, casualness, complacence, disinterestedness, disregard. Your heart's just not in it anymore, right? If parents don't teach us to protect ourselves, that means we have stress and we don't eliminate it or get away from it. That's all we can do. We can't live with stress. And so we have a stressful relationship where we don't leave. And if we're not going to leave, we start doing all kinds of things. We might abuse them back. We might start dissociating. We might just start losing interest in life altogether and just be complacent. Okay, whatever. I don't care anymore. Because we don't know what to do. We gave up. We didn't have a good enough role model in our parents for good healthy relationships, how to protect ourselves, how to give ourselves what we need, how to communicate better. So if we feel trapped, we can't make trauma stop. We can't make it stop. We can't get away from it. We'll react all kinds of different ways. Indifference is one. Thanks, Rory. Oh, here, hold on. I got ahead of myself. Mary, don't know where you're from. Let us know next time, please. Thank you. Hi, Debbie. Do you think people with traits of ADHD and autism and BPD and histrionic personality disorder is down to CPTSD? Or do you think it could be down to genetics links? I had traits of BPD and histrionic and now the traits sort of went away by itself in my late 20s or 30s. Now my stress responses are not as up and down as it used to be when I was younger. My life changed when I realized I had to get validation from myself rather than looking for attention. That's awesome, Marie, and this is common. Maybe you had traits, but not the disorder, so they did go away on their own. You know, some people say even borderline that a lot of people can have borderline at a young age and they kind of grow out of it. I don't know anything about that, but that makes sense. Yeah, especially if you don't have the disorder. You know, these are spectral disorders. It's a spectrum we could all be on. We might all have a trait or two of it, you know. We're not perfect. Yeah, none of us. It's when these traits become very negative effects in our life that it becomes a disorder. You were able to manage when you had this, and now it's gone. You've learned, like you said, to, um, what'd you say? Your life changed when you realized you had to get validation from yourself. You started validating yourself rather than looking, seeking attention from others. So, um, these other things, does it come down to CPTSD? No. Does it come down to stress and trauma? Maybe. You know, you put a lot of them in there together. BPD and histrionic, we know, come from neglect, abuse, and trauma in childhood. ADHD, we definitely know that that comes from neglect in childhood. Autism, we don't know yet. What's up with that? Okay. It's kind of a mixed bag of opinions of where autism came from. All kinds of different things, too. Um, so most of those and CPTSD probably came from neglect, trauma, abuse, things like this. Sure. But they're different disorders, right? It's not that all, it's not that ADHD, autism, BPD, and histrionic is down to CPTSD. It's a, it's a different disorder, and someone with those can also have CPTSD. It's not, it's what they, you know, it's, it's ADHD, BPD, histrionic, and CPTSD came from child neglect and abuse. And people can have all of those. Um, but autism, we don't know yet. Did I answer your question? Please let me know, Marie. Thank you. Victoria from the Bay Area. Hi, Victoria. My question, do you know anything about relaxation videos? I know there's white sound frequencies. There's also brown sounds frequencies. Do you know which ones work the best to fall asleep? I had no idea there were so many. Well, what might work best for me might not work best for you, Victoria. Yeah, we're different. It doesn't matter. Try them all. Which one's the best for you? There's brown sound, white sound. There's also different frequencies of sounds that claim, do different things to our brains while we're sleeping, while we're listening to it. Sleep is the time our brains heal itself to have this music. Maybe that helps, different kinds of things. You can find a lot of these different videos in a playlist I have called Healing Sounds. I think what it's called. I put all kinds of different ones. And in my personal preference, what I enjoy more, when I was having severe CPTSD a long, long time ago, I enjoyed listening to, my favorite was a plane flight, eight-hour plane flight, a real one. And you hear people boarding, the jets are on, and then they start up more, and then they get in the air, and you hear a little ding, little stewardess call, sorry, flight attendant. That's my personal favorite. There's train rides. There's cafes and libraries and stuff like, there's all kinds of stuff to this too, Victoria. The point of all this is find out what's best for you. And what's good about it is you're simply just focusing on yourself doing it. So it's good. Thanks, Victoria. Uh, Victoria, don't know where, another, this is a different, oh, from Idaho. Hello, Victoria. I find your blanket assumptions insulting. My son was not abused or neglected. All my six children were raised the same way, plus my niece. No one was abused or neglected. Wow, amazing. My fourth child has BPD and NPD. Oh, did that on his own, huh? He was diagnosed as a teenager. Oh, in your care. That's weird. I wonder what he was doing. Where was he? Was he hiding and doing things to get that? My last child I helped raised an NPD mother and my sister. Oh, that's nice. That's heroic of you. Uh, she didn't know, she knows I didn't do anything to my kids. Well, that's what neglect is. You didn't do enough for your kids. You are wrong to say all parents are guilty. I didn't say that. I did not cause this hell on earth. The suffering is incredible. You have no kindness, but only accusations. Well, that's kind of you to say. Um, well, first, I'm sorry I insulted you. That's something I said, insulted you. I'm sorry. And, um, and I'm sorry if someone's abusing you, if your son's abusing you. He's responsible and it's his fault for everything he does to you. Okay. Now, it's not my opinion. Okay. You couldn't be more wrong. And I'm going to show you how you're wrong. Can you take it? Can you watch this? Are you going to click off already? Report my video, download it, leave some nasty comments. The deal is, is I'm not going to tell you what you did or didn't do. I'm simply, because what I replied is, yes, your child was neglected. If you were the caretaker, which is what you said, and you raised seven children, that's what you said, they were neglected. That's too many. We know this. Too many. Two people cannot meet all the needs all the time of seven children. Impossible. There's neglect. There's favoritism. There's, uh, putting responsibility on older siblings to take care of younger siblings. All neglect. Okay. Now it's not my opinion. It's fact. Uh, Mayo Clinic is the first source I looked up and they're pretty credible source, but you can find this anywhere. If you decide to just look it up for yourself, it'll say it everywhere. Early life experiences for all 10 personality disorders, all 10. This includes a home environment that is not stable, predictable, or supportive. It also includes a history of trauma, physical neglect or abuse, emotional neglect or abuse, or S.A. sexual. So it's not my opinion. I simply agree with it. So you can say that I'm insulting and not kind and blanket statements. It's fact. I'm simply relating a fact to you. Okay. And I, you know, it's not a personal attack. I don't know why you feel that way. It may not be fun to hear. And I might've said something that didn't make you feel good. Okay. But reality sucks sometimes and it can hurt sometimes. The real truth is, is every great, healthy, successful parent is asked, do you think you ever neglected your child ever? Maybe once or twice, at least. Everyone has neglected their child. At some point, every parent has made mistakes. The good ones apologize to the child and don't do it again. I don't really see that coming from you. I see you attacking me because you don't like reality, the truth. And it doesn't matter to me or anybody else watching what happens with you and that child of yours. You can't raise seven children. Two people can't all the time and give them every single thing they need. We have at least 10 emotional needs, unconditional security all the time. Even when they're bad, even when they fail in trouble, anything they do, you have to always let them know you love them. Not there's not a parent that's been perfect at that, but you have been. You've never neglected and you've never abused any seven children, but yet you have a child diagnosed with severe mental illness, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, which comes from neglect. And you're going to sit here and tell me that I'm so wrong, blanket statements, because I just repeat it and I'm not kind and I have accusations. I don't even know what you're talking about. I really don't. I'm trying to go back to it. I find your blankets assumptions insulting. My son was not abused or neglected. All my six children are raised the same way, plus my niece. No one was abused or neglected. That's amazing. You are the best parent ever to live, if that was true. So it can't be true. But what we know is your child was diagnosed in your care with severe mental illness that comes from neglect, abuse, trauma. Two of them even, comorbid, way worse. This child was neglected and probably abused and probably traumatized. And you can't blame your husband. Just let you know. If you live with a husband during their entire development and that husband abuses your child, it's your fault too. Mom has one role. Keep that child safe and secure. Enough of that. My accusations, my not being kind, you know, that's one of the biggest things I get on this channel, people telling me how kind and empathetic. I think I simply said something you don't like that feels bad. And I think that's personal. I don't think it's necessarily me and it won't matter. You know, you can try and debate and argue and deny and all that as much as you want, but real healing will come from looking inside, inside yourself. And anytime we're abused in a relationship with someone, the only way we're going to ever heal is to find something we can own. Anything someone does to you wrong is their fault, period. I don't care how many times you let somebody in your life keeps abusing you. It's not your fault. What they did is their fault. What your son's doing to you is your son's fault. And the only way you'll heal from this is to find something that you can own. What can you own, mom? Nothing. You may not heal from this thing. Plus your son could use an apology. That's it, guys. Thank you very much. This short one today. I got all the questions in fast. If I missed anyone's questions, please let me know. I think I did miss someone's question, by the way. And you know what? Actually, since this video is so short, let me see. I think, oh, I remember. Somebody, sorry, I don't remember who it was. You asked, what are some problems that happen with a child who is raised with emotional incest? That's what it was. So the bottom line is we develop a child so that they can protect themselves and give themselves what they need, okay? And if a parent, a narcissistic parent, is emotionally incestual to the child, that means the parent is trying to get their emotional needs met from the child. The child cannot develop into a perfect, fully functioning adult that way. So at the very least, can't protect themselves, can't give themselves what they need. Here's some of the ones, here's some things I looked up. Difficulty individuating or establishing a sense of self and personal identity. Trouble establishing friendships with peers. Difficulty forming lasting healthy attachments in adult romantic relationships. Difficulty setting or enforcing boundaries with others. Perfectionistic tendencies. A sense of superiority, loneliness, and isolation. Feelings of guilt and shame. Low self-esteem or a sense of personal inadequacy. Mental health concerns, including depression, anxiety, and personality disorders. It's just complete narcissistic parenting, and typically they'll think they didn't neglect or abuse their child at all. Thank you, everybody. That's it. Happy 2025, everyone. I'll see you next week. Please ask me questions. Please let me know what you think my answers. Most of all, love yourself first. Bye-bye.