Married For 19 Years And At A Financial Standstill

If your private student loans are in default, you're not out of options. Go to whyrefi.com slash Ramsey. My husband and I have been married 19 years. We're approaching retirement and we've always managed our finances separately. We're a blended family. We don't have a will and we're struggling to move from talking about major financial decisions to actually making them. We cannot get on the same page. I just don't know how to get there. What's the biggest difference, Mary, if you could explain? What is kind of his mindset with things? What's yours? Where does that conflict come in? So, he has a lack of trust about, he kind of holds most of the liquid assets. I have retirement assets, but he has more liquid assets. We kind of have always split bills and I tend to carry debt and then pay it off, carry it. I've kind of borrowed money against savings and paid him back. So, his concern is that if we combine finances, then he's not going to be able to protect our future from me. That's valid. You keep borrowing money and paying it off with his money and then paying him back and that scares him. Well, of course it does. It should. Well, we both work and I have an income. He's observing a pattern that scares him that is a valid thing. So, you have to remove that pattern in order for him to be comfortable combining finances because he's conservative. Could he, if you guys agreed on the value system of if we combine finances, debt is no longer part of our family. We are not going to use debt. Would you be okay with that? Absolutely. I've suggested that we sit down and go over our debts, go over our assets, look at everything together, pay off what needs to be paid off, create a household account, and hold me accountable, hold him accountable. That's healthy. I'm with you on that. But, if someone observes a behavior pattern and that behavior pattern breaks trust, that's valid. So, we've got to solve for that emotionally. He's got to have a reason to believe that you're not going to do this again and you're saying, as a friend of mine said the other day, he said, I had to submit myself to the system. I have to say, the system says we don't borrow money. The system says we have a budget that we both agree on. And, I had to submit myself to that. In other words, my little wants or little impulses were subject to my agreement with my spouse. And, if he believes that, and okay, I will never spend another dime again that we have not both agreed on. Oh, and by the way, neither will you. If he really believes that that's going to happen, then there's no possible way you could go in debt, right? Correct. And, I think that where we haven't gotten on the same page that way is that I think he's too frugal. He thinks I'm too liberal. Well, you do need each other in that regard, in general, if one of you is not over the top. But, here's what I would suggest y'all do. Let's try combining the budget, the monthly income budget, and work out of one first. And, if we do that, then that addresses. Now, and then both of you need to hear this part, okay? The saver needs a spender in his life, so he has a life, okay? Correct. Because the people that are like him will live in a cave, collect lint, and only come out on triple coupon Thursday, right? And, that's not, you know. And, the saver, him, the spender, you, needs a saver in his life, in your life, so you don't have to retire and eat dog food. Correct. Because you spend everything, so you can't, you know. So, we've got to balance that out, and so there has to be a portion of Mary in the budget, where there's some fun. And, in our case, that'd be Rachel. And, there's a portion of the, your husband, which is, Rachel's husband, Winston, is more like your husband, is conservative and very, but he allows for fun, and she allows for savings, because we agree that both of those things are necessary to have a quality life. Yeah, absolutely. Mary, I want to follow back. You mentioned the trust aspect at the beginning of the call, because you said he has a lot of liquid assets. Does he, did you mean trust with, like, the market, or you? I think with me. Okay. So, it's a relational trust. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He has two big things. So, one thing, we have a franchise, and we invested a lot of money into that, and we're not going to come out whole on the other end of that. So, he feels very protective of the liquid assets and retirement that he has, which is fine. And then, I, at one point, because I handled separate finances, made a decision to do some cosmetic dentistry for one of our children that was substantial, and he felt that was a major financial decision. I didn't discuss with him what it was, but we handled our finances separately. I have substantial retirement assets, but I really don't have very much liquid at all. So, what is your retirement asset base? A little over a million. Okay. And what's the, is the franchise is a business one of you are running? It is a business, and I mean, we both own it, but I'm running it, and there's two years left on the franchise. And you're just going to close it? I believe so. Yeah. And so, you've been responsible for that. Let me say this carefully. In his mind, does he feel like you're responsible for that failure? I don't think so. I don't think so. We've talked about, he said, we own that together. Okay. And we made the decision together, and it failed, and we did that together. Yes, sir. Yeah. So, I would probably sit down, Mary, and you guys need to have a discussion for, to your point, to Dave's point earlier, that maybe some valid concerns that he may have. And what does he need to see within you to get any level of that trust back on your side? Because you guys, as a couple, are going to function better when you see yourselves as a unit. You guys have been married 19 years, and you've never combined this part of your life. And so, that is a desire of yours. And so, that question, I would want to know from him, hey, what are the things that you need to see? And I am willing to make some changes when it comes to the way I handle money or communicate about money, but I do desire that we are seen as one in all of this, right? And what are those steps to get there? Because I would be curious what he'd want to see from you. And if it's ridiculous, and it's crazy, and it's controlling, and it is super, you know, all of this, if I don't want you to ever spend money on avocados or something just crazy, then there's going to be some of his issues that are in this as well, and not just you. But if you have a reasonable acceptance of his need to save, he has a reasonable acceptance of yours to enjoy money, that's a good, healthy balance inside your budget. And that should be there. That's accurate. Rebuilding trust. Henry Clout's book, Trust, it gives you a great way to do that. And I think a good entry point here is just first start budgeting together. If you budget together for 90 days, the amount of discussions you're going to have to get on the same page is going to be amazing. YREFI refinances defaulted private student loans for struggling borrowers. Learn more at Y-R-E-F-Y dot com slash Ramsey.