The Narcissist Will Switch Between Playing The Victim & The (S)Hero

Hi there everyone, welcome back to the channel. I'm Petra, I'm a life coach and an advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. Today I just wanted to touch on the subject of when the narcissist plays the victim and the hero or shero in their own story. And don't get me wrong, this is something that we all do. We all at some point in our lives play the victim and then play the role of hero or shero and that is okay, that is human nature. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. When it becomes malignant is when you notice the pattern, when you are in relationship with the narcissist, you will start to notice a pattern where they switch between the victim and the hero and it will be a very solid pattern. And this is usually when they play the hero is when they are feeling good about themselves, when they feel that you are listening to their every word, that they have your complete attention, then they will be the hero, tell you wonderful stories that will make you laugh, that will make you cry, that will make you think, oh my goodness, I have won the jackpot. I am with the most special person in the world. So then it's all good, but then there comes a point when they realize that maybe your attention is slipping, your attention span, maybe they are not getting enough praise from you, maybe you are not fueling them to the max and this is when they will switch roles and go back to playing the victim because they know that when they play the victim, then you will raise your level of attention, raise your level of comfort, raise your level of compassion. So this is a very sick game that they use. It's very manipulative and it is used to control you. This is also the reason why we get so confused not only in the relationship but when we have left the relationship, when we have been discarded. This is what is going to keep us in a state of confusion for quite a long time where we will remember them playing the victim, how we felt sorry for them and then we will remember the hero stories and we won't be able to decide which is true. Now let's just get one thing straight, is that you will never ever know the absolute truth of what they have told you. The stories that have been relayed to you, the stuff that they have told you about their lives, you will never know whether it is true. The only thing you will know for sure is trusting your gut instincts. When something feels off, it is off. When something feels bad or rotten, then you can believe your intuition that it is bad or rotten. But it's not about learning about the absolute truth because this is what we also tend to do. Again, this is human nature where we want to know the truth of the situation. What they told me back in 1990, was that the truth or was it a lie? What they told me last week, was that a truth or was it a lie? It's, that is not what it's about. It's not even important. The most important thing is trusting your gut instincts with just trusting what you're feeling. The way to know the truth is to trust what you are feeling. So, going back to them playing victim, you know, this is, I'm sure you can, every single one of us can relate to this. And I remember when it was done to me, I would, you know, I went through, just looking back on that, on these narcissistic relationships that I went through, I was actually in a continuous state of craziness. I was just not functioning right. I thought I was. I mean, I thought I was the bomb. I thought I had everything, you know, down to a fine art. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being very compatible with these narcissists in my life. When really, when you step away, when that fog starts to lift, that's when you see the illusion of what you were in. So I was played like a puppet on a string with every single situation. And with all the relationships that I went through with narcissists, is that, especially playing the, you know, when they were playing the victim, that would touch my heart, as I'm sure it does with all of you. You know, where you can feel the compassion, you can feel sympathy for them. You feel sorry for what they've been through. You sympathize with the traumatic experiences that they have been through. And you think to yourself, oh my goodness, they have had such a terrible life, let me be the person to make them feel good about themselves, to make them feel like they belong somewhere. And this is, you know, this is again where we are played. It's all about control. This whole game with the narcissist is about controlling your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings. And then when you bring up the fact that you are feeling a certain way, that you are thinking certain things, then those things will be shut down because they will tell you you're crazy, you're oversensitive, you have no right to those feelings. And you know, all manner of craziness is really displayed. So, coming back to the story of being played like a puppet on a string, any little thing that was said, you know, if I felt that I could help, then I would be in the car at 11 o'clock at night, at six o'clock in the morning, whatever, you know, ridiculous times that I would not even think about at this stage in my life. And I would jump in the car and be off to see this person, to comfort them, to help them through whatever situation they were going through. And this was by them saying, you know, faking illnesses. I'm terribly sick, I feel like I'm going to die, I'm hyperventilating or whatever the situation was. But this is again, this is a great example. You know, when we jump in the car as I did so often and go and try and save these people, this is a great example of people-pleasing. And people-pleasing is a dis-ease. Not a disease, a dis-ease in your life because you are continuously giving and giving and giving and very little is being given back to you. So, this is where we also need to look at ourselves and say, look, where am I crossing my very own boundaries? Where am I allowing the other person, the narcissist in my life, to cross these boundaries? So, it can be done, you know, playing the victim can be done through so many different ways. I remember when being with the narcissist in my life, there was a lot of stories of woe, you know, how they had no successful relationships, where they felt that they were not good enough as a father or mother, that they needed to do more, that they were being ostracized by their own family, that they felt broken inside. Well, that now we know to be a truth. You know, I feel broken inside. I just want to curl up into a little ball and I just want to cry the whole weekend. I remember this was said to me so often. I just, just leave me alone. Don't, don't call me this weekend. I want to be left alone. I just want to cry. You know, and I would think, oh my goodness, what can I do to help you? You know, so this is, again, in hindsight, you realize just how much you are being played. So, this is, this is one of the ways that they will play on your compassion string. So, a lot of crying, a lot of, this is something that I heard very often as well, is threatening suicide. You know, I'm just calling you to say goodbye. I'm going to get in my car. I'm going to drive off to, I don't know where. And I really don't care if I come out of this place alive or not. So again, I myself would be in a panic and I would think of ways to reach them, to, you know, try and call them continuously. And the strange thing is, when I used to call at that time, the phone was never answered. So, this would send me even into more panic and more concern for their safety. Again, another tactic, it's ridiculous. It is absolutely ridiculous. The lengths that these people will go to, to get attention, it is just sickening. Another thing, which is probably what you can relate to when they're playing the victim, is that they will tell you, you are the only person who understands me. You are my soulmate. You are the one person that I've been waiting for my whole life. So, doesn't that just warm your heart? You know, the healthy heart. It does warm your heart. You think, wow, I have hit the jackpot. I have found this person that I myself have been waiting for all my life. You know, and yes, we do get each other. We are on the same frequency. We're on the same level. We get each other, but nothing is further from the truth. So, this is the way you will see them playing the victim, where if, you know, and it can be something as simple as if you say, I have a terrible headache, then they will say, I have a splitting headache. So, they will always one-up you, whatever it is, whether it is your education, whether it is your job, whether it is how you parent, they will always one-up that. So, that is playing the victim in a very, it's a form of playing the victim. You know, where you will feel, I remember that I felt this when I had relayed a story from my life and these people, these narcissists one-up that. I would think, okay, it's probably a good thing not to relay any of my stories because they always have a better story. I felt minimalized, is that a correct word? I don't even know. At any rate, I would feel smaller. So, I remember I stopped telling stories of my life because I just felt that my story was nothing compared to theirs. So, this is another twisted form of playing the victim. And playing the hero or the shero is, you know, really strange things. When you come to think of it, when the fog has lifted, this is when you realize that their stories of being the hero in their own lives are very, very silly. They're very childish as well. You know, things like, I give to the poor. I make a point of going twice a year and I donate money to a charity or I take food to the homeless and to the poor, which is a great trait. If it is given from integrity, then that is a great trait. But the thing here is, when you give from integrity, you do not feel the need to go around telling the world what you have done for others. You don't need to do that. You know, and this is where you can catch a narcissist out is that they will want it known. Everyone must know what they have done, all the good that they have done for others in their lives, for people in their lives, how they have donated to charity, how they have helped people out in dire situations. This is, you know, this is putting themselves on that pedestal. This is them treating themselves like this golden person that can never do wrong. Another thing would be, you know, I stand up for minority groups and I do this and I do that and I help out. Again, this is blowing your own horn. You do not need to do this. You know, anyone who is healthy and who is authentic and who gives from integrity does not need to tell others of all the good they have done in their lives. It's not necessary. People will notice on their own. People are not blind. People are not stupid. They will see these things for themselves. But a narcissist is always living in a state of fear so that they think they will feel the need to relay their goodness. It's like they're trying to convince themselves that they are good people and this is why they relay these stories of being a hero. Another thing that was, sorry, I'm just glancing down at my notes, but another thing that was said to me very often was I'm here to show people the right path in life. Now, you know, I think that is the height of arrogance. When you say to someone, I am put on earth to show other people the right path in life, well, who are you to know what the right path is? The path is a very personal way to go. It is very personal for everyone. You know, it is not up to you, Mr. and Mrs. Narcissist, to tell people what the right paths are in their lives. I'm going to help you. I'm going to show you the way of truth. I'm going to show you the light in the darkness. That is very arrogant. And this is what their hero and shero stories are based on is really on arrogance. So they will pretend to have this, for example, a greater form of education. They have traveled the world. They have seen so much. They have learned so much. And this will be thrown in your face every single time. And you will look up to them. I remember this is something that I did. You know, when I was with these narcissists is that I looked up to them and I treasured them. And I thought, oh, wow, they have been through so much and seen so much and experienced so much. They have so much life experience. What can I learn from this person? And this is the state they put you in. You know, they're very manipulative and very good at showing you that, showing you their own perceived superiority is that through their words and through their deeds, they will put themselves higher and you will be left here. And when you try and level up, that is when you will be knocked down again. So there is never any equality in these relationships. It is always, I am the greater person, the narcissist. I'm the greater person. I am more superior. I have more knowledge. I have more life experience. And you are just a rookie. You are just showing up in life. So there is very much that you can learn from me. Again, all arrogance-based. So the moral to these stories is just that this is something that you need to become very aware of, especially when you are in the first stages of your healing. Become aware of why they played the victim and why they played the hero. It is not the truth. In many cases, it is not the truth. It is them manipulating you and controlling you. So when you feel the urge to go back, to get back in touch, when you tell yourself that you are the narcissist, when you doubt your own perception, just remember that you were victim to this very manipulative mind game for months, for years, for decades. You were victim to this. You were a puppet that had been played. And when you cut those strings, you no longer allow them to be that puppeteer in your life. You can then experience freedom. You can experience free will. You can learn to start your own or trust your own perception of life, trust your own experiences, speak your truth on what you have been through. This is what it is all about. So don't feel that you need to give them the benefit of the doubt. This is what they are relying on. This is what they are hoping for, is that you will give them the benefit of the doubt and that they can continue to play the victim and then the hero. It's all just a game. Remember that. So please share your stories. If you'd like to share your stories here down below, send an email, speak your truth. I think the greatest step in healing is when you stand up, raise, pull your shoulders back and speak your truth. That is the number one step in healing. You can trust yourself. So again, please keep those emails coming and I look forward to speaking to you all very soon. Again, I apologize for taking so long to reply to your emails. I think on average, I receive about 300 emails a month and it is literally impossible for me to reply to every single one. So if you have not heard from me yet, I apologize. I just cannot keep up with it anymore. But I do check emails every day and I think I'm going to have to get an assistant in to just help me have control over the emails that come in. But again, I am very appreciative of you taking the time to send me an email, to get in touch. Thank you. I very much appreciate that. Take care of yourselves and speak to you all next time. Bye.