The dynamics of narcissistic friendships

Hi everyone, I'm Petra, life coach and advocate for survivors of narcissistic and emotional abuse. It's been a while, I think it's been over a month since I last made a video and it's just been a wonderful, warm, loving four or five weeks that I've been away because there's been, you know, interacting with all of you nationally and internationally, giving workshops. I went on holiday for a week, so it's really been an amazing time to also relax, reflect and to get into work, you know, and I'm talking about inner work of course, not only my own, which is still an ongoing process, but also just being able to interact with so many of you. The question that kept coming up of late, which just suddenly made me realize that there is not enough being spoken on the subject, is the topic of toxic narcissistic friendships. And, you know, it's something that is not often talked about because we tend to play it off as being, well, I can handle the person, or maybe I'm seeing too much into it, or, you know, it's, I don't know, we just tend to sort of downplay the dynamics of a toxic or narcissistic friendship. And as I was thinking about this and just interacting with so many of you, the emails started coming in and messages on, you know, Facebook, on Instagram, where people were saying, well, this is the dynamic of the friendship that I'm in, do you think it's narcissistic? Or this is what I've been experiencing, this is how I'm feeling, does that define a toxic friendship? And I would say to that, you know, the very fact that you are asking the question, whether it's to me or to people around you, am I in toxic friendship? Or if you're looking for information on the internet, that is a huge red flag that something is not adding up in these friendships. And this is why we go looking for answers, you know, because in a healthy friendship, if something was not sitting well with you, or if something was irking you, you would feel comfortable enough to bring this up to the other partner, to the friend. But in toxic friendships, there's a different, there's just a different dynamic, it's a very heavy feeling of knowing something's wrong, wanting to communicate to your friend, but also realising or having that sensation, your intuition, telling you, if you go down that road, there's going to be hell to pay. So this is something that, you know, I recognise in the friendships, the toxic friendships that I was in, and I've been in several, is that it got to a point where, you know, certain things were going on, certain things were being said, certain things were being done, and it did not sit well with me. I've said this very many times in previous videos, where I felt that I needed to bring up the subject, but on the other hand, I was afraid, and I was very nervous, and had a lot of anxiety when thinking about what the consequences would be, how these women would respond to me, and that sort of kept me silent. It's a very insidious sort of guilt trip that is laid on you, and not only laid on you, but this is what we also tolerate in these friendships, is that we get guilt tripped, we get shame blamed, there's all kinds of stuff that goes on in a very subtle way, which keeps us silent, and we suffer in silence. We're also ashamed to tell family members or other friends about what we're feeling, and I remember when I started just relaying some of the situations to my healthy friends with regards to these toxic women in my life, the toxic friend said straight away, we've seen what's going on, we see the dynamic, we see how you tend to make yourself small in these relationships, and that is not a good sign, you need to get out of that friendship, this is not healthy for you. But then again, you know, when you are in the toxic relationship, you are also in a state of denial, you don't want to go there, you don't want to admit that you are involved in toxicity, so you just continue to feed into their demands, continue to feed into putting them on a pedestal, into putting them into a good light all of the time, you are constantly feeding their egos, and also fueling their narcissistic tanks. So again, I think this is a very important topic to discuss even more, because it happens so often, you know, and again, as I said, we downplay it, and instead of taking inventory of what we are experiencing, what we are seeing, and just being very truthful to ourselves about these situations that we find ourselves in. So I have made a list of just a few red flags to look out for, and also to give you a confirmation, and you know, very often when we are involved in friendships, I believe friendships are very important in life, and I don't have a zillion friends, but I do have two or three very good friends, we have been friends for a very long time, and they know me in and out, I know them thoroughly, and we feel that we can always just be ourselves, and I think if anything, in a healthy friendship, that is the place to go to be even more of your authentic self, because usually there are no barriers, you feel that you can say anything to that person, and they can say anything to you, they can call you out on your bad behavior, you can call them out, and there is just this give and take relationship that you have, and these are the healthy friendships where you thrive. I believe healthy friendships can make you thrive, and the toxic relationships are the ones that break you down, make you feel depleted, no energy left, you cannot focus, so I absolutely believe in healthy friendships, and I believe that even if it is one good friend, that is all you need, one good friend who has your back, who holds space for you whenever you need that, and also where you can have their back, and hold space for them, so again, it is a give and take situation. You know, toxic friendships, and I think this is the reason why we get involved, is that they feel so comfortable in the beginning, the toxic person, the narcissistic person, is very easy going, and very fun to be around, and this is them, this is what I realized in hindsight, is that they are conditioning, they are seducing their audience, and you are part of their audience, and they need to make you feel comfortable, you need to feel that you can tell them anything, you know, as I have also said in previous videos, is that there were four narcissistic friendships with women that I was involved in, and with two of them, I felt very, you know, I felt the need to put their needs before my own, so there is a bit of codependency coming out there, I felt that they needed to be put in the spotlight, because they were these loving and fun to be women, fun to be around with women, and you know, this is all part, this is what I realized now, this is all part of the conditioning, this is all part of the love bombing, love bombing also happens in friendships, where you feel how could this person ever do anything wrong, they are just such great people, I don't understand how they don't have great relationships, I don't understand how they don't have great friendships, again, this is one of the warning signs, you know, when you see that that person is not really committed to their other friendships, they are not loyal to whatever interaction, whatever interrelationship that they are in, that is a huge warning sign, and I know in my case, that doesn't have to be for everyone, that doesn't have to apply to everyone, but in my case, I thought, well, this, especially one of these friends, well, two of them actually, did not have very many friends around them, in fact, maybe just one, who was very, would also put them on a pedestal, would be very giving towards them, and I saw the pattern in their romantic relationships, is that they did not last very long, so these are all warning signs, and I thought, wrongly thought, well, I'm just going to show up, and I'm just going to lavish this person with love, and we're going to have great times together, and we're going to build this sisterhood, you know, this sister friend, and there was a part of me that thought, wow, I like the fact that she's not too involved with other people, in the case of these two friends, they're not too involved with other people, so that gives us more time to ourselves, again, that was part of my wounded place, where I felt that I, that exclusion was necessary in these friendships, but exclusion can also be part freedom, or not part, all freedom, you can be exclusively in friendship with someone, and a relationship, and still feel that sense of freedom, but in this case, it was very, I sort of wanted to keep her close, and on her part, she wanted to keep me close as well, so this is how we created this dynamic of a very toxic dance, not with all four friendships, but definitely with two of them, so just to get into some of the red flags, I think the biggest one for me was always having to listen to their drama, there was always drama, there was always chaos going on, whether it was at the workplace, whether it was in intimate relationships, whether it was the neighbor across the street, whether it was the woman walking her dog in the park, whatever it was, there was drama involved, there would very, not very often be a conversation where we would just talk normal stuff, there was always drama involved, there was always a problem that needed to be solved, but needless to say, the problem continued throughout the length of these friendships for me, because with a narcissist, the drama is there to fuel them, the drama is not there, or the problem is not there for it to be solved, because if you solve the problem, there is no drama left, so these friendships are full of drama and chaos, there you will find that your energy is oftentimes very drained, and your focus is very exclusive to this friend, because they will take up all your time, all your energy, all of your focus, so that it leaves you in a place of not being able to function, I remember this was true for myself, I couldn't function, I couldn't focus on my work, my thoughts would always be with her chaos, her drama, stuff going on in her life, so it would take my focus away from what I was supposed to be doing every single day, that was my work of course, that was being a mother, that was being a partner, that was being a daughter, a sister, it just took away focus, and it started off very subtle in the beginning, but it got to the point where I would cancel appointments with my mother, with my sister, with other friends, just to be with this toxic friend, and in that moment, I didn't see anything wrong in that, even though my people around me did warn me and say, but we made this appointment, we had an appointment for today, so it's an important appointment, and you would actually break that to be with her, and I said, well we'll get back, you know, we'll see each other next week, or we'll make a new appointment, I was very flippant about the whole situation, very disrespectful in hindsight, and this all tied into that emotional hold that toxic friendships have on you, where you feel that they are the most important person, you need to put their needs ahead of everyone else's, including your own, and this is just not the way to be, this is not a healthy relationship. Another thing, the third red flag, is that they will not admit to their flaws, and they will be very flippant, or very defensive, when you point out a flaw, when you point out something that they have done or said, you know, when you scrutinize their actions, is that you will not get a very positive response, they will either downplay it, they will deflect it, or they will just be totally on the defensive, and it gets to the point where you are then taught to not voice your opinion, to not point out their flaws, because if you do that, you know again that there is hell to play, or pay, and there is more drama infused into that, there is more chaos, so you get to the point where you remain silent, you sort of let all the stuff just pass by, you're observing it, and you're not doing anything about it, and what even makes it worse, is that you're not protecting yourself, you're the pristine part of yourself, you're not protecting your spirit, you're putting up with very bad behavior, but again this is the conditioning that you go through in these friendships, you will also walk on eggshells, most of the time, again in fear, you are in shame, you're in guilt, so you walk on eggshells, and it will get to the point, I remember again this was true for me, it got to the point where I thought, please don't call me today, please don't ring me so that we can meet somewhere, and I would be in a sort of anxiety expecting them to phone, and be so relieved when they didn't, you know, that I didn't have to see them that day, and this was not of course in the beginning, this was towards the end of the friendship, or friendships, that I realized I just feel so much better when I'm not on the phone with them, when I'm not meeting up with them, that is a huge red flag, that is not the way it should be, if you are in a truly authentic friendship, you should be happy to interact with them, you should be looking forward to the next time you can hang out or meet up with them, so walking on eggshells, not a good thing, because you are actually denying your truth when you're walking on those eggshells, trying to keep the peace, not a good thing at all, they will often tell you to get help or therapy, again this was said to me, you need to go and get psychological help, you need to go and see a psychologist, you need to get therapy, because the stuff you were saying to me and doing to me is just not right, we need to keep our friendship healthy, this was said to me, we need to keep our friendship healthy, so you need to go for that therapy, and again in hindsight I realised that this was projection, all the stuff that was going on on the inside of these women, their inner world was being projected onto me, so the people who really needed the therapy, who really needed the counselling, who really needed to check their own behaviour, was the very person that said to me, you need to go and get it, and I'm sure that this is true for very many of you, where you end up making an appointment with a psychologist or with a therapist, and going and voicing your opinions and saying, well my friend thinks and maybe she's right or maybe he's right, that I need this therapy, because I would like to keep this friendship and I would like to make it whole again, but excuse me, let me just tell you there, there is nothing wrong with you, it is yes, it is very important to practice self-care, it is very important to be reflective of your own behaviour, of your own actions, I am all for that, you know, you need to do the inner work throughout your life, but when you are being told to do this, where you realise that, well maybe this is just not all on me, that is another huge red flag, and the very thing that ties into that as well, would be my next point, is that I saw this, you know, with three of the narcissistic friendships I was in, is that they would have a therapist, they would see him or her on a weekly basis, and this went on for years, and I'm sure it is still going on, is that they were going to see this therapist every single week, and not to get therapy, not to practice self-reflection, but just to use this person as someone whom they could spew everything to, tell about all that, as I am very sure that I was spoken of in these sessions that, where they manipulated therapists into thinking that they were involved in a toxic relationship, you know, so the therapist is also being manipulated through this, and again, hindsight, I now realise that these therapists in the lives of these toxic women were actually being used as a cover-up for them, you know, trying to demonstrate to the outside world, look at me, I'm doing my inner work, when sometimes I used to hear the stories of them coming back from these therapy sessions, and think, well that is not what therapy is for, you are just talking about other people all the time, for years on end, and not giving yourself any part in that story, you're not checking your own behaviour, you're not checking your own actions, something's seriously wrong there. So, isn't it funny how that works? Very strange dynamic, where the therapist, and usually they don't even know it, is being manipulated and intimidated as well. Your problems will always be minimised or belittled, so whenever you go to this friend and you ask them to hold space for you, they may listen for five seconds, and then the whole situation is then turned around, and their problems are bigger, their problems are more complex, their problems are more difficult, it's me, me, me, so you will find at the end of the day that they no longer hold space for you. They may have done that at the beginning of the friendship, but there comes a point where that is also taken down, and you are made to feel guilty about bringing up your own problems, instead of just listening to them. So, you know, I remember in my case, I would pick up the phone with one of these women, and she would go on a rant about her problems, and her chaos, and her drama, and this would go on for a solid hour, and then at the end of that hour, she'd say, well, how are you doing? And I would start to tell her I was doing, and then she'd say, oh, sorry, I really have to go, I didn't realize we've been on the phone for an hour already, I need to go. So, conversation shut down. And if this happens once, okay. If it happens twice, okay. But when there is a pattern there, just know that this person is not at all interested in holding space for you. They just want to speak about themselves, speak about what they are going through, and they are more important than whatever is going on in other people's lives, in your life. Another thing is that your friendship will be put on a scale, it will be weighed. And this doesn't have to be throughout the friendship, but it got to a point, again, in my case, just using my own experience here, is that it came to the point where I would set boundaries, stand up to these women, and then I was told that after all that they had done for me, they held space for me, they listened to my problems, they did this and they did that. And I thought, well, yes, but, you know, I've done that as well. It's, in my eyes, at that point, it was very balanced. Now I know better. But this was them saying, look at all that I've done for you, and the scale is out of balance. Again, this is projection. Everything they do, everything they say is projected onto you. And when you are in that friendship for long enough, you will take that on as your truth. You will internalize it, and you will believe that that is the truth of who you are. So, you know, when the scales start coming out, that's a huge red flag. Just head for the door. Your job is to make them look good and feel good at all times. Listen to them. Put them on a pedestal. Show up with them in public places. Because, you know, this has to do, and it's not about blowing your own horn, but this has to do with the great qualities within you. And I'm not saying we all have only, excuse me, I'm not saying that we only have great characters. Of course, we all have shadow sides and we have light sides. But the thing that the narcissistic friend will see in you is those great qualities, the gift of listening. You listen to them. The gift of being able to give. These are great qualities. And this is what the narcissistic friend sees in you. So, they will want to show up with you in public, especially in the beginning, because you make them look good. And again, it's not to blow your own horn or to blow up your ego. It is just about the fact that we do not recognize these great qualities within ourselves. If anything, we see them reflected in the narcissistic friendship, and we give them all the credit, unduly. So, it is about recognizing our shadow sides and our great qualities as well, and just creating a balance in that. So, this is what you will be doing throughout the friendship, is putting them in the spotlight all the time. And you tend to take a back seat. You tend to dim your light in order for them to feel better. And I remember when this was said to me by one of my healthy friends. She said, I don't know you. I don't recognize you the way you are now. You always had your light shining brightly. You always were great in interacting with others. And now, with this toxic friend, I see you dimming your light even more. I see you taking a back seat even more. I see you minimizing yourself. And I remember getting very upset when this healthy friend said this to me, because I thought, what the hell does she know? But it was the absolute truth. And this is what I came to recognize. This is what we all need to recognize. It's about bringing ourselves back from that very dark place and being able to hold ourselves in high esteem and acknowledge our shadow and our light side, because it's all part of us. You know, when you get to the point of realizing that you are in a narcissistic friendship, you will break it off. This was the case for me. I broke it off and I went back. And I broke it off and I went back. And I think this happened four or five times, maybe even more. And the thing is, when we break off these friendships, we are dragged back in by guilt. We feel guilty and we think, well, maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they're just going through a difficult time. Maybe I need to help them out. Maybe I need to show more understanding. You know, all these maybes. And this plays on our guilt. And with that guilt, we keep going back. So there comes a point where you need to take a stand for yourself and say, that is it. I no longer wish to be tolerated. I no longer wish to be treated this way. It is taking out too much of my time. It is taking up too much energy. It is really very paralyzing in my life right now. Be truthful with yourself and know that, yes, it is very difficult to break off narcissistic friendships. It hurts. You are engulfed in grief, especially among women. This is true. You are engulfed in sorrow. You're missing that friend because you see her as a sister friend. The guilt shows up. The shame shows up. All of this shows up. And in order to ease that emotional pain that we're going through, we will go back into these friendships. And the trick, the key to absolute freedom is being able to sit in that pain. Acknowledge your pain and your grief and the sorrow that you're going through. Sit in that and know that you can get through it. There is no way you're going to get over it just by going back into that friendship. There is no way you can heal them. You cannot save them from themselves. But what you can do is sit through that pain, acknowledge it and start working through that. Because every toxic friendship that shows up in our lives is really a mirror which is trying to tell us and show us that there is stuff going on with us on the inside that needs to be healed. There are inner wounds that need to be healed. My inner wounds, I did not set boundaries. I thought very little of myself in those friendships. I didn't dare shine my light because I was afraid that that would take light away from the friendships that I was involved in. So there was a lot of inner work that needed to be put into place. So if anything, this is the warning I would like to leave you with. You know, if you recognize that you are in the throes of a toxic friendship, just know that you can always trust your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, if it seems too good to be true, break away from that. And also listen to the loved ones around you, whether they are family members or siblings or other friends. When they are telling you, you need to cut those ties, they can see it very clearly because they are looking on, you know, objectively. They can see what's going on. So you need to give them credit for them voicing their truth to you and take the steps that you need to take to break away from these narcissistic friendships because you deserve so much more. So I see that I've gone on a bit too long. I apologize for that. It's almost into half an hour. Thank you again for watching and take care of yourselves and prioritize yourself as well. Have a great week to all of you and speak to you all next time. Bye now.