The one trait to look for in a partner

The Science of Happily Ever After by Tai Tashiro is a fascinating book. So it's divided into three sections of what is love, why we fail at it, and what we can do differently to succeed. For happily ever after in the western world, you are working against the odds. 50% of marriages end in divorce. 10 to 15% are separated without divorce. 7% go along with an unhappy marriage. Leaving us with only 30% who get happily ever after. Tashiro says that traits in a person very rarely change. And that the traits that people carry during the initial period of dating are indicative of how people will behave in the future. And that something that screws us over is that we wish for a really unreasonable amount of traits in the people that we date. And the traits we aspire for our partners to have are often not good predictors of relationship success. Things like physical attractiveness or how rich they are. Tashiro actually believes that the most we can realistically wish for in a partner are three traits. And that we should not waste these wishes on things like beauty, wealth, or height. So, okay, fine, Tashiro. What traits should I wish for? Okay, he says that there are what's known as the big five. Five traits that compromise all personalities. And everyone just varies on the scale of low to high on all of these traits. And they are one, openness to experience, spontaneous, impulsive, seeks novelty experiences. Conscientiousness, organized, motivated, achievement-oriented, discipline. Three, extroversion, talkative, energetic, gregarious, assertive. Four, agreeableness, warm, kind, empathetic, altruistic, modest. And five, neuroticism, moody, irritability, anxious, depressed. Now what Tashiro warns is that neuroticism is actually the number one predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and conflict. And that people who are high in openness to experience and novelty seeking are usually people who are unfaithful in romantic relationships and provide less stability long-term. So he suggests when you're looking for an ideal long-term partner that you find someone who would be low to moderate on the scale of neuroticism and novelty seeking. So as you may have guessed, partners who are high in agreeableness tend to have long-term stability, higher rates of satisfaction, and happier relationships. So an exercise he recommends that we do is write out the initials of all of your major relationships and score them one for low, ten for high on each of these traits. He also says that you should look at the attachment style of each individual and make note of that as well. Finally, score yourself on all these traits. Try to be as honest and objective as possible. And if you don't think you can, ask your friends. Then you take a step back and look at your patterns. Are you dating people who are really low on agreeableness? Are most of them avoidant or anxious? Do you date people with high neuroticism? Or are you someone with high neuroticism? Yes, I am. I'm working on it. But if your ultimate goal is to live happily ever after, Tashiro says make a list of 10 wishes you want in a partner, then rank them and stick to your top three. He also advises to create small steps to attain your goal using the information that you got from these patterns. And one of the examples in the book is that one of his friends realized that she should not date guys in bands who play bass anymore because they were high on novelty seeking and she had a pattern of being cheated on. I found the exercise to be really helpful. Like high levels of neuroticism across the board in my past partners and in myself. I've mostly dated avoidance. And then I did notice like most of my past partners were relatively low on novelty seeking, which made sense because I haven't been cheated on in a long time. But very little agreeableness in my past relationships, which makes sense. So on my little goal list and action plan, that is what I am leaning towards. And I hope all this information helps you as much as it helped me. If you want to check out the book, here it is again. I'm Anna Akana. Thank you to the patrons who supported today's video. And thank you to Daddy Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode. Daddy Squarespace makes it easy for creators to monetize their content and expertise in a way that fits their brand. They have member areas, which unlocks a new revenue stream for your business and frees up time in your schedule by selling access to gated content like astrology courses, astrology courses, and astrology courses. Plus online booking and scheduling is available, making it easier than ever for your clients to schedule classes or sessions. And they have easy access to your availability and can reschedule online, taking all the hassle of coordinating calendars off of you. If you are a content creator like myself, they have Video Studio, where you can create pro level videos effortlessly and use their app to make and share engaging videos so that you can tell your story for your audience and drive sales. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And whenever you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash Anna and use code Anna for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Adios.