My 59-Year-Old Sister Just Told Me She Was Moving In With Me

[Music] brought to you by the every dooll app start budgeting for free today so my sister is been on probation for um from work for the past few months and she just told me this last week so it looks like she's going to be um laid off or fired for poor performance and she's called to let me know that she's going to be moving in with us um so this has not okay with me for several reasons you know Financial boundaries home Dynamics um Etc so I I I don't know what to do I mean I feel really bad she's my sister um I have an extra bedroom but I don't really have the space or you know I'm in debt myself so I can't take on another person and so I'm just calling to get your advice how old is she um almost 60 or 59 59 yes I thought you were going to say 19 so why can't she perform at work at 59 years old well I've seen this been coming for years um she's very unmotivated um she's smart she has two master's degrees she's got a fix figure job but she's just let her life um go downhill slowly but surely you know her weight her finances her job performance um there is some prescription pain medications that come into play which I think just that per motivation um to to perform well but you know she's let this happen to herself and and now I feel like I'm expected to solve her problem for her yeah and and so you and I both know that loving her well is not allowing her to continue on the path that she's on instead make her face down these demons and turn the corner on them right right exactly coming to hide in your spare bedroom is just enabling her continued spiral agree I agree and tell her that just tell her that she'll be very I love you too much I don't care I love you too much to allow you to continue on this path or me to participate with you on you continuing on a path that is destructive to you you have refused to address your lack of motivation your painkiller addiction and your weight and you need to address those things and you can't hide in my spare bedroom and not address them because I love you so much okay and then she's going to be angry at you right very predictable because she feels entitled to something that's not hers your bedroom so and she's also kind of using that card because um you know it was our family house well I'll explain so I I care for our elderly mother at my house and um in my mom's will you know is she gives us the house uh 5050 but I'm explaining to her that upon my mother's death that doesn't mean right now so it's not your house it's your mother's house well so I had to take out a morgage on the house no it's your mother's house well I well true but I is it in your name or your mother's name it is quit talking around the barn then it's your mother's house it's not your house okay but I'm on the deed so I don't it depends how you get on the well because I had to take a mortgage out on the um house to pay for my mother's caregiver and since my mother doesn't have a job I had to take a mortgage in order to get a mortgage I had to get on the deed are you single so I I am okay how old are you I am 54 okay all right well you you're the owner of the house then your name is on the deed it's not your mother's house I was wrong it's your house okay and your mothers you and your mother own it together your sister's not on the deed correct okay then she doesn't have any rights morally legally ethically emotionally nothing now the instant that your mother passes you will be selling this house because you're going to be required to otherwise own half of it with said sister and that ain't going to plan either no yeah no so be ready to move right well I'm hoping to get all my in in order I've been listening to you um nonstop so I'm hopefully hopefully I have a few years to get all my finances worked out so okay here's the thing there's a couple couple of basic Henry Cloud type principles in here from the book boundaries let's just recant them I'm just channeling my inner Dr John delone K and um so I think the uh the first principle is people who don't have bound don't respect your boundaries are always upset when you put a boundary in place yes we've had that so as soon as you say no expect her to have a little duck fit in the floor quing and flapping around and all that stuff that she does okay and then she's going to play The Guilt Trip card and she's going to play all the cards that people play when they want something that's not theirs right she's telling me she's gonna have to live in her car oh bull crap how about get motivated and get a job or how about just actually doing your work at your job so you don't get fired if you're living in your car sweetie it's your fault right okay so and that's rule number one okay is that you set a boundary with boundaryless people they 100% of the time get upset you just always expect it rule number two enablers are nice people that give drunks alcohol because they are too sweet to say no but it's not real love real love is I want you to have a better life my sister living in this bedroom hiding from reality continuing to spiral downward is not good for you I love you too much to let you live here this not about you in this CA in this discussion Linda it's about her you care too much about her to give a drunk a drink to allow her to continue in a lazy unmotivated painkiller addicted obese manner right none of these things are good for you sweetie I love you too much you're not addressing the stuff in your life and I'm not going to go there what do you got Ken I just hear a person Linda you're afraid of her and there's some history behind that fear and I think oh she's your older sister yeah she's the older sister am I right that there's some fear based on history I don't I don't have fear I I I guess I feel sorry for her um it's kind of like's turned and I'm the bigger sister and I care for my mother and I take on all responsibility but my point is try to you're afraid of letting her down AF this conflict like her future is on your shoulders and here's what I'm going to tell you yeah I I do feel that way I know so here's what I would tell you everything Dave said I rubber stamp but I would say this you're going to have to choose today to focus your mind on how awful your life will be if you let her come back into it instead of focusing on how awful it's going to be when she throws her duck fit and I and Dave's right that's going to happen but I think you have to choose between between the two evils and her being in your house is way more evil than you telling her grow up sis for her yes love her well enough to help her heal create your free every dollar budget today the simplest way to budget for your life