All women play blackjack: know when to hold em

I'm Dr. Orion Tarraban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is, all women play blackjack. So this is an episode for the young men out there. If you're a young man in the dating pool, you're probably dealing with women in their 20s and early 30s. And this talk will help you understand a lot of what might otherwise be very perplexing female behavior, which I'm sure you've observed by now. So let's get to it. The truth is that all women play blackjack. What does this mean? Well, in the game of blackjack, players are trying to get the sum of their card's values as close to 21 as possible without going over. And this means each new card they acquire is a risk. It could safely bring them closer to 21, which is good, or it could push them over the edge into busting, which is bad. Well, it's possible to hit 21 on your initial cards. That's called a blackjack. This is relatively rare. Most people start out with a sum that is less than 21, and they have to make a decision as to whether to hit, that is to acquire another card, or to stand, that is to settle for their current value. And decision to do this is based not only on the value of the cards held by the player, but also on the value of the card the dealer is showing. Both pieces of information are essential to making an informed decision. To be effective, a player can't make a decision based on just one of these data sources in isolation. And based on this information, people can make more rational decisions about how to act given the balance of probabilities in effect. Makes sense? Now, the same thing is happening with women in the sexual marketplace. We don't like to say it, many won't even admit it, but all women understand something about men. Namely, a big part of why men give them attention and pursue them for sexual relationships is because they are physically attractive. And that physical attractiveness diminishes with time until the point when it becomes increasingly difficult, though not technically impossible, to secure the type of relationship she would prefer with the man she would prefer to have it with. That's busting. She waited too long or refused to settle, and now she's over 21. Now, some women really don't like hearing this. They'll contend that the issue isn't with their decision-making, but with the superficiality of men's desire, which inordinately cares about how they look. And hey, no arguments here, that is superficial. However, as I've previously discussed, that superficiality may obscure some surprising depths, and in any case, it's not going anywhere anytime soon. On the other hand, other women accept the rules of the game, irrespective of whether they approve of them, and do their best to play as effectively as possible. These women are actively trying to secure the most favorable relationship terms they can with the most attractive men they can access before they bust. And they do this by considering the information contained in the cards in their hand, which is potentially you, the man they are currently dating, and the information conveyed by the dealer's show card, which is the other men she could potentially access for a relationship. She'll use information from both sources to determine whether to hit or to stand. Now, sometimes this decision is very simple. When you're holding a 20 against a five, you stand. And when you're holding a four against a 10, you hit. However, in many cases, it's not so easy to decide what to do, especially if you're not surrendering to a rational strategy of action. And most people do not have, and shudder at the possibility of having, a rational strategy of action when it comes to dating. They'd prefer to make decisions based on how they feel, and these feelings can be very conflicted in certain circumstances. It can be hard to stand because standing is settling. By definition, when you settle, you could do better. However, you won't be able to know how much better and on what timeline. By the same token, it can be hard to hit because hitting is risky. In any ambiguous case, that is in any case in which there is a real decision to make, hitting could jeopardize the entire endeavor. In wanting more, you end up with nothing. And these are non-trivial consequences when it's your money on the felt. If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out the Captain's Quarters, my members-only self-improvement community. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. So why is all this important for young men to keep in mind? In the first place, it will help you to appreciate that it's not always about you. Like it's only partly about you. You can hold a solid hand, but if the show card is stronger, then that's going to motivate hitting, not standing. By the same token, your hand might be relatively weak, but if the show card is even weaker, then that's going to motivate standing, not hitting. The point is that only so much depends on you, and only so much is in your control here. It also suggests that one of the best things you can do to improve the likelihood a woman is going to stand, irrespective of the cards you're holding, is to seek out contexts in which you can be a contextual alpha. When you're one of the most attractive options in a woman's social milieu, this is tantamount to playing against a weak show card. You're going to look good by comparison. And this, of course, also explains some of the mate-guarding behaviors that both sexes implement to maintain a relationship they've already secured. The introduction of more attractive options will increase the likelihood of hitting, though this likelihood will be mitigated if your hold cards are high enough. Finally, it helps to explain some of the more baffling and frustrating female dating behavior, the flakiness, the unpredictable interest, the impulsiveness. In the game of blackjack, the most difficult decision to be in, the most difficult decision to make is when you're holding 16 and the dealer is showing 10. The dealer's down card is more likely to beat your 16 than not, but you're more likely to bust if you hit than not. Even players who are trying to implement perfect strategy can make an emotional decision here because it's hard to hit when the odds are against you, even if it's the logical thing to do. Just like the blackjack player, the woman is going back and forth, back and forth. Should I hit or should I stand? Should I settle or should I wait for something better? You can understand the probabilities, but that still won't tell you what will actually happen. This vacillation indicates that she likely finds you attractive, which is good, but not attractive enough to sufficiently reassure her that she won't find someone better before it's too late, which is not so good. If she thought you were either more or less attractive than she currently does, you wouldn't be dealing with as much of this infuriating behavior. As a man, you have to focus on what's in your control, namely improving your value proposition, increasing the value of your hold cards, and creating opportunities to be a contextual alpha, playing against weaker show cards. And the good news is as long as you don't muck anything up, you'll typically get better at both as a function of time. You'll know that you're making progress because women won't be exhibiting this kind of vacillation, which should indicate that they're seeing you as a much safer. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below, and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message as it's word of mouth referrals like this that really helped to make the channel grow, I mean it. And anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or to book a paid one-on-one consultation can do so on my website. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.