Dating off the beaten path what to do if you are unconventional

I'm Dr. Orion Teraband, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is dating off the beaten path. So this episode is specifically addressed to all the unconventional people out there who are struggling to meet someone to have a relationship with. You're on the apps or you're going to parties, but you're not finding anyone that you resonate with. And you're beginning to feel exhausted and hopeless about the whole endeavor. As a very unconventional person myself, I know what that can feel like, and I have some ideas about how to break out of that unfulfilling spiral. The inspiration for this episode was actually an article that I read several years ago. Despite my efforts, I have not yet been able to track it down again, but I'll do my best to summarize what I remember. Basically, the article was written by a young male doctoral student in the math department at MIT. And he was calculating the probability of finding a girlfriend based on his various criteria and the statistical data available. His criteria were things like, she has to be a woman, she has to be single, she has to live within 50 miles of me, she has to be between 22 and 29 years old, she has to be reasonably attractive, and this is the kicker for our intents and purposes, she has to be at least somewhat conversant in advanced mathematics, as that constituted a significant part of his life. And after listing out about a dozen criteria, he then calculated the probability of meeting this woman in the next six months as 1 in 6,426,547,212. As you might expect, he was not particularly encouraged by this finding. And yet, despite all the odds, the article ends with him finding a girlfriend. Now, you might think, given his calculated odds ratio, how the **** did that happen? Well, it's actually not that surprising if you think about it, and the answer actually helps to explain why statistics like these can be so useless and misleading. Think about it. If you're looking for a young woman located within 50 miles of MIT who is conversant in advanced mathematics, where do you think you'd be most likely to find her? The bowling alley? Some house party in South Boston? Or I don't know, the ******* math department at MIT? And that's precisely what happened. The author of the article met a fellow grad student in his department who had an office like four doors down from his. They just hadn't yet crossed paths because their schedules were different. Kind of crazy, right? So I understand that this is just anecdotal evidence, but I think it's suggestive. To me, the moral of the story is that if you are in any way unconventional, like you have an unconventional intelligence, or an unconventional lifestyle, or an unconventional religion, or an unconventional interest that is a core part of your identity, then you actually want to go further off the beaten path to meet someone with whom to have a relationship. On the other hand, if you're a conventional person, then you need to go where the masses congregate. But it doesn't work for a conventional person to go off the beaten path, and it doesn't work for an unconventional person to go where the masses congregate. Now, I'm not using either one of these words judgmentally. It's not better to be one or the other, and each comes with its own challenges and benefits. However, it's for people to look inside themselves, individually, to determine which group they fall into. Like, by definition, most people will be conventional. They want what their culture wants for them. So these people just need to go where the people are, as most of those people will also be conventional and want more or less the same things. It's not always that simple, but it's far simpler than dating for unconventional people who tend to be more singular and complex. If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. If you're unconventional, and you go where the people are to date, you're going to hate your life. You're going to feel misaligned with the people you're coming into contact with, which can make you feel even more lonely and isolated than had you just stayed home alone, which could just be what you decide to do the next time you're invited out. Fortunately, there's an alternative beyond going out to the club and staying home by yourself, and that is what lies off the beaten path. This means that you're actually going to want to lean into whatever makes you unconventional even more. And this can be scary for folks because they think, I'm already not having much luck with the people I'm meeting, but isn't it a numbers game? If I go off the beaten path, there will be even fewer people to interact with. So won't that decrease the likelihood of finding what I want? I know it sounds counterintuitive, and it tends to conflict with, let's say, the probabilistic mindset we encountered in the article earlier. But even though you will meet fewer people off the beaten path, the people you meet there will almost certainly be more qualified applicants. This is because they are very likely to be unconventional in many of the same ways that you are unconventional. For example, if you're living in Brooklyn and you are into some esoteric offshoot of vinyasa yoga, then you might need to travel to India and spend some time in an ashram there. And I bet you, dollars to donuts, that if you do so, you'll likely meet some other seekers there who are as committed to the path as you are. I wouldn't even be surprised if some of them traveled from Brooklyn to be there. If you are an unconventional person, you may just have to go halfway around the world to meet someone in your own neighborhood with whom you might be compatible. It's counterintuitive, but it's true. Lean into your particularity. The further you go off the beaten path, the fewer people you'll encounter, but the greater the likelihood that those you do encounter will be worth meeting. Leave the crowds behind and move in the opposite direction. I guarantee that wherever you go, you won't be the first person there. There will already be people there who have gone before you, and more people are likely to arrive in the future. And in my experience, this is where the most interesting people always are. So take a risk and lean into it. At the very least, you know that you'll be doing something that you enjoy, which will also make you more attractive to the people you find there. So it's a no-lose proposition. Happy trails! What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode along to someone who might benefit from its message, as it's the word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. And anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website. The links to everything are in the description below. I also have a number of exciting upcoming opportunities for this channel. I have a lot of things that are cooking behind the scenes, and I really can't wait to share them with you. I'm nearly there, I just ask for a little bit more patience. But they're coming down the pipeline very soon, probably released in Q4 of this year. In any case, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.