When women hedge: the bet determines the payout

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is when women hedge. So this is a conversation that I've had with many young women in both a personal and professional context over the years. Basically, when I talk with women in their 20s, the question often arises as to why they choose to focus on their education and professional development in the decade that, all other things being equal, their sexual marketplace value is at their peak, and they would be most able to secure the most favorable terms with the most attractive men for a long-term relationship. Why do they choose to prioritize the one set of goals over the other? And the response that I almost always get from these women is something like, well, the career is kind of a hedge, Orion. In the first place, I can't just sit and wait for a rich man to snatch me up. Things cost money. And if no one else is buying, I need to pay for myself. But even if I were snatched up by a rich man, I wouldn't ever want to be in a situation where I'm financially dependent on my husband, as this would leave me in a vulnerable and powerless state. What happens if the relationship goes sideways? Say I nab a guy at 22, but I don't go to school, I don't enter the workforce, I don't build a career, and then at 40, he leaves me for his secretary. Like, where does that leave me? So I've decided to prioritize my career as a hedge against this possible outcome. Now, I've tried to report this honestly to give the steel man argument in support of this decision. And now I'm going to share the response I typically give to this line of reasoning. First, I'll concede that there is some grain of truth to what these women are talking about. Like, Virginia Woolf noted a century ago that in order to write, one must have money and a room of one's own. Henrik Ibsen in A Doll's House clearly illustrated that financial means are necessary for any kind of independence or autonomy, whether you are a man or a woman. This is true. To have power and control over your own life from a practical standpoint, you need money. This means that women either have to control their own money, or they have to control someone else who controls the money. He or she who pays the piper calls the tune, right? And if you don't have the cash, you better learn to like the music. So as a man, as a captain, I understand this perspective. Like, it would be really hard for me to be dependent on somebody else. And I would never want to put myself in a position where I would have to go along with something that I didn't like or didn't agree with just because I didn't have the means to make it on my own. That's why I've prioritized what I have in my own life. So I can't chide women for doing the same. This strategy really works for me because I'm not a very agreeable person, and I like to have things my way. And this is because over and above my personal preference, which everyone has, when things go my way, things tend to work. In any event, I chose the captain's way, and this path functionally requires a good deal of resources to walk. But here's the real issue with this line of reasoning. The bet that these young women are making is not really a hedge. They may think it is, but in point of fact, it's actually the primary bet. In reality, they are using marriage as a hedge against their careers, not the other way around. And just to be clear, the issue is not that women are doing this. As I said, I have no problem with women doing this. I did it myself. The issue is that women often don't understand that they're doing this, which can lead to a host of issues further down the road. Let me explain. In the first place, it's important to understand that most women don't have careers because most people don't have careers. Most women have jobs, which for most folks is a 40-hour-a-week commitment. Careers, on the other hand, can easily consume 70 to 80 hours a week of your life. They typically demand that you work longer and harder than jobs do. And even when you're not working, you're working. You're thinking about work, complaining about work, recovering from work, strategizing about work, etc., etc. Now, the more time people devote to their careers, the less time they devote to getting and maintaining relationships. This is because the time's got to come out of somewhere, and there are only so many good hours in a week. When women give the lion's share of those good hours to their employers, they don't have much left over for dating. As a result, it's not uncommon for young, career-oriented women to go on like two, three dates a month. Do you see where this is going? If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. At two hours a date, this is four to six hours a month devoted to dating compared to 160 hours a month devoted to a job and 320 hours a month devoted to a career. So if you do the math, the woman with a job is spending 32 times the amount of time, energy, and money on her job than on dating. And the woman with a career is spending a whopping 64 times the amount of time, energy, and money on her career than on dating. Ladies, when one bet is 64 times larger than the other, it's not your hedge. That's your primary bet. The hedge is the small bet you're making to offset a catastrophic downside. This means that if we're being honest, women aren't investing in their careers in order to hedge against a husband leaving them in midlife without any skills or experience. For that to be the case, her career would need to be the smaller bet. What it means is that women are treating marriage as a hedge against no longer wanting to work. They're hedging their relationships to save them from the downsides of a career, not the other way around. This is important for both men and women to understand. Again, if this is actually a woman's intention, there's nothing wrong with it. But many women don't understand that this is actually what they're doing when they devote their 20s to their career. It's not rocket surgery. In general, when what people invest much more time, energy, and attention into is much more likely to succeed than what they invest much less time, energy, and attention into. This is why we all have to be careful and intentional about what we're investing with our time, energy, and attention. We are much more likely to get it. This means that if you want marriage and a family, you cannot reasonably expect to get those things if you only give that goal 1% of the time, energy, and attention you give to your professional development. Only extremely attractive women can get away with that. And most women are not extremely attractive by definition. And since most women are making career their primary bet, it's important for them to clearly understand what they win if that bet pays off, namely, the ability to work for the next 50 years. Hooray. And this is very strange to men, to be honest, because very few men want to win that prize. But they place their bets here nonetheless because they don't really have a choice. There is no hedge for a man. Women, on the other hand, have a choice. So it's boggling to many men that this is where they're choosing to put their money. In any case, using marriage as a hedge against a career isn't actually a good idea. Why? Well, imagine working and struggling and competing for 20 years only to be rewarded with the prospect of 30 more years of work and struggle and competition. People don't have the stamina at 40 that they had at 20. The intern might think it would be so cool to be involved in certain meetings. The corporate officer might do anything in her power to avoid those meetings. When you're young and broke, money is more valuable than time. When you're old and wealthy, time is much more valuable than money, etc., etc. Now, if a woman at 40 decides to cash in her hedge, that is, if she decides to marry out of her career, she's going to find herself behind the eight ball. She gets the worst of both worlds. At 40, she's not going to be an attractive option in the sexual marketplace, and she will find it hard to beat out her intrasexual competition for the most attractive men. If she does leave the professional arena, she's going to seriously damage her lifetime earnings, and she's going to stop working precisely when she's likely just starting to really rake it in. Like most things, if you're going to go, go all the way. It's okay to have plan Bs and Cs, little hedges along the way, but be sure that you're giving the thing you really want the majority of your time, energy, and attention. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below, and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message, because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website. There's also my book, The Value of Others, ebook, audiobook, and paperback, and my member community, The Captain's Quarters. The links to everything are in the description below. Check them out. A lot of great resources there. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.