I'm Draining Our Finances On Stupid Stuff

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. Me and my husband are trying to do the baby steps, and we cannot get through the first one because I struggle with impulsive spending, and I don't know how to get past this. I'm in counseling for it. What they're telling me isn't really working, so I'm draining every bit of extra money we have because I want to buy stupid stuff. What are the counselors telling you? What What have they told you to try? What have they told you to do? Give all of my husband my credit cards, my debit cards, but the problem is I memorize numbers or I save them on my phone. Why do you do it? I've only been counseling for about a month. Why do you spend impulsively? I have a bad past from abusive relationships, and I met my husband who doesn't tell me no one anything coming from a place where I had to ask even to go out to dinner with my parents. So he... Doesn't tell me no. And I feel safe enough with him to spend money to get everything that I want or need. But now it's like, I'm a stay at home mom. We have five kids and he's the only one that works and we're trying to do better, but I'm draining the account. And I don't, it just feels avoiding me. I can't explain it. It just feels this emptiness in me when I spend money. Yeah. Because I mean, there's a true... You know, something chemical sense that's happening when you spend, you get a dope, you're getting a hit from it, right? Just like a gambler would placing a bet or an alcoholic with a drink, like you're getting something even from a physical standpoint that feels good, right? So it's not even just the stuff because once you get the stuff, what do you do with it? Yeah, that's right. That's right. So, so I think, yeah, starting and I, and yeah, if Dr. John Deloney was here, he could pick this apart. But, but I do know, you know, things that I've heard him say for sure, which I think is true. And this is probably true for any, you could say bad habit to addiction on that scale is have things in place that Actually, you repurpose that energy. What else can replace when you have that compulsive need to get on the phone and to buy something? What can you replace that with, right? And so there can be, you know, and I've heard John say this. This is why they have donuts at AA meetings, genuinely, because, like, there's a sugar hit. That's like, okay, like, we're getting, like, what else can you, yes. And so, obviously, the healthy patterns would be going for a walk, calling a friend, right? And sometimes those are amazing if you can do these things, but what else in your life can you go to when that compulsion comes? To replace it. Oh, gosh. And so what would be a couple of things that you're like, okay, if I, because I do think the counselor is right. I think having, not having access, stopping the access point, which I know you memorized numbers, you said, so that doesn't help. But I mean, like that's, that is one train that I would say to go down. What can you eliminate, you know, from that standpoint, but then also when that comes. What do you do with that, that feeling? And I think, Renee, even if you can get a step ahead of it, if you're starting to, if you can look back on the times that you've spent, whether it's like, oh gosh, I jumped on Amazon or I ran over to Target or I'm not sure what your spending location of choice is. But if you can think back and spend some time and go, what happened just before that? Was I bored? Did I get some bad news? Did my husband go to work and I felt abandoned? What was it specifically? That's really the big one is feeling abandoned. And there you go. And yeah, I feel like I need to spend. I mean, it's not even just like going to Walmart or Target and buying something. It's I get bored of my car and I go trade it in for another $37,000 loan. It's like bad stuff. And I think, and that's the thing I want you to discuss with your therapist, because the truth is in a situation like this, the truth is Renee, we would say that somebody who's got a gambling addiction, any kind of addiction, it could be gambling, spending, pornography, whatever. To that extent, we would say they'd need a separation from the money. And in his case, he would need to change the numbers on the card because you already know it. And that's the extreme. But I can't tell you that on the phone today because I also, you've already told me something about your past that is in direct relation. conflict with that. So I would bring that to the therapist and say, I spoke to some money experts and they were saying that in this situation, normally I wouldn't have access to money. Something about that feels right, but how do I navigate that knowing that I came from this past where I was completely controlled? And that becomes the topic of the therapy. But the truth is you are an alcoholic who's in a bar right now and you've got money to spend on drinks. And so it makes sense that that needs to be taken away from you. Well, me and my husband even discussed like, he will never, like we've had the same bank account. I mean, we've been on the same ones since we've been married, but now it's like, we both want to do this. And I'm totally for, you know, getting our lives in order and getting, becoming debt free. And he's like, should I get another bank account? And just to, cause like I said, I'm a stay at home mom and he works, he makes the money and here I am just spending it like nobody's business. Should he get a bank account with just him on it and I have no access to it? Well, yes, for a period of time. And that's the thing. Only it's for a period of time while you get well. So there needs to be really clear parameters around that. What are the steps that need to take place for you to get care? What does success look like? Right. And just have really clear definitions and boundaries around what. positive movement forward looks like and what it has to look like for you to then gain access back. And then when you do gain access back, it's not all at once. It's little by little, right? So there needs to be such clear structure around this plan from all angles. And I think that will help you deal with it and you cannot feel a certain way because of your past. Right. And you can have a say in that. I mean, he's even tried going to like, he's told me no, he's taken the cards, he's working towards it to better us. He would never like tell me no if it was something that we absolutely needed. Sure. Then I go and run to my parents and I'm like, Hey, I really want this. And they need to be on the same page. So that means they need to be part of the plan too. This is almost like an intervention where the whole family or everyone that you've had gone to for money understands this is a real issue. It's like, if you were on drugs, the whole family knows what's going on. Don't give her money. That's going to throw her back in her treatment. But I commend you, Renee. I commend you because you know, you have an issue. You're calling and you're seeking help. Yes. I was going to say, the courage it takes for someone, I mean, honestly, to raise their hand, and the admission of it. Like, you're consciously very aware of what's going on. And that's the wild thing, though, about addiction. I'm like, I knew. I literally looked at my husband the other day. I didn't even say, like, hey, how was your day? He walked in from work, and my first words out of my mouth were, can we go spend money? Not, can we go to the mall and look for new clothes? It was, can I just go spend money? to that point now where it just fills this void in me. And this emptiness is when I see him and I want to feel secure and safe. I'm like, well, let's go spend money because you've been at work all day and I've been alone with the kids. Yep. Take me to spend money, you know? How long have you guys been married? Nine years. Okay. Because I do think as well, when that action stops and you don't, and he comes home from work and you guys don't spend money, then what you're forced with then is... To be in a home where it's quiet, there's not excitement happening, and you have to actually be with each other, and that's work in and of itself, right? I mean, that's a whole new dynamic that you're not numbing anymore. You're truly going to have to sit with Renee, and that's probably some of the scariest parts of this journey is reconciling who you are in the quiet. And I think your therapist, I pray you have a great counselor. I do. Because, good, I'm so glad. Because I do very much agree with the tactical side of this, of cut it off at its source. And you guys put some, just like what Jade was saying, and you be in on this discussion, Renee. Like, you and your husband sit down and lay out, okay, for 90 days, no questions asked. There's no, you can't have any access. You know what I mean? We're cutting up the cards. We're changing accounts. No access. And this is not out of harm. This is out of a healing process. And both of you sign your names. This is for the good of Renee. In 90 days, let's look up and see, okay, where are we at? How are we feeling? Do we need to extend it? Do we not? And you just continue to walk this journey. And he needs to speak to you, Renee, of how to rebuild trust with him. Because he doesn't trust you right now, as he shouldn't, right? And so for that part of your marriage to be healed. So that's another. The redemptive part of the story that I pray, I pray happens. And your counselor, you should almost not like your counselor because they hold you so accountable, you almost shouldn't like them. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.