My Husband Keeps Lying About Money

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. My husband and I have been married 12 years. Majority of those years, we don't do finances together, which is not my choice. And up until the last year and a half that we've been back together because we separated for six months due to DV, things have gotten much better except this area. There's been small changes, and I've had to set boundaries. We didn't... Filed taxes together this year to protect them, so I don't know what's going on. My question is, how much longer do I give grace and set boundaries before its ultimate comes down to, how do we want to do life moving forward? I think this is going to sound strange because you're called The Ramsey Show. But as I hear you lay out your story, money's a distraction from the real issue. Coming back from a domestic violence separation, the chief objective here is safety. And part of safety is physical. Part of safety is emotional and sexual, right? But part of safety is financial. And you can't pick and choose safety. Because as Van Der Kolk says, your body's keeping the score. So you can't say, I'm not going to put my hands on you anymore, but I'm still going to live my life this way and this way and this way, and you just got to deal with it. That means you're not addressing the full picture of safety. And so by just choosing to isolate out all the other ways he's continuing to gaslight you, not tell you the truth, live his own life inside of the house you all share together, inside of the marriage you all share together, do what he wants to do, except just not for this one pretty awful thing, and then kind of leaves you out to dry to feel crazy about it. The more you focus on just that one sliver. Your body's going to continue doing what it's supposed to do, which is ramping up the alarms, not letting you sleep at night, making you feel unsafe in your own house because you are unsafe in your own house. Yeah. I mean, domestic wise, I mean, like I said, God did a huge work. Otherwise I wouldn't have, he took full responsibility. Apologize. It's just this financial area where Where he's having... A hard time, even with his phone. It's just like this. He hangs on, like there's these things that he gives bits and pieces, but it's like. But that tells me he's still being deceptive. And that tells me he's still not ready to fully be your husband. Okay. Okay. And I know that sounds dramatic and I'm saying it that way intentionally on purpose. Okay. It's not a guy who's interested in doing life with you. It's a guy who's interested in trying to hang on to his marriage and he won't do this other thing anymore. Okay. And so part of you setting the roadmap for here's what it's going to look like for A, us to keep this marriage together and B, you to move back into my home. Did you know your personal info is getting bought and sold to people right now who use AI to target you with bizarrely personal scams and spam? Hey, George, are you interested in selling your house at 253 Sprague Street? Well, lucky for you, there's Delete.me. Delete.me, as the name implies, goes to hundreds of creepy data broker sites and deletes your personal info over and over all year long. I use and love Delete.me because I can't stop scammers from using AI, but I can make myself much more difficult to target. So go to joindeleteme.com slash Ramsey and get 20% off an annual plan or click the link in the description. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash Ramsey. He's not going to feel safe if he slams the laptop closed every time. You know what I'm saying? So you get to paint the picture of here's what safety is. Now, I'm going to tell you the hard part about doing this is you have to have an or what statement on the other end of that. Here's what I'm requesting as the path back to trust, the path back to us healing our marriage all the way. Not just you don't hit me anymore, but all the way. Is, here it is. Here's what safety looks like for me. Are you in? He could say, no, I'm not. I will never get there. And then you have an or what statement. Are you going to say, okay, I'm just going to, this is the marriage I'm choosing. I'm going to, I know for the rest of my life, I'm going to be on my own financially. I'm never going to file taxes. I'm going to keep my own retirement, my own stuff safe. If you want to make that choice, you're a grown adult and I'll still love you. Still be friends. Or if you say, these things happen, or... The marriage, I'm going to take your signal, your action steps as a language, behavior as a language. I'm going to take your action steps as you've left this marriage. You're no longer interested in being married to me and helping your wife feel safe in her own skin, in her own home. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I know it's harsh. I know it's real direct, but I can feel my own chest tightening up here on your behalf. Yeah. And I don't want any, especially, and again, I've just got history of sitting with women in this situation. I don't want the super bad thing to not be there anymore. And suddenly it wallpapers over all of the other things that make you feel unsafe in your own home. All safety matters. And there's no relationship. The baseline for any relationship at all. It starts with safety and trust. If you don't have those two things, you don't have a true relationship. You might have a co-partnership. You might be able to live autonomous lives right next to each other, real close, even share the same bed, whatever. But you don't have the true foundational relationship unless you have safety and trust. And you don't have either of those things because your husband won't play ball. Yeah, it's hard to not compartmentalize that, but I see what you're saying. I know, I know. But I want you to know your body doesn't compartmentalize it. Right. You're not wrong. Your mind does, but if he pulls into the driveway, does your chest tense up? Not as much as it used to. Okay. I want you to hear your language. Not as much, but yes. Yeah. Right? When the bills come every month, nobody enjoys opening bills, but are you in terror when you tear the bills open? No. Are you just annoyed? He pays 90% of them, but yeah. Okay. So all of this, everything I'm telling you is hard. It's scary. It's hard. All of it. I want you to choose the hard path that's going to get you to safety and trust. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Cool. All right. Well, thank you. You bet. I hate you're in this situation. Actually, Alyssa, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with three months free with our friends at BetterHelp. I want you to talk to a licensed professional therapist and you can start within 24, 48 hours. Somebody will see you just so you can have some, they'll be able to walk you through an actual action plan. What's this conversation going to look like? What's an, or what statement going to look like? What is managing the response going to look like? I want you to sit with a licensed professional and they'll be able to see you within 24, 48 hours. So hang on the line here. We'll hook you up with BetterHelp. Man, John, that's a heavy one. I like this method of going, what must be true for this relationship to continue? Most people never get to that point. They just sort of tolerate, they learn a new normal, and they go along to get along. Yeah, I think one of the most heartbreaking statements a person can make, especially inside of a marriage, is this is just the way this is going to be. This is just the way this is. And I always want to shake that snow globe and say, it doesn't have to be. And that often forces folks, especially in this situation, to say, okay, I don't want it to be like this anymore. And he says, well, I'm not changing. And if that is, I'm not going to remember to rinse the sink out after I shave, so there's always going to be little bitty hairs, right? Some of that you get over. It's annoying and whatever On big stuff like. Putting my hands on you, big stuff like I'm taking care of the money and you will never know where the money is, how much I owe, what our situation is, how much debt we have, how much gambling debt I have, how much other addiction debt I have. It's tragically unsafe. And so if somebody's violated the fidelity of a marriage, right? If someone's blown it up, whether through abuse, whether through infidelity, whether through financial infidelity. The person who's aggrieved, the person who says, okay, I want to rebuild trust, they lay out the map. Here's what it's going to take on a weekly basis, then a monthly basis, and then an annual basis. Here's what I want to see. And then the other person's got to say, I'm in or I'm out, right? And that's a tough place to be, especially, like I said, when something so bad has been happening. If that super bad thing's not happening anymore, it's really easy to drop your shoulders and say, I'll deal with all the other bad because this big thing's not happening anymore And man, I want to call her and her husband to a better way to live, man. A more peaceful, connected way of doing life. Everything in your life gets better. Whatever you think you're protecting by holding on, not sharing, not being honest, not being vulnerable, not... Whatever you think you're hiding there, whatever you think you're protecting, I promise you there's more peace on the other side of... Connectivity and honesty and exhale, right? That's the hardest part of marriage is letting go of those parts and letting someone see it all. See it all. And then praying, they look across the table and say, and I still choose you. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.