Dear Sensitive Men...(thoughts & reflections)

Dear sensitive men, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to uproot. Some of you have left already because you know this is from the bible and that's cool. Stay with me everyone else. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build. A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them. A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Good opposite. I wonder what the Hebrew is there. A time to search and a time to give up. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate and a time for war and a time for peace. Dear sensitive men, there's a time for everything and I'm on that list too of sensitive gentlemen. Gentle men. Sensitivity is a sense of gentleness and I wonder if you felt like this sensitivity is a burden for you. If it's something you've had to drag around. Something you've always had to cope with, work through. Something that gets in the way. Something, this sensitivity that holds you back. For a lot of us it holds us back because what are we taught? In society today if you are sensitive to the elements, if you are sensitive to emotion, if you are sensitive to the external world, well jeez you walk outside you're getting hit with a thousand arrows. It's a lot. Be quiet. Watch. It's a lot. We can call it overstimulated. You may have read the book Highly Sensitive People so you consider yourself an HSP and if you want to put yourself in that box, if it helps you out, go for it. I don't do those videos anymore and that's not how I have decided to be of service to people these days. I believe you are a unique individual brought up with a certain set of circumstances. You did your absolute best to survive and thrive and here you are now watching this video trying to make sense of why you are the way that you are. And the positive qualities sometimes you don't see. We're conditioned to only see the negative to focus on the problems and how to fix everything in ourselves. This is the masculine way isn't it? You know we got to cross the river. All right let's just go through on our boots. Let's build a bridge. That thing's broken. Let me fix it. I'm going to Canadian Tire. I'm gonna get the new ratchet set. I can't wait to fix the thing. It's awesome. We love fixing stuff psychologically. That's why therapy doesn't work for a lot of men because in good therapy, in good coaching, you're not fixing stuff man. You come to me and say, Scott I'm too sensitive. Please cure me of my sensitivity. I can't get out in the world anymore. Stuff's too overwhelming. I hate myself for feeling so much. I'm not. There's nothing to fix there. Can you see that? Can you see that there's nothing to fix within yourself? Only things to understand. Only a recovering of yourself from all the layers of shame because of your sensitivity. For judgment because of this sensitivity. For things that you've avoided due to this sensitivity. Which added on to the shame. Which added on to the thoughts. I'm not good enough. I can't fit in. I'm too much of this. I'm not enough that. And then we find ourselves in a position where we think I'm not good enough for the world. The world was not meant for me. Sometimes I walk down Queen Street and you know I think the same thing. This bar wasn't meant for me. I don't drink anymore really. I don't want to pay nine dollars for a ******* Bud Light. Okay. All these clubs on King Street. Those weren't meant for me. I never liked going. I just went because I thought I had to because I was young. I never liked the music. All these weed shops on Queen Street selling cannabis. I don't want to get high anymore. The commercial world and capitalism does not fit my interests anymore. I want to play guitar. I want to go down by the river. I want to see some good music and live concerts and I just want to watch the Jays win the World Series. Sometimes you feel like you're not part of the world because the world demands a certain demographic to join it. And if you're sensitive sometimes that's not you. Maybe a lot of the time that's not you. And then people search on Reddit for people like them and then you're in a world of trouble because those are guys in their basement just jerking off all day and you really don't want to be associated with that kind of person anyways even if they seem to be like you. Stay off of Reddit please for your own mental health. So what do you do with the sensitivity gentlemen? What do you do with it? And that's the ultimate question and that's the perfect question to ask which I'm sure you've asked yourself a bunch of times. What do I do with this Scott? What am I supposed to do? Meaning that there's some kind of action you have to take. There's some kind of prescription. Not in a medication sense but we're all for it. We're not against anything for treatment here. But what do you do? What do you do? I bet a lot of you like me have searched for the answer for a long time. You know in 2008 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder. And you can imagine me and I can imagine myself at 19 years old not knowing what mental health was. What the hell is a psychiatrist? Who is this guy in a suit telling me I got stuff? What does that even mean? I know I feel terrible but what is what there's pills for mood? Huh? What are you talking about? You can imagine that for years and years I searched. I searched for the cure for this. Yeah? I searched for the cure of what is the right way to be. Because obviously there's something wrong with me. So there must be something I can do about it and something to make me right now. And in a state of you trying to fix this sensitivity my friends it's pushing a part of you away from you. Instead of embracing the sensitivity we push it away because we don't like it. And when we get angry with ourselves we push it away. And we cry we want to push that away. And we feel embarrassed we want to push that away. We feel anxious we want to push that away. And with more pushing and less embracing and less acceptance well what happens to men all over the world? You've seen the news. You felt it yourself that the world isn't meant for me. So I'm going become bitter. I'm going to start hating other people because I don't like myself so much. I'm going to become so critical of every decision I make and everything I feel. And therefore other people will be able to sense this judgment that comes from me because I judge myself so harshly. Other people are mirrors into our own souls. You can see how this sensitivity can lead to a whirlwind and a spiral of ----. And it's until you realize and until you come to terms with not in a harsh way but in a almost a revelation that this sensitivity is a gift. Now right away you may have shut this off because you're like yeah I've been told that before Scott. One hell of a gift you gave me God. Shit and I'm four foot seven and I'm sensitive. Thanks God. Thanks for giving me a chance on hinge. Yeah that's the way gifts are. It's the most suffering you can possibly take for the betterment of others. At least that's what I've learned. You know and we get into trouble when this sensitivity doesn't have an outlet. The sensitivity has turned into criticism rather than creativity. This criticism is completely cyclical and it just stays within us and has no outlet. It's consuming. It's consuming instead of creating. And gentlemen you were born to create stuff. That's why you love fixing stuff. That's why you've tried to fix yourself for so long because in the process of that self-help book you thought I'm really getting somewhere. I'm fixing baby. Yeah. Tim the tool man Taylor. Let's fix it up. And you get that dopamine spike in that rush when you see that quote in that book called how to not be an ass piece of ----. And you're like wow this is really working. Thanks Deepak Chopra. And you finish the book. And what changes. What has really transformed. It's been a it's been a chemical high. And the change you're looking for is a transformation. It has to be. There's no other way. And I bet if you're a sensitive man that you've been through hell. I guarantee you dealt with anxiety and depression like I have. Sometimes there's no way around that only through it. And I don't mean to make light of these things. You know we're just having fun. We're having a chat together here. If any of my words have touched you in some way. Actually let me let me talk about that after. OK. So we've talked about how this can be a bit of a burden and put you into a ---- spiral. And then we go into fixed mode and read all those books. Yeah. And we watch all those YouTube videos. Yes. You think I'm talking to you. I'm talking to me. I watched all those YouTube videos. You watched one. I watched it twice. I know them all. You feel good in the moment. You got this sweet piece of advice. You try integrate it doesn't really happen. Works for a week. You feel good. You go back for more. It's the same thing. It's making your dopamine circuits real slippery and ready for the next one. We've been programmed to engage and to consume and we are in that feedback loop. The good news is you can keep doing that and you can get those momentary highs. But I know you're most likely searching for something more because with sensitivity you are filled with this urge and this continual search for something and you may feel something's off. You don't know what. And I've done everything right. But why do I still feel off. I followed the rule book. I did what my parents told me to do. I went to school, got a good education. Then I got a job and maybe I got married and have kids and what is I'm still not in it. I'm not. Where was the revelation. Where was the light coming down from the cloud saying you did it. You did everything you're supposed to hear is happiness, fulfillment and contentment for the rest of your life. I wish it happened that way. Unfortunately, it doesn't because the external can't always and rarely touches the insides. You know, people say you watch the guys channels. Yeah, you go to the gym, you get a six pack and then you look at yourself in the mirror and then there's this feedback loop of feeling better. I'm sure that happens sometimes. I'm sure it does. But if you're really critical about yourself and you have been for a long time, a physical transformation might spark something new. But what what will happen when you look in the mirror? Oh, I'm not big enough. Three times in the gym. No, you got to you got to go for more. No. And then you had a cheat day. Oh, you asshole. Why did you eat that? Why did you eat that pecan pie, baby? We were on a roll with this thing. We were four months in. We're doing creatine every day. Now you messed up. Now we're going back. Oh, my gosh. And we got to start over again. All right. This time I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to be ripped this time. It's going to work. There's there's no amount of worldly gain. There's nothing you can possess that can turn off that inner critic, because everything you gain, everything you get, no matter what money, no matter what woman, if you really don't like yourself. You've gotten compliments from people before. They hit off you like a sheet, like you have a shield. It was we've had to protect ourselves from the external because of the sensitivity. So even the good stuff that comes to us, like in Superman Returns, when that bullet slow mo hits his eye and just falls right off. So why would we expect us getting more money, more stuff, even a partner, even, you know, a new job that it would change everything within us? Because then you're not going to feel proud of yourself. And then you could have done better. You got the raise. But compared to that guy, I wasn't good enough. So what the hell am I doing? I'm not doing a good enough job. And that's where the pain is. That's where it is. It's not necessarily if you're watching this, you got an internet connection, you probably have a job, you're probably doing OK. You are. So the more stuff you gain. What is that? I got I got like another guitar and it made me happy for a bit. But just because I can play different ----, I was happy for a bit and then it turned into a tool that I use. That's really it. Your sensitivity is a gift when you realize that it's a gift for others. And then you play the game of how to control this thing, how to hold this thing, how to reassure this thing, how to tend to this thing. Picture sensitivity like a wound. Not in a bad way, not a freaking huge gash where your arm's falling off. No, that's like that's an acute sensitivity where some some traumatic thing just happened. But if you're sensitive, as we've been talking about, you got a little scrape on your shoulder. Yeah. And you go outside and down the street here is Trinity Bellwoods Park, beautiful park full of hipsters. You go play spike ball later. And even the sun hitting this wound, and even just a gust of wind comes in. Holy jeez. And then your buddy comes and pats you on the shoulder. What's up, man? Oh, my God. Sensitive. Now, what do you do for this wound to heal? Let's say it's a gash. It even needs stitches. Do you think you go to the hospital and the doctor's like, what the hell are you doing? And knocks you in the face and throws you down on the table. Get some stitches, put some anesthetic on them. Shut up, kid. And then he stitches you up and slaps you on the face. You're good to go. Now suck it up. Now, although I would pay to see a doctor like that, to tend it for yourself, even if it's not stitches, or if you go to the hospital, a regular hospital, doctors will be gentle with the damn thing. Okay. If it needs stitches, all right, sit down here, son. Let's see what you got. All right. We're going to need a few stitches here. Let's clean up the wound a little bit. Have a seat. Put on the gown. Put on the gown to make yourself feel real comfortable. And then, you know, they clean it up. They stitch you up. All right. You're good to go. Maybe take these antibiotics. Here's another tetanus shot. Hold on. One, two, three. It's just going to feel like a pinch. Wow. Did that doctor tend to your needs? Did they treat you with respect and dignity and send you on your way? To your sensitivity, to your wound even, how would you treat it? If you didn't go to the hospital, you'd go home. You'd be like, oh, damn. All right. Let's get a little cotton swab on there. A little maybe hydrogen peroxide. There we go. Okay. You know what? This baby just needs a Band-Aid. And maybe you're rich and you have liquid Band-Aids. Remember those? So you have the brush and just brush it on like that. Or maybe you have those big freaking, I don't know, plasters in the UK, right? And you just put the Band-Aid on and you're good to go. But a psychological wound and then the sensitivity you feel when you're anxious, when you feel low, when you feel embarrassed, left out, not included, when you're really struggling, when the existentialism comes at you like a punch to the damn balls. Marcus Mumford says, you know, then death is just so full and man so small. Well, I'm scared of what's behind and what's before. That always spoke to me. That one death is just so full. It's like, it's so close sometimes, you know, and sensitivity. How do we treat ourselves then? How do you treat yourself? Exactly. Nothing like the doctor and nothing like even a physical wound. No, you beat yourself up for feeling that way. And if you don't, what are you still doing here? You criticize because you believe that criticism is a strategy. You've taught yourself that criticism is a motivator sometimes, but in this case, really punch yourself in the arm and say, get along with it. Suck it up. Don't cry. Don't give it time. Don't be patient with it. It'll heal quick. Come on, man. And that's the secret to your sensitivity. What does it need? What do you need in times of sensitivity? And when you learn how to treat yourself in those moments, that's what transforms the rest of your life. Because in the lows of lows in the very sensitive times, when you know what you need and you know how to take care of yourself and you know how to treat yourself well, what a good feedback loop that is. How you get to treat yourself. People notice that, that you've accepted all parts of you, even the quote unquote flaws, even the parts that you don't like. That's full confidence. Confidence is that sense of reassurance and admiring almost the gifts that you have, that you possess. That's where the transformation happens. Dear, sensitive men, it's a gift. Learn how to use it. And the first step for that is be a good patient. Be a good patient to yourself. Be a good person to yourself. Be patient. Get it? Patient. Be calm. When that voice comes in, beating yourself up, chill. Chill. If you would like to know more about the specifics of dealing with that inner criticism, especially if you've identified with this video and experience this high degree of sensitivity as a man, there's a link in the description. And I'd love to chat with you about something I'm releasing soon. I doubt there'll be room, but you can go on a wait list for the next program that may happen in February, possibly late January. But let's see where you're at. And if this resonates with you, this is the work I'm specifically doing from self-criticism to self-compassion, from self-doubt to self-confidence. And no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know what you're thinking. Confidence, Scott? You mean the guys with the white beaters at the gym who do ******* steroids and you know, they entertain that real confidence, right, Scott? You call that confidence? You call that confidence? Well, we got to have a talk. That is called insecurity. Oh man, I had fun here. 23 minutes. Jeez, can we talk? And there's the sermon of the week. Nice to see you all. Take care of my friends. Gentlemen, I'll see you in the comments. Say hi. I'll probably do another video this week or next week, but it's been many, many months since I did. So it was a good ramble. Sensitivity is a gift. Use it.