Why you were lied to: and why it hurts so much

I'm Dr. Orion Teraban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is Why You Were Lied To. So, this is an experience that almost everyone has had at some point in their lives. They feel hurt and betrayed that they were lied to by someone that they cared about. In fact, this experience can hurt so much that people have taken to applying special psychomoralistic terms to it. It's not just that they were lied to, it's that they were gaslit and manipulated, which is a form of narcissistic abuse at the hands of a personality disordered individual, etc., etc. Obviously, this can occur. There are malicious bad actors in the world. However, the ubiquity of this kind of language just doesn't match up with the prevalence data as previously discussed on this channel. So, I think that a lot of this talk is a kind of exaggeration designed to communicate just how painful the experience in question was to the individual involved, as opposed to an accurate description of objective reality. In any case, if this has happened to you, I'm here to explain why this experience was so painful and what to do about it moving forward. Here goes. The bitter truth. The reality that we would prefer not to acknowledge is that this experience is not especially rare. In point of fact, you are lied to all the time. I don't know how else to put it. You're lied to by your government. You're lied to by your teachers. You're lied to by your parents. You're lied to by marketers and influencers and social media. You are being lied to all the ******* time. And the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of these lies don't hurt. They don't hurt you emotionally like the lies of that one person. Maybe you understood that you were being lied to like the town liar lies, right? But more likely, you were just not that interested in those lies. They didn't speak to you, as it were. So, it was easy for you to brush them off. But if lying were inherently painful, then all lies should hurt. And we know that that is not actually the case. Certain lies hurt far more than others. And you might think, well, the lies that hurt are those that came from people I thought I could trust. But even that might not be entirely true. Like your grandmother, who you trust would never hurt a fly, might have told you that you were a handsome little boy and that any woman would be lucky to have you. And I doubt that you were crushed by her betrayal. Like, Nana, we both know that that's not true. I thought I could trust you. Now, I don't know what to think. Was everything a lie? Et cetera, et cetera. So, I think this criterion is also insufficient to explain what's going on here. So, what is the cause? In my opinion, the reason why certain lies hurt and most lies don't is that the lies that hurt are the lies you wanted to believe. That's where you're most vulnerable, and your vulnerabilities are precisely where your greatest sources of potential pain lie. And I'm not saying this to rub salt in your wound. That is, that you in large part complicit in the pain you are currently experiencing. I'm saying this to help you get stronger and potentially prevent something like this from occurring in the future. Look, we all have our Achilles heels, places where we're especially vulnerable to being hurt. Now, imagine if Achilles, the Greek hero, took that self-knowledge seriously. Like, all he had to do was put a little plating on the back of his ankle, and he would have been indestructible. We don't want to ignore or deny our vulnerabilities or pretend they don't exist. We want to accept them and make reality-based accommodations so that we can confidently move forward with life. Make sense? So, the lies that hurt are the lies we want to believe. And what are the lies we want to believe? Well, the specifics vary from person to person, but in general, the lies we want to believe have to do with our ego ideal. Your ego ideal is the version of yourself you would like to feel that you are. I'll say that again. Your ego ideal is the version of yourself that you would like to feel that you are. Lies that pertain to your ego ideal are going to be both the most tempting to believe and the most painful to reveal. Look at it this way. The harshest criticisms occur when our own self-talk comes out of someone else's mouth. That is, these criticisms really hurt because, on some level, we believe them to be true ourselves. Or, at the very least, we lack accurate self-knowledge in that department, so the criticism creates a worm of doubt that forces us to question who we thought we were. If you didn't believe the criticism was true, or if you had already accepted that truth about yourself, you probably wouldn't react so negatively. So, criticisms are generally painful to the extent that we perceive them to be true, over and above whether the criticism is objectively true. By the same token, the lies that hurt the most generally aren't clothed in the guise of personal criticism. Far from it. They typically take the form of what you most want to believe to be true about yourself. These lies hurt because, initially, they don't. They feel really good. Why? Because they pertain to your ego ideal. Wow, I've never met a guy like you before. I think I've found my soulmate. You're the only one for me, forever and forever. And look at that. Suddenly, someone thinks that you are unique. Someone thinks that you are attractive. Someone thinks that you are lovable, etc, etc. What a feeling, right? When these self-concepts associated with your ego ideal get activated, you finally, finally get to feel the way you've always wanted to feel about yourself. Hooray! So, what's the issue? Well, it turns out that there are several issues, actually. In the first place, anyone who can succeed in making you feel the way you've always wanted to feel about yourself is going to be able to lead you around by the nose. You'll be so easy to manipulate. And if you're not careful, when you eventually realize that these kinds of statements were, shall we say, likely strategically employed for their instrumental value, you're likely to feel as though you were the victim of some bad person's malicious deceit. Though this is far from the whole story, truth be told, you probably played yourself. And, of course, up to the point of that disillusionment, you'll likely become emotionally dependent on this person. And he or she that giveth has the power to taketh away. Ideally, you want your self-concept to be founded on such accurate self-knowledge that neither praise nor criticism has the power to influence you. Otherwise, you're going to be on an emotional roller coaster, high on life when you hear what you want to hear and thinking of ending it all when you hear what you don't. Suffice it to say, but as an adult, no one, no one should have that much power and control over your emotional state. So, what's to be done? Well, I would highly encourage you to fearlessly examine what it is you would most like to hear. Not so that you can simply reject it out of hand should someone say it to you, but so you don't simply fall for a hook, line, and sinker either. The things you would most like to hear are probably different from the things I would most like to hear and vice versa. This is because these things have a personal psychology, life experiences, programming, and backstory, etc. The idea would be to keep these vulnerabilities in your awareness so that you can consciously practice patience and discernment when they become activated. This is also an invitation to greater self-awareness because once you really deeply understand who you are and really deeply accept what you understand, then both praise and criticism tend to lose their power. And this is a good thing. These things are like waves on the ocean. They come from somewhere else and they potentially have the power to take things way off course. The less you can be influenced by either praise or criticism, the more you can choose your own path according to your will, your values, and your reason. And that's a very good thing. In any case, that's why you've singled out specific lies in your personal story as being especially painful. So, my advice to you is to take your power back by acknowledging your role in your pain, learn the lesson this experience is trying to teach you about yourself, and move forward into a future where you appropriately account for your own vulnerabilities. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message because there's word-of-mouth referrals like that that really help to make the channel grow. I know you know somebody who needs to hear this, so, you know, help them out. Other value propositions. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content, no AI, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly can find out more on my website. There are also my books, The Value of Others, in which I explore the economic model of relationships, and my psychological novel, Starry Night, in which I explore the final weeks of painter Vincent van Gogh's life. There's also my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where, among other things, I host bi-monthly group consultation calls with a wonderful group of people. Check them out. All of these resources, the links to them are in the description below. A lot of good value to be found there. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.