Questions to ask yourself while dating

So often when dating, we ask the wrong questions. Things like, Do they like me? Before we even know if we like them. Or, What are they looking for? Before we have a connection. We make dating very them-centric. An approach that will serve us more, is dating with a desire to learn more about ourselves. Relationships are a mirror, revealing what we like, dislike, want, need, or cannot tolerate. Right? Dating's an opportunity to get to know someone's story, but more importantly, to shape our own. Very often, we come to dating with two bad habits, right? We're either trying to impress the other person, or we try to overly protect ourselves. This can lead to a bunch of bad behavior, like barely listening or expressing curiosity about the other person, being interrogative, having a shield up or a sword out, being argumentative or combative, etc. Now, I used to have a really intense anxious attachment style, and so I would often go on dates with this lens of like, What does this person think about me? And trying to prove that I'm worthy, or curate a perception of myself that I think they want and will like. And as a result, I would fantasize, and idealize, and like completely miss out on who this person actually was. I just had a vision of what I wanted, and slapped it on them, hoping they'd fulfill it. Now I know, you know, that being true to myself is the surest way to weed out who is meant for me. But it was a very hard pattern to break. Took me a couple of years. Now, what you want to do is, you want to de-center the people in your dating life, and center yourself. And you can ask that by going on dates, and asking yourself questions like, What side of me do they bring out? Who am I when I'm with them? How do I feel in their absence? Do I feel safe? Is my nervous system relaxed? And if you are feeling anxiety, really ask yourself like, Is that my side of the street? Is it an old wound that I'm bringing to the table? Or is it something that I'm really intuiting from their side? Really start looking at people for who they are, versus the meaning that you're making out of their behavior. Are they actually blowing you off? Or is this revealing that you have an unreasonable expectation for how quickly people respond? Now, when you do meet someone who you have a connection with, you're excited about, and you experience mutual reciprocity with, it is also important to ask yourself like, Can I accept this person as they are today? Because so many people go into relationships for the potential of someone. Which means that they ultimately have a desire to change them. And if you have a desire to change someone, you're not really seeing them. So I hope that all of these questions help you center yourself in dating, and find the person most aligned with you and who you are. I'm Anna Akana. Thank you to the patrons who supported today's video. And thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode. You guys know I love therapy. I'm a therapy simp, especially because it's really helped me with my sister's suicide, healing my attachment wounds, and just like operating from a healthier, more fulfilled, loving place. BetterHelp is the world's largest therapy service, 100% online. And with BetterHelp, you can tap into a network of over 25,000 licensed and experienced therapists who can help you with a wide range of issues. So to get started, you just answer a few questions about your needs and preferences in therapy, and then BetterHelp matches you with the right therapist from their network. You can talk to your therapist however you feel comfortable, whether it's text, chat, phone, or a video call. You can message your therapist anytime and schedule live sessions for when it's convenient for you. Now, if your therapist isn't the right fit for any reason, because you know, sometimes it's like dating, you can switch to a new therapist at no additional charge. With BetterHelp, you get the same professionalism and quality you expect from in-office therapy, but with a therapist who is custom picked for you, has more scheduling flexibility, and at a more affordable price. You can get 10% off your first month by going to betterhelp.com slash akana. That's better, H-E-L-P.com slash akana, or click the link in the description below. Bye.