#1 Question to Ask Yourself Every Time You Meet Someone New
I want to talk about a subtle but profound thing that people who successfully find love do
that other people don't. And by doing this, it allows them to find the right kind of person
far earlier, where other people keep running into the wrong kinds of people.
If you're new to the channel, welcome. I'm Matthew Hussey. I've been doing this for 17 years,
helping people find love through increased confidence and relational intelligence.
I'm the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Love Life, for those of you that don't know.
And for anyone who wants to join me in one of my events, you just missed one.
But there's good news. We have a replay of it. It happened on the 22nd of October. It was all
about how to go from casual to committed in a relationship. So if you want a long-term
relationship, check this out. The replay is only available for a few more days.
Go to lovelifereplay.com to watch it right now.
Okay. So the subject of today's video came out of a live I did on social media this week,
where someone asked me this question. An acquaintance of a few years has been texting
me every day for weeks. And when I tried to ask him out a week ago, he said no,
and that he's dating someone. He continues texting every day. What to do?
Have you ever been in a situation like this that you find confusing, where you're wondering
what to do? Why is someone behaving like this? How can I get their attention? How do I get them
to actually go out with me if it seems to be stalling in this way? Do you have a situation
right now in your life that you're finding confusing and are trying to work out what to do
next? All of those questions are the wrong questions. What I know about the woman asking
this question is that she is ignoring something fundamental. There's an implicit why is he doing
this in her question. There's an implicit what do I do now? What do I text him back? And there's
also kind of an implicit how do I get him to actually go on a date with me? But while her
focus is clearly being monopolized by all of these things, there is something she is not focused
on. And it's the most important thing there is when it comes to choosing a partner for our love
life, his character. And his lack of character is being revealed in the way that he is dealing with
her. This is a man that was texting her when he was dating someone clearly seriously enough to
say no to a date. And then when she asked him on a date because she was reading his signals as
him being interested, he said no because I'm dating someone. And then even after being very
clear that he's dating someone and therefore can't go out with her, he continues to text her every
day. How does this make the character of a person who is good to date? It clearly doesn't make him
good to date for the person he's dating. A person who I can almost guarantee doesn't know that he
is texting his acquaintance every day, despite the fact that that acquaintance clearly asked him
out and has romantic feelings for him. If she was connected to the ways that his character wasn't
living up to the character of the person she'd want to share her life with, she wouldn't be
asking me a question about this man in the first place. But she is by no means on her own in asking
this kind of question. In fact, it's incredibly common for me to field questions like this.
Why is that? It's because for so many of us, we are not taking culture seriously. What do I mean
by culture? The culture we create in our lives is really an external representation of an internal
value system. We develop and cultivate a culture in life by the choices we make and the people we
let close to us and surround ourselves with. And creating the right culture takes discipline
precisely because we have to make hard choices that may involve saying no to people who feel
attractive, interesting, or like they're giving us some kind of short-term seductive reward,
but don't actually live up to the values that we hold dear. When I was a teenager, many people
don't know this about me, but I used to be a DJ and I DJ'd for about 10 years. So I was playing
out one night and there was a group of older guys. I was a kid, right, albeit a kid that was sort of
dressed up, you know, in gold chains and whatnot. I was doing the whole look with a hat and everything
and I was a late bloomer, so I was also quite small at that time. So this group of guys came
over to me and were sort of hovering around me, close to the DJ stand, and at first it was
intimidating because I was like, what's this group of guys all doing standing beside me the whole time
I'm DJing? But then one of them, sort of, David, I feel like we can throw up some sort of Jason
Statham-esque image, you know, like that kind of character, sort of leant over and said, you all
right boy, got some skills there, ain't you? Good DJ, yeah. Listen, we've got a pirate radio station
and I'd love to get you on there, be a big opportunity. And when I said to him, I mean, that
sounds really exciting, like, wow, that sounds like, that sounds fun. I was just giddy as a teenager.
He was like, see, I knew you'd love the opportunity. Sharp as a tack, you are, ain't you?
This was someone, by the way, that simultaneously I felt so excited to say yes to and felt it would
be a bad idea to say no to, but I skipped home. I remember going back and talking to my dad about it
and going, this group of guys came over to me, they've invited me to go and have my own slot
on this pirate radio station, it's a really big deal. I knew the station, I was already a fan of
the station, but the further away I got from that conversation with Jason Statham, the more I
the more I came to realize that this wasn't a crowd that I necessarily wanted to be around,
that there was something about the value system of this group of people that my intuition picked
up on that wouldn't be good for me. James Hollis has a question, a question I was turned on to by
Oliver Berkman who wrote the new book Meditation for Mortals, great episode with him coming out
on the podcast, by the way. He has a question that goes like this, will this opportunity diminish
or enlarge me? And obviously as a teenager I wasn't asking myself that specific question,
but on a visceral intuitive level I had this sense of this isn't going to be good for me,
this isn't going to bring me into contact with the kinds of people that will enlarge me, that this has
the potential to diminish me or even immerse me in a culture that I don't want to exist in.
My point in all of this is that throughout our lives culture is actually one of the hardest things
to cultivate. It takes real effort, it takes real energy and it often requires us to say no
to things that our ego wants to grab. The way I see culture is that if we keep feeding the right
culture, if we keep paying attention to that intuition, if we keep paying attention to people's
character, to people whose values reflect our highest values and people who don't seem to have
those values and we make decisions on that basis, our life will get better and better over time.
Sometimes it feels like in the short term we're taking a step backwards. Just in the case of this
person whose question I answered on the live, I know that my answer to her meant that in the
short term she would stop texting someone that she had come to enjoy texting. Even though it wasn't
ultimately satisfying to her, there was some kind of reward it was giving her on a daily basis.
So it doesn't often feel good to stand behind the culture we want to create. But long term
our entire world becomes a real tangible reflection of the values we hold dear and the
people in our lives. From the person we choose to spend our life with romantically, to our friends,
to our colleagues or the people we hire if we have a business. Everyone will end up being a
reflection of your culture. A culture that your life is evidence of you taking seriously. Have
you ever had a friend or someone you know who has introduced you to different people and every new
person they introduce you to makes you realize more and more that this person just surrounds
themselves with amazing people, kind people, interesting people, lovely, compassionate,
warm people. Have you ever felt that? I know I have. What you know is that that person takes
the culture of their life seriously and then from the outside you end up going man how is it everyone
you know is so lovely. It's because they've cultivated that over time. The people in life
who not only find love but find it with people who make them happy in relationships that last,
take culture seriously. They are disciplined and willing to be ruthless and do the hard
things when it comes to saying no to people who may feel sexy and exciting or rewarding in the
short term in favor of waiting for someone or proactively searching for someone who actually
represents the values they care about and that doesn't just take effort and discipline. It takes
guts. It takes guts to say no to the opportunity that is in front of you resting only on some kind
of faith that at some point someone better, someone with more character, someone more in line with
the way you are will come along. But I believe that if we can create space in our lives that
faith gets rewarded but the right person can never come in if we never create that space.
Love needs space. To this day one of the greatest compliments I ever received about my relationship,
my marriage to Audrey is that along the way the people that knew me the best and the people that
cared about me the most when they met Audrey said it makes sense. It makes so much sense why you
chose Audrey and why you two are together. Even to the extent by the way that the people that know
me best in my audience. One of the loveliest things is how many of you listened to Audrey
on the podcast and then emailed us and said oh my god I mean it just makes complete sense.
That's because me and Audrey have the same culture and sometimes you have to wait a little longer
to find that person who fits with your culture and you have to say no a little more
and when nothing's happening in your love life in the short term that can feel like a thankless task.
It can feel like a thankless thing to have to do to keep saying no when it doesn't feel like
there are any other opportunities around. That's what makes it brave. But the rewards for being
brave are profound. For those of you that want to be brave in your love life and want to find not
just a relationship but a relationship that lasts because the person you find fits with your culture
go over to lovelifereplay.com because the entire session that I did on October the 22nd live with
thousands of people was really at its deepest level about finding someone whose character
fits with the culture of your character your life and when you find someone like that those are the
relationships that go the distance. So come join me if you're sick and tired of coming up against
the wrong culture in dating and the wrong people but you want to find the right one and know how
to bring an energy that creates more commitment. Come join us. I look forward to seeing you there
and thank you as always for watching this video. I look forward to reading your comments.