You Must Be a “Selfish” Man for a Loving Relationship…

Good day gentlemen. I've been with my girlfriend for almost eight years and we've built this deeply loving and peaceful and passionate relationship together. But it wasn't always like this man. We struggled a lot early on and the honest truth is I had to become a selfish man to build this loving relationship. And in a second you'll have a much better understanding of what I actually mean when I say selfish because I don't mean doing some childish crazy degenerate bullshit. Because you're a good man. I know it. You have a good heart and I'm the same way and I want to help you actually use your big heart in an effective way. Because you've likely already experienced how always trying to be selfless and prioritizing her and maybe even putting her on a pedestal doesn't actually help you build the relationship that you want. But at the same time you also don't want to be this tyrannical man, this jerk, because that's just not you. And brother I was stuck in this exact same situation around six years ago with my girlfriend and today I want to share four of the most life-changing lessons that I had to learn. Brutally honest, no bullshit lessons that actually helped me build the relationship I truly want. We'll get right into this as always. Lesson number one is that selfish people are more trustworthy than selfless people and trust is the key ingredient to build a loving relationship. But why are selfish people more trustworthy? Well there's two very important reasons. Number one, being selfish has a certain level of risk attached to it. And the ******* rescue helicopter is starting like in every video recently again. I don't know if you can hear it but anyway it has a certain level of risk attached to it. Simply put, if she wants you to do something but you don't want to do it and you tell her that you don't want to do it, you risk getting into argument. You risk her being upset, all that stuff. And as humans we know that nobody would take this risk if it wasn't actually worth it. And so we instinctually trust someone who stands up for themselves more than someone who always tries to please everyone. Because we know that this people pleaser is just acting from fear. And trust me your woman knows you well enough to see whether you're making this decision because you want to or because you want to avoid conflict with her. And the second reason for why we trust selfish people more than selfless people is because unless you're Buddha or Jesus or Krishna you're not actually selfless. Whatever we do as humans for other people comes with certain expectations for the other person to return the favor. And when they don't meet those expectations we start to resent them without even wanting to. I fell into this trap many times myself unfortunately and I'll go deeper into this later on but for now let's first go deeper on how being selfish is risky and therefore makes people trust you more. And this leads me to lesson two because we've already said that when you say no to her, when she asks you for something and you don't want to do it and you tell her you don't want to do it, you risk conflict. You risk her getting upset. You risk her shutting down emotionally. You even risk her breaking up with you right? Well funnily enough if you're with a woman who's actually good for you the exact opposite will happen. She will trust you and love you more. Let me explain. Look I was terrified of saying no to her because I didn't want to lose her but after our honeymoon phase where everything was so lovey-dovey our relationship grew more and more shaky and unstable and so my fear of losing her just grew bigger and bigger. But then pretty quickly another problem started. The relationship was holding me back from building the business that I was building at the time. I had really big goals and I wanted to just honestly work all day on this business but she wanted to spend a lot of time with me and I didn't want to upset her so I did spend that time with her because I was scared of conflict. But pretty quickly the business stagnated and also it seemed like she didn't even enjoy the time we spent together. So one day I mustered up the courage to actually tell her that I'd rather spend my time working on my business than with her right now and while I was preparing for conflict and like bracing for impact she just said okay yeah sure have fun. I was like what like she doesn't mind at all what the f**k and then funnily enough the next day when we did spend time together she funnily enough enjoyed that time way more and she told me how much she enjoys that time and she was so loving and simply trusted me more. And now looking back if you actually look at what I did this makes complete sense because all I did was I was honest I showed integrity and so of course that makes her feel more emotionally safe around me and makes her more open and more loving towards me. I've said this before and I'll say it again because so many men have still not understood this. If you don't say no to her when you want to say no she will lose trust in your yes and this ties into a much bigger principle. If you don't do what you want to do she will see that and she will see that you're not living with integrity and she will lose trust in you as a person. And of course there are women not just women people in general who don't like when you disagree with them and this is why like I said this only works when you're with a woman who's actually good for you. But what's the other option? Because if you get into a relationship with a woman by hiding who you truly are man you are in for some real existential pain later on because she doesn't even know who you are. The man she fell in love with doesn't even exist and you will not be able to receive any of her love because her love isn't even meant for you it's meant for the mask that you've put on. But anyway the reason my girl said that she enjoyed that time that we spent together on that day that I mentioned earlier is because I was actually fully there. Because up to this point I would spend time with her even though I hadn't finished my work yet and so I would be with her physically we'd be in the same location but mentally and emotionally I'd still be in the office. I would still be thinking about the work that I hadn't done yet and so I wouldn't actually be there for her and there with her fully and of course she doesn't feel fulfilled by that of course she feels disconnected and that's why she continued to ask for more time even though we already spent so much time together because that time that we spent together wasn't actually fulfilling for her for good reason. Brother the simple truth is you need to be honest about what's important to you despite how she might react and that takes a certain level of courage but she will see that courage and a good woman will trust you more because of it because she can see that you're staying true to yourself despite possible negative consequences. I'm not saying she will always like your decisions but she will understand that if you're willing to take this risk that means that this is actually important to you and quick side note when you stand up for yourself she will also naturally understand that you will stand up for her as well and that will grow her trust in you even more. Now I want to spend the rest of this episode going deeper and deeper into this so that you fully understand this and so that you can actually build this loving relationship that you actually want and that leads me to lesson number three which is the purpose of this so-called selfishness because when you understand this you will never feel like or come off as a tyrannical manipulator or anything like that because prioritizing what's important to you, setting healthy boundaries, saying a loving no to your woman when you want to, to simply make sure that the relationship doesn't drain your own cup. That's not the same as tyranny don't mistake the two and keep this metaphor of your own cup filling your own cup in mind because I'll continue coming back to this. Look yes a tyrant says no to his woman when he wants to and a loving man also says no to his woman when he wants to so what's the difference? It's their intention. The tyrant says no because he doesn't want to give her any of his own water. The loving man says no because he wants to fill his own cup to the point where it overflows and it's easy for him to give water to the people around him that he loves. A loving man simply understands that if he lets people drain his cup he will not be able to be there for them when they need him and one of my clients he recently sent me this youtube channel called the natural edge and it's this guy who was in the special forces who basically in one of his videos explained how when he was on a mission 99% of his time would be spent filling his own cup, working out, recovering, sleeping, hanging out with the other guys, playing card games, playing video games, whatever it might be. Why did he do that? Well because when it comes to it, when he needs to be in the fight, when he needs to be out there he needs to be a hundred percent ready. Not eighty percent, not ninety percent, a hundred percent. If he doesn't focus on his own needs he won't be able to help others in need and it's the same exact thing in a relationship because what happens if you try to play this hero, try to be this hero and always try to be there for everyone around you until your cup is empty? Well in a relationship it will only lead to resentment on both sides. You will resent her because it seems like your love is never enough for her but she will also resent you because you're not fully there for her. The harsh reality is your cup is empty so while you might feel like you're doing a lot for her the impact of what you're doing isn't actually big because you have no water left to give, no love so whatever you do can't be enough because your own cup isn't even full, you have no water to give to her. It's like you're doing a burnout with a car, your tires are spinning like crazy but you're not going anywhere. Before I made this switch I was spending so much time with her but for the past six years we've actually spent a lot less time together but the time we do spend together is consciously chosen and we both fully want to be there instead of actually deep down wanting to be somewhere different like before. I mean David Data, he said this decades ago, I'll quickly read this quote from one of his books here. Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn't into it. So in reality only a man who is selfish regularly can be truly selfless because when you always say yes to her not only will she feel your weakness and your lack of confidence and your lack of self-trust but you will also start to resent her and she will start to resent you and that will lead to disconnection in the relationship and this is likely what you've already experienced. When you're being nice to avoid conflict that will only make you bitter and bitterness that's what actually makes you selfish and dangerous and impulsive. So it is paradoxical but by developing your inner selfishness you actually become a lot less selfish in the end. Now as always lesson number four is by far the most valuable most important lesson in this entire video because I always keep the most life-changing lessons to the end of these videos so only guys like you who are fully committed to actually improving their relationship only guys like you get these lessons and so for lesson four I want to go a bit spiritual and then bring it back and make it actionable for you so that you can actually use this in your life and in your relationship because look we all have a dark side including myself that's the truth we are all capable of doing really dark stuff the question is whether we learn to control our dark side or whether we try to hide from it this is what the great Carl Jung spent a big part of his life uncovering the fact that if we try to hide from something or try to bury it it will often come out in much stronger ways without our conscious control and you've likely experienced this maybe you've seen it in other people maybe even in yourself you've heard these stories of the pastor who has suppressed his own sexuality his entire life and then it comes out in really dark ways towards children without that pastor wanting this or the person that everyone thinks is such a kind and nice and loving person but in reality this person has just suppressed their anger for decades and then when someone cuts them off in traffic they kill that person in road rage these things happen because whatever we suppress for a long time will come out a lot stronger without us actually wanting it to come out and this doesn't just go for these big really dark things it also goes for small everyday things in relationships this is why the typical mr nice guy is often anything but nice behind closed doors whatever builds up inside eventually has to come out this is the guy in a relationship who always does everything for his woman in the hopes that she will eventually also meet his needs but he never has the courage to actually tell her what he needs from her and so she doesn't know and so she can't meet his needs and his resentment will grow bigger and bigger until he has this anger outburst that just comes out without him even really wanting that and really hurts her for most men this happens in small ways they go through this cycle of letting small things build up until it's this big thing because they don't want to ruin the mood with a difficult conversation and they don't have the courage to tell their woman what's actually bothering them until every few weeks they explode and i know this because i've been in this cycle myself and for a lot of men their relationships don't even start with them being this nice guy but they become this nice guy because of some event that happens in the relationship where they have to take care of their woman for a bit and kind of are forced to neglect themselves for a bit for example one of the clients i'm currently working with his girlfriend had this accident a couple years ago and she was in the hospital for two weeks in a coma and of course during that time he just wanted to be by her side which is a very good and very understandable thing but of course like during that time not but but of course during that time he neglected his hobbies he neglected his friendships he neglected himself which makes sense it's very understandable and very good that he did that but then when she got out of the hospital he never made the switch back he got stuck in this mode of operating like this in the relationship and until we recently uncovered this he continued to just be there for her and neglect himself and this anger and this resentment continued building up within him and then it came out in unhealthy ways towards her without him even wanting that or take me as an example i haven't talked about this much publicly but anger was running my life for a long time see i was heavily bullied by a whole group of bigger and stronger guys for eight years straight back in school and at home i didn't really feel safe either because there were a lot of fights and shouting and doors being slammed all this kind of stuff and the truth is back then i wasn't able to deal with this anger when we're young it's very difficult if not impossible to deal with these heavy emotions and so either they will come out instantly or we bury them and hide them for years for me personally i tried to suppress everything i became the good child to not burden my parents even more and unfortunately this anger continued building up and often came out in unhealthy ways i did things that i really regret thankfully never anything really bad but i certainly had moments where i wanted to do really bad stuff so when i became old enough to actually handle these emotions i thankfully started tackling this and i made progress quickly but this was anything but easy for example a couple years ago i mean probably four years ago i think i had this one kind of guided inner work session where i uncovered this side of myself that was just filled with rage it wanted to like it just had this like lust for revenge towards the people who had hurt me and when i saw that part i was scared at first but i was like what that is not me like what the **** dude i'm a very warm and loving person that's not me but when i learned okay no this part is something that is within me and i can integrate this and i can understand this more that actually helped me a lot to actually be the person that i truly want to be to be the man this kind loving warm man who is able to set boundaries not from anger not from resentment but from a healthy place like dude it's life-changing this kind of stuff because the more i did this inner work the more i gained conscious control over my anger and nowadays i notice this anger building up when there is for example conflict in my relationship and i can simply express this anger without letting it hurt her i can calmly and lovingly tell her that i feel angry without letting the anger take over and explode and hurt her and through all of this i've built up an immense capacity to feel love and peace and joy and to also receive those things from her because the truth is your woman can't give you something that you don't first give yourself or more specifically she can't make you feel something that you don't allow yourself to feel first for example if you don't respect yourself she can show you all the respect in the world but you won't be able to even see it or a lot of men say they want their woman to give them peace but in their own head there's only war and so their woman can give them all the peace in the world but they won't be able to even see it let alone receive it and how are you going to take care of her well-being if you can't even take care of your own well-being brother the best possible outcome for her is that you can truly take care of her when she truly needs you and you can only do that if you are selfish in the way that we said in this video if you make sure that your cup is full because there will come a day where her parents die and if you haven't been able to fill your own cup recently then you will desperately try to give her love to make her feel better to make her feel okay and you will fail miserably because your own cup is empty because you have nothing left to give please imagine that for a second and then please make a promise to yourself that you will never never let it get to that point and if you want to learn more about how to build a relationship where both of you fill each other's cups instead of emptying them then it's your lucky day because i recently filmed a one hour free episode a step-by-step guide that will teach you exactly that so you can go watch that right now and i'll speak to you soon have a great day