The Golden Relationship Ratio

Gottman and Gottman, a married couple and a pair of relationship researchers, are famous for predicting with 94% accuracy which couples are going to last together or not, all from just observing the couple in conversation for 15 minutes. I have talked about Gottman and Gottman before, particularly about their findings of the four tell-tale signs that your relationship is doomed, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. But Gottman and Gottman also have the inverse, what's known as the golden relationship ratio, So the golden relationship ratio states that in happy couples, every negative interaction needs at least five positive ones to offset it. In order to tell if the magic ratio in your relationship is imbalanced, G&G recommend paying attention to, and even writing down, how you and your partner interact with each other. For every negative interaction, are there several positive interactions afterwards? And if you take note, literally take note of each exchange within a day, are you exceeding the 5-1 ratio, positive to negative? So unhappy couples, they say, tend to display a lot of the negative behaviors like criticism, bad feedback, unappreciation, lack of affection, or even just like uninterested behavior. And their negative interactions usually way outweigh the positive ones. So let's say you are, you've done this, you like took notes in your journal every single day and you're like, Oh God, I don't have the magic relationship ratio. And you're skewing negative. How do you increase the positives in your relationship? Well Gottman and Gottman recommend six key things. One, show interest in your partner. Are you really listening? Are you showing that you're listening? Are you interested in what they have to say? Are you providing intentional compliments? And can you find opportunities to agree and engage on common ground? Two, show affection. Whether it's physical words of affirmations, smiling, helping with chores, or just doing something thoughtful. Three, lighten things up. Be playful. Joke. Enjoy each other's company. Can you guys have fun together? Can you plan a date for you both to enjoy? Four, show them they matter. When they're upset or excited about something, are you supportive or encouraging? Are you showing care and concern verbally and emotionally? Are you empathizing with them, acknowledging and validating their feelings? Gottman and Gottman say that aiming to increase your positive interactions by being intentional in your communication and engagement works wonders in rebalancing your relationship's magic golden ratio. And I also think that what they have found is very applicable to friendships, relationships with family, your pet, like any kind of relationship at all. We all want to have more positive interactions than negative ones. And obviously, this does not mean like be conflict avoided or be fake or self-betrayed just to make sure you're having a positive interaction on the surface, because in fact, doing any of those things will probably inherently make the interaction negative because now you're being a dishonest liar. But since hearing about the golden relationship ratio, I've been making more of an effort to be intentional in my relationship and to aim to create positive interactions. Like am I putting my phone down when my partner's talking? Am I asking questions about something that's very clearly important to them? Am I being supportive and encouraging and most of all, present? Since becoming more aware of this, I realized how many times I've just let bids for connection kind of like fly over my head. So now I'm making a real effort to spot them, to catch them midair, and to create a more positive, fun, playful environment for any human in my life, because most of the time I'm a goblin. So thank you, Gottman. I'm working on it. Yay. I'm Anna Akana. Thank you to the patrons who supported today's video. And as always, thank you to My Father's Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode. My Father's Squarespace makes it easy for creators to monetize their content and expertise in a way that fits their brand. With Member Areas, you can unlock a new revenue stream for your business and free up time in your schedule by selling access to gated content like videos, online courses, or newsletters. Plus, online booking and scheduling is available, making it easier than ever for clients to schedule classes or sessions. They have easy access to your availability, and they can reschedule online, taking the hassle out of coordinating calendars. If you're a content creator like myself using video, they have Video Studio, where you can create pro-level videos effortlessly. 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