"How Do We Get Our 25-Year-Old To Grow Up?"

Brought to you by CHM, a budget-friendly, faith-based alternative to health insurance. chministries.org slash budget. My wife and I recently retired, and we've got a 25-year-old son who, everything's great except for, I guess he's a little bit delayed to launch, and about two months ago he finally got a job, you know, after not having one for years. And my wife and I's only difference is really in anything is she is of the opinion that we should continue to pay for all sorts of things, rent and everything like that. And her position is that, you know, she grew up very poor and ended up being very successful and she wants him to not experience any of those things that she did. And I'm of the opposite opinion. I think that a little bit of struggle is healthy. for a young man growing up. Where has his struggle lied? I don't, where did he struggle? That's a good question. He hasn't really, you know, he hasn't really, he's, Uh, he's been very well taken care of for sure. Um, and, uh, that's why it's, I guess that's really why there's a, we have that difference there. Yeah. I think, you know, this pains me so, and I can tell that it bothers you. One of the things that I'd want to highlight if I were talking with your wife is, you know, she's kind of projecting her own experience on him and that's not his experience at all. You said she grew up poor. He's not, he has not been poor a day in his life. And it sounds like she, and she became successful. She worked hard out of the struggle and look what it afforded her. And he hasn't worked yet until it looks like two months ago, he got his first job. So I would really push back on the reasoning there. And then the second thing, and I'm saying this, cause I hope that you play this call for her. Um, the second thing that really bothers me about this is every day that she says to a 25 year old or a 24 or a 23 year old, I'll cover you. I'll take care of it. You don't have to work. It's too hard out there for you. She is stealing bits of his confidence from him because she's saying you can't make it. And I, I don't think you can do it on your own. So why try? That's the message That's what I've really tried. It's just trying to find that. I was kind of worried, am I being too strict or something, because it was, you know, I mean, we obviously have, you know, quite a bit of capability to help him, you know, his hand, though, and we have, you know, a good bandwidth. I'm Being too strict or something, which I don't think it is, starting but I think she definitely does. It's not, I mean, when you do strict, it's actually loving your adult child to be an adult. This is what the world is. And Jade is right. to Every moment that you guys continue to step in and save him. speak Over and over and over and again, the level of entitlement that really starts to grow now. of what he is going to expect. Every year, it's the same story. Your health care premiums are going up, yet you can't even control your choice of doctors. That's where Christian Health Care Ministries comes in. CHM is a health cost-sharing ministry where members share each other's medical bills. Their program starts at just $115 a month. And y'all, listen to this. CHM is not raising their prices this year. So visit chministries.org slash budget and use promo code Ramsey for 50% credit towards your first month's membership. Or click the link in the description. I was hearing someone say this the other day. I thought it was so brilliant. She was talking about kids and entitlement, but she said kids that are entitled. They have a fear of frustration because they've never... Yes, I've heard that. Because they never have been able to cope with frustration. The moment frustration enters, a parent comes in and solves the frustration so the little child doesn't feel frustrated. Then they grow up to be an adult. And she gave the example of being at the ticket counter at American Airlines. And they're like, well, I'm a medallion backflip silver member. How am I not upgraded? And they're frustrated. Somebody fix my life. Somebody step in and fix this because I can't cope with my own frustration. You've literally, he's, he emotionally. And economically, it's like a 12-year-old Phil. That's the son. You know what I mean? And no woman is going to find that very attractive. I agree with you there. I agree with you there. That's not been my experience for sure. Yes. So what do the conversations with you and your wife look like, Phil? Because you sound like a very nice guy. You sound very level-headed. But she, I guess, has a lot of passion about this because her way has won so far. Yeah. I mean, this is literally the only issue we've ever had. I mean, we're very, uh, agreeable and accommodating on almost every other front, but, um, she just, um, I think it's a natural, like, it almost feels like a natural, uh, like a reaction. I don't know. Cause she just does it. She always finds a way to justify. She'll take care of it. She'll intervene. Is he an only child? Yeah. Yeah, he is. Yeah. I, I, I just, obviously I feel like we're, we're going past you and we're speaking past you and speaking to her because I, I think you understand it, Phil. I think, you know, what must be done. The hard part is, is getting her on board. Have you had, what are your conversations like with your son? Because here's the other, this is the other road. If you can't get your wife to say, Hey, agree with me that we're kicking, you know, little Johnny out, then now Now you can go to Johnny and say, hey, you know, here's. Here's what I'm experiencing and here's what I want for you. And I would love if you took the initiative for yourself. Yeah. You know, I think in the past he was been much, much, much younger. He kind of played us. Probably, you know, I mean, he was a teenager and back in the day and that sort of thing. And he played it against us. You know, of course, he wants it all. But I'm hopeful, you know, first job really, you know, just a couple of months in here. But maybe, yeah, get some real world experience out there. And there needs to be a written timeline of, OK, you know, you don't kick them out tonight, but you guys need to look and say, OK. Okay. By January 15th, you're going to have your own apartment. You know what I mean? Like, here are some timelines because it's good for him. And Phil, I mean, and for your wife, too. I'm like, for you guys to be on the same page, yes, is very ideal. But it also doesn't sound like you rarely step in. And, and. Well, yeah, like, hey, this, this is harming our child, right? This is not putting in a pool or not. This is like a big, big deal. Yeah, this is failure to launch. This is Matthew McConaughey. I mean, like, this is this is the story, like, this is literally playing out right in front of us. And it doesn't end well, it doesn't end well. And so the frustrations, the struggles, all of that has to happen in life, right? And people have it at different degrees. But you are not immune to suffering in life. You're going to get it one way or the other. He's either going to feel it once he's married and his marriage is hard or parenting is hard or his job is hard. He has to have some level of endurance and grit. And you have to experience that. And by just buffering, putting pillows around him his whole life, it isn't going to do that. Rachel, I love that you said that. And I want to... Double click on that because it's so true. Pain is so necessary. And the more you feel your tolerance for it grows and you can handle more of it. But we both had babies, you know, when you, when that epidural hits and you're like, okay, you're feeling good. But then if it wears off and that pain hits you all at once, you're like, I. I can't function. I've never had to function under these circumstances before. But if you let the pain build little by little by little, you can actually learn to adapt. You learn to cope with it. You learn to push through it. And it creates, you know, perseverance, perseverance, character, character, hope. Scripture talks about like, like there's a progression in life. And if you don't allow people to go through those progressions, they don't get to be who they were meant to be. I mean, like the fullness of who they are. And so, oh, Phil, Phil, Phil's wife, if you're watching or listening to us, we love you. But let 25-year-old, let him go. Let him go, cut him loose. He'll find a great woman, hopefully get married, maybe have babies. He'll get grandbabies out of us. God willing. It's killing. 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