My Husband Is Ruining Our Finances

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. How can I, I know I'm about to cry, how can I set boundaries with my husband's spending to help our marriage be healthy and strong but also financially protect our kids and our goals? Tell him he cannot serve in Congress any longer. Sharon, what's it what's it look like the spending that you're talking about? I mean it's got you in tears so it must be extreme. Yeah. What's it look like? We have been trying to do the baby steps for eight years. He keeps not keeping promises. This is our third time trying to get out of debt. We use EveryDollar. We've tried marriage counseling with church leaders. I had to sign a contract because I was so desperate. We've got allowances, wealth planning, therapy sessions, weekly budget meetings. Nothing's working. We're trudging through $3,000 of minimum debt payments each month. So the techniques you're attempting are not the problem. No. It's the fact that you're not doing any of them as a family because he keeps breaking the contract, not following through on EveryDollar, not following through on getting out of debt. And so what's broken? I mean, anybody said looked at him and said, dude, what is up with you? No, because anytime I try to bring something up, I get two answers. The first answer is you just need to be patient and compassionate with them. Or the second answer goes off the other deep end, which is you need to make a secret account and have a lifeful bank account that's secret from him. But I don't believe in keeping secrets from my husband. Well, there's a third answer and that's divorcing. Which I don't think that we're at that point because I still love him very much. Well, you just told me eight years of misbehavior and you called a show and talking to strangers and the first thing that happens, you start crying. You're not in a good place. And you said I realized that most of it is my enabling behavior. I don't think it's enabling behavior. I think it's it's it's it's more that you he doesn't believe that there's any consequences for continuing to destroy his family. Plus, Sharon, there's no way that this behavior is just siloed to money. No, I'm pretty sure addiction. Yeah. Because at this point, like finally, I'm calling it what it is. It's addiction. Now, let's talk about what you said before, because you said the advice you're getting is on both ends of the spectrum. I do think in in instances where there's some sort of addiction, whether it's gambling, pornography, whatever it is, there does need to be a separation of finance. I'm not saying it has to be done secretly. As there does need to be a hard cut where you're keeping the money safe for you and the family. You're the one that's having primary control over it because until he's not well, until he's not well and he's not able to participate today. If that's what's really going on, I don't know if I'm going to call it that or not. What are the guys just a child? Well, I'm I've been very patient the whole eight years that we've been away to eight months and I'm having a problem. But do you know, can you see the purchases or is it he has credit cards somewhere that you don't know of? What does it look like? I see everything. I am part of all the accounts. Very recently, I started squirreling away. Anytime he spends money, then I'll take that exact amount and put it into savings. So then that because his habit is that if he sees the money, he spends it. It's automatic. He just he has to burn a hole in it. But what gives you the what gives you the idea that it's an addiction? If you told me, Jade, he's got forty thousand worth of credit cards. I can't log in. I can't see it. But my name is attached to it. Right. What makes you think it's addiction? What are you seeing that's giving giving you that sign? Because we will set aside. Like I said, this is our third time going through the steps. We keep bouncing between one and two over and over. He keeps making promises and we keep together. Right. But tell us what the money looks like. Tell us what you're seeing in the purchases. How much what type of an expenditure is it? Give us those details. He's spending at least four thousand a month on just his wants and needs. Mostly lifestyle snacks and gaming purchases and work for lunch for work and gifts for family members like our two step kids birthdays and money for his friends. So what's giving you addiction? What are you seeing spending wise that you're going, you know, I don't think this is an unknown. Where is it going? That's making you think addiction. I know where it's going because I'm the nerd. I think you're I think she's saying spending addiction, not side addiction. Got you. Yes. Specifically spending addiction. This is not spending addiction. This is a guy who cares only about himself. This is not spending addiction addiction. This is extreme selfishness and extreme immaturity. How long you been married? He's a butt. 10 years. 10 years. So eight of the 10 years. Yeah. Yeah. That's what's going on. And so, you know, you guys need a good marriage counselor that will help you form some adult boundaries that both of you agree, both of you agree to stick to or that this marriage ends. But that's the thing, Sharon, if it takes two to make it happen. So if you're saying it's been eight years, he won't go to counseling. He won't do this. He won't do that. You need to go. And the counselor needs to form the words and the sentences for you that turn into what we call an ultimatum that says, okay, either we're going to be working on this together and we're going to solve this as two adults, or we're going to solve it separately. Now you need to decide, are you going to come to counseling? And are you going to solve this problem? Because I'm simply not going to live like this. And that has never been said, apparently, and it's time for it to be said, I don't want you to divorce, but also don't want you to live in another 10 years like this. You're a basket case girl. I mean, you're, you're all, you're all to pieces and it's not fair to live like this. I wouldn't live like this. I've cried like that, but not days on end. I get up and change something that's causing that, you know, we're just not going to be this way anymore. And so, um, you know, we get those calls. I feel like we get a lot of these calls and, you know, it's, it's no indictment on men, but it just happens to a lot of times be women calling. And I feel like they're willing to put up with more of this behavior while they're looking at it, they're looking ahead and they're going, gosh, if I make this move, what does it mean for me? If I've been a stay at home mom, oh gosh, now I'm going to be a single mom. Now I have to go back into the workforce. What can I do? And it's like, they're just spinning out all of these, uh, hypotheticals that they don't feel ready for. And because of that, they'll stay in a situation with a dude like this, who's eight years of just terrible behavior. And it just, I mean, my heart breaks for that because it's sad, but the way you fix it is, is that you go, okay, restart my career. I'm on a contact of divorce attorney. I'm going to find out what my, what the rules are in California about child support and alimony. And, um, you know, there's a bill, there's a new bill. He's going to get to pay every month called taking care of these kids. And, um, you know, if, if he can't come to the table, I'm not going to live like that. And you have to decide, are you willing to live like this? If you're willing to live like this, you don't need to call us. You can just keep living like that. I can't, I can't, I can't participate in you living like that. Cause I think it's dumb. I wouldn't do it. Um, but I, I do think there's a chance he could change. Uh, but no, one's hit him in the face with big enough to before yet. Um, and, um, I'm the guy that's perfectly willing, you know, so, um, you know, you will do this or you don't stay. I mean, it's the same thing. Like when someone's working here at Ramsey, okay. These are behaviors you can't continue with. We love you, but the behaviors are going to leave or you are, we don't do that here. And if you want to be a wee, you can't, you know, you got to do this and you got it. Otherwise you can't stay. And that's how life Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.