4 Steps to Keep a Conversation Going

So, you want to keep a conversation going. You might have noticed your friends who are having a really good time, or you might have noticed some other co-workers who are bantering amongst each other, and you want to be in on that kind of vibe. Or maybe there's just someone you're interested in or curious about that you want to know more about, or simply you just want to make friends. And all these would lead you to wanting to know how to have a conversation, how to keep a conversation going, which is what I'll be talking about in this video, and ultimately to build rapport in some kind of way. Now, I've been on my own personal journey in improving myself in these aspects, both professionally and casually. And the things that I'm about to share with you today are things that I've actually applied in my professional and casual relationships, and actually seen and tested them to see if they work and see if they don't. Now for those of you who think that these things may or may not work because you've got your certain circumstances or different personality types, I previously was heavily introverted, I still am introverted, and I couldn't even talk in the classroom when I was little. I could only mumble phrases. People even next to me didn't understand what I was saying. And from there, I came to this point. And so these things work for me, and they'll work for you too. So first I want to talk about why you want to keep a conversation going. The reason why you'd want to keep a conversation going is because it's a good conversation. But what is a good conversation? It could be you're talking about an intellectual idea, and you're really invested in the topic and the other person's opinion, and they're really invested in yours as well, and they reciprocate that. It could also be that you guys are talking about a mutual interest that you're interested in, a hobby, a game, a TV show, a book, etc. And you're both really into that thing. And so you're bouncing off this mutual interest in this, and you feel like you've found a close friend. Or someone is talking about a story, about some sort of crazy experience they had overseas, and you're just really interested in where this goes. Because it happened to somebody, and it seems so vivid, and it's just such an insane story that you don't hear about that's both ridiculous, funny, or just outright scary. Who knows? Now what these all have in common is that you're really present in the moment. You're sucked up into this kind of world where this conversation and what you guys are talking about is really all you're really focused on, is really all you're kind of aware of. What's happening around you is not in your focus at all, and there's not really stray thoughts entering your mind in this moment. You're just invested in this moment and in this conversation. And it feels really good. It could be really interesting. You're just fully focused and invested. You could be really happy. It could be really funny. All of those things involve you being invested in that moment. So today I'll be sharing with you four things that I do to help you get into that kind of zone and to maintain that zone with the other person, thus keeping the conversation going authentically rather than inauthentically, and ultimately you having a good time building the rapport that you want, vibing with the person you're interested in, or practicing conversation and getting better at it, whatever your motive may be. So without further ado, I'll go into the first one, which is jump-starting the conversation. I use jump-start because it's a really appropriate metaphor. It's literally like turning on a car. So jump-starting this kind of conversation is to be used when, for example, there's an awkward moment where there is no talking, when you've just met with someone, you might want to use this, or when the conversation hits a bit of a stalling point and you've reached the end of a topic and you need to start a new one. So these could be questions like, if you were going to be famous for something, anything, what would it be? Or another fun one to use would be, if you had to commit a crime, what would it be? Another example, what is something that you always have wanted to do but know you will never do? And you can even use a really generic example like, what is something really good that's happened this week? Or if your relationship with someone is a little bit closer, you can even posit a question like, what was something that was really tough this week? But I don't recommend you use that if you're in a deeper relationship with the person. The purpose of this is just to get the conversation started, just to get the conversation going, right? This is not something you use on a consecutive basis, only when you hit a bit of a stalling point do you use this, and it's just to start the car. If you overuse it, it will start to feel scripted, like you've got an interview prepared for this other person. The purpose of this is just to let the other person open up a bit more, ask a question that will trigger something about them that's quite interesting. The reason for this is because the more conversation topics and threads that are potentially quite interesting are in the conversation, it's really easy to take off. What I mean by take off is, there is a topic or something that you are really interested in or the other person is really interested in and are passionate about, and once they catch on to that topic, they will talk or you will talk and it will feel really natural and it will just flow, and you will be in that comfortable, happy, interesting zone that we all want to be in. It's a critical ingredient in keeping the conversation going. You might have had friends and stuff like that who you talk to, who you can talk to for hours, and it's because you guys are in that zone almost all the time, so that's the purpose of the jumpstart. It's to get conversation threads so that it can potentially trigger that and go into that comfortable place. But jumpstarting alone only helps in this aspect. It's not the only thing that will get you there, and sometimes you need a little bit more than just that before you get into that zone, which leads me to point number two, expressing curiosity. So there's two ways you can express curiosity mainly. One is nonverbal and one is verbal. Nonverbal would be signs of acknowledgement or expressions of emotion through your body language and even subtle sounds that you make. For example, if someone is making a point, sometimes their point they made was interesting or it was a different opinion to mine, I would react physically. So I could eyebrow raise, I could open my eyes a little bit more, or I could acknowledge what they're saying and go, oh, hmm, oh, all right. Phrases like that show that you're listening to the other person. It shows that you're actually curious about what the other person is talking about and also subtly communicates your response, even though you're not saying much or even saying anything at all. For example, if something was strange, you could give a little bit of reaction like that. And another easy one would be like slow nodding to what the person is saying when you agree or when you understand the point that they're making. When you do this, the person is incentivized to talk longer. They can see that you're interested in the conversation and that you want them to speak more, subtly. So they will talk for longer. The purpose of that is so that they may come across a conversation thread that you're interested in and that then you can put input to. Now you don't have to give your input so readily. If you're very interested in the topic, those are just signs to help him or her keep going with what they're talking about. Now to actually verbally communicate your curiosity, those would be questions relating to what, how or why. So how did that come about or why did you decide to do that? This really helps with getting the person thinking. These are very effective if you want to have a very intellectual conversation or if you want to know about like why is someone into something particularly. This really helps the person like come up with more conversation threads. Maybe they're really into horror and they just love the thrill of it and you can latch on to loving the thrill about something and then maybe, I don't know, talk about your love of rollercoaster rides or something else or something else, skydiving, etc. And it helps with a more genuine connection as well. Now once you've actually gotten a thread and you've hit a topic that you're both interested about, whatever that may be, this is where step three starts to get a lot more critical and this is where I used to screw up a lot. And that is just ride the wave. Be present in the moment. Express your excitement for that topic. That's where people actually feel much more encouraged to share their mutual interest in that same topic is when you light up and you start talking about it as well. Now don't get too much obviously and start touching the person or something. I'm not saying to go out of control but let yourself like show that you're really interested in this topic or that it's funny, etc. Now only do it when you're authentically interested in the topic. That's very critical. This is the ultimate goal of keeping a conversation going or really entering an entertaining conversation at all. It's to get into this area where you're both mutually interested in a topic and you're both vibing very well. At this point, the techniques that I'm talking about really should virtually go out the window and you're not really focused on anything but in this moment with this other person. Once you're here, you are out of your technical analytical thinking about something and you're just taking up the moment. This is the whole goal and this is where the good stuff is. So if you're in this zone, just let it ride. Just enjoy the experience. And if you're not thinking about techniques at all and you're talking with the other person, it's a fairly good sign that you're in this zone. Now we need to stay in this zone which brings me to point number four which is to let the conversation steer. I know it's a bit weird what I said is to stay in this zone and I'm talking about steering but what I mean by this is that when the conversation that you're riding on hits a new topic, let it go to that new topic. Don't insist on staying on the first one. I used to screw that up a lot. So as you're talking about travel, you might talk about a particular country, then you might talk about food and then you might talk about food for quite a while. So you've shifted from talking about travel. When I would be in this zone, for example, when we're talking about travel, I would think about interesting points about travel. But when our conversation would move on, take a new direction, I would want to bring it back to mention those points that I failed to make. That experience was jarring for the other person and it felt very rigid. And what I discovered is that the person who I was talking to found it very confusing about how to take the conversation in a certain way. It almost felt like it was dictated by me. And then in that dynamic, it becomes very, very weird. The person, it stifles the person's sense of expression. It becomes a lot harder for the other person to express conversation threads that are interesting. And so in these moments, you can hold those points, but let them go. If the conversation has moved on, there's going to be other points. You know, you have something about food, everybody loves food. And just let the topic move on to a new one. You will enjoy that experience all the same because you will hit another topic that you're interested in and there'll be more points to talk about then. You can talk about those other points that you missed in another conversation you have with this person or with another person entirely. It's critical that this doesn't feel inauthentic or scripted or super structured. That's not the way a normal flowing conversation should feel like. Now potentially a topic will be exhausted or you guys will have enough fun with one topic and so you might hit another point where you stall again. Now this is where it goes full circle and you can come back to point number one or you can potentially jumpstart the conversation again with another trigger. And then you can show curiosity. You can just show body language signs or questions of what, how and why when someone is talking about a particular topic. And then once you enter into a new thread, you just stay in the zone, enjoy the moment, just taking the experience and show that you're very interested in this topic. Let the conversation steer when the topic hits a new point or when the person is passionate about something else. Let them talk about that new passion and then if that's something you're passionate about as well, then you're in for the ride as well. Otherwise, let the conversation continue on until you hit a new thread that you're both into. These four things really helped me in keeping my conversations going and keeping it in a very enjoyable zone instead of it being an overly analytical and scripted process. But what about you guys? What have you done that you found was really effective in keeping a conversation interesting, funny or otherwise really good? Let me know in the comments below. If you like that kind of content, give it a like and subscribe and I'll see you all in the next one.