I Want Vanlife Full-Time… But Life Has Other Plans

I'm out in the van, not staying overnight today, unfortunately. Just out for the day, I gotta go pick up my foot at six o'clock later on. But it's nice to be in the van even if it's just for the day—I'm parked by the sea. I'm going to go for a little stroll in a bit. I was debating whether to talk about this because I feel awful, like I'm utterly miserable, in quite a Some of my previous longer videos, I'm miserable and I just talk about how much I hate life and things. But the reality is, I don't want this to be a depressing video, but I can't like Show you my day without it, and pretend everything's fine when it really isn't. And I hate that this is the kind of content I'm actually creating right now, to be honest. I want it to be a place, I want this channel to be a place where it's like happiness and van life and just you know, being outdoors and going on adventures and stuff—that's what I want. But that's just not where I am. I genuinely think I have never been, I've never felt so low and frustrated with myself life as I am living it at the moment. It's not, I know I've said this before, but it's not some huge catastrophic event. That's happened; there are so many different things occurring to me, and they're just All piled on. And honestly, I've reached the point where I don't know how much longer I can go on. Like this, to be honest. That's supposed to be grass—that's how bad it is in the UK right now. I've got a whole day where, fingers crossed, no one will need anything from me. I'm parked by the beach, and I'm hoping it'll be a nice day. There's my spot—look how dry everything is; it's crazy. When was the last time we had rain? I don't think my plan is going to work out; I brought my swimmers with me because I was thinking of going in the water but it's about 5 miles out to get to the water at the lake Can you see the sea? I can't, maybe I just can. I haven't walked up; I realise I'm probably starting to sound like a bit of a, where am I? I'm going here, a bit of a broken record at the moment, but two things have happened this Good morning, and I feel like I can't handle any more of them—I can't take any more. things, without going into too much detail, I think that potentially the Boston children are going to be with me longer and my plan for the week, which I thought was going to be happening, and the time that I would have to myself, I don't, well, I'm not going to have and while maybe it just sounds like little things, but they're just not feeling For me, even small things feel like catastrophes, and I just can't cope. At all. This is nice though, a walk up here is nice, it doesn't eliminate all the bad stuff, but it's Nice for the moment. It's really crazy how dry everything is, like UK people, I think most of you are from The UK, when was the last time you saw rain? I can't remember the last time I saw rain. It's crazy—this summer has been absolutely mental. There's my van lock, see, nice little spot. That was a nice little walk; I'm going to head back to the van and pull out my laptop. and see if I can get some small online tasks done. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but yeah, that's kind of depressing me right now. as well, because it's not going as well as I'd like or as it initially was I think I know why, so I think I might be able to fix it, but I'm not sure. I honestly feel like I'm on, maybe this is too dramatic, and maybe I shouldn't be throwing around words like this, but I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of mental breakdown I just don't feel like myself right now. I'm frustrated with everything, so many different things. I'm so emotionally overwhelmed. I am exhausted. Things that I can usually handle seem like an incredible amount of stress. That I'm not, well, I am dealing with it, but I don't know how I am, and I don't know. If I'm, I don't know, I don't have any kind of inspirational answer to any of it and I am someone, like I have gone through hard times in my life, and I am someone who One doesn't really like to ask for help. I like to appear and feel as though I'm managing everything on my own, even though I know that isn't the healthiest approach. The best way to deal with things, but I can't fix anything today, yet I know that some things I have to change, but I don't know what, and I don't know how, and I don't know. As I said, I've never been so unhappy in my life, and I hate that, but then when I realize it And I think about that, and then I get frustrated with myself because it's not that bad. If people have bigger problems than the ones you're facing right now, that doesn't make your problems any less significant. The size of people's problems or whatever—I don't know. Maybe one day we'll have nice van adventure vlogs, but right now I think they're miserable ones. I can't concentrate at all today. I think I'm going to drive a little further up the coast. New spot. This is better. This is nice. I could have my door open here with a beautiful beach view. Right, I'm going to take a look. I'm going to give myself half an hour to see if I can actually concentrate. My brain is just all over the place today. I'm not taking a break. I think it's time to go. It's time to leave this lovely spot. I wish so much I were staying out in the van tonight. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and then I think, I need, I really need to think about ways to get support or Help me with something, please, because, as I say, I can't take the way I am.