Older Men Make Better Boyfriends | Kelsey Cook

Yeah, I moved to Minnesota last year in the month of January. And that's how you die. Eight-month winters are ******* brutal. God. When I hit my one-year mark of living there, some of my friends were like, oh, how did you celebrate? I was like, oh, I just walked into my bathroom like it was a prison cell and etched one tally. I did learn a lot by moving there then. I learned that, God forbid you try using a bidet there in the winter. That water feels like local anesthesia. Did not feel my b-hole for five months. It's such a weird state. Right when I moved there, I turned on the TV and there were commercials for vacations to Alaska. And that's when I knew I fucked up. I was like, oh, these are broken people. If Alaska is their Cancun. Living in Minnesota and going on vacation to Alaska is like owning a Nissan Sentra and going on vacation and renting a Nissan Sentra. That's the same terrible ----. I moved there to live with my boyfriend, so that's why I did it in January. Because winter sucks and it's better when there's somebody inside you. Thank you, one horny woman. I appreciate you. Minnesota was a tough cell though. I found out also when I got there that they have some of the highest state taxes. I was like, for why? You're cold and expensive? That's like a dog who's ugly and bites. Put it down. Let's get out of here. Skedaddle. And I moved there from Washington where there are no state taxes. So now anytime my boyfriend tries to start a fight with me, I'm like, oh, let me remind you that being your girlfriend now costs me $38 a day. Your dick is a very expensive toll road. Let me set the thermostat to 72, **** off. Let's pick our battles today. When he and I got together, we had that conversation about labels because I felt ready to be called boyfriend and girlfriend. And he goes, ah, you know, being in my 40s, I feel like I'm a little old to be called somebody's boyfriend. But if you call me your man friend, it sounds like I'm not allowed in your playground. I was like, all right, well, what are you going to call me? And he goes, I'll just be like, this is my lady. And I was like, well, we're not at a renaissance fair. So no. Also, I can't use the equivalent of that. I can't be like, mom, dad, I'd like you to meet my lord. And he's also a comedian. My ex-husband was actually a comedian too. I can't stop shitting where I eat. My love life is a Chipotle. Just keep the eating and shitting all under one roof. It's very convenient, very farm to table, you know. They're right there. And I wasn't much of a jealous girlfriend in my 20s, but then some switch flipped in my 30s. And now when I see somebody hit on the person I'm with, I just feel myself anamorph into the cast of Jersey Shore. I am ready to brawl. And he does get hit on when he walks on stage, women whistle at him. And at comedy clubs, there's usually a security guard in the back to kick people out in case they heckle. So at his shows, I've just started to stand next to the security guard. And if I see a woman laughing too hard at one of his jokes, I just walk up and I'm like, hey, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. He's my favorite comedian. Well, he's my lord. Scoot, beat it. I feel like most people assume I'm exaggerating during that joke. But if you follow me online, you'll know I posted a video a few months ago of a woman who sat in the front row of one of my shows. And after I told that joke, she goes, your boyfriend is my favorite comedian. We've seen him like eight times. And I was like, lady, did you not just hear that this is when I go snooky on somebody? What are you doing? And she doubled down. She's like, he's so cute. He's so hot. And he responds to my Instagram comments. And that's when I took out my hoop earrings. All the men in the crowd were looking around like, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. It's like, yeah, time to **** around and find out, madam. Get up here. I don't actually worry about my boyfriend cheating on me. I feel like men's bodies start to really turn on them in their 40s. He has to wake up every two hours in the night to pee. And when I see him in the morning with bags under his eyes, I hug him and I go, ah, babe, I'm sorry you didn't sleep well. And then I think, you're too exhausted to cheat on me. You're not getting enough REM to pull off two relationships. I like you slow like this. Can catch you if I need to. Get back here. But now the second I see him start to reach for melatonin, I'm like, the **** are you resting up for? You stay sleepy. I don't usually mind our age gap, but there is that new filter on TikTok where couples are posting pictures together and then a filter goes across the screen and it shows you what you'll look like together in 50 years. Like it ages you. So I did that with a picture of me and my boyfriend. And when the filter went across the screen, it just made him disappear. It was just me holding an urn. I was like, what? No, please. My boyfriend was like, I want to see the picture. I was like, oh, my phone died. And so did you. What am I going to do? He does hate that he looks older than me. He's been trying to get me to look older faster. I think he wants to like microwave my face. On my birthday, as a prank, he hit all of my expensive skin creams. And when I opened my bathroom cupboard, there was just a pack of cigarettes. A tanning bed coupon. Well, careful what you wish for. You're going to wake up next to Mick Jagger. I have been telling my single friends that they should date somebody older than them. It's the best. They got their lives together. They're financially secure. My boyfriend has a late cabin. You think I give a ---- that he has a fake hip? I don't. I don't need somebody to be able to jump rope to get me wet. I'm riding on a jet ski. I'm coming five times on that thing anyway. My boyfriend shows me his credit score while we're on the jet ski. I'm like, oh, my God. Our neighbors are like, wow, look at all the water coming off that thing. I'm like, that's not water, Diane. That's all me, baby. Happy 4th.