Miami Comedy Shows Are On A Different Level | Matt Rife | Walking Red Flag

Asking for escorts. Paying for escorts. Did you say I'm hurt recently? Somebody just checked their bank statement like a week ago. Also, how are you louder than me? Alright, let's dive into this divorce. What happened? A few days ago, my husband of six years, we have two beautiful boys, is paying for escorts. How much? How did you find out? I saw the text message under the new update on iPhone, under edit and delete it. Really? Hold on, you can check those. What was it? 300 per hour. 300 per hour? Do they do by the minute? So I got 20, you know what I mean? Then I got, then I got five. Did you see the pictures? There's no pictures and he won't admit it. He's saying it's a scam. It's a scam? That means he didn't come. This is a rip off of him. I could've stayed married if I wanted to not come. There's some married people in here. I can't get the ******* feeling. I am really sorry. That is genuinely fucked up. Are you guys done? Are you gonna stick with him? You're like, just don't ******* do this ---- again. I already packed up all my ---- and moved out. **** that dude. You strong woman, you go out there, you live your own life. You have the most money you want. And I tell you, I'll **** you for 150. To be honest. Do I hear $200? Do I hear $200? Do I hear $200? What does it show up as? What's the receipt look like? He asked, what are your roses? And I googled that and found the website and the code roses means how much for the race. Bitch, what if he was buying you flowers? $300 worth of flowers. He might love you. No. No? Do you have an excuse? Nope. Ah. That would be my go-to. Do it for an hour. They pick them themselves. It's worth it. For an hour, it's worth the work. You get as many roses as they can pick you in an hour. I think you're a solid deal. Nobody ******* steal that. Your best friend used it? Miami schedule. You chose three hours to see me? Oh my god. Bitch, that's $900. That's $900. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Oh, my God. God damn. I'm so sorry. That's crazy. I thank you. That's a very good red flag. Thank you for being so perfect. Thank you for letting us enjoy your pain. I wish you the absolute best. And he sounds like somebody I would totally hang out with. But to manipulate, I mean, never mind. Forget it. Next. Men from Miami? Bitch, I think you about to die alone Cause hey, look where you at We're in Miami I'm already talking to somebody What is it that you don't like about men in Miami? They're all trash You're not gonna find your husband in here Where do you usually date guys from? Anywhere else? Prison? Your mom didn't yell out, you yelled out I'm about to **** your mom if we can end this conversation What is it about about Miami men that you find trashy? Okay, they're toxic. They're toxic, I know, but what's an example of toxic? You can't say general things. They like their cars better than they like their women. Well, aren't their cars quieter? I don't think it's a fair generalization. You said toxic, and then, but what's toxic about, all you said was cars. They make you sick literally. Physically, they make you sick? Well, if you guys drink a little less. Thank you, good man. I think Miami men go great with water. I mean, they swam through plenty of the diggity, though. Shit about Miami, man. They ******* worked their ass off to get here. Every Cuban man here is Michael Phelps. Everybody... respect, dog. What the ****? See, you caused a ******* glitch in the Matrix right now. Talking ---- about Miami, man. Thought my browser history was about to come off. Who's about to have to delete all that? Show's over. Everybody go home. Y'all come from a hard spot. How long you guys been together? Six months? Aw, give it time. That's fun. Adorable. Where'd you guys meet? The club? Yeah, give it some. You approached her? Yeah, you little creep. What was she gonna do? Have a fun night out with her friends? **** outta here. Did he have any kind of clever line when he approached you at the club? He had the clever line. You had the clever line? Well, what was the line? What'd you open with? Okay, this is surprising to me. Maybe not anyone else in Florida. But she goes, she didn't want him to talk to her, like I said, and so she told him she was 17 and pregnant. He was like, bitch, I always wanted to be on MTV. All right, man, let's go. I'm a star now, all right? So not only were you underage in the club, you also told him you were pregnant as you took a drink of alcohol. That's the most Miami ---- I've ever heard in my ******* life. I was like, I can help both of y'all with your homework. Selfies with the tongue. Lead with your best feature, I guess. Or with a fish. Oh, okay. You're on dating apps. Hey, that's the red flag. Don't be on dating apps in the first place. It's hard out here. It is hard out here. Not for some of us. What is it doing, okay? What is it about it, though? Is it just physically unattractive? Yeah. But you don't like when guys fish either, you said you don't like guys who provide for their family Do you have your dating profile? What's your, what's your app? What do you go to? You've never met anyone on the dating app, that's sad. Can I see your profile? Got all these standards we're about to see. May I see your phone? There we go. Let's see what we got here. Okay, here we go, photos All right. First one is in front of the grass wall literally the most fuckboy pose might as well just be captioned who trying to pay my rent next one's just a sexy kind of selfie and this is actually a very good photo smash see the next one this I don't like when a girl has when it's it's it's three girls all with their asses to the camera you don't know whose profile it actually is this is the which which one are you in this middle left right the Left, it's the least good ass. I know, when you had a problem, I'm like, bitch, your tongue is out in this, peace sign. My God, take your phone, you little lesbo, oh my God. Jesus Christ, hypocrisy. Wow. When was your last relationship? A year ago. A year ago? Who broke up with who? He broke up with you, he was like, later, bitch. Now it all makes sense, I'm sorry. He what? He's begging for you back? No, he's not. This is just like an odd question to the people in the back, but are you wearing pants? Not at all? You work next door? What's next door, 11? Are you really not wearing pants at all? Oh, it's uniform, can I stand up? Can you stand up? I'm okay, hold on. You have a tattoo on your butt. It's a seahorse? What's the significance of a seahorse on your butt? My eyes are up here? Never gonna be me too, I don't think so. What's the significance of a seahorse in your book? Uh, I'm a mom, but seahorses, the male, is a mom. Hey, that didn't make sense. She goes, well, first of all, I'm a mom. As you can tell, I've been come to. She said, I'm a mom, and in a seahorse community, I don't know how educated you are, but the male seahorse is actually who gives birth too, that she follows your head. But that didn't happen. Yeah, she said, unfortunately, it was me. Okay, who's watching this give right now? You got a babysitter, is it with the father? All of the above? Did you **** the babysitter? You fucked, you're pregnant too! Oh my God! Okay, are you, are you a seahorse or a trans? You guys missed it, but she, hold on. When she laughed, she did this, and it clowned. And she literally went, oh, this bitch almost hiked a football with me. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet? Boy? And canceled. You can't gender it yet. Canceled as ****. Are you still with the father? Is this him right here? No. It's not you, okay? I can see your outfit. You're not tucked. Trust me. Are you with your kid's dad still? Yes. Yes. Question mark. How long were you with him? two years how old's your kid four don't homeschool this kid were you seeing him for a little while then you got back together is that what it is you're not together so you lied to me red flag no **** a red flag uh child protective services i'll help you guess you don't want to do that you're from miami and you have a four-year-old child. Sixteen? His name is Barbie. Sit down before you miscarriage. What are you crazy? Turning around, jumping, ******* chest bumping people. Crazy. So irresponsible. Got a little bit off the rails. We started with red flags and now I'm trying to **** two moms. What's that? What's per usual? Me getting off the rails. I feel like you hit some rails before you came here. Are you here by yourself? Yeah. Really? That's your dad and your mom. Oh, for now. Okay. You guys aren't actually her parents? No, for tonight. No, don't, you can't just rent parents. Yeah, I saw the documentary. I said, you can't just rent parents. She said, it's Miami. You can rent anything. Yeah, I heard there's a whole island for that. Are you going to be fun or not, Miami? Are we good? If we can't do dark jokes, go see somebody else. Joke about fucked up things, otherwise they're just negative, you know? This is good, you guys came around. Takes a little bit of a push to get you guys on board, but it's fun, you can see. I haven't seen you yet, but I might. Shh. Sorry, Mom. Yeah, I'm gonna **** whoever said that. We heard that ----, I'm sexy. I don't know. I just love a girl who loves lying. She's so sexy, you know what I mean? You guys coupled up? Just friends? Yeah, I bet. Where'd you guys meet? Grad school. Grad school. Where'd you guys graduate from? Miami. What'd you study? Music business. And what are you doing in the music business? I'm an editor in a magazine. Oh, you're an editor in a magazine. Which magazine? Hot Living. What is it? It's called Hot Living. Hot Living. You called it something else first. Lauren, what did you call it? Hot living. Hot living. Hot living. Yeah. Hot. That's gay, right? That's the gayest way to say that word, isn't it? So hot right now. I sound so like Eastern European. So hot right now. When you guys came together, which one of y'all trying to **** the other one, to be honest? See him, but he didn't wear like this. He went, stay strong, gang. While I was sleeping on the same bed with him. Respect, you know what I mean? How do you pull that off? That's kind of impressive. It's fucked up, but it's impressive. Alright, what's the circumstance? I was passed out drunk at a party. You were passed out drunk at a party. That's kind of on you. And my best friend... He and your best friend had sex in the same bed right next to you? She asked him why and he said he was drunk and she had a nice ass. Yes. Does that work? How did you find out? She woke up with his penis inside her. I don't want to repeat that. So she said the next day her friends told her that she woke up with her boyfriend's penis inside of her. Was he asleep? He said it took about three strokes to make him sleep. He said it took about three strokes and he was good? Dance with Pussy was fire, too. Pump shave anybody, okay? It happens. To the best of us. Not me, but other people. And then you broke up with him immediately. Immediately, yeah. We were living together. You were living together? And I weighed 220 pounds, and now I weigh 140 with a better ass. You weighed 220 pounds, and since the breakup, you've lost 80 pounds, and you have a better ass than her? Can we see it? Oh my god. Okay, that's enough. I don't have any cash. How much euros is that? That's that revenge body right there. That's ******* evil. Gal, congratulations. I'm glad you're focusing on your work, not on me. How long ago was this, by the way? Four years ago? 80 pounds is less impressive than me. It was like three months ago. I was like, damn. But no, I could have just laid this up. I didn't mean to be cheatin' in Miami, god damn it. Sorry. Your ex had a threesome with your two best friends while you were there? Life's not so bad, is it? If you think your life is hard, somebody's got it worse! He fucked her whole life. Where did you meet this legend? Asshole. Where did you meet this legend? Asshole. In West Virginia? Oh my god. So you guys have a family? How long were you with him for? A couple months. Oh, that's barely your boyfriend. That's just a guy you and your friends were *******.