Single for 24 Hours. - Max Amini - Stand-up Comedy

I have three black people in the front. They're like, what the f**k is happening, man? Oh, you're not? What are you? You're Dutch? Hold on one second. Damn girl, you still look black. She's like, I'm Dutch. You know, I'm actually the ancestors of Michael Jackson. Michael was also Dutch. Mixed with Dutch and Indonesia, but you still mix with a black guy? I thought you were black. I'm just saying. Somehow you have some black in you. Congratulations. There's a lot of people here. They wish they had some black in them too. Well, for you tonight's going to be a comedy show and a workshop. Oh really? Oh really? Netherlands, very, very mixed. Yeah. Your dad was Muslim? Is that why you're taking revenge on your dad with a black guy? Daddy, this one's for you. How long have you been in Washington DC? 33 years. 33 years. You like it here? Not really. I don't blame you. You just here for him. You love him so much that you put up with America for 33 years. Wow. That's true love. True love. Or better say black dick. Black dick keeps you in America for 33 years. That's unbelievable, America. Good for you. Good for you. We love you. You were the most fun person so far. Maximini shot and killed outside of Washington DC, Lizard Auditorium. There was extra large magnum condom on his chest. Sally, are you here by yourself tonight? Oh, how sweet of you. You came to see my show. That's so nice. How did you discover the comedy? Your dad bought it? Your dad, your Chinese father? Did he hack into the system? He lives in Vancouver? He came to my show in Vancouver? He didn't? It's a Chinese drama. Like, here honey, you go. My ticket, you go. And Sally goes, okay fine, I go dad. Sally, you're so sweet. So you had no idea like what kind of show you're getting into? No? You didn't even bother to look me up? You just took the ticket and you showed up? F*** you, Sally. I thought this was a special connection. I thought one Chinese girl, I have one Chinese fan. She's like, oh my god, I love him so much, I'll go by myself. No, I didn't even look at my dad, gave me a ticket. I'm just here to make my dad happy. Any other Chinese here tonight? Ah, I have two Chinese here. Sally, I'll be right back, yeah? Hi, hi. Nice to see some real Chinese people. What's your name, buddy? Ha. His name is Ha. Sally. Sweetheart, what's your name? Yeah. Sally. Ha and yeah. From China. What are you guys doing in DC? You came from New York to see me and you bought the tickets yourselves? Tickets by themselves to see me and you're Chinese and what did you have for lunch? Orange chicken. You ate it with chopstick? Yeah. Russia. Pleasure, my buddy. Who are you here with? With my mom. With your mom? Wow, what a nice son you are. This is your mom? No, my mom's son. Your mom's sitting somewhere else? What a ---- son you are. You take the third row, you give your mom the 10th row? Just you and mommy came out? Just us, yeah. Just you two and how old are you? 14. 14? Oh my god, you're so young, buddy. I, you don't look for, you look, you look like an adult. So you snuck in? Yeah? The show's 18 and over. Only a Russian spy can get in. Oh, I am 28. Leo, what a nice guy you are. You hang out with your mommy. This is so nice. Mom, what's your name? Oh my god, that's your mom? Hi, mom. Please come sit here. What's your name, mom? Huh? I'm not talking to you, bitch. I'm talking... Are you trying to say I'm cross-eyed or some ----? I'm looking at the hot-ass blonde, row 12, third seat, and the guy next to her has got a hard-on. Sir, take it easy. Sorry, mom. Cock-blocker, row four. Darlene, what's your name? Lana. Pleasure. Thank you so much for bringing Leo to the show. This is really nice and you're such a great mother. You were like, Leo, this is not appropriate for your age, but because I raised you such a mature man, I'm going to take you with mommy to enjoy the best comedy show in the world, Sally. People smuggle kids into my show. This is history what's happening right now. How long have you been living in America? Eight years. Eight years you've been living here. Okay, wonderful. Can I ask you a question? I'm just wondering, what is your relationship status? Just wondering. Divorced. I'm so sorry. If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm always here for you. I just want you to know. And currently, what is your strategy of dating? Are you on any dating apps? You're focusing on your son? Well, your son is a very mature grown-up. He doesn't need any focus. It's time for him to move out of the house, if you ask me. I think it's time, Leo, to go get his own place. I'm more than happy to consult this topic with you. Okay, Lana, so you're single and you're such a kind mom that you sacrificed your life for your son, Leo. And I admire you for that. Leo, you're very lucky to have a mom this cool, this beautiful, this amazing. And sincerely, I will tell you, you will be even more lucky if you have me as your stepfather. You've been single your whole life? How much subscription you pay for pornhub? So you've never had a relationship? You've been masturbating the whole time? How old are you? 24. 24? Okay. So who's the girl next to you? That beautiful black girl next to you? You don't know each other? Oh, ----. This is good. Sweetheart, what's your name? Hyatt? Oh, okay. Like the hotel. Hyatt. Pleasure meeting you. Yeah. Huh? You're from Afghanistan? I'm talking to a lady. You never interrupt the conversation. This is why you're single your whole life. My brother, I'm having a conversation for you. Just wait. You're cock blocking yourself. Hyatt, I'm sorry. Sorry for the interruption. Just really quick. Are you single? Oh, my God. And you're gorgeous. You're beautiful. Brother, what do you do? Software engineer. Okay. And what company do you work for? Bank of America. Not just any software engineer. He knows who's got how much money in their account right now. Habibi, I'm proud of you. Bank of America software engineer. 24. Good looking guy. Just never had an opportunity to find love and romance. And then all of a sudden, Bank of America meets Hyatt Hotels. For my friend here, I want you to tell you, I want to tell you something. You've never been with any woman in your life before. And the first girl you go on a date, it's going to be a black girl. Not just any black girl. American. Holy ----, bro. You the luckiest mofo in the world. She's going to teach you ----. It'll take you two decades to learn.