Why Men Feel Alone Even When They're Not Lonely

If you walked into any bar in your town, and you saw you at the bar, would you buy him a beer? Would you get him a drink? Would you buy him some nachos? Or would you be like, what a loser alone at the bar? Ah, see I'm at the point now, and it's taken me some time, that I would buy myself a beer, and I'd hang out with that guy, and we'd talk about music and guitar, and we'd talk about Mozart, and Christianity, and we'd talk about working out, and God, and we'd talk about architecture, and Seinfeld, and all kinds of ----. I'd just name some random things. We'd talk about how awesome it feels to really clean a bathroom. Ugh! We'd talk about how uncertain our futures are, and we're just figuring stuff out as we go on. For me, I always like to sprinkle in my story here with depression and anxiety. I'm very open about this. I honestly have no shame, although I wrestle with it. There's a loneliness and a disconnect between you and other people at times. And it was very real for me in university and at work. And it happens when I didn't know who I was. Now, you can only get so close. Maybe there's some authentic version that you meet in heaven, but I hope I'm getting close. But when you're growing up, and in your 20s, too, and even low 30s, I was really trying hard to be somebody. And what happens is, as we grow up, we decide that who we are authentically isn't always accepted, because our parents punish us for us doing the wrong thing, and can reward us for doing the right thing. So if we have certain feelings of anger, and disappointment, and sadness, and just frustration at the wrong times, we can be punished for having emotions. And what we come to realize is not through thought, because we can't comprehend and reason these things out until we're like 25, when our prefrontal cortex is fully developed. But we get a sense that who I am as a kid isn't acceptable. Only some parts are. So we grow up, and we tend to cultivate certain parts of ourselves, and leave others in the dust. Maybe there's a funny part. Maybe there's a goofy part of you that you had to leave behind. And as men, we need to really cultivate this sense of confidence, no matter how fake it feels. Sense of knowing what we're doing, because nobody likes a guy who's confused, and is uncertain about his future. We all are. And a toughness, and rawness, and an interest in football, and beer, and all of these things I pretended to like. I never wanted to go to bars. The only reason I drank was so I could hook up with women, and if I didn't hook up with someone, it was the biggest waste of drinking and a hangover of my entire life. I never wanted to do any of that. I never wanted to go to the Super Bowl parties. I didn't like that. I'd rather play sports than watch them. So we tend to try to fit into this masculine mold in whatever you think it is, and hear me out here. So through childhood, we're cultivating and conditioned to fit into something, something that is acceptable and accepted. All we're trying to do, guys, is belong somewhere and be loved by someone. Can I get an amen? Am I making this simple enough? Watch all the videos you want. It doesn't need to get more complicated than that. I'm more of, let's keep things simple, and in simplicity, there's truth. There's this lyric by Bruce Coburn, Pacing the Cage, it goes, I never knew what you all wanted, so I gave you everything. And then another verse, it's, sometimes you feel like you live too long. Days drip slowly on the page, and you catch yourself pacing the cage. That always hit me, because we try to give people what we think they want from us. And as men, we think we're supposed to give certain things and hold back other things. Yes, express anger, good for us. Let's watch UFC with the boys. But tears, sadness, overwhelm, anxiety, feeling extremely sad and depressed, we can't show that. There's too much shame in that. So you can see from the four walls of home, and it's not to make you feel sad about it, or try not to overthink it. If that was you, you know, for not being accepted for maybe who you were growing up, be happy about realizing that. But don't judge yourself, and don't beat yourself up for it. So there's this cultivation of the self through all of these ups and downs in life, and puberty, and we're thinking of something else, and then all of a sudden we start to like women, or if it's starting to like men, and we reach this point where we're like, that, none of that was me. That was me trying to figure stuff out. Those were all stepping stones. I'm waiting to arrive somewhere, but I don't think I've arrived yet. Who the hell am I? And the reason this touches on loneliness is because when you're trying to be somebody you're not, or when you don't know who you are, and you're always pretending and performing, and I know all about that, then even if somebody sees you and talks to you, they're talking to the actor, or they're talking to the character, sorry, and not the person behind. Does that make sense? I always feel bad for actors sometimes because you think of like Tobey Maguire going down the street for us millennials. It's like, oh, it's Spider-Man. It's like, you're looking at the character. He's known for Spider-Man, the character. Nobody knows about Tobey Maguire. Maybe he collects antiques. Maybe he loves to drive buses and rents buses and drives them in parking lots with the boys, but we just see the character they play, and so all these fans come rushing towards these actors, right? They don't know anything about them, so as an actor, you're probably like, they don't even know me, yet they want my autograph, and they wanna talk to me, and they love me. They say they love me. They don't know me. Think about how that can cause loneliness for men as we're taught and conditioned to be someone, and then we meet a person, and they don't really see us. They see what I'm trying to be, what I've been conditioned to be, what I think I should be, but it's not me, so even if we hook up, and we have great chats, we have great sex, they didn't have sex with me. They had sex with this guy who was performing. Even if you meet all these friends, and they're all doing stuff, and you're hanging around with them, you know, I'll feel out of place sometimes because I'm like, oh, I was trying to be somebody there. I was trying to act like I'm not even interested in this ----, but I just pretended. You know? Talking about Mike Tyson, I'm like, oh yeah, great boxer, yeah, those knockouts, man. I'm like, what are you doing, Scott? What are you doing? You don't know ----. So it's like, to take a step back from the performance, and to get to know yourself, because it's a classic line. If you're, what is it? If you're, if you hate being alone, that means you're in bad company. That's hilarious. If you don't like being by yourself, that means you're not really liking yourself, and you're in bad company. So this video wasn't about a lack of friends and that kind of loneliness. This is about befriending yourself. If you walked in to a Moxie's Grill, they have those in the States? A Moxie's, if you're in the UK or something? They have them in Canada. It's when they would only hire hot women, and you have to wear the short skirts. I wonder if they still do that. Why did I choose that as a bar as an example? I have no idea. If you walked in any bar in your town, and you saw you at the bar, would you buy him a beer? Would you get him a drink? Would you buy him some nachos? Or would you be like, what a loser alone at the bar? Ah. See, I'm at the point now, and it's taken me some time, that I would buy myself a beer, and I'd hang out with that guy, and we'd talk about music and guitar, and we'd talk about Mozart, and Christianity, and we'd talk about working out, and God, and we'd talk about architecture, and Seinfeld, and all kinds of ----. I'd just name some random things. We'd talk about how awesome it feels to really clean a bathroom. Ah. We'd talk about how uncertain our futures are, and we're just figuring stuff out as we go on, and if you're smiling at that, or you think you would do something similar, that's because your judgmental voice is calm now, that those are all cool things, but when you start comparing, and start to put on the mask, and start to try to be somebody, then you don't recognize the guy at the bar alone. He's foreign to you. He likes Mozart. What do you mean? I thought we have to talk about UFC. So, this is about men feeling lonely because they don't know themselves. That's not to put blame on you. That's not to judge you. No. That's to sell you my course for three easy payments of $19.99 to know yourself. Ha ha ha ha! But seriously, there is a guide in the description if you want it, or to book a call with me, but guys, it's something that I'll deal with for maybe my whole life of seasons of loneliness. Of course. There's times, of course, where I feel lonely, and I'm in a great relationship, and I have a big family, and I have nieces, and I have friends, and there's still parts of me where I'm like, I'm not fitting into this whole life thing, yeah? And that's when, in other videos I talk about, that's when inner criticism comes in, and those are the exact moments where we need understanding, compassion, and care for ourselves, and we need that sense of inner guidance for ourselves. We need to be there for us. We're waiting for other people to be there for us. They show up. It still doesn't help. We need to be there for us. How do I learn to buy myself a beer at thebar.com? You know what I mean, guys? So one thing you can do is do the exercise that I just did. If you were to see yourself at the bar, what would you love to talk about with this guy? Just knowing your interests. No other people around. Your buddies from high school aren't around. Your boss isn't around. Your coworkers aren't around. Nobody online is around. No one, no family's around, nothing. It's just you and you. You can talk about whatever you want. You can do whatever you want. If you want to pull down your pants and piss on the bar, piss on the bar! No limits, no rules. What do you want to talk about and what do you want to do with this guy? Because that's you. It can be as simple as that right now. Now I could go into knowing your values and meaning and hierarchy of wants and needs, blah, blah, blah. But for this moment, what is your interest? What do you love talking about and what would you do with that guy? And that's a great start to knowing yourself and to liking who you are. Who are you comparing to? Oh, let's go on for 30 minutes. Who are you comparing to? Who? Some guy that you, some dude on YouTube or some person that you saw online and now they're in the Epstein files? And you thought they were the coolest and then it shows up that they're in there 3,000 times? Who do you really admire? Everyone's tainted with something. Everyone falls short. Everyone's on Ashley Madison. Remember that whole thing and the cheating scandal? Every dude is cheating on his wife. Why are you comparing yourself to these schmucks? Go buy yourself a beer. Everyone can be corrupted. And it shows you how easily people can be bought. People can be bought with a flight to an island. All you can eat cheeseburgers they can be bought for. How much can you be bought for? Guys, I've been approached by AG1 Greens and all these sponsors for this channel over the years and no, I'm not bought for something I don't believe in. How much would you sell your soul to the devil for? Mine doesn't have a price, dude. It's not for sale. Start to like yourself. Start to be proud of yourself. Start to have your back. Start to be in your own corner. Start to like what you like. And this whole conditioning and being a man, see if that's working for you. See what works and what doesn't work. And as I said in other videos before this, what would happen if you just stopped trying? Put it all down. Who's left? Who's left when you let go of the persona, let go of the attitude, let go of I'm a man and I gotta be this and this and this in this world because that's how it's supposed to be and that's how things should be. Drop it and see what's left. That's the gold, baby. That's the gold. That's what we're all digging for our whole lives. It's that centerpiece of the soul that just shines and radiates. And people can see that in you. You just gotta access it. And if you want help accessing that, I'm a few clicks away from a free guide in the description and a form where you can fill out and we can chat one-on-one if you want help with this further, okay? Take care, guys. God bless you and we'll see you in the next video and start liking yourself. Bye-bye.