BEST CROWD WORK of 2025 - Michael Blaustein

Why was your phone going off? Fire call. Fire call? Leave! White family that is now black because of you. Two hours away. You're two hours away. I knew I was going to be gone. No, they didn't. They called you. They're a f***ing mountain right now. Who's going to save them? I reckon the other guys. You reckon? I don't want my firefighters ever to say reckon ever f***ing again. No. I don't want to be in a goddamn fire and it's like how much water? I reckon. No f***! You know what that call was for? What was the call for? I was going too far. Penny Risky to Signal Nine. The circuits have been located. I was going too far. Penny Risky. Pause real quick. She needs more spice. Yo, she's talking like she works in a motherf***ing library. I need more. I need motherf***ing this fire. Go, b***h, go! Talk like she's on the f***ing beach. I reckon there's a fire. The failment is lost. Aw, man. Okay, my stupid Yankee ears can barely understand you. And it's not your fault. It's my fault. Don't f***ing change nothing. I can't change. You can't change? Yes, you can, daddy. You can change. Locked into ways, man. You can expand whatever you want. You want to start yoga class. You want to start pottery. You want to start fisting your own a**. You can do whatever you want. That is a 9-11 fire, boy. Then she'll call, okay, I have 5-11. We need 9-5. Someone just took the goddamn fist. Who the f***? I reckon there's two fists. All right, sorry. I thought you were asleep. He's blind. This motherf***er is listening to a podcast right now. Yo, you got Freaky Ray? Yeah, I got a wife. I'm married. Yeah, where did you meet her? Online. Online? Yes. You know that she was hot. Screenshot and text it to the friends. So every single time you swipe, you have to screenshot and send it to your friends? Every time. Damn, your friends hate you. Which site did you meet your lovely girlfriend on? It's called Zoosk. You know what's funny? You probably own Wayfair. You don't even know. Sending your friends pictures on f***ing Arvo, all right? That was f***ing good. It's pretty big. It's got multiple drawers. Is she, uh, can she, does, is it always night for her too? How was your first date? Where did you go? It's a nice Italian place. And she's not visually impaired? No, you got to marry up. She had a car. F*** yeah, I'm assuming you don't. That's what's up. You didn't get a girlfriend. You got an Uber. That's what's up. God, you have tits. That's tit. You got tit. Have you named a tit? Named a tit-tat-tat? They're just my girls. You haven't named them? Like Wednesday, Thursday? Nothing cool? You're not just Lilo and Stitch? Real? Real? From Jesus Christ? Okay. They're from, they're from Dr. Jesus. What, what milligram? Millimeter. What size are these? Shit, shut up. Six, no, I'm joking. Six, six, 625 milligrams? What the f*** does that mean? Double D's just say that? What the f***? I do that. I'm dumb as s***. Sorry. When did you get the cut, cut, big? When did you get? Okay, so your kid, your kid ruined the pussy and then you were like, get him. C-section. Damn, you got C-section and D-section. That's what's up. After the kid came out, you were like, I need to get big-tat-tat. How old is the kid now, Matt? Four. Those, those tits are four years old. Hell yeah. How do you know, is it like trees? If you cut them in half, are there rings? Are you going to go any bigger or you good with that? I want them bigger. You want them bigger? It's going to be too heavy. You're going to, you're going to go and change the light bulb and fall over, f***, you know what I mean? Oh, bang. And they're so big, you just bounce right the f*** back up? So she got the D's, she got the double D's. Where you, where you at? Where you at, where you at? What is, what are you pointing at you? You got a d*** too? Goddamn. How come, how come you weren't pointing at yourself, madam? Because it feels like it goes all the way up there. It feels like it goes to f*** yeah. Madam, wait, tell me when to stop. Every black dude in here, like, for real? I mean, when I was like nine and s***, but like, that's cute, that's cute, that's cute. D***, d***, d***, d***, d***. Pringles can, hell yeah. Okay, that's why you need a C-section, your baby will fall out. Your f***ing month two, your baby came out A, what's good, right? Oh, there's a mother f***er, I didn't know. What do you do for a living, big d***? I'm a cop. You're a cop? F***. What do you, what do you, what do you do for work, uh, big boobies? You're a cop too? F***, man. Like on Pornhub? Eddie is arrested. What type of f***ing d***? County jail. What's the weirdest thing you've seen, sir? I saw a guy with his fist up his a**. F***, so, so you saw the dude with a fist up his own booty hole? As he was working on it, he saw that boy on the road. So you have a name for it, so it happens quite frequently? Yeah, just with him. Yeah, how the f*** do you know? What's happening in f***ing Kentucky that this is normal information? This is in Tennessee. This is in Tennessee? Why was everyone like, yeah, that makes sense. So is there like a pamphlet? How do they all know this? No, no, no, no. You don't know? No, no, no. You get what I just saw. Correct. But you can't. That s*** is seared in there. Holy God, so they're just, they're just going like, that's ambidextrous, bro. They're going f***ing, wow, when you're walking by, are you just like, and you're like a dog, stop, sit, hey, sit down, hey, hey. No, no. It's not against the rules. You can't f*** anybody. You can't f*** anybody, but you can f*** yourself. Cool, I want to go to jail. That sounds pretty nice. That sounds pretty, three square meals a day. And you get, you don't have to worry about clothes, you get the f***ing jumpsuit. If he's doing that, he's not wearing the jumpsuit. He's not wearing, oh, he took the jumpsuit off. Yeah, you need, you need flexibility. You can't. Yeah, if you're f***ing doing that, you got to be. That's crazy. Thank you so much for sharing. Is that your daughter? Her husband works in the jail too. Oh, her husband. Oh, oh, so everybody's pulling the rope, whatever the f*** kind of rope pull is. That's what's up. How long y'all been f***ing? I was 17. You were 17. You better say you were 17 too quickly. I don't know the state laws, but actually we're in Georgia. It's fine. No, I have no idea. I don't know. Were you 17 or you're going to go to jail? I was 26. Hold on, you're 17, you're 26? What are you, a substitute teacher? What the f***? Two plus two equals, God damn. You guys waited till your 18th birthday to have s***. Yo, did you do the countdown? Three, two. I don't have much time left. I'm from Michigan and I'm from Florida. He flew down. Dog, he's that, he's. A behavior technician. You probably should have talked to yourself a little bit ago. Everyone can't see it, but this is a beautiful couple. This is really, really nice. Do you guys have any kids besides her? All right. We both do OF. You both do OF. Congratulations on opening a small business. What type of content do you do? You put a ring camera in your a**hole. What do you do? Put a GoPro on someone's d***, just go in there. Hey, a lot of stalactites in here. I've been buying new outfits after my breakup. Damn. You ever get broken up with so bad you saw the OnlyFans? When you saw the OnlyFans? You broke up with him? Yeah. Okay, now you're on your own, and you're like, you know what's next? Look at this. Hey. What type of outfits are you buying? This is actually one of my new outfits. That's one of your new outfits. What do you think you're going to do with that? What do you think? What do you think you're going to do with that? It's like, just look at it. What is it? What do you think you're going to do? What are you going to do with the outfit? What do you think? It's like you got fishnets on. What are you going to catch? A bass d***? What are you going to? I took pictures and videos yesterday. Do you take it or do you have someone come in and do it? Do you help her out? Spread it bigger. What do you? A director of OOF is funny. Cut. I'm mostly connected to showing the inside of your a**hole. Have you started yours too, right? I did porn a long time ago. You just retired? How do you retire porn? Two weeks, no more seeing it. Before I got taken down. Oh, your work was on before I got taken down. Yeah, and then she started. And then she started. After her, I got back on. You saw her and you were inspired. You were like, b***h, you ain't going to be the only one getting f***ed in the mouth. You like girls, okay. B***h, I'm not even the only one licking cootie. This is a Christian show, if you guys didn't know. Are you guys a couple? You kind of look at her like a sister? Nope. No? Are you trying to f***? Can I ask you a question, madam? You want a friend zone, okay. Can I ask you why? Do you need subtitles? Subtitles? In French, how do you say why is that? Okay, I got a b***h. Pourquoi? You don't want to f***? You don't want to, you know? And that's okay. Okay, great. Your life, sir. I'm a chef. What's your favorite thing to make? Pasta. Who? Pasta, any kind of pasta. Say that word, pasta. Pasta. Pasta, okay. So he's saying it weird as f***. Okay, thank you so much. Why you say it so weird? Are you from another part? Are you from not in Montreal? You like an outskirts? A little bit, but they get snow. I didn't have none of that. Go ahead. It's like Jersey, basically. Oh, it's like Jersey. Dude, I like this guy. F***ing get me. You like know how to give me exactly what I need. Thank you so much. Oh, that sounded hot. My bad. Who is your group? My neighbor. I'm not talking to you no more. That was f***ed up. My neighbor. How did you guys meet? Just like at like a... I took her to a concert and now I took... And you took her to a con... You were very excited. I took her to a concert and then I took her here. I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy s***. You make that sound when you talk. What do you make when you come? That's f***ing nuts. It's my neighbor. I guess, I don't know. Are you a cheerleader? No. F***ing no? Oh, like I'm misreading the situation? I asked you and you were like, N-E. I don't know how to spell neighbor. F*** you guys. What is your name? Sage. Sage? Yeah, don't say that. What do you mean? You don't like it? I love it. Why are you freaking out? You sat in the front row. To give a husband or to give another? Not tonight. What type of whore answer was that? What is happening in this life? Me. It's open. F*** it. How long have you been with your husband for? Seven years. Now everything makes sense. That's too long. What's your favorite position? I'm like the choking girl. Oh, you choke. No, you choke a lot. Shut up. Man, you take your day out on your f***ing husband. That's f***ing nutso. You didn't pay the taxes on time, Ben. You mother f***er. You said that's so true? F*** you. Do you have any kids? Couple. What's their name? Dawson. You named your kid dog names, bro. Holy s***. Why did you vote from different dads? I'm not surprised. I know, b***h. I'm a doctor. F*** of like, don't clap. You don't know what it's for yet. This b***h is probably a witch doctor. You don't f***ing know. Her name is Sage. Oh, my leg hurts. Oh, just sage the s***. Just sage it. What type of doctor are you? Pediatrician. You take care of kids? You can't even name kids, b***h. How many kids you kill? F*** out and not like that. What is your name, miss? I don't want to tell you my name because I hate my name. What is it? Hitler? What is it? My name is C. What's wrong with that? That's a beautiful goddamn name. It's hard. It's hard? What type of f***ing idiots are you talking to? I thought you were going to be like, my name is Godf***ing Scalabla. Like, I thought it was that. Anybody who's asking me for my name over the phone, it's so hard. It's because it's so short and so fast. Nobody ever catches it. Oh, right. They go, what's your name? And you go, C. And they go, bless you, b***h. What is your name? What is it, miss? Is that all I'm asking? How old do you think I am? Oh, I think you're 56, you old b***h. I'm joking. We're just doing jokes. We're all doing jokes. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. What do you do for a living, C? I'm a social worker. That's a beautiful goddamn job. Thank you so much for doing that. What's your favorite part about being a social worker, C? I think just taking care of other people's needs. You know what? Let's reverse it. What are your needs that we need to take care of? I don't want to know. Well, yes, I do. I just mother f***ing asked. I can't say. Well, now I really much want to know. What needs do you have? Do you need some buzz buzzin'? What are your needs? Show me your needs so I can see them, b***h. What are your needs? I'm a stripper. You're a stripper? Yeah. What's your stripper name? Cinnamon Tits? What is it? Orange Cream Succor in my butt? What is it? Amy. Amy! What the f*** type of mayonnaise strip club you work at? I think of my clients. They're like old white men. So, when I call them Amy, because it makes me think of... Their daughter. Their daddy. Who's this here, right? Exactly. She's it. Right. My daddy. What was your story that you would like to tell us? Customer. He was like really into diapers. He would wear a diaper and he wanted me to be mean to him. Like, call him a little b***h. So, what is the type of stuff that you used to say to these guys wearing diapers? I would just keep a straight face and call him a little b***h and a loser. But he would want me to yell it to the strip club. Like, this guy is wearing a diaper. And then you would pee in the diaper. And then once enough people would turn back and laugh, he would come in his diaper. You know what's so funny? Is that guy will go through all of that and then he's like the CEO of Boeing. Do you know what I mean? He'd be with her and he'd be like, I'm a baby. And then three minutes later, he's in a f***ing board meeting. Be like, f***ing bomb them. That's so funny to me. Do you like diapers? Do you wear diapers? I do what she wants me to do. And if I understand how this game works, if I call you a b***h for three minutes, you're going to come in your diaper. Set the timer, b***h, b***h, b***h, b***h. If I came, you're a b***h. Some name that you came up with, you felt internally. You were like, is it gasoline or sulfur? And you were like, sulfur. You picked that one. Can I ask you this? Does this look like this? You should paint it like a pumpkin or something, nothing. Yeah, jack my jack-o'-lantern. You never thought about that? What do you do for work? I'm a receptionist at a tattoo shop. That makes motherf***ing sense. Two options. It's either a tattoo or unemployed. Are you single? No. What are you dating? A bat? What are you dating? Did y'all meet at a haunted house? Did you guys meet at like a cemetery? Where did y'all... What do you guys do on dates? Ouija board? I'm gonna keep talking. Go ahead. In high school. Was she a ghoul in high school? What did you transform into a moth? When did that happen? When I no longer had a dress code. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't look like the undead when you're trying to learn. How long have you been a ghost for, madam? I dress this way all the time. Hey, I'm not shitting on her. I like you. I think you look very beautiful, but I'd like to know when you became a ghoul. One day is a ghoul day. You wake up and you're like, I believe in the devil. And then you just... And then you decide to get white as ****. And how come you don't dress like a spirit? I like it better out now. Oh, ----. Got a ******* pronoun? It's them. It's them? That's cool. No disrespect. I like that, but you don't, you just, you don't, you don't identify with none of this ----? Nothing. Oh, that must be fun. You're like an amoeba of a ************. I like that. What's your middle name so far? Magnesium? It's phosphorus. Did you look at the table of elements? Like this one. So far, are you a gold star lesbian? No. So you have PPSRD? No. Never had no PPSRD? You never put no magnesium in there? Not one time? What's your kink that you have, sir? Young girls. Okay. She is 22. Check your ID on that. You a ******* creep, bro. Okay. Where's your father? That makes sense. You're trying to find your daddy. So the answer to that is yes. So what's the most expensive thing someone got you? A car. What type of car? A 2024 Hyundai? You're a ******* hunkhead like a BMW 3. Push the side, daddy. Shut up. Any other kinks, madam? Can you tell them I lie without getting arrested? Okay, I'll give you some of mine. Maybe be more comfortable. Okay, I like feet. I like to lick feet. Lick feet? Don't ******* look at me like that. I'll *******... Do I lick toes like a harmonica, bitch? I don't give a ----. Goddamn toe in front of y'all right now. All right. Oh, I'm sorry. Tuck my own feet. Gross. Look like Dreck Boy. Get the **** out of here. No, I'm joking. I didn't even say it, but I'm joking. Okay. You like to be tied up. Oh, ----. Do you do like the role play? You're like, ooh, I'm in the bank. Do you like to do like... So you like what? You like hog tie? Hog tie? And then just... Okay. That was my impression of a pig. That wasn't that bad. Okay. Sorry. I can't move. So you can't move. Damn. This is a Netflix documentary about to happen right now. How old are you, madam? 73. Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. Can you still cum? In the furnace. No, I didn't get it. You're speaking in backwards words. I don't know what you're saying. It may snow on the roof. But a lot of heat in the furnace. A lot of heat in the furnace. You're talking like a 1940s postal worker. I like this ----. And what was the last date you were on, Helene? On Plenty of Fish. Did you... Did you guys end up... Did you do... Did you do anything? You're still alive? What the **** does that mean? Try me. Try me? Rock your face. You would rock my cradle. I will break your bones, bitch. You think I'm ******* around? I'm sick of you talking ---- to me. I will cure your osteoporosis. This woman's out. **** that. She's ******* out. **** me. She couldn't handle that furnace and the heat on the roof. Snow, bitch, whatever. You're so embarrassed. No, she's not embarrassed. She loves you. It's okay. Are you good? No. You're not good? What's your name, sir? Jim. Hell yeah, Jim. Took you a little bit of... It's okay. Yeah, so are you... Do you have any hobbies, Jim? You'd like to gamble? What's the most money you ever won, Jim? $42,000. $142,000? Dick Overskate in my pussy. He, as an interpreter, because I'm fingering myself. He didn't say your stripper name. I said... You came back at the right time, sir. You know what? **** me, Sparkle. I apologize. Can you? You want to **** me? Firstly, I have a girlfriend and she's Puerto Rican and she'll kill you. So, is this the first time that you heard about this proposition? Or did she tell you in the car, like... Baby, listen. When he talks to me, I'm going to try to **** him. What the **** you say to me? I'm about to dim your sparkle, bitch. She's like a joke joker. You're like, man, let me just pitch this. I wanted to pitch it. Let's do this. So, I'm Mark Cuban and we're on Shark Tank. Hello. Good evening. So, what do you guys have for us today? I have a product you've never tried before. What? You're wrong. What would that be, sir? A product that I've tried personally and I swear by it. This guy is killing this, by the way. And what would that be, sir? So, it goes by the name Sparkle. Is this an energy drink or what would this be? It'll energize you, yeah. It's ******* crushing. Okay. And then what does it, does it have like an engine? Does it have, what is it? Do you plug it in? I have a good mouth. First time you talked during this presentation, so it doesn't seem that good. What is the percentage? What are you guys, what are you guys, what are you guys looking for? For Sparkle's mouth? Anything you say, you get out. So, I'll give her four inches. Man, I'm confident for these guys. Holy ----, awesome.