PHIL HANLEY CROWD WORK MOMENTS YOU SHOULD WATCH #166

We're dating. Probably like three months. I'm unemployed. No. Your wife? Yeah, I know. I'm 27. I'm 24. We actually met online. It was a chat room. What was the theme of the chat? I've never been in a chat room. It was like newcomers. Newcomers. Oh, okay. It's a very popular category on ***. Is anyone else dyslexic? Did your dyslexia affect you socializing and stuff? I went the route of class clown. Okay, what route do you think I went, dude? Alright. Went a little better for me. Alright, well. Does anyone teach special ed? What grade? What is it with you and bragging, dude? How do you get a promotion? It is. And it's really only half a promotion. You're an assistant principal. Is this your girlfriend? Just a friend? Attractive friend? Do you have a boyfriend? Good luck tonight, man. Alright. What do you look for, dude? What's your type? Dudes. Oh, okay. What quality? What do you look for? Funny people. Funny people? I may experience something I've never experienced before tonight. Now it makes sense why you're hanging out with the married woman. She's trying to turn you. Alright, yeah. You nailed that. I will say this. No one has ever looked more like a pilot than you, dude. You got that great square chin. You're all American. You look a little racist. What type of commercial flights? I fly for United. We all want to hook up with Delta. Great, friendly skies. Yes, sir. Work on that slogan. Have you ever dated a flight attendant? I have. Oh. Oh, those skies are friendly. Do you have kids? And you're banging flight attendants? You're not married anymore? I am married. Okay, cool. Nice ring. Alright, well. It breaks the sound barrier if you can't. You go to college? University of Delaware. Okay. Seems like a lot of smart people went there. Dude, what did you study at the University of Delaware? History. Okay. I'm a lawyer now. Eager to throw that in everyone's face. Are you with your girlfriend? I didn't know you could call it that, dude. Are you a lawyer too? I am. Okay. Alright. What kind of law? Divorce custody. I think you're going to have some business over in this section right here. This f***ing reeks of divorcees. Alright. Special ed teacher, what's your name? Kylie. Be extra nice to the short bus kids. I don't want to f***ing have our first fight in front of everybody, but I... Kylie, who are you here with? Other special ed teachers? No. Oh, elitist teachers? Yeah. I said elitist. Listen up, teacher. Are you dating anyone, Kylie? What's this guy do? A math teacher. Okay. I'm doing a quick calculation. You could do better. What do you teach the lady? We will teach high school, but social studies. What do you teach, sir? The same, government economics. Different name, right? The education system is just completely checked out. That's crazy. Sir, what's your name? Brett. I'm Canadian, and I'm immigrating to your country. Awesome. Well, Brett has what we call false enthusiasm about... Ask me a civics question, Brett. What are the three branches of American government? Great question, my brother. Legislative, executive, justicial. Judicial, judicial. Thank you. One more time, Brett. Hit me. Explain the concept of federalism. Why are you the way you are, Brett? I hope someday someone doesn't ask you the difference between social studies and what your job is, because that's going to be... What's your name, sir? What's wrong? It is too late to do anything about it. Hey, I'm not thrilled that you're in the front either, Dave. What's your name? Paul. See how easy it is, Dave? Are you with your wife? Where did you guys meet? Paul, I'm trying to meet somebody, dude. He grew up in the same religious cult. Grew up in the same religious cult. I feel like it's too late for me to meet someone that way. Just so we can kind of just relax... What cult? Job's Witnesses. Dave, can you take this? When did you stop witnessing? 2014. What was the first thing that you did after becoming someone who's not going to go to heaven? Did you have to go door-to-door? All my life. Was it like talking to Dave at the beginning of the show? Interrupting some sort of eating contest over here. You okay? Yeah. Sir, you look so sophisticated to be at the July 4th on Coney Island. Are you seeing anyone? Is there a patient person in your life? No? Yes? It's complicated. Okay, you ate her? Where did you meet the person that it's complicated with? It's like an arranged marriage. So your parents are doing you a solid and her parents are really f***ing her over. No, I'm kidding. That's great. She's going to come in handy at some point. What's your name, the special education teacher? Michelle. Michelle? Rochelle. Okay. We've got to get it right. If you're in special ed, don't anticipate that. Do you have dislikes of kids in your class? I left the class four years ago. They're probably eating each other by now. Like that airplane movie from the 80s. Well, I feel like what you do is so important and I appreciate that and you know what I mean? I'm looking forward to our night together. Are you married, Michelle? No. Oh, s***. It's Polly. No, we actually, we broke up. Michelle, I'm so sad I can't read. What do you look for? What's your type? A beard and a grateful dead lover. Beard, grateful dead lover. The show's sold out, lady. All right, well, where do you live now? Greensboro. Leave that s*** in f***ing Greensboro, lady. You live in Greensboro? Greensboro. No one cares. Who are you here with tonight? My dental spa girls. Oh, okay. I was hoping you'd stand up and plug the business. All right, well. Good God. What's the service you offer in the spa? We're oral specialists. Oh. Prove it. Is that a real thing? We're a dental office. Oh, oh s***. Why not combine something people like and something people hate? Where did you meet your girlfriend? Cheerleader, football player. One of the football players introduced you? What? How do you? No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm kidding. Dude, you played football? Yeah. You're like my Bill, dude. You're Jack. Yeah. You guys have been together for a while. We actually just got back together, yeah. You think you guys got it or do I have it? What do you think? Getting all f***ing Ricky Lake up in here. Dude, I love this. This is a true f***ing love story. So you dated in high school. You want to know the real story? I don't want to embarrass anyone, but this guy does. He left me for another classmate and then... But this was a long time ago. That's okay. I get it. He's rubbing me the wrong way. Is this your girlfriend, sir? Oh, thank you. I'm his mother. Oh, you're his mom? You look so young to possibly, you know... I might be your new dad, dude. Oh, are you really? What's your name? Billy. Billy, nice to meet you. We're so proud of you. Who's this lady? Sister. Sister, okay. Hey, how you doing? Single. What's that? Single. I'm dating your mom, dude. Billy is my stepson. And my wingman. Did you go to college, Billy? I did. That's great. Where did you go? Columbia College. Columbia... Chicago. Chicago, okay. That doesn't sound right. What's your job? Project manager. Did you say project manager? I did. That's always been a passion of mine. You know what I mean? Just little things around the house. What type of projects do you like to manage? Clinical trials. Yeah, those are fun. Clinical trials. Placebos? You know that word. Did you go to college for that? No, not for that, no. What did you go to college for? Mechanical engineering. Whoa, one f***ing nerd. Are you a mechanical engineer? You've heard those words, okay. Why didn't you want to do mechanical engineering? Because it's boring. A lot of people are intimidated of the excitement of a clinical trial, but...