Jake & amy’s love story | Brooklyn Nine-Nine | Comedy Bites

I'm starting today, Detective Santiago. Oh. Detective Peralta, welcome aboard. I'm hearing wedding bells. Hi, Detective Boyle. Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on earth. I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes. Yes. She said yes! This is for you. Jake, do you know why little boys pull little girls' pigtails on playgrounds? Because they're so easy to grab, they're just begging to be pulled. Because they like the girls, and that's the only way they know how to get their attention. What are you saying? All of this teasing, this elaborate date, somewhere down deep, you like Amy. Like her, like her. Okay, that's straight up insanity. How much did you spend on tonight? $1,400, but all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years. I do not like Amy. You're putting a lot of effort into a joke. Why don't you just sit down and have a real conversation with her? Uh, excuse me, everyone. Santiago and I will be performing the steerage jig from the film Titanic, which we have prepared for in no way, shape, or form. Romantic. No, embarrassing. My lady. Yeah! Do the spinny! Channel that passion into the dance! Only if you throw it. Ready? Ready? Mm-hmm. Nice. Ready? Uh-huh. What are you doing? Are you trying to catch it in your nose? I got it, I got it, I got it. It's Holt. Keep practicing. Okay. Peralta. Oh, good news, Peralta. I found someone from the night shift to relieve you on your stakeout. Ooh, still make times square. Um... You know, Captain, hold off on the relief team. We're already here. Plus, I'm curious to see what happens. Okay. Short call. What does Holt want? Just checking in. How you doing? Any progress? Yep. Watch. The key is volume. I see that. All right, look, the reason that I didn't want to work with you is... Should I do this in an accent so that I can undercut some of the awkwardness I'm feeling? Good call. Remember when you told me that you didn't want to date cops? That really bummed me out, man! Jamaican? Yeah, it was a bad choice. I'm much better at German. All right, fine. I was kind of thinking about asking you out. Oh. Okay. But I know that that's not what you want, and I totally get it. I think it just took me a while to totally, totally get it. And now I totally get it. Jake, this is weird. The whole point of me not dating cops is so it wouldn't be weird at work. Okay, so let's just make it not weird, right? This is a case. We work cases together all the time, and we're really good at it. So, you know, we're professionals. That's all I want, for us to be professional. We're in agreement. It will be good and professional! All right, you have a visual on? The hostess stand? Table for two, please. I'm so sorry. There's nothing available. We're totally booked up. Oh, no. That's horrible. Tonight's a really important night for us. Johnny and I just got engaged, and this is where our first date was. Oh, yeah. It would mean so much to Dora and me. I would have made a reservation, but I didn't know if she was gonna say yes. Oh, I love how nervous you were, you little goose. You were just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers. Yeah, we are lovers. Together. In bed. Okay. There's the buyer. Or maybe he's just actually saying hi to the chef. Why isn't he making the handoff? Oh, crap. He saw us. Uh, excuse me. Oh, hey. We were just looking for a place to, uh... Boink. Yep. Boink. That's my preferred term for it as well. I get it. Newly engaged kids. Enjoy. Thanks. Good. Good, good, good, good. Kept our cover intact. Nice work. Quick professional thinking out there. Very quick. Very professional. Detective? Detective. Back on the case. So, how was the restaurant? Such a normal time. Why are you being weird? Amy and I kissed. What?! Hey, seriously, we're cool, right? Yeah. Totally. We're fine. Gosh, you know, I'm actually a little bit hungry. I never ended up eating at that dumb, fancy restaurant. Know what I'm getting on my way home? Yeah. You're gonna go to the Polish place and get pierogies, potato pancakes, and a cup of hot chocolate. That's exactly what I'm gonna get. Yeah. I will be having pizza. Two slices of Meat Supreme from Tony. Served display temperature. Meat Supreme is a million red flags, and eating it cold is just insane. No, no, no. It's not cold. It's display temperature. Jake. There's a difference, Amy. No. Jake, he's looking at us. Well, this is happening. Huh? NYPD, freeze! We are police colleagues! You're under arrest! This is a work event! This whole night was really weird. I know. I just... I want everything to go back how it was. You know? It's so awkward. Yeah. You're right. We shouldn't date cops. We're a great team. We work great together. I don't want to mess that up. Yeah. I don't want everything to change. Yeah. Me neither. Okay. Then that's that. Detective Peralta. Detective Santiago. See you around the precinct. Yep. Tall butt. Hey. Hey. Thought I might find you in here. I just needed to process the captain's news. I feel so bad for him. So how are you holding up? I don't know. I'm still in shock. You? I'm basically handling it the way I dealt with my dad leaving. Just repressing the hell out of it. So a lot of change around here, huh? Listen. I know you said you don't want to date cops. But I really like you. I like you too. Good. But what if we start dating and it makes things weird at work? So let's just keep it light and breezy. See where it goes. Totally. Yeah. So how do we keep it light and breezy? I know. A comprehensive set of rules. How am I attracted to you? Doesn't matter. I am. Go. Rule one. Let's not tell anyone so we can figure out what this is first. Smart. Rule number two. Let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. We're just mermsie and jingle bin. Great. Rule number three. Let's not have sex right away. Cool. No doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule. So should we go out tonight? Yeah. Totally. Maybe eight. Maybe nine. Doesn't matter. We're light and breezy. Totally light and breezy. No! Briefing room. Five minutes. Wow. Very chill. Here we are. Officially on a date. Romantical date. Yes, we are. No longer just colleagues. Dating. You've got a haircut. It looks nice. Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut. At some point in your life, I'm sure. That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy. But yeah, you look very nice. Domo arigato. Do you speak Japanese? No. Sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward. Yeah, me too. How do we make it not weird? I know. Let's just get super drunk. Yes. Great idea. Pardon me, ma'am. Could you please bring us four kamikaze shots? And four for me as well. Ah. I like your style. See? We can do this. We're back on track. We're keeping it light and breezy. So? We broke a rule? Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake. Hope it wasn't a mistake. Title of your sex tape. Title of our sex tape. Sorry. That's okay. I was home, and I really wanted to talk to someone about us and Dozerman and about Hope being gone. Then I realized that the only person I want to talk about that stuff with is you. So screw just being colleagues and screw light and breezy. Right? Definitely. Guys, we did it. We really did it. Oh, Charles is here. Big time. Thank you for doing this. I love you. Nice. Smart. I love you, too. Also, I think this is definitely a dance class for widows. No, I don't think so. No? Now turn to your partner and tell them how your spouse died. Yeah, we should get out of here. Are you sure? Yes. You see, Jake, I'm always going to be one step ahead of you. You've lost the ability to surprise me. You're just plain boring. Again, weird take on our very loving relationship. And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human-slash-genius. Yeah. Although you might want to read the inscription on that there belt. Why? Oh, no. What does it say? Amy Santiago will marry me. Surprise. I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening right now. I'm so confused, I don't know what's happening right now. Title your sex tape. Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely going to cry. Title your sex tape. Wait, is this really happening? Is this part of the heist? If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard. No, please, Amy. It's really happening, okay? It's not part of the heist, I promise. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should have written this down first. No, no, it's okay. Go on. I love how much you pretend to, like, die hard. I like the second one. You don't have to. Okay. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt. I love yours, too. Gross. Amy Santiago, will you marry me? Jake Peralta, I will marry you. I love you so much. Hey, jerkos! This little tramp escaped, so that ought to teach... Did you just... And did you say... We want these nubs to be toyed. Excuse me? Could we wrap the flowers in New York Times crossword puzzles from key dates in our lives? Oh, is that something you'd like? Uh... I designed you a signature cocktail. I call it the Peraltiago. Ooh. Mm. And the judges give it a score of... Jeremy, did you make that cake that I called you about? Yes. I wasn't entirely sure if you were joking or not, but... A Nakatomi Plaza cake? The groom is out of liquorice shows. Welcome to the wedding, pal. Oh, Amy, these nubs may be getting too toyed. Listen up, everybody! We are getting married in a public rec center! Super cheap! On a basketball court! Squeak, squeak! With one working bathroom! Ladies gotta wait! And it's in deep Staten Island! Destination wedding, y'all! But the point is... These nuptials are still gonna be mad toyed. I would marry you in a dumpster. Aw, I would marry you in a dumpster. Friends. Colleagues. Gawking New Yorkers. We are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. I've known you both for the last five years, and it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting childish rivalry evolve into a distracting childish courtship and now into what I'm sure will be a distracting childish marriage. I'm proud of you. And I love you both. Permission to say it back? Permission granted. Love you too, sir. Love you, Captain. Now, I believe you've prepared your own vows. Yes, I was going to do an Adams family-themed rap, but my beatboxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day, but I shouldn't be surprised because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday and the day before that because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you, and I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end. Okay, well, I've been planning this wedding for the last six months, and if you told me yesterday everything that was gonna go wrong, I would have had a panic attack that sent me into the ER. I'm here, and I've never been happier. Life is unpredictable. Not everything's in our control, but as long as you're with the right people, you can handle anything. And you, Jake Peralta, are the right person for me. But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well. What? Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors. I love you so much. You're my dream girl. I love you, too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I've been thinking, and I do want to have kids. With you. You're not scared anymore? Oh, no, I am so scared. Maybe even more so than before, but I was scared in there with Pam, too, and you know, I didn't panic or mess anything up there. If anything, I was sharper, and I was a friggin' debate genius. Debate genius? Oh, that's very hot. That's an added bonus. Okay, keep that energy up, but the point that I was actually trying to make is maybe it's a good thing that I'm scared of fatherhood. You know, maybe it'll turn me into a friggin' dad genius. I thought I might be pregnant. Really? Yeah. I'm not. I got my period. And I took a pregnancy test, but it didn't work because I drank 11 gallons of water. I told you water is bad for you. That's not the takeaway. You're absolutely right. How are you? How do you feel? Are you okay? I mean, I was really stressed. This wasn't our plan, and we agreed we'd wait a year, and there's so much to do first, and it would've been crazy, right? Yeah, it would've been. Okay. But also, it might've been kinda cool. Honestly, I was secretly bummed when the test came back negative. Should we just start trying? Seriously? Yeah, seriously. Okay. Yeah. Why is it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant? Like, look at these stupid guinea pigs. They made 600 babies, and we can't make one? Why can't we make 600 babies? You can't compare yourself to guinea pigs, babe. You taught me that. I'm exhausted. And the universe keeps telling us that it doesn't want us to have a baby. The message couldn't be clearer, so I'm done. Like, done for this month? Done. Just done. I've been thinking about what you said this morning, and it has been a really hard couple of months. I'm sorry I'm bad at making babies. Hey, hey, don't say that. It's not your fault. And look, for all we know, I could have... Don't say you have bum nards. I wasn't gonna... But I think maybe it's just a thing we can't control. That is my least favorite kind of thing. I know. I really wanted to start a family. Amy, we are a family. You and me. So, you know, we can keep trying, or look into IVF, or adoption, or... If we want, we can forget about the whole thing. But if we're together, I'm happy. No matter what. I don't know what I want to do. Fine. It's okay, too. We don't have to have a plan. We make the rules. Maybe it would help to just not think about the whole thing for a while and see where we're at. Yeah. Okay. I love you. I love you. Should we go? Yes. Okay. Nope. I don't know if you noticed, but ever since I started those hormone treatments... I didn't notice anything. You said that way too quick. I mean, you did cry at that one car commercial, and it wasn't even an emotional one. It was about towing capacity. Yeah. Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect, and apparently it isn't. Oh, no. Is everything okay? Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right. Ames, are we having a baby? We're having a baby. It happened. Just keep pushing. You're almost there. Oh, but Jake's not here yet. Sam! I'm here! Jake! I can't believe I made it. I'm gonna see the birth of my... Oh, we're on page 53! Babe, we're on page 53! I know! I rode a horse! Well, we did it, Ames. We made the world's hottest baby. Say cute, Jake. Nope. This kid is liquid fire. Crazy to think in just 17 short years, he's gonna be six foot seven and the number one draft pick for the Knicks. And then he's gonna pass up that opportunity to pursue his true passion, library sciences. Well, the important thing is we'll support him no matter what, even if he's a huge, huge nerd. Especially then. Are we gonna be okay at this? I mean, this entire day felt like a warning from the universe. I almost missed the birth. We had our baby at the precinct. A firefighter touched our child. We washed him off. Yeah, but I'll always know. Babe, we talked about this. Everyone balances work and kids. Yeah, but everyone's not a cop. True, but when our son wants to hear about the day he was born, we get to tell him that his dad helped a bunch of people and foiled a bank robbery. I guess that is kinda cool. And his mom managed a city-wide emergency while actually giving birth. I'm proud for our son to have you as a dad. Me too. For you to be the mom. I wasn't just agreeing with the nice thing you said about me. I love you. Oh my God, he's beautiful! Oh, Jake! He's got your face! Charles, meet Mac. Short for McClane. As in Shirley? I love it! No, as in John from Die Hard. I mean, they're both incredibly cool. There's only one Oscar winner. Thanks for getting Jake there in time. Oh, don't thank me. The real hero is Lieutenant Peanut Butter. No. It was all you, Charles. Or should I say Uncle Charles. Chi Chi, don't ruin this moment for yourself. Uncle Charles it is. How's he doing? He's perfect. I see you changed. Oh yeah, that other outfit had a lot of afterbirth on it, also during birth and pre-birth. The point is, I burned it. Thanks for staying by my side. I know it wasn't easy for you. It was worth it. I'm Auntie RoRo. She gets to be RoRo? Incredible. Seven years waiting for this. Captain, Lieutenant, the dance was great and it really helped. Thank you. Dance? What dance? She doesn't know what she's talking about. Mommy brain much? Captain Holt and I did a hip hop dance routine. Oh! I see. Well, you know what? I don't even care that I missed it. Because right now, I am holding my son and there's nothing more important in the world than that. I have a video if you want to see it. Amy Holt, this baby. Rosalie, give me that phone. Give me that phone. Everyone wash your hands.