The Ones with Rachel from Season 5 | Friends

Hey, Rach, come on, we're going to be late for the eye doctor appointment. Alright, let's get this over with. Oh no, look what I did. Look at this mess. I mean, we're going to probably have to clean this up, you know? I mean, we're going to have to reschedule. If you thought that this mess was going to bother me, you are wrong. Alright, let's go, Blinky. Kimmer! Guys, is Monica here? No. Alright, listen, I just bought something. I'm not sure she's going to like it. And it's going to seem a little crazy, but this is something I've wanted since I was a little girl. You bought Sean Cassidy. No, I wish. Okay, you ready? Yeah. Okay. Check it out. Oh my God. What is that? What the hell is that? It's a cat. That is not a cat. Yes, it is. Why is it inside out? Excuse me, but this is a purebred, show quality Sphinx cat. How much did you pay for that? Well, it was a little extravagant, but I got a pretty good deal. How much? A thousand bucks. On a cat? It's not a cat. Alright, listen, ball boys. My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl, and it was the sweetest thing. I mean, it was so cute. It would sit in my lap and just purr all day long. And I would drag a shoestring on the ground, and it would chase it. Free cats do that too, you know. It's not a cat. Look, you guys, I'm really excited about this, okay? I don't care what you think. I'm going to go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. What am I going to call her? Fluffy? Don't worry, guys. It's not a cat. Oh, my... Oh, good God! I give up, you guys. I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing. Baking it didn't help, huh? So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it? I tried. They won't take her back. Maybe that's because she's a minion of the Antichrist. Great. Why won't they take it back? Well, they said they would, but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do? Get a thousand regular cats? Look, if you want, you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it. No, Mom, that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars. I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand. Show cat. Quality show cat. Show cat. Oh, my God. What's wrong with your baby? It's not a baby. That's a cat. Ew, it's creepy looking. Oh, no. No, it's actually... It's very sweet. It's very sweet. Yeah. Do you want it? Oh, no. I hate cats. Well, so then, what are you doing to me, okay? Just get out of here, all right? Move on. Jeez. Wow, what an unusual cat. Yes, thank you. Exactly. You want it? Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat. I was just going to go to the shelter, but... Okay, why not? Oh, terrific. That'll be two thousand dollars. What? Okay, a thousand. I thought you wanted me to adopt your cat. Well, I do, but you're just going to have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat. Okay. Yeah, I just wanted a cat. Obviously, you know how to haggle, so I'm not going to try and take you on, okay? So, eight hundred dollars, and I don't call the cops, which I should, because you are robbing me. Blind. Blind. You're acting funny. Just take the cat, leave the money, and run away. Just run away. Damn it. Can't you at least smile or something? Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody? Rachel, what is your cat doing in one of my bowls? It's not. I'm defrosting a chicken. Oh, I sold Mrs. Whiskerson. Oh, thank God. Did you get your money back? Yeah, fifteen hundred dollars. Wow, you made a profit? I just came for the red velvet pillow. Oh, yeah. There you go. Thanks, Rachel. Yeah. And don't forget, you can come visit her anytime you want. Oh, good, great. I'll keep that in mind. Hey, so what is this? Some kind of snake or something? I guess we should go. No, wait, wait. Oh, you're right. No, Monica. Monica, we have to fix this. There's nothing we can do. You erased the message. Yeah, well, unless we tell him. Look, if you're going to be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you. All right. Fine. If you want to tell him, tell him. I just, I don't want to be a part of it. Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message. Hey, Ross. It's you. I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive. So live every day to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye. Wow. Leave that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away. Embarrassed that easily. What? You totally get embarrassed. No, I don't. Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are. Is that so? Yeah. Hey, lady. I don't care how much you want it, okay? I am not going to have sex with you in the bathroom. I'm on my way back to the bathroom. Yeah, all right, all right. Just keep walking, all right? Ross, what are you... I'm sorry, sir. I just, I think he just really likes you. Hey, you know that teacher who had a baby with her student? Thank you. Hi. May I help you? Yes, I'm sorry, miss. Do you have any extra pants? My friend seems to have had a little accident. Oh, my God. What does that thing do? That's an eye removal machine. All right, I'm out of here. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Uh-oh. Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry, everything's going to be just fine. So we're done then. Almost, but first we got to start. Okay. This is the glaucoma test. Uh-huh. Sit down. Okay. Put your chin here. Mm-hmm. Now, you're going to feel a small puff of air in each eye. What? A small puff of air. Now, come on! Here we go. All right. One, two, three. Okay. I'm sorry. All right. I'm going to stay in here this time. Okay. Ready? Uh-huh. One, two, three. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to hold your head. Okay. That's okay. Okay. One. Uh-huh. Two. I'm sorry. You know what? You're young. You probably don't have glaucoma. Oh! Okay. So, it was very, very nice to meet you, sir. And I'm... Ow! Hey! What? Are you... Are you crazy? Okay. You have a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day for a week, and you'll be as good as new. Yeah. No, I don't... I don't put things in my eye. Okay, then. I guess we'll see you back here in three months. Great. And I'll fit you for a glass eye. Okay. Just give me the damn drops. Dr. Miller? P-E-C-F-D. Very good, Monica. You know where they are. I sure do. And you know good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Not even close. Okay. Well, then, you know what? Help me. I need help. I can't do this. All right. Come on. Let's do it. Come on. All right. Sit down. All right. Put your head back. Yes. All right. Okay. Now, open your eyes. Okay. They are... How many fingers am I holding up? Four. Oh, my God. I was thinking four. Really? Yes! All right. You know what? Why don't we start with a practice one, okay? Okay. No drops. Great. Okay. All right. On three. Okay. One, two, three. My paddle's all wet! Well, you said it was practice. Then why did you move? Because I knew you were lying. All right. Come here. What are you doing? Come on. Get Monica. Stop it! Now, I am going... Turn it over. I am... I am going to get... Get these drops in your eyes. Oh, my God. You really are freakishly strong. Stop! Monica! Stop! Damn it, Cindy! Stop! You know, if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune. Can you pass me the TV guide? Yeah. We'll see you in about three or four hours. I gather to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now, Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross... Take thee, Emily... Take thee, Rachel... Emily. Shall I go on? He said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there? Yes, yes. Do go on. I think we'd better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross... Take thee, Emily... I don't think there'd be anybody else. As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. Do you have the rings? Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. Ross, place this ring in Emily's hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever. Happy to. Ross and Emily have made their declarations, and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. This is worse than when he married a lesbian. Just keep smiling. Okay. Well, that went well, yeah. Could have been worse, he could have shot her. That was pretty funny, wasn't it? These were really remarkable women for their time. They lived in a patriarchal society. Sorry I'm late, but I left late. Okay. So, Pheebs, what is the book about? I thought you said you read it in high school. Well, yeah, but then I remembered I started it, and then there was this pep rally, and I was on top of the pyramid. But anyway, what's the book about? Okay, it's this tragic love story between Kathy and Heathcliff, and it takes place on these really creepy moors in England, which I think represent the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism. How would you characterize the theme of this book? Let's see, Rachel Green. Well, I would have to say that it's a tragic love story. Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else? Oh, oh, oh, symbolism! And the wildness of the moors, which I think is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character. Excellent. What Rachel has shrewdly observed here. You completely stole my answer! What? Honey, that was pretty obvious. Well, how would you know? You didn't even read it. What do you think? You in the blue shirt. I think that yours is a question with many possible answers. Would you care to venture one? Are you just repeating what I'm saying? Didn't you say that there was an elevator in here? Yes, I did, but there isn't. Okay, here we go. Okay, go left, left, left. You know what? There's no more left, left. Okay, lift it. Straight up over your head. Straight up over your head. You can do it. You can do it. Okay. You got it? Yeah. Good, good, good, good. Yeah, you got it, right? You got it, right? Any chance you think the couch looks good there? She'll be back by now? Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, she should be here by now. Oh, so you talked to her. Did she sound mad? No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece. Okay, I did not abandon Rachel, okay? Emily showed up at the airport. I had to go after her. I mean, I did what I had to do. She's my wife. Rachel is my wife, you know? Emily! Emily is my wife. Man, what is that? So you still haven't heard from Emily? No, not since I lost her at the airport. I can't believe she can outrun you, man. Hey, she's fast, okay? You think you can beat me? Let's go outside! Hi! Rachel! Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Oh, Ross, come on. You just did what you had to do. Hi, babes. Well, that's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must have been terrible. Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! It was a nice hotel, nice beach, met the nice people. It's not too shabby for Rachel. So, what, that's it? Oh, yeah. We're cool. Totally cool. Thanks, Rach. You're the best. Oh, no, you're the best. Oh, I gotta go to the flower store. Check it out. No one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm going to send 72 long-stemmed red roses to her parents' house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That ought to get her talking to me again. Oh, Ross, when you make out the card, be sure to make it out to Emily. That's great. It's so good that you had such a good time in Greece. What? I didn't have a good time in Greece. Ross abandoned me, okay? I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite, with people coming up to me all the time going, Oh, Mrs. Keller, why are you crying? I mean, it was so humiliating. I felt like such an idiot. I mean, it's all my fault. And you know why? Because I make very bad decisions. Oh, that's not true. Yes, it is. It is true. I went after Ross in stupid London. London is stupid. Stupid! Phoebe, you were right. I should have never gone to London. And from now on, you make all of my decisions for me. Oh, no, I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life. I'll do it. That's fine. So, Monica, you are now in charge of my love life. I think the check-in is that way. Oh, kids love me. Hey! Want to go to a costume party? Let me guess. And you're Bob Saget. Oh, I'm Jovia. What are you talking about, Phoebe? Oh, my God! You drew on me? Hey, you wet my pants. What kind of party was this? Ross, I've been walking around like this since the plane. You have so crossed a line. Rach, wait. The men's room is that way. Hi, I need those earrings you borrowed. Oh, um, okay. Yeah, I'll be right back. Wow, Phoebes, you speak Italian? I guess so. Here you go. Thank you. Wait, Rach, where's the other one? Oh, what, you want both of them? Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring? Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kind of lost it. Oh, I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it. What am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight. I don't want to tell her to wear her own earrings. These are her earrings. No, no. You lent me Monica's earrings. I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff. Why not? Because I'd lose her stuff. I've been waiting for you. Hi, I just want to... Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Monica! Oh, my God. Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry, I was, um, I was taking a nap. Since when do you take naps in that position? Oh, God, Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy. Please tell me you were waiting for a guy. Yes, yes, I was. A guy. From work. I'm seeing a guy from work. Ha! That cute waiter guy from your restaurant? The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta? Uh-huh. You know what? Just give me a second. I'll be out of your hair. I'm just going to grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. Maybe that's him. Okay, um, okay, um. It's just you and Ross. Why aren't you guys at the movie? Well, we were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out. I had to talk loud because the movie was loud. He's talking to London. Oh, my God. Did he get in touch with Emily? Well, no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her. I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit. Ross, way to suck up to the family. I'm so glad you guys are all here. My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper. How did work go? Oh, it was great. It was great. I went down there just like you said, you know, and we talked business, and Kim totally took my opinions. You stink. Thanks. No, I'm serious. Well, that's just because I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success. Okay, there's something different. Oh, my God, you smoked. I did not. Yes, you did. You looked happy and sick. You smoked. All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career. Wish I had smoked for my career. That's so gross. Well, no, it's not that bad, you know? It's, I mean, yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy, and these fingers sort of smell. I actually feel like I could throw up. Okay, but you gotta push past this, okay? Because it's about to get so good. Hi. Taylor. Oh, I gotta tell you, you smell so smoky, I gotta get up. What? I'm not kidding. I think you smell great. Okay, you know what? I'll have toast. Oh, my God! You guys, you guys, we were just in the storage area, and we saw this really creepy man. He was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man. He was like a Bigfoot or a yeti or something. And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him. Yeah, I pulled the tab, and I just fogged his yeti ass. Uh, like dark hair, bushy beard? Yeah. Yeah, you fogged Danny. Please, we did not fog Danny. Who's Danny? Danny just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from, like, this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella. Oh, he's nice. He's nice. You know, you always stick up for the people we fog.