Boris Johnson's dumbest moments in office

We've come now to the final, tear-sodden, juddering climax. Ready, steady, go. Christ! Wonderful to be here in Manchester, one of the few great British cities I have yet to insult. I get old, I don't know, wooden crates. Yeah. Right? And then I paint them. Where are you on helmets, Boris? Rain drops keep falling on my head. I suppose it's a box that's been used to contain two wine bottles, right? Right. And it will have a dividing thing. If I'm a mock today, then you are a broom. A broom that is cleaning up the mess left by the Labour government and a fantastic job you are doing. And I thank you and your colleagues, George Osborne, the dustpan, Michael Gove, the jaycloth, William Hague, the sponge. Are you honest, Prime Minister? I think you, yes. And I think that the best way to judge that is to look at what this government says it's going to do. And if we vote Leave on June the 23rd, we can take back control of £350 million a week and spend on our priorities here in this country, including on the National Health Service. Why should we believe anything you say when it has been proven you're a habitual liar? Well, first of all, whatever happened, the guidance was followed and the rules were followed at all times. Makes us, this country, look like a banana republic. Do you know how much the carers allowance went up per week back in April? I can imagine. Do you know the answer? I can't give you the figure. If you have an old kettle that takes ages to boil, it may cost you £20 to replace it. But if you get a new one, you'll save £10 a year for every year, £10 a year every year on your electricity bill. I hope everybody watching this knows that I'm being slightly hyperbolic, but basically serious. As for universal credit, what the Chancellor has done by changing the way the tax is paid on it is effectively give a tax cut to people worth £1,000 on universal credit. Prime Minister, you took away £1,000 from people on universal credit. Behind the carefully cultivated veneer of a blithering idiot, there is, of course, a blithering idiot. Watch out, watch out. Stand clear. Oh, crash, hang on. Yeah. I turn it into a bus, so I put passengers. You really want to know this? You're making buses, you're making cardboard buses. OK, that's what you do to enjoy yourself. No, I paint the passengers enjoying themselves. OK, you don't have to worry about his romantic urges. Who's been to Panzerabende? Well, he's been to Peppa Pig World. My dog is headless, he's on people's legs. It is often useful to give the slight impression that you are deliberately pretending not to know what is going on. Kipper! What's the difference between you and David Cameron? Well, I'm the Mayor of London. I'm older than him. I'm older, I'm considerably heavier. What else? I beat him at tennis. This Kipper, which has been presented to me just now by the editor of a national newspaper. Knickers, let's say, knickers to the pessimists, knickers to all those who talk Britain down. This is a distinction without a difference. This is what I'm saying, and let's be absolutely clear. Peppa Pig World is very much my kind of place. To me, it looks like the tip of a gigantic cocktail stick that's emerging through the integuments of a super-colossal pickled onion. And a pig that looks like a hairdryer, or possibly, well, a sort of Picasso-like hairdryer. You routed the doubters and you scattered the gloomsters, and for the first time in living memory, you caused tube train passengers to break into spontaneous conversation with their neighbours. Our members have decided they have no questions to put to you. Are you saying they're abdicating their duty to scrutinise me? Are you saying they haven't the guts to put questions to me? Great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellies. If you want to be heard, you have to speak plainly. The damn noser hereditars. There's a huge phyloprogenitive instinct in the flashing grin, glistering eyed. It's cloaked and swaddled in a load of waffle that nobody can get to grips with. And correct that, it's a glutinous sentiment. Emmanuel Macron est un très bon, très bon buddy de notre pays. Simple English words. Château Neuf du Pape. Et marquez, et marquez mes mots, mon ami, si vous me double-crosserez. Yesterday, we had a piece of cheese. My friends, it is a stitch-up. Indeed, it is the biggest stitch-up since the Bayeux tapestry. The Vince Cable morphing into a mad axe man. Do you really want this guy and Liam Fox and David Davis negotiating a Brexit deal on behalf of this country? Yes, yes. The answer to that is I would be devastated to think that it was in their hands. But I'll tell you with regard to the Nicolas issue, I think, again, I think that what Jeremy did say quite clearly, that he would review the situation at that time. But he's not. The audience weren't convinced by that. He's weak as water. Forgive Boris for not wanting to incinerate millions of people across the globe, like Boris would be quite happy to do. He's weak as water. I don't think you understand the logic in which he decides. You don't understand ordinary people, Boris. You've never been in an ordinary constituency. You don't understand ordinary people. I'm just interested because you've helped co-ordinate this campaign. Sorry, Boris, just a second. You helped co-ordinate this Labour campaign. Hang on, Boris, just a second. Sorry, he's just been shouting in my ear. Well, just a bit of peace. That particular issue coming up, because it looked as though he hadn't. Well, aren't we the... Do you mind? No, I just wanted to know what your answer is. Stop being so rude. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's our fault! It's our fault! Oh, Christ! Why did Theresa May not answer the questions on the public sector, on the fact that the nurses that are keeping the NHS up and running have had a 40% pay cut since 2010 and are using food banks? He's never used a food bank. He's never been to a food bank. That's right. Actually, I started... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a second. What I want to do, Boris... I think you should take that back, old boy. Take it back. No, well, why don't you just sort this out? Hang on a second. Why don't you take it back? I just want to hear... You just pointed at my face. I want to hear from... Let's hear from Jeremy Corbyn. This is what he had to say about that nuclear deterrent. Have a cup of tea. Will you apologise for your comments yesterday? Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah, sure. Keep going. Have a cup of tea. Thank you, thank you. Do you regret... Would you like a cup of tea? Do you regret your comments? Do you regret your comments, sir? Don't regret your comments. Have a cup of tea. Thank you very much. There you go. Do you regret your comments, sir? Is there a possibility you could become prime minister? I think that that is banishing. I mean, I have about as much chance of being reincarnated as an olive. Hasta la vista, baby.